I’ve never posted this piece here so!! I still really do like it so you’re getting it too now. Not the full image though because I feel like the whole pose looks a bit unnatural now whoops. It’s from a few months ago now so I guess that means I’ve improved since
With my birthday coming up, my dad asked how I wanted my birthday money
When I told him I’d like an Amazon gift card, he paused and said, “You’re gonna spend it on smut, aren’t you?”
“I have a backlog of books I wanna buy, yes,” I said. “You should see my spreadsheet.”
Which ofc meant that he wanted to see my spreadsheet. I shared it with him, he clicked on a few links, and then said, exasperated, “Why do all of them have to have their shirts off???”
It’s the romance genre, my guy, I don’t know what you were expecting
if you found out that your dad has 120k followers on tiktok what would it be for? what would your dad’s tiktok niche be
My dad died before TikTok was a thing. But he’d be the chill vibes guy. Some quotes from him (paraphrased):
“I didn’t grow my beard. It grew itself. I simply stopped shaving” (followed by: I’m glad I have a beard, because now women are less scared of me, because I no longer look like the patriarchal norm [side note: he looked like Santa Claus])
“You are a beautiful arrangement of energy.”
“My highest goal in life is to become a dog.”
“You know you’re in balance with God’s plan when you’re having fun.” (though this was actually the moral of a longer story he often told, from his own youth)
Can I just say Bones does not get nearly enough credit for how well he reads people?? Like, we all forget that he is not only a doctor, he’s a psychiatrist as well. And not only is he insanely good at reading Jim, we also see him read and understand Spock (who is his opposite and with whom he frequently disagrees) and push him when it’s necessary. It’s Bones’ words that make some of the most powerful exchanges out of all the 79 original episodes. Here is proof (and there’s a lot of it):
Balance of Terror
Jim’s doubting himself and is dealing with a lot of stress because of all his responsibilities and the burden of making decisions, and asks Bones, “What if I’m wrong?” This is an incredibly vulnerable moment for Jim, who always has to be strong, and when Bones starts to answer, Jim gets up and says “I wasn’t really expecting an answer.”
Bones immediately puts his hand on his shoulder, stops him, and says, “Well, I’ve got one.” Completely unexpected by Jim. Bones starts off by saying “This isn’t something I’d usually tell a customer,” then gives the speech we all probably know, about how there are millions of possible earth-like planets, “but in all of that, and possibly more, only one of each of us. Don’t destroy the one named Kirk.”
Let’s break down why this is so good. First, Bones lets Jim know that he sees how vulnerable Jim is being and that he’s talking to Jim as a friend. He recognizes that Jim’s identity is fundamentally tied to his role as a captain, and also acknowledges how deep Jim’s doubts are going, and at the same time reminds Jim that he is the one in control of himself (something very grounding for Jim) and he is not alone (because Bones is supporting him). Most of all, he doesn’t dwell on the vulnerability Jim’s expressing, but encourages him to take action, which is Jim’s natural bent. He perfectly adapts to how Jim functions and knows what to say to get him back into a place where he can do what he does best: lead.
The Ultimate Computer
Jim has been been feeling insecure and threatened this entire episode, because a computer may take away his role as captain. Twice he seeks out Bones for comfort. First, he tells him that he has concerns about the computer, but worries about his motives. “You have my psychological profiles; am I afraid? Of losing my job? …Daystrom’s right, I could do a lot of other things. Am I afraid of losing the power, the prestige? Am I that petty?”
Bones replies, “Jim, if you’re self-aware enough to ask that question, you don’t need me to answer it for you. Why don’t you ask James T. Kirk? He’s a pretty honest guy.”
Breakdown: Bones responds beautifully by once again reminding Jim that he knows himself and is in control. That sense of confidence is all Jim is after. He also establishes earlier in the conversation that what Jim is feeling is not unusual and can be understood. Brilliant.
The second time Jim reaches out to Bones (this episode is my favorite for a reason), he’s doubting his role even more intensely, having just been blatantly insulted and called useless (affirming his insecurities). He left the bridge, silently, by himself, and even Spock didn’t follow him out. Bones knew he needed help and went to him, with some drinks (Jim initially responds that he’s not interested in eating–coping by losing interest in food) and a joke and light-hearted attitude, so that Jim can feel comfortable expressing himself. Jim puts on an air of not caring (shutting himself off from his emotions) and says he’s never felt so useless, and makes a cynical joke as a toast, “To Captain Dunsel” (the insult from earlier, meaning “unnecessary”).
