#rl shit
People are always like, “You don’t want kids of your own???”
Like it’s so shocking. And then I tell them how many niblings I have, and they’re like, “yeah, okay, that’s fair.”
Not that I need to justify myself to them, but I just find it funny that no one argues further.
With my birthday coming up, my dad asked how I wanted my birthday money
When I told him I’d like an Amazon gift card, he paused and said, “You’re gonna spend it on smut, aren’t you?”
“I have a backlog of books I wanna buy, yes,” I said. “You should see my spreadsheet.”
Which ofc meant that he wanted to see my spreadsheet. I shared it with him, he clicked on a few links, and then said, exasperated, “Why do all of them have to have their shirts off???”
It’s the romance genre, my guy, I don’t know what you were expecting
I just realized that on one tab, there’s two different books with “Daddy” in the title ♀️
But to paraphrase Tony Stark: let’s be honest, this is not the worst thing he’s caught me reading/writing.
With my birthday coming up, my dad asked how I wanted my birthday money
When I told him I’d like an Amazon gift card, he paused and said, “You’re gonna spend it on smut, aren’t you?”
“I have a backlog of books I wanna buy, yes,” I said. “You should see my spreadsheet.”
Which ofc meant that he wanted to see my spreadsheet. I shared it with him, he clicked on a few links, and then said, exasperated, “Why do all of them have to have their shirts off???”
It’s the romance genre, my guy, I don’t know what you were expecting
so, in the past eight months or so, one of the things I picked up to do as a way to unwind in my free time, is paint-by-numbers canvases
I like painting, but I do not know how to draw. I like all of the arts, in case you haven’t cottoned on yet, I just only have a questionable talent for one of those things.
Anyways, I painted a certain someone a peacock–because that’s what you do when you find a peacock canvas at Walmart and you know a person who raises them–and then I moved on to the second canvas.
I got halfway through it, got mad that it wasn’t pretty, and just left it on my dresser for the next six months. I cleaned my room this weekend, moved the canvas, and realized I could not move on to another one (I have two waiting to be started) until I finished this one. So I started painting it again. I’m still not happy with whoever came up with how this is turning out, but I’ve made my peace with it.
Anyways, I tell you this, only to say that it’s a good thing that this is something I do alone, in my bedroom, with no one else around to witness it. Because I definitely, 100% make little sound effects while I paint.
Like Bob Ross, but worse~
My dad thinks he’s hilarious
I have a CE class I gotta take today, and I’m doing it virtually bc it’s preferable to sitting in a classroom for half the day
But my ADD brain, instead of preparing itself to pay attention, is like, “well, at least we can finally spring clean our room today.”
Not ONLY did I just explain what Omegaverse/knotting was to a non-fandom person, but I did it using @icaruspendragon’s Tik Toks
I think we can all agree that was the best way to break it to them gently
So, my mom is like a stereotypical Southern Mom, right. She rules with an iron fist, but she’s a nice lady to you if you’re nice to her. She goes out of her way to help people and make them feel welcome, etc. She’s the kind of person that growing up, any kid that knew her for more than five minutes also called her “Mom.”
Heck, even my uncle’s friends called her that. My uncle, for the record, is only six years older than me. So it’s not as weird as it sounds.
As a result, the people around her give her a sort of preferential treatment when it comes to the trading of goods. “Hey, I got this thing that I don’t want anymore. Before I put it up for sale, do you have a use for it?”
This is a common thing with her. Also with my brother. When they show up with random stuff, I do not question it. For the record, no, I don’t have this skill. They are extroverts and I am very much an introvert. Most people aren’t even sure I like them half the time.
Anyways, a few years ago, by random happenstance, two different people offered my mom some pretty nice above-ground pools. The kind with the metal shell and stuff. All she had to do was go disassemble them and they were hers, free of charge.
One was put up at my house, and one was put up at her house. It took an entire weekend for each pool, okay, this was an undertaking and a half. In mid-May in North Carolina. It was hot and it was humid as fuck.
My brother and his friend helped, my sister and her husband, my other sister and her bf, like everyone pitched in whatever time they could spare. And once it was done, we all decided as a family that we loved each other too much to ever put up another one of those pools. Our relationships would not survive a third trial.
But we had the pools, so I guess we’ll take it as a win.
Why am I telling you this? Bc it’s technically overdue time to get the pools ready for summer. My mom started yesterday, and I started today. We have not invested in covers for either pool, so we have to clear out the leaves and kill the algae, etc.
