Red Hood: *taps his foot impatiently while he checks his watch for the nth time* Come on, come on, come on. Make the drop, you guys.
Red Hood: *sighs in frustration as he disassembles and reassembles his pistol in 15 seconds flat for the nth time* Let’s get it over with.
Red Hood: *peeks from behind a stack of crates for the nth time* I don’t have all day. I promised Alfred I’d make it to dinner on time –
Red Hood: *stares at his ringing phone with narrowed eyes*
Red Hood: *picks it up* Roman.
Black Mask [on the phone]: *chuckling* Jason, my dear boy! How’ve you been? You look healthy. Very much alive, even.
Red Hood: *spots the tiny, hidden camera attached to a steel beam above him (How in the world did he miss that?) andcocks both his guns* Where are your men, ugly face?
Black Mask: Don’t you speak to me that way, you little rat! Before I make you a very D-E-A-… Hm. Forget I said that.
Red Hood:What?
Black Mask: The point is you’ve wasted your time waiting for nothing. So get lost!
Red Hood: Don’t lie to me! I’ve been tracking your every move for weeks and this warehouse reeks of your poisonous, criminal stench –
Black Mask: *lets out a drawn-out sigh* Listen, just go home, kid. The carnage you were looking forward to today? Newsflash: It ain’t happening!
Red Hood: You don’t tell me what to do, you sick son of a –
Black Mask: I tell you what: You go home tonight – and I mean home – I’ll forward you the coordinates of every illegal shipment to and from Janus Cosmetics within a hundred mile radius. You can blow it all up for all I care. Deal?
Red Hood: And if you don’t? If you lie to me?
Black Mask: *growling* You’ll find them anyway, you always do!
Red Hood:Why?
Black Mask:Hm?
Red Hood:Why?
Black Mask: *plays a vinyl record in the background, sounding more relaxed* Because there are better days to dance our tango, Jason… Da-rum, da-rum, da-rum da-ra…
Red Hood:…
Red Hood: Did Batman put you up to this?
Black Mask: *crumpling a piece of paper near the phone speaker* You’re breaking up! *click*
>>> *** <<<
[Safe house, undisclosed location, 1815 H]
Red Hood: *fumbling as he enters the wrong passcode to the steel door for the third time in a row* Crap! Crap! Crap! I’m gonna be late!
Lock: Password incorrect. Initializing Code Red Protocol in three, two, o–
Red Hood: Override the stupid passcode! Activate voice recognition!
Lock: Activating voice recognition –
Red Hood: The Handsome Robin! The Handsome Robin!
Lock: Welcome, Jason Todd. Opening door n–
Red Hood: Hello, Safe House! *squeezes himself in the still-narrow space, then trips over his weapons, armor, and garments as he hurriedly strips himself of them en route to the bathroom*
Red Hood: *abruptly stops in his tracks* What the fuuhhh…
Red Hood: *watches as bubbly, green fluid oozes out of his bathtub*
Red Hood: *picks up the rolled piece of parchment beside his Batshampoo, unties the ribbon around it, and spreads it open*
Note: “In case you needed more. [signed] The Demon’s Head”
>>> *** <<<
[Crime Alley, 1903 H]
Red Hood: *groans as he realizes that his motorcycle just ran out of fuel*Seriously?
Harley Quinn: *rollerblading into view* Hey, Baby J! Need a lift? *holds up an extra pair of roller blades*
Red Hood: Yeahhhh no.
Harley Quinn: Come on! It’ll be fun! And I promise I won’t bite cha. *winks*
Red Hood: Oh, what the heck. *grabs the roller blades* So you really just carry around an extra pair of blades, huh? *proceeds to put his on*
Harley Quinn: Nope! But I’ve had this with me for a while now. *takes out a tiny package from the pocket of her shorts and hands it to Jason*
Red Hood: *examines it* Hm.
Harley Quinn: It ain’t poisoned or nothin’! Pinky swear! *holds out her pinky*
Red Hood: *frowning* What is it?
Harley Quinn: *claps her hands excitedly* Open it! Open it!
Red Hood: *gingerly unfolds the bubble gum wrapper and holds up its minuscule content* … A tiny crowbar?
Harley Quinn: Yes! You can open envelopes with it! Stir coffee with it! Hit tiny Mistah J’s on the noggin’ with it –
Red Hood: *chuckles and puts the gift in his jacket pocket* Okay, okay, I get it. Thanks, I guess.
Harley Quinn: *holds her hand out to Jason* Come on! You’re gonna be late! Alfie ain’t gonna be happy!
I like imaging Jason breaking into the manor in full Red Hood gear just so he can go into the kitchen and stress bake
Bruce: [walks in]
Jason: “no! Out! OUT!”
Bruce: “I livehere!”
Jason: “I don’t care- look you made my soufflé collapse!”
Bruce: “I didn’t do anything, I just wanted to see who was making all this damn noise in my kitchen and get some water”
Jason: “your ugly face scared my fucking soufflé”
Bruce: “Jason you can le-… never mind, I just want my drink”
Jason: “oh my god! Get out already!”
Bruce: [mumbling to himself] “remember you love him, it’s a miracle he’s here today, you love him, you missed him, he is a blessing”
Jason: [throws water bottle at Bruce] “here’s your fucking water, switch over to a filter you fucking asshole. You’re killing the environment, it’s not like you can’t afford a damn filter”
Alright, but the concept of Jason fucking stress baking randomly at the ass crack middle of the night has SO much comedic potential.
Im imagining stressed Jason absolutely HAS to drop everything he’s doing just to stress bake asap.
Unfortunately, that means he’ll break into the nearest kitchen if he has to
And yknow, since Jason is often out on cases/missions where he’s taking down criminals or staking out one of the rogues, there’s not many options for him when it comes to satiating his stressbaking needs sooooo ya gotta do what ya gotta do
[Goon running in hysterical]
Goon: Uh, sir, it’s-it’s the Red Hood.
Black Mask: And you’re telling me this why? Just shoot him, I hired you guys for a reason!
Goon: Well yeah, but uh- He’s um…baking?
Black Mask: He’s what?
Goon: Yeah, he uh, he broke into the kitchen and started baking..but like..REALaggressively
Black Mask:
Goon: Sir, he’s scaring us.
[Cut to Jason in the kitchen, ordering a bunch of Black Mask’s henchmen to run errands and help with the baking]
Jason: Are you KIDDING me?? What kind of henchmen does Black Mask hire?? You’re telling me you can’t even break an egg?? Ridiculous, move over.
The henchman (Who Jason threatened into helping him):Uh-
Jason: And LOOK at these cookies! Do these look fully baked to you?? DO THEY??
The Henchman, now sweating: I’m sor-
Jason gesturing wildly: AND you didn’t even try to separate the yolks from the whites! How did you even get hired?
The baking session ends with a good handful of the henchmen in tears.
Bonus scene of the batfam infiltrating Black Mask’s lair, expecting a shit ton of goons to attack them but little do they know they’re all too busy baking with the Red Hood.
Bonus BONUS scene of the batfam later walking into the kitchen only to see a fuck ton of henchmen frantically scurrying around the kitchen trying to fulfill Jason’s orders, while Jason’s in the corner baking and mumbling about how goon hiring standards have lowered since his old days as robin.
Jason just infiltrates anyone’s kitchen- doesn’t matter if you’re the most feared rogue in Gotham- he’ll waltz in like he fucking owns the place. And oh yeah say goodbye to your goons because they’re Jason’s now :)
