yall i edited it i think its finally cool now guys please i like sobbed three times while trying to edit help hey you should def give it a read tho what omg
Seungcheol tirelessly dragged his feet up the hospital stairs, quietly telling himself to stay strong for one more day before entering your hospital room. There wasn’t much to the room you stayed in, it was just as bleak as the others in the building. Yours though had a vase full of vibrant flowers adorning the table beside the guest chair.
A bright smile graced your features at the sight of him. You were sitting upright to get a good look at the view outside of your hospital window before he walked in. Bright rays of sunlight leaked into your room, bathing you in the sun’s warm hug. Your sketchbook lay open on the overbed table, two small aster flowers sitting on the page of a finished sketch of the plant.
Seungcheol gifted you a chaste kiss before placing his belongings next to the vase of flowers and pulled the guest chair to your bed, ready to talk to you about his day. Speckled scars from your IV needle graced the top of your hand, Seungcheol being cautious when taking your hand in his. The shared smiles and faint giggles in this bleak room were more than enough for him; even the quiet conversations and comforting silences were perfect to him, just as long as he was with you.
Seungcheol wanted to pretend that everything was normal. He wanted you to feel normal and happy despite the sudden relapse of your childhood disease. He wanted to pretend that your skin wasn’t losing its color each day that you remained in the hospital or that you weren’t dying and that any day could be your last. He clung to you, childishly, wanting to spend every minute with you.
If I, if I, if I
The to-do list, because I couldn’t do it, its meaning is completely changed
Seungcheol still had his share of responsibilities despite his wishes to stay by your side 24/7. He still had college and a job to pay rent, which he became disinterested in both. A growing number of absences began appearing on Seungcheol’s school record; the frequent warnings from his boss no longer bothered him. He could no longer concentrate on anything other than you, and his life was being affected by it.
Seungcheol would often reminisce about the memories with you outside of the hospital when your paling skin was still its vibrant color and your smile wider and brighter than it is now. Memories where you would drag him to different places that he had never seen or noticed before or experience something new and fun. Seungcheol smiled to himself, remembering how eager and wide-eyed you were to see the world even before the two of you started dating. He was able to experience and come to understand your perspective as an artist. And he admired you for it, your ability to see beauty in everything, even in him.
And within that month where Seungcheol finally managed to ask you out and become his significant other, he was able to experience pure love and adoration from you. It is because of this love he refuses to accept the reality coming between your relationship with him.
There was still so much that he wanted to do and see with you; the different dates and days that he could only envision with you in it would only remain in his imagination. Everything that he had planned out would remain undone ever since you were admitted to the hospital.
Seungcheol’s to-do list no longer consisted of different escapades with you, but only to see you smile every day.
If I, if I, if I
I didn’t want to calculate the widened angle between us
You knew you didn’t have much time left; the doctors informing you that your time is limited, the disease spreading through your body too fast to cure. Your sickness weakened your body each day; it was growing harder to wake up from the worsening fatigue. It was something that you didn’t want to think about or bring up when you were with Seungcheol, despite him being aware of what was to come.
You could tell that your worsening health was taking a toll on him. You were aware that he was ditching classes and that his job position was being threatened. You knew that he wanted to spend all of his time with you and that you did too. You loved him with all that you had to give; he became your everything without realizing it.
You often cried about the thought of dying and leaving everything behind, usually when Seungcheol left for his night shift or those rare times that he was in school (after scolding him). There were times that you despised yourself for causing so much pain to the person you have grown to love. There were nights where you cried, wishing that you were never diagnosed with this cursed disease, that you had a life with no more medication and pain, to repay Seungcheol for all that he has done while you were, hospitalized. You hated being so weak in front of him, sometimes pushing him away even though you wanted him to stay with you. You cried in fear when he was not there with you, selfish tears falling during the night at the thought of him finding someone else to love apart from you.
As the number of days you spent in the hospital rose, the weaker your body became; the pain in your chest from heartbreak and disease became more evident as breathing became difficult day by day.
With a sudden urge to draw you focused your strength into grabbing the pencil laying on the crease of your sketchbook. Everyday actions had grown increasingly difficult with your weakening strength. The pencil felt heavy in your hand, like carrying bricks, and you brought your other to help stabilize your shaking hand. A quiet sob escaping your lips from frustration and anger as the line on the paper scribbled into nothing. The silent clinking of your pencil hitting the ground didn’t make it to your ears as hot tears fell down your face. Your hands fell to your sides, weak and tired from something so simple. A sudden pain struck your chest making your body lurch forward. A violent array of coughs erupted from you; small droplets of blood mixed with your saliva stained the blank pages of the sketchbook. With blurry vision, you continued to fight for air, the quickening noises of the heart monitor dulling into a loud ringing in your ears as fuzzy images of nurses rushed into the room.