When I was done starting the process tonight, I sent my mom a picture with the caption, “Progress.” Just to let her know I’d started, y’know. The water was already lighter (although admittedly still green) and the leaves were gone! It was progress!!
This is what I get in return
She did not have to do my like that, fam.
Direct byproduct of being neurodivergent and growing up isolated from your peergroup is having no idea when it’s appropriate to define someone as your friend
Is this person I met yesterday my friend? What about this person I’ve been talking to every day for three months? What about this person I’ve known since middle school? Is friend a title I have to earn? What are the limits of friendship? Is it a static state, make-or-break, or is it some endless dance-dance-revolution style cavalcade of prompts and challenges and social cues I have to hit perfectly to keep it up? Does it bend? Does it break? I don’t fucking know man I just work here.
i still remember when the dude doing my autism assessment asked me how many friends I had, and I was like “okay but how are we defining friendship?” and he just like, stared at me for a second and then wrote down some notes
okay but why is this so accurate
I have 2 people in my real life that I used to work with
One of them, her husband legit picked up my digital piano from the music store and dropped it off at my house for me bc it was such a wild purchase that I didn’t have the right car to take it home in, I’ve been to her house multiple times for drinks & games/bonfire, we’ve been shopping together more than once, she spent time to MAKE ME A CROSS STITCH that says “I can’t adult today” in ace colors
The other one has been present at bonfire night, has been riding with me on the SxS, and has gone camping with me and my family
I still refer to them as my (old) coworkers instead of my friends when talking to other people
I turn 32 next month and my instinctive response to inquiries about my social circle are still “I don’t have any friends,” WHEN THIS IS CLEARLY INACCURATE
I take an OTC sleep aid, so I have some pretty funky dreams. I don’t remember a lot of them when I wake up, but I remember last night’s and it describes my relationship with my big sister perfectly
The thing you need to know is that my sister has led The Hoe Life since she hit puberty. I have never shamed her for this, bc my philosophy has always been you do you and Imma do me.
Anyways, knowing that, here is the only part of the dream I remember:
My sister flew to South Korea to “see a friend,” and I was with her.
When we landed, she looks at me and says, “You know why we’re here, right?”
Like she thought she’d gotten one over on me with the ‘friend’ story and now she was ready to break the news.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, babe, I have met you. Go do your thing, I’m gonna see if I can find a noodle shop.”
So, she went to Korea for a booty call, and I supported this wild endeavor for the food. If that ain’t us, I don’t know what is.
The best part is I called her and told her about the dream, and she said, “Okay, but you do realize that as soon as I heard ‘noodles,’ I would been like, ‘the sex can wait, let’s go.’”
She has her priorities in order.
My brother’s oldest daughter (9) FaceTiming me and after a minute of talking to her, me telling her that I gotta go bc I’m still at work
Her: “Tell them that you should be allowed to leave right now because you work hard and your child really wants you to come home.”
Me: “My child, huh? Is that you?”
Her, nodding seriously: “Yes.”
Life as The Aunt:
Leave work at 5pm, scarf down a quick dinner, then it’s kindergarten orientation at 5:30pm & a high school orchestra concert across town at 6:30pm
I thought not having kids meant I had MORE free time Turns out, when your siblings are still popping them out, you still have none
My brother’s BFF works at my new job and he buys me Starbucks every morning, so I grab his lunch while I’m out since I go first
This exchange is very quick, literally “hello can I have my coffee? Thank you” “what do you want for lunch?” / “here is your food.”
He is married with a child, I am asexual, and nothing about our interactions has been even remotely flirty, but the other guys that he works with asked if we were sleeping together
Because a dude and a female-presenting person cannot be nice to each other without sex being involved ♀️
It’s the first warm, sunny weekend we’ve had since winter started and as a result, Mother and I decided that we would go riding on our side-by-sides
I walked into her house this morning, after talking to her multiple times on the phone, and while I was talking to my stepdad, I hear VERY QUIET footsteps go from my mom’s sewing room down the hall. I look just in time to watch her bedroom close soundlessly.
My mother, who is almost 51 years old, just snuck through her own house so that I wouldn’t realize she hadn’t gotten dressed yet and fuss at her
This woman is utterly ridiculous, and I love her
The stereotype: Teenagers hate their parent(al figure)s / are super embarrassed and reluctant to show affection to anyone
The almost-seventeen-year-old residing in my house as I walk through the door, while on a call with his friend group, the mic still clearly on: “HEY, YOU’RE HOME!! Hey! I love you! I LOVE YOU.”
