What is your abusive parent’s favorite Love Crumb?
My mom’s was doing crafts together. She makes things for local boutiques and we used to do that together and she would just tell me I was good at it. That was quite literally the only praise I ever got about anything and it happened very rarely, but it was enough to fool me into thinking she didn’t absolutely loathe me as a human being.
My dad buys me whatever I want. Well, sometimes. If we’re at the store and I see something I want, I’ll try to buy it, but he refuses to let me pay for it myself. Other times, he won’t leave the store unless I buy something. He uses that to manipulate me. It’s so annoying.
Mommy Maddie time…I miss when I didn’t realize I wasn’t being abused …I still love her even though she hurts me
I used to get the promise of an investment property I could live in dangled in front of me. I believed it, truly, that mum and dad would help me in that way. That I could have that boost up. Never happened.
A couple of times I got taken to concerts I really wanted to go to, too. And once I got taken on a trip to another city, just my mother and me, but I suspect that was more for mum than me.
Children in abusive families aren’t accepted nor acknowledged as the valuable member of the family. They’re being told they’re freeloaders, someone allowed to live in the house who should be grateful they get to sleep there. They’re considered a financial burden, and an emotional one, if they ever need attention or care. They’re told to compare themselves to children who aren’t so lucky and are starvng on the street, or being abused much worse my caretakers. They’re forced to count their blessings, as if each and every one of them isn’t used against them. They’re only being presented as the children to guests and outsiders, who parents are trying to impress or play normal family game in front of. They’re being used by parents to feel good about themselves, and then discarded as if they’re worthless.
In healthy families no child is considered a burden, or less valuable than any other person in the family, it’s the opposite, the parents are able to acknowledge that as the youngest and most vulnerable member, the child should get most attention, care and help growing up and forming into an individual. In healthy families there’s no question of letting the child be hungry if there’s food, threatening them of losing place to sleep if they are able to provide a bed. There’s no comparing the child to those who were less lucky, it’s parents who question if they could do anything better, make the life of their child better. Child doesn’t have to worry about finances, or have anything they have or do used against them, they know whatever belongs to parents, is theirs as well, and they know if something goes wrong, parents are going to have their back. Healthy families give children feeling of safety, stability, value, confidence, support, and community. They’re a pillar of strength for the child. Child doesn’t have to fulfill certain conditions to deserve it, or work tirelessly to deserve to be a part of the family. There’s no game of pretense in front of outsiders, they’re not only a child of these people in certain conditions or when the parents find it convenient, they’re treated well at all times.
*gaslighting parent voice* I’m sorry if you feel hurt by anything I did to you, just know that it was never my intention to hurt you and that I love you
Wait wait wait.
I’m so confused.
Is this not what a genuine apology is?
Now I’m worried I’ve been apologizing wrongly to everyone. How do I tell them I’m sorry my actions hurt them, as in I’m sorry for my actions, and sorry that the other person is having these emotions because of me, if sounding like this is gaslighting?
I thought this was the right way to do it. I don’t understand and I’m worried.
“I’m sorry if you feel hurt by anything I’ve done” deflecting blame off of you for behaviour and onto them for having the reaction
“Just know it was never my intention to hurt you and that I love you” Not addressing the problem or the pain, making it about yourself and how it was an accident, not addressing the other person
“I’m sorry that I hurt you” is a good start, along with perhaps
“I know that I shouldn’t have treated you like that”
“If there’s any way I can make this up to you please don’t hesitate to let me know”
A good formula is
“I’m sorry for _____”
“It was wrong because” or “I was wrong because” (“i was in the wrong, I shouldn’t have treated you like that” or “I’m at fault here, I shouldn’t have yelled at you”)
“Next time I’ll _____” (“consider your feelings first”/“manage my anger in a way that isn’t taking it out on you”)
“Can you forgive me?”
The most important part of an apology is acknowledging the pain caused and taking responsibility for it. Using words like “I’m sorry you felt that way”, “you don’t understand, I meant it like X”, “you know that I’d never hurt you intentionally” is manipulative and doesn’t help anyone. (Not to say that you use those phrases, or are manipulative, but we all can be and it’s important to acknowledge these behaviours and cut them out in order to form healthy & strong relationships)
This is how vulnerable you were when your abusive parents started hitting you and telling you you’re shit. Look at this picture and let that sink in. Then stop blaming yourself.
Kids are never lost causes. Adults who say that are just too lazy or cold hearted to give a kid what it needs. My mother used to like to tell me that I was a lost cause. Specifically she would say, “I thought love could overcome anything, but I learned from you that I was wrong.” She would say this in response to me being not being the type of person she wanted me to be. If she wanted me to be a certain way and I wouldn’t be, she would say I would never let her love me. Of course, that doesn’t make any sense at all. Trying to make someone be something you want has nothing to do with love. She was constantly claiming that she was trying to love me and I just wouldn’t accept it.