Bones stops him, looks him in the eye, and says “To James Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise.” Jim says softly, “Thank you, Doctor,” and when he downs his glass, Bones follows suit.
There’s just so much good about this. Bones seeks him out even when he was trying to isolate himself because he knew Jim tends to distract himself and unhealthily repress things. And he doesn’t let Jim get away with being blasé about how he’s been hurt, but he doesn’t force him to be honest either; instead, he lets Jim know he sees how he’s feeling and how deeply he’s hurt, and also reaffirms that Bones still cares about, respects, and most of all, believes in him. When Jim starts talking after the drink, Bones just listens and lets him talk, and when Jim responds to the call to the bridge, he follows him out. Back in action, and another job well done.
The Trouble With Tribbles
Just a brief point with this: Spock is just being silent here, which is typical for him. But Bones asks him “What’s the matter, Spock?” seemingly out of the blue. Spock responds with, “There’s something disquieting about these creatures,” which means that he was feeling off, and Bones picked up on it. Bones then makes a joke (“Don’t tell me you’ve got a feeling!”) which lets Spock know that Bones sees what he’s saying but isn’t treating it as unusual (since the joking between them is their normal behavior). And when Spock continues talking, he hears him out (although it eventually degenerates into their typical spat).
All Our Yesterdays
Spock has begun degenerating into a pre-reformed-Vulcan version of himself. He gives up on trying to get back to their proper time and becomes irritable. Bones notices that something’s wrong almost immediately.
He starts by asking about Jim (because he knows how deeply Spock cares for him), and Spock responds apathetically. This clearly shocks Bones, who then says “I don’t believe it, Spock. It’s just not like you to give up trying.” When Spock doesn’t acknowledge something’s off, Bones presses him: “I understand. I never thought I’d see it, but I understand. You want to stay here. In fact, you’re highly motivated to stay in this forsaken waste!” Spock deflects again, and Bones keeps pressing, which leads to Spock grabbing him by the neck and saying angrily, “I don’t like that. I don’t think I ever did, and now I’m sure.” Bones simply looks him in the eye and asks calmly, “What’s happening to you, Spock?”
Instead of hassling Spock about why he isn’t doing more, he focuses on what’s wrong with Spock himself, and he clearly has a deep understanding of who Spock really is. He starts by trying to get a feel for Spock’s emotional state by going to ground 0: Jim. And he doesn’t back down when Spock tries to blow him off.
Seeing that he’s getting nowhere, Bones bides his time, and then starts something with Zarabeth, knowing Spock will jump to her defense.
When Spock pins him against the wall, Bones calmly says, “Are you trying to kill me, Spock? Is that what you really want? Think! What are you feeling? Rage, jealousy–have you ever had those feelings before?” Spock is clearly affected by this, and says it’s impossible, since he’s a Vulcan. Bones sees his opening, saying “The Vulcan you knew won’t exist for another 5000 years! Think, man! What’s happening on your planet right now, at this very moment?” Spock answers with the facts, and Bones tells him flat-out what’s going on: he’s reverting. Spock falls quiet, and says, “I’ve lost myself. I do not know who I am.”
Bones is specifically structuring his responses (both here and earlier) to cause Spock to evaluate himself–to think,which has always has grounded Spock. Bones indirectly (so that Spock doesn’t feel as threatened by the accusation) indicates that Spock’s being too emotional. Hewants Spock to see for himself that something’s wrong, so Bones asks questions or makes open-ended statements so that Spock will have to respond. He also provides enough evidence (pointing out the emotions Spock is feeling) to prove he has a point and guide Spock towards a conclusion. He’s talking Spock through it, using reason and logic, which Spock has always responded to. Bones’ questions are also phrased so that the answers are objective facts–he’s bringing Spock back to the verifiable, Spock’s comfort zone. Finally, he does the analysis for Spock, telling him what’s undeniably happening, but leaves the course of action open to Spock, so that he can regain control of himself by deciding how to proceed. Bones smoothly and logically guided Spock to the delicate realization he needed to have.
Of Bread and Circuses
Then of course we have this iconic exchange. Jim’s been separated from the both of them and they are all in danger. Spock is pulling at the bars although he knows it will be futile.