Des’s Sage Advice of the Day:
NEVER SHOW AFFECTION TO CHILDREN.
If you DO, then they sus out that you LIKE them, and know that they can manipulate you with cute smiles and entreaties of, “Don’t you want to come see my fort?” and “Daddy’s grilling! You don’t have to eat, but don’t you wanna come over??” when you are tired and you’re only wish to shower and go to bed
No, this is not an oddly specific scenario, it’s just general advice.
I’m not saying the universe rewards me for being a good aunt, but I also came home with a new sharp object, because my brother opened the door brandishing it and I was like, “I love it, it’s mine now,” and he obligingly put it back in its sheath and handed it over.
So, like. It doesn’t not reward me.
Des’s Sage Advice of the Day:
NEVER SHOW AFFECTION TO CHILDREN.
If you DO, then they sus out that you LIKE them, and know that they can manipulate you with cute smiles and entreaties of, “Don’t you want to come see my fort?” and “Daddy’s grilling! You don’t have to eat, but don’t you wanna come over??” when you are tired and you’re only wish to shower and go to bed
No, this is not an oddly specific scenario, it’s just general advice.
Teenager having internet problems on his computer. I can’t figure it out, so I have my dad on the phone. 20 minutes of trying shit later, Dad says, “What kind of adapter does he have?? Is it like a little antenna or what?”
“No,” I say, “I don’t see anything like that.”
As Dad and I continue to converse, the Teenager silently walks out of the room and comes back and says, “You mean this thing? I didn’t know what it was, but I could [makes woo-woo noises while miming spinning something] so I took it off.”
…I’m gonna kill this kid
So tonight was the Memorial for Witnesses—the commemoration of Jesus’ death—and I always attend with my mom even though I’m not religious anymore
But my mom is in a new congregation and the talk that was given tonight was the closest thing to a sermon I’ve ever heard in a Kingdom Hall and it was weird.
There’s no real point to this post, I just had to get that thought outta my head~
Today is E’s birthday and at 8am, I get a message from him that says, “Aunt [Dessie] you know what today is?”
Kid, you are my honorary child. When your mother talks about you to me, she uses the phrase “our son.”
Yes, I know what today is ♀️
What it’s like to live three houses down from your brother, the saga continues:
9pm at night. I’ve only been home long enough to shower and crawl in bed. Less than five minutes later, the dogs start barking. Movement in the house.
A trio of gremlins, each with their own pool float, parades into my room. Their father is behind them.
He cajoles. He blackmails. He pouts.
I concede only as far as to sit outside with them while they swim. The only thing that saves me from being thrown into the pool in my only nightshirt and my only silk bonnet is my sister-in-law, who scolds him for harassing me.
Brothers are a Trial.
A week in the life of Des:
Saturday - Bday party for one of the niblings, who turned five on Friday.
Sunday - Bday lunch for my dad, who turned 54 on Monday.
Monday — Help Mom & Stepdad disassemble and reassemble a slide for their pool bc whatever the grandkids want, they get. Pick Dad’s mom up, transport her to hospital for few hours of visitation with her husband, go back later to pick her up and take her home.
Tuesday — Work. Pick Grandma up at lunch, take her to hospital. Pick other grandmother up bc she needs to borrow my car for a doctors appt, have her take me back to work. Take that grandmother home after work, pick up Hospital Grandma and take her home. Get call from Mom as I make my way to my house; her dogs are out of food & she doesn’t get paid til Wednesday. Take dog food from my house to her house.
Wednesday — Work, Grandma > hospital, work, hospital > Grandma’s house. Get home, little sister calls. One of the babies is sick and nowhere around her has This Thing, “can you run to Target and see if they have it before I drive all the way into town?” Sure, why not.
Today — Work, Grandma > hospital, work, hospital > Grandma’s house. And then my friend-old-coworker texted asking for the Teenager’s help moving furniture, so we gotta do that after I’m doing chauffeuring.
I don’t know who’s gonna need me tomorrow, but I’ve changed my name and moved to a different country.
Every day of my life, I wake up wanting to write Something, but all my brain gives me is a vibe
I want to write something with this vibe.
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO WRITE A VIBE?
….so I end up writing porn instead. It’s easier than finding a plot in a fucking vibe.