Your eyes shifted to the corner of the room where a vase of wilting flowers sat. Its petals splayed on the guest table, brown and limp, some falling like the confetti for their funeral.
If I-
Seungcheol was looking at the bright colors of the flowers behind the shop’s window on his way to you. The colors reminded him of you in a way; the flower’s vibrant petals livened up the dreary afternoon he was experiencing.
It wasn’t the first time he had been in the shop; Seungcheol had been getting flowers for you here since you hospitalized that the employees at the store began to recognize him whenever he came by. Seungcheol purchased a bouquet of chrysanthemums, as recommended by the florist who told him that it symbolized joy and long life, before heading to the hospital to do his daily visit.
The sky was filled with dark clouds, hiding the sun when Seungcheol made it to the hospital entrance. There was a bad feeling in his stomach and the weather was not helping with his growing anxiety. His grip on the flowers tightened as he hurried his way up to the floor your room was on.
Seungcheol felt his stomach drop at the sight of nurses rushing in and out of your room. He slowly staggered to your open door, pushing through some of the nurses crowding the area to get to you.
Visions and images of you came flooding into his mind as he inched closer to the door, his mind imagined your smiling face, smiling for him and him alone, and you that would jump into his arms and press kisses on his face telling him that you had healed. He imagined walking with you, hand in hand, out of this grim place and taking you to the beaches of Jeju, dancing on the shoreline. And he imagined saying his vows to you, dressed up so prettily with his friends and family around the two of you, and seeing his ring sit on your finger forever.
Seungcheol stopped breathing at the sight of your limp hand dangling on the edge of your bed.
Nurses pushed him out of the way in a rush to save you as he stood there, the chaos in the hall filtered out by the loud ringing of the flat line on your heart monitor. The ringing didn’t stop.
I’m late but even now, my eyes and mouth are full of you; A day passes and the regret is too deep- I’m drowning in it
Jihoon had been the one to take Seungcheol out of the hospital. He received a call earlier from the hospital, Jihoon’s number being listed under Seungcheol’s emergency contact papers after your name, telling him to remove Seungcheol from the waiting room.
Jihoon quickly grabbed Seungcheol’s prepped overnight bag and brought him to his apartment complex. The tight-lipped man didn’t want his friend to be by himself, so he welcomed Seungcheol to stay with him until he was stable enough to be on his own.
Seungcheol felt himself drifting. His head and heart felt empty as if he were floating in space, drifting aimlessly forever without anywhere to go.
Nothing felt real to him anymore; he would often think that he was stuck in the void that your passing had created in his head.
There were times where he would close the world out, where everything would turn black. And suddenly, you would appear, your skin returned to its glowing and natural color, your smile would be shining as it always did whenever he saw you, and your hand would take him, so warm and alive, pulling him into the embrace that he craved and begged so much to have one last time.
His eyes filled to the brim with tears for you, soft broken whimpers of your name escaping his mouth during the night that Jihoon would hear through the thin bedroom walls of the guest room while working. Jihoon could only hang his head in shame, praying for his friend to find peace with your passing.
Seungcheol felt like he was drowning, regret building inside of him. His hopes and dreams that he wished to fulfill with you suffocated him.
If I could have given you the proper support…
If I could have given you that last kiss…
If I could have given you that last ‘I love you’…
If I could still have time.
I’ll do whatever to love you again.
~
Where you going, where are you going
Why do I feel my grip loosening
My fist holding onto the edge of your clothes
Why am I losing strength
Our path, our promise to be together
Is already thwarted and you walk away
Turning your back on me
It reduces to a single dot
It’s too empty outside of that interest
I hope that that dot
Comes back before me and turns into you
If I could
If I could
If I could
I’ll do whatever
…
Seungcheol stands in front of your grave years after your death, a fresh aster flower in his hand as he reminisces on the memories the two of you shared in your younger years. These memories that could only bring him sadness in the past made him smile, time allowing his wound of you to heal in his heart. The thoughts of “what could have been” were able to fade with time as well.
Sometimes though, a few tears would escape. Seungcheol let out a sniffle, a dopey smile gracing his features as he apologized to you. He gently placed the flower on your headstone, his fingers tracing the grooves of your carved name on the stone as he did every time he visited you. He let his hand linger just a bit longer on your grave as he longed silently, hoping his prayers get to you. A ring of love adorned his ring finger as the rays of the sun bounced off the metal. Seungcheol’s face now with visible signs of age, smiled once more at your grave, whispering the words he wished he could have said to you before your passing,
