#scp shitposting
CLEARANCE LEVEL 5 REQUIRED: IMMEDIATE POST-█████ (CLASS-███ EVENT) INTERVIEW OF Dr. [REDACTED] by[DATA EXPUNGED] CONDUCTED █ █████ ON █/██/██ WITH ████ BANANA-██D█ █████09: “DICK MEATSWEATS COLLECTIVE”
Dr. [REDACTED]: (is violently hauled into a cramped, windowless interrogation-cell with a bag over his head, handcuffed; is shoved unceremoniously into a metal chair and then immediately handcuffed an additional seven times)
(low, dull-yellow lighting flickers over a single long, scarred, heavily-reinforced steel table bolted to the cement floor; also, ██ is actively ████ SCP-███ █ of █████ with ██ and ███ ham-beast ████)
[DATA EXPUNGED] █ ████ (hereafter referr to as “Interviewer”) ██ and █ with a hot ██ and ███ twin spatula ████ Megaman ████ (see ██ ███ ███thick dong█)
Interviewer: (gestures dismissively at Dr. [REDACTED], addressing security officer) Please, remove that. It … won’t be necessary.
Security: (raises quizzical eyebrow)
Interviewer: (gestures again, making the international sign for “pull the bag off his head”)
Security: (raises other eyebrow, even more quizzically)
Interviewer: (frowns, narrows eyes)
Security: (makes international sign for “do you mean ‘pull his head off his torso’?”)
Interviewer: THE BAG. TAKE THE FUCKING BAG OFