Seungcheol tirelessly dragged his feet up the hospital stairs, quietly telling himself to stay strong for one more day before entering your hospital room. There wasn’t much to the room you stayed in, it was just as bleak as the others in the building. Yours though had a vase full of vibrant flowers adorning the table beside the guest chair.
A bright smile graced your features at the sight of him. You were sitting upright to get a good look at the view outside of your hospital window before he walked in. Bright rays of sunlight leaked into your room, bathing you in the sun’s warm hug. Your sketchbook lay open on the overbed table, two small aster flowers sitting on the page of a finished sketch of the plant.
Seungcheol gifted you a chaste kiss before placing his belongings next to the vase of flowers and pulled the guest chair to your bed, ready to talk to you about his day. Speckled scars from your IV needle graced the top of your hand, Seungcheol being cautious when taking your hand in his. The shared smiles and faint giggles in this bleak room were more than enough for him; even the quiet conversations and comforting silences were perfect to him, just as long as he was with you.
Seungcheol wanted to pretend that everything was normal. He wanted you to feel normal and happy despite the sudden relapse of your childhood disease. He wanted to pretend that your skin wasn’t losing its color each day that you remained in the hospital or that you weren’t dying and that any day could be your last. He clung to you, childishly, wanting to spend every minute with you.
If I, if I, if I
The to-do list, because I couldn’t do it, its meaning is completely changed
Seungcheol still had his share of responsibilities despite his wishes to stay by your side 24/7. He still had college and a job to pay rent, which he became disinterested in both. A growing number of absences began appearing on Seungcheol’s school record; the frequent warnings from his boss no longer bothered him. He could no longer concentrate on anything other than you, and his life was being affected by it.
Seungcheol would often reminisce about the memories with you outside of the hospital when your paling skin was still its vibrant color and your smile wider and brighter than it is now. Memories where you would drag him to different places that he had never seen or noticed before or experience something new and fun. Seungcheol smiled to himself, remembering how eager and wide-eyed you were to see the world even before the two of you started dating. He was able to experience and come to understand your perspective as an artist. And he admired you for it, your ability to see beauty in everything, even in him.
And within that month where Seungcheol finally managed to ask you out and become his significant other, he was able to experience pure love and adoration from you. It is because of this love he refuses to accept the reality coming between your relationship with him.
There was still so much that he wanted to do and see with you; the different dates and days that he could only envision with you in it would only remain in his imagination. Everything that he had planned out would remain undone ever since you were admitted to the hospital.
Seungcheol’s to-do list no longer consisted of different escapades with you, but only to see you smile every day.
If I, if I, if I
I didn’t want to calculate the widened angle between us
You knew you didn’t have much time left; the doctors informing you that your time is limited, the disease spreading through your body too fast to cure. Your sickness weakened your body each day; it was growing harder to wake up from the worsening fatigue. It was something that you didn’t want to think about or bring up when you were with Seungcheol, despite him being aware of what was to come.
You could tell that your worsening health was taking a toll on him. You were aware that he was ditching classes and that his job position was being threatened. You knew that he wanted to spend all of his time with you and that you did too. You loved him with all that you had to give; he became your everything without realizing it.
You often cried about the thought of dying and leaving everything behind, usually when Seungcheol left for his night shift or those rare times that he was in school (after scolding him). There were times that you despised yourself for causing so much pain to the person you have grown to love. There were nights where you cried, wishing that you were never diagnosed with this cursed disease, that you had a life with no more medication and pain, to repay Seungcheol for all that he has done while you were, hospitalized. You hated being so weak in front of him, sometimes pushing him away even though you wanted him to stay with you. You cried in fear when he was not there with you, selfish tears falling during the night at the thought of him finding someone else to love apart from you.
As the number of days you spent in the hospital rose, the weaker your body became; the pain in your chest from heartbreak and disease became more evident as breathing became difficult day by day.
With a sudden urge to draw you focused your strength into grabbing the pencil laying on the crease of your sketchbook. Everyday actions had grown increasingly difficult with your weakening strength. The pencil felt heavy in your hand, like carrying bricks, and you brought your other to help stabilize your shaking hand. A quiet sob escaping your lips from frustration and anger as the line on the paper scribbled into nothing. The silent clinking of your pencil hitting the ground didn’t make it to your ears as hot tears fell down your face. Your hands fell to your sides, weak and tired from something so simple. A sudden pain struck your chest making your body lurch forward. A violent array of coughs erupted from you; small droplets of blood mixed with your saliva stained the blank pages of the sketchbook. With blurry vision, you continued to fight for air, the quickening noises of the heart monitor dulling into a loud ringing in your ears as fuzzy images of nurses rushed into the room.
Your eyes shifted to the corner of the room where a vase of wilting flowers sat. Its petals splayed on the guest table, brown and limp, some falling like the confetti for their funeral.
If I-
Seungcheol was looking at the bright colors of the flowers behind the shop’s window on his way to you. The colors reminded him of you in a way; the flower’s vibrant petals livened up the dreary afternoon he was experiencing.
It wasn’t the first time he had been in the shop; Seungcheol had been getting flowers for you here since you hospitalized that the employees at the store began to recognize him whenever he came by. Seungcheol purchased a bouquet of chrysanthemums, as recommended by the florist who told him that it symbolized joy and long life, before heading to the hospital to do his daily visit.
The sky was filled with dark clouds, hiding the sun when Seungcheol made it to the hospital entrance. There was a bad feeling in his stomach and the weather was not helping with his growing anxiety. His grip on the flowers tightened as he hurried his way up to the floor your room was on.
Seungcheol felt his stomach drop at the sight of nurses rushing in and out of your room. He slowly staggered to your open door, pushing through some of the nurses crowding the area to get to you.
Visions and images of you came flooding into his mind as he inched closer to the door, his mind imagined your smiling face, smiling for him and him alone, and you that would jump into his arms and press kisses on his face telling him that you had healed. He imagined walking with you, hand in hand, out of this grim place and taking you to the beaches of Jeju, dancing on the shoreline. And he imagined saying his vows to you, dressed up so prettily with his friends and family around the two of you, and seeing his ring sit on your finger forever.
Seungcheol stopped breathing at the sight of your limp hand dangling on the edge of your bed.
Nurses pushed him out of the way in a rush to save you as he stood there, the chaos in the hall filtered out by the loud ringing of the flat line on your heart monitor. The ringing didn’t stop.
I’m late but even now, my eyes and mouth are full of you; A day passes and the regret is too deep- I’m drowning in it
Jihoon had been the one to take Seungcheol out of the hospital. He received a call earlier from the hospital, Jihoon’s number being listed under Seungcheol’s emergency contact papers after your name, telling him to remove Seungcheol from the waiting room.
Jihoon quickly grabbed Seungcheol’s prepped overnight bag and brought him to his apartment complex. The tight-lipped man didn’t want his friend to be by himself, so he welcomed Seungcheol to stay with him until he was stable enough to be on his own.
Seungcheol felt himself drifting. His head and heart felt empty as if he were floating in space, drifting aimlessly forever without anywhere to go.
Nothing felt real to him anymore; he would often think that he was stuck in the void that your passing had created in his head.
There were times where he would close the world out, where everything would turn black. And suddenly, you would appear, your skin returned to its glowing and natural color, your smile would be shining as it always did whenever he saw you, and your hand would take him, so warm and alive, pulling him into the embrace that he craved and begged so much to have one last time.
His eyes filled to the brim with tears for you, soft broken whimpers of your name escaping his mouth during the night that Jihoon would hear through the thin bedroom walls of the guest room while working. Jihoon could only hang his head in shame, praying for his friend to find peace with your passing.
Seungcheol felt like he was drowning, regret building inside of him. His hopes and dreams that he wished to fulfill with you suffocated him.