Bones calls him out on this, and then thanks him for saving his life. When Spock brushes him off and keeps his walls up, Bones says, “I know why you’re not afraid to die, Spock. You’re more afraid of living. Every day you stay alive is just one more day you might slip–and let your human half peek out.” Spock is silent and looks away, and Bones continues, now smiling slightly: “That’s it, isn’t it? Insecurity. Why, you wouldn’t know what to do with a genuine, warm, decent feeling.” His face makes it clear he’s gently baiting Spock, who then looks back at Bones and says, “Really, Doctor?” Bones replies softly, “I know. I’m worried about Jim, too.”
First thing: Spock’s theme starts playing when Bones corners him. So we’re supposed to get that Bones is really laying him bare. But starting from the beginning of the scene, Bones recognizes Spock’s anxiety through his illogical behavior. He takes the time to thank Spock for saving his life, in an effort to remind Spock that he is competent and in control–basically, trying to calm Spock down and reassure him. When Spock refuses to deal with his emotions productively, Bones is having none of it, and shows Spock just how much he knows. He can tell Spock isn’t worried for himself (“you’re not afraid to die”) but also is well aware of Spock’s actual fears (which are coloring his current behavior towards Bones). Basically, Bones is saying, “this facade of yours can’t keep me out. You’re understood. You’re not alone.” Saying it in those terms, though, would just make Spock feel weak for unsuccessfully trying to mask his behavior, so Bones frames it as a gentle challenge. When Spock looks away, he can tell he’s hit the nail on the head, and he smiles because he’s getting through to him. His face as he says “you wouldn’t know what to do with a genuine, warm, decent feeling” telegraphs to the audience that he’s not actually serious, but is looking for a response. And he gets it–Spock acknowledges, as Bones had intended, that he is currently dealing with emotions. And that’s where Bones wanted to get him, because now that he’s admitted it, he can move forward; but Bones doesn’t want this admission to go unrewarded, and definitely doesn’t want Spock to go on believing that Bones meant what he’d said about not knowing what to do with feelings, so he again tells Spock that he understands what’s really going on, but without challenge this time. He just accepts it and reassures Spock that he’s not alone: “I know. I’m worried about Jim too.” They’re in it together, and now that Spock is a little more vulnerable, he’s able to see that Bones is right beside him.
So that was a lot, but there is definitely even more. Basically, give Bones the appreciation he deserves, because his emotional intuition is off the charts. (After all, as he is so fond of reminding us, he is a doctor!)
I really need to email my aunt to ask her to stop sending me photos from my dad’s funeral.
She knows I’m having a rough time emotionally right now, that I’m seeking help, and she’s a very sweet lady, so I’m sure she’s trying to be supportive.
But 3 times now in the weeks since she found out I was in treatment, she has sent me photos from my dad’s funeral, with messages like, “I love this photo of you with your dad’s flag” (he was a veteran, so I was given a folded American flag in his memory).
Aunt M, I know you love me and want to express your affection. But my dad’s funeral was not a happy day for me, and I’d rather not keep getting photos of it in my inbox. Especially when I’m already emotionally vulnerable. K? Thx.
My dad was in the other room and out no nowhere exclaimed, “MOUTHFACE!” and ran in to grin at me because we were talking about The Trail To Oregon last night and couldn’t remember the Daughter’s name until now, and we’re both so excited.
I was telling my dad about Gravity Falls and he said oh I know that one, that’s where they go to Alaska and proceeded to tell me about The Great North (which he also did not watch)
I am OBSESSED with people telling me how they met the love of their life. Just found out my director met his wife through a misdirected email - that’s fate right there.
“I saw her last name was Jewish - and I’m Jewish, so when I corrected the email I told her Shabbat Shalom with a smiley face — this was the very beginning of the emoticon era, you understand. She had a watermark of a dog rescue at the bottom of her email, and I love dogs, so I found her website and there she was — all these videos of her rehabilitating dogs and talking about the organization. I fell in love with her just from those videos.”
“I asked if we could meet for coffee, told her I was looking for volunteer opportunities — which was halfway a lie — and she said ‘okay, but just so you know I have a boyfriend, so this is strictly business,’ and I was so disappointed, but I did want to meet her. We sat in that coffeeshop until they turned the lights out on us, and she broke up with her boyfriend the next day.”
MULTIPLE people in the notes have told me how important these tags are to them so here’s to keeping it in the main post.
My folks met at Alcoholics’ Anonymous.
Dad has The Most Generic White Boy American Name, while mom immigrated from Lithuania when she was, like, three and had The Most Lithuanian Name. They introduced themselves, and Mom insisted Dad must be using a pseudonym, since, you know. AA. He had to get his wallet out and show her ID to prove that, yes, he just has an incredibly generic name.