Here’s the thing. She never tried. She abused me. She controlled me. She hit me. She swore at me. She blamed me for things I didn’t do. She told me I was lying when I was telling the truth. She told other people I was a bad kid. She yelled at me. She called me fat. She completely ignored me when I was doing everything right. She lied to me. She belittled me. She derided me. She chastised me. She scolded me. She did all these things and more, but love me? She never did that. Not one time during my entire life did she ever tell me she was proud of something I did. What kind of mother fails to be proud of their child?
What kind of mother tells her child that her own failure to love is the child’s fault? I don’t think I have to answer this question. I think we all know what kind of mother blames her failures on her children.
also i hate how having good parents is a privilege because so many people genuinely hate their parents like it litcherally kills me that not everyone had/has good parents or at least one good parent. if you dont love your children with everything you have fuck u bitch
I support this message but I have a Lot of Questions about the image attached to it
When your parents are being shitty and you have to be the adult in the room again:
You never deserve abuse because you’re too needy or clingy
You never deserve abuse because you “let it happen” or “didn’t fight back” or “didn’t stand up for yourself”
You never deserve abuse because you “let it get this far” or you “stayed this long”
You never deserve abuse because your abuser is your mother or father, sister or brother, other family member, your boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancée, husband, or wife
You never deserve abuse because you have a particular mental or physical illness
You never deserve abuse because you’re “too emotional”
You never deserve abuse because you were “asking for it”
You never deserve abuse even though you’ve made mistakes, or said something wrong, or haven’t understood something, or can’t remember something
You never deserve abuse for being “too much” or “not good enough”
You never deserve abuse for having off days or being vulnerable sometimes
You never deserve abuse for asking for help
You never deserve abuse, no matter how many times and how many ways your abuser justifies it or makes excuses for it.
Omg thank you it’s hard for me to remember this because my whole life it’s been drilled into my head that it’s my fault
You folks made me so fucking sad. This was me too and I had to learn through therapy that this is not how it should be. You shouldn’t be afraid to ask your parents for comfort and support as a five-year-old who just had a nightmare. Your parents were assholes who made you feel like a burden for existing as a child.
Since I cut contact I’ve never ever needed MY mother.
All my life I’ve needed A mother, so since I’ve cut contact sometimes I’ve needed A mother, but I’ve never needed MY mother. because nobody needs toxicity and that’s all MY mother is.
Yes. This is exactly it
This. So. Much. This.
A woman I met online when I was fifteen who lives on the other side of the country is more of a mother to me than my maternal unit could ever hope to be.
TRIGER WARNINGS: TERFS, depression physical abuse, sexual abuse, suicide, death, sexual harrassment, sexual harrassment from a family member, abusive relationship, abusive boyfriend, toxic relationship, unaccepting family, rape, toxic family, family
as everyone knows i have quit tumblr. i originally joined when I was closeted as an escape from my family who are not open minded. i had posted my early transition progress frequently including when I found out that I’m intersex. when i started this blog i had short blonde hair and walked around naked constantly because all of my male clothes made me super dysphoric. a year after i joined engaged to a guy named Luke who i never ever showed pics of or even introduced to any of my irl friends, mainly because he was physically and sexually abusive and i didn’t want pics of someone who i was terrified of on my blog. i used to make a bunch of awful jokes and even made a joke blog about not wiping my ass under the name of Mark Skidz as a coping mechanism with all the bullshit in my life. then my house caught on fire and shortly after i started getting sexually harrased by a distant relative on facebook then after that tumblr started to become toxic to me when i got cyberbullied by over 500 TERFs, i also got sexually harrased on tumblr in my anons (many of which i was stupid enough to answer instead of just deleting them). then i found out Luke was cheating on me constantly and that was basically the final straw for me which caused me to post a bunch of suicidal posts on here and basically caused my life to go completely downhill since, i did have a girlfriend for a brief period she was cute and supportive but it just didn’t work out because we had too many problems of our own. after that break up i decided to take a break from social media. but shortly after i quit without warning because i couldn’t post on here anymore because it was too painful for me. long story short this post is my final goodbye. thank you to everyone who supported me over the years until we meet again
you sacrificed so much for me but i sacrificed so much for you and i wish you’d just go away and leave me alone. don’t leave me; i’m scared when you’re not there with me. can you give me this? i don’t want anything from you. i can never forgive you. do you forgive me? i don’t care for what you have to say to me or what you think of me. are you proud of me? i am free. let me in. i’m not your therapist. it’s ok, i’m here to listen. did you ever love me? i love you so much that it hurts and i hate you so much that it might just make me bleed. give me a hug? i can never not love you. do you feel the same way? do you even know i feel this way? do even know what i feel? did you ever care?