If I could have given you the proper support…
If I could have given you that last kiss…
If I could have given you that last ‘I love you’…
If I could still have time.
I’ll do whatever to love you again.
~
Where you going, where are you going
Why do I feel my grip loosening
My fist holding onto the edge of your clothes
Why am I losing strength
Our path, our promise to be together
Is already thwarted and you walk away
Turning your back on me
It reduces to a single dot
It’s too empty outside of that interest
I hope that that dot
Comes back before me and turns into you
If I could
If I could
If I could
I’ll do whatever
…
Seungcheol stands in front of your grave years after your death, a fresh aster flower in his hand as he reminisces on the memories the two of you shared in your younger years. These memories that could only bring him sadness in the past made him smile, time allowing his wound of you to heal in his heart. The thoughts of “what could have been” were able to fade with time as well.
Sometimes though, a few tears would escape. Seungcheol let out a sniffle, a dopey smile gracing his features as he apologized to you. He gently placed the flower on your headstone, his fingers tracing the grooves of your carved name on the stone as he did every time he visited you. He let his hand linger just a bit longer on your grave as he longed silently, hoping his prayers get to you. A ring of love adorned his ring finger as the rays of the sun bounced off the metal. Seungcheol’s face now with visible signs of age, smiled once more at your grave, whispering the words he wished he could have said to you before your passing,
genre:angst, friends to lovers, idiots to lovers, mutual pining
word count: 20.8k (ha ha buckle in)
warnings: divorce, implied sexual activities (but no smut), profanity
a/n:it’s here!! first, i want to say thank you all for your interest in this fic; it was truly unexpected, but your support motivated me to finish this after months of sitting on it with no clue as to which direction i wanted this to go. this started roughly three months ago when i started watching thirty nine (which i finished last night btw; go watch it if you’re into sad stuff), and also listening to loote’s song of the same name! smth abt tomorrow tonight + thirty nine angst made me want to write this sadness so…yeah. i truly did not anticipate this being my longest fic to date at 20k words, but here she is :’) thank you to @gyukultand@twogyuu for beta reading this bc i was too tired to re-read it myself LOL @_@ i hope you all enjoy it, and as always, please be sure to leave your feedback via reblogs/replies/asks!! <3 enjoy !!
Your voice filled the empty night air, crude words accompanied by the chilling winter wind. He was facing away from you, his back hunched over as he sat on the carousel in the children’s park outside your apartment. Even under the poorly-lit street lamps, you recognized the back of his head: the way his hair—cut close to his nape—faded into his skin, and how his white, cotton button-down shirt hugged his wide back as he rested his elbows on his knees. He was rubbing his palms together, his breath visible in the night as he tried to warm himself.
Dipshit, you thought to yourself. It was below freezing and he was out here without a jacket.
He turned around to greet you with a smile, though it wasn’t the same cocky grin he usually gave you when you called him unpleasant names. This one was different. It was… sad. Given the way his hair was tousled, you could guess he had probably gone drinking with his coworkers before he came to see you.
a/n:Hi lovelies! I just thought it would be cute to write a drabble where seungcheol is just really really soft and in love with his partner, so that’s all this is. Not much plot, they’re just smitten. (and idk how good this is :/ be kind lol) I hope you all enjoy and thanks for reading! :))
You met Seungcheol in the winter. Your first date consisted of drinking hot coffees and walking around a park after a fresh snowfall. With your glove-covered hands intertwined amid your nervous and infatuated giggles, the date was so perfect, he was so perfect, that it almost felt too good to be true.
Then came the third date, when he took you to a movie. Simple and classic. The second time your fingers brushed each other’s as you reached into the popcorn bucket, you sighed before leaning toward him. As your lips neared his ear, you noticed the way his breath hitched. “If you want to hold my hand, just say so, Cheol,” you whispered to him, and when he turned to face you, you flashed a teasing smile at him. Seungcheol scoffed at you, beaming from ear to ear as he decidedly interlocked his fingers with yours. When you whispered, “finally,” to yourself, a content grin on your face, and Seungcheol giggled in response, you realized you were wrong before. Some things can be perfect without being too good to be true, and Seungcheol was one of those.
After the movie, neither of you wanted to go home quite yet. As you sat in the passenger seat of his car while he drove aimlessly around the city streets, buying time, the windows surrounding you fogged up as the defrost worked overtime to keep the windshield clear. He was intent on stretching out the night for as long as he could, and you were grateful for it. With every streetlight he drove under, he snuck glances at you, not wanting to miss the opportunity to catch glimpses of your features. And every time, you caught him, but he never stopped looking.
In the spring, you and Seungcheol were still smitten with each other. Pulling up to the convenience store, Seungcheol stared at you questioningly for a moment.
“What?” You asked him, a smile threatening to spread across your face.
The man chuckled, shaking his head as he grinned. “You really want an ice cream bar right now?” Nodding at him, as though it was totally normal and reasonable, he sighed fondly. “It’s pouring out, you do see that right?”
“I’m not blind, Cheol,” you defended with a roll of your eyes. “My cravings obviously don’t coordinate with the weather, I can’t help it.” When you flashed him a small pout, the man’s lips spread into a stunning smile that made you feel special to be on the receiving end.
Without another word, just that same smitten beam, Seungcheol unlatched his seatbelt and began crawling out of the car. “Stay put,” he told you, pointing an accusatory finger at you in warning. “Let me get your door.”
Sighing dramatically, you settled into your seat more, waiting for the man to round the vehicle to let you out. “You know what I don’t think is very fair?” You asked, just as the man opened the door.
“What’s that?” He questioned, his hand instantly finding yours as he interlaced your fingers together, helping you to crawl out of the cab.
“You always open doors for me, but who’s opening doors for you?” You posed, widening your eyes as you pressed him.
“That’s what’s not fair?” He chuckled, flashing an amused smile. “Do you want to open the door for me, then?” He nodded to the convenience store.
“I do actually, yes,” you informed him, letting go of his hand to bound over to the store and pull the door open for him. “Sir,” you welcomed him inside with a wave of your hand.
“Wow,” he said in dramatized awe. “Is that what that feels like? I feel so special,” he teased, though you could read the sincerity in his smile.
“You deserve to be taken care of like that too,” you teased. You were certain, however, that with the way you slipped your hand back into his and slightly curled into his side, he knew there was an edge of seriousness in your comment. Leaning towards you, he pressed his lips to your temple, hoping the sweet gesture relayed the gratitude he felt for you.
As you exited the convenience store, the door dinging with your departure, Seungcheol raised his arms up in defense as you glared at him. “Hey, I’m allowed to buy you a treat.”
“I’m the reason we’re even here though I-”
“Exactly. You’re the reason. Let me take care of you, stop rejecting everything chivalrous,” he pouted, his tone almost taking on a whine as he huffed. Staring at his lips, you bit back a smile as you sighed.
“Fine,” you rolled your eyes as your hands began unwrapping the ice cream bar. “But I’m opening your car door.”
Chuckling at you, he shook his head. “Fine,” he relented, knowing when to pick his battles. His fingers toyed with the end of his own iced treat as you neared the vehicle. Marching to the driver side of the vehicle, you opened the door, gesturing for him to step inside.
“Your carriage,” you joked, Seungcheol bursting into adorable giggles that had your heart filling with adoration and… something more.
“Thank you,” he spoke through his wide smile, climbing into the car. “But who’s opening your door?” He asked, just as you took a bite of the ice cream.
“Me,” you mumbled through the cold treat that chilled your mouth. “You know I can actually do that.”
“But you shouldn’t have to,” Seungcheol yelled as you closed the door with yet another roll of your eyes.
As you rounded the front end of the car, making your way to the passenger side, his eyes followed you adoringly. Then, in a burst of last minute planning, he lunged across the console, tugging on the handle to barely shove the door ajar. You couldn’t have held back the beam on your face even if you had wanted to as you giggled at his antics.
