#private detective

PREMISE: The Blender is always set to pulse. Pulse pounding! The Blender is an ultra-violent series about a PI who doesn’t settle disagreements with words or conventional weapons–he settles them with his blender. When you’ve got a problem and brute force is the only way out, call The Blender. He’ll blend up anyone giving you trouble. When The Blender is on the case, you’ll have to speak up in order to be heard over the noisy whirr of justice.

CHARACTERS: Dirk Throttler has an uncontrollable temper. He spent 20 years in prison for a series of brutal assaults, and when he got out, he swore he’d go straight. He landed an honest job at Smoothie Kingdom, but some thugs came around demanding protection money, and Throttler’s blind rage kicked in. He fought the goons off using the nearest weapon at hand: a blender. Realizing he would never be able to live the humble life of a peaceful smoothie maker, Throttler became The Blender. Now he uses his anger, and his newfound weapon of choice, to help the downtrodden and do good.

NOTABLE EPISODE: When a grieving mother hires him to investigate her son’s death, The Blender is drawn into the brutal world of underground bare-knuckle boxing. The Russian mobsters who run the fights get wise to The Blender’s investigation, and decide they need to take him out. Thrown into the ring with five ‘roided up bodybuilders, and surrounded by a crowd thirsty for blood, The Blender has no choice but to blend his way out. Fortunately he brought an extra-long extension cord. The ensuing fight was so bloody and violent, even the crowd at the bare knuckle boxing ring couldn’t stand to watch it (S08E.19 – “Holy Frappe”).

CATCHPHRASE:  “You’ve been blended.” / The ceaseless whirring of the blender.

TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: The Blender’s blender was an Osterizer Galaxie 457 manufactured in 1985–which megafans noted is not the model used at Smoothie Kingdom.

PREMISE: Sometimes it’s obvious why a relationship ended—but sometimes things come to an end, and nobody, not even the couple, can seem to figure out why. That’s where Xavier Cupid comes in. He’s a hard-boiled breakup detective who’s not interested in uncovering cheating or infidelity – the only lies he wants to expose are the lies people tell themselves about their relationships. This Cupid doesn’t use a bow and arrow, he carries a .44 Magnum, and he’s out to solve the greatest mysteries of all: The mysteries of the human heart.

CHARACTERS: Xavier Cupid used to run the top matchmaking service in all of Chicago, but he was forced into retirement by the rise of online dating services, and a horrific accident, involving a dozen extra-thorny roses, that killed two of his clients. Now he spends his days investigating breakups that are so emotionally complex, even the people who broke up can’t seem to explain them.
          Phylicia Cupid is Xavier’s wife of 35 years. They have a healthy, stable, loving relationship. Or do they? Yes, they do.

NOTABLE EPISODE: Martha and Mike seemed like the perfect couple, but they broke up and their friends want to know why. They pool their money and hire Cupid, who discovers that deep down, Martha didn’t believe she could ever be as wonderful as Mike thought she was, and that Mike had an unspoken fear of repeating the mistakes his parents made in their relationship. The episode ends with Cupid accidentally getting drawn into an entirely unrelated shootout with a group of drug smugglers down at the docks where Martha and Mike took a walk on their first date (S11.E11 – “Intima-Sea Issues”).

CATCHPHRASE: “Love doesn’t conquer all–but I do.” / The sound of “Nothing Compares 2 U” played over the speakers of a car parked on the side of the road, mingled with the driver’s quiet weeping.

TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: There is a significant spike in the number of illegal downloads of the show every Valentine’s day.