When your gazes met through the window, you realized what it was that you felt for him. You found it in the way it gleamed in his own orbs, reciprocating the feeling, your eyes sharing the words before your mouths could.
And suddenly it struck him too, the screams from his heart finally reaching his brain in a triumphant choir of I love you’s. He loved you. It was so clear to him. As you stepped into the car, his feelings for you taking over his entire being, he couldn’t stop his mouth from filling with the words, the sweetness of them coating his tongue and rolling right off into the humid air in the vehicle.
“I love you,” he blurted out, wearing a dopey smile as he chuckled at himself. You froze for just a moment, the confession halting your movements to latch the seatbelt across your frame. Turning to look at him with wide eyes, you noticed the way he was shy but certain, and it had your heart sighing in relief. “I-I’m in love with you.” You stared at him for just a moment longer, your eyes still wide as a smile slowly curved on your lips. When your grin formed into a full-blown beam, Seungcheol felt his heart pound against the inside of his chest, demanding to be heard again. “Like so in love with you,” he told you, as though he was in disbelief with how deeply he felt the words and with how he was just now realizing.
“I love you, too,” you replied simply, taking another chunk off your ice cream bar. The action was so casual, so you, that Seungcheol couldn’t help but chuckle. “So stupidly in love with. Like, you’re my favorite person in the world,” you admitted giddily, covering your mouth as you chewed the treat.
As he laughed, shaking his head, you swore you had never been happier than that moment with him voicing his reciprocation of your feelings. Reaching across the console, his hand found the side of your face as he directed you toward his lips, the man kissing you hard and with need, the meeting relaying the feelings all over again. When your free hand grabbed onto his wrist, holding him there as you deepened the kiss, you realized that along with the elation, you had also never been so nervous.
It was a beautiful mixture of feelings. There you were, standing on this ledge, overlooking an abyss. You could feel yourself slipping, and you were scared, but he was there, falling with you. Suddenly, the person you held most dear was holding you in the same regard, and that meant there was a lot at stake, a lot to lose, so much to miss if he ever went away from you. But you never felt more alive. Having someone to lose was the best feeling you’d ever known. And you hoped he was feeling all of this at once as well. You loved him. And he loved you. It was scary and beautiful and you wanted to feel that way forever.
When you both broke out of the kiss, Seungcheol slowly leaned back into his seat. Letting out a huff of disbelief, a dazed smile planted on his features, he shook his head and simply appreciated the giggles that flowed from your lips. Scrunching your nose at him, you could see the way he suddenly became bashful as he evaded your gaze by turning toward the window.
“You really love me?” Seungcheol asked you but refusing to meet your eyes, a soft smile overtaking your features. Leaning over the console, and reaching over his frame, your hand made contact with his jaw. Turning his face toward yours, your smile widened.
“Obviously,” you whispered, catching his lips in a sweet kiss just after speaking. When you pressed your forehead to his, you could feel his lips curve up into a grin.
“Are you scared?” He then asked, just as your lips pressed a peck to his chin.
“Terrified,” you replied gently. “But happier than I can ever remember being.”
At your confession, Seungcheol’s hand came to rest at the back of your head as he exhaled. “Me too.” His lips pressed to the corner of your mouth, just before you lowered your face toward his neck, burrowing yourself against his skin. “I’m gonna keep being chivalrous.”
Groaning, teasingly, you both giggled in each other’s embrace. “Good,” you mumbled, just before looking up at him. “I’m gonna keep fighting you on it.”
Smiling at you as he chuckled, he nodded once. “Good,” he whispered. Your heart was beating against your chest from all the excitement and giddiness coursing through your veins as you allowed yourself to finally fall, letting the man slip into the unknown with you. As your hand came to meet the side of his face, your thumb aching to gently swipe against his soft skin, he leaned into your touch, his eyelids fluttering shut at the sensation. “Never stop.”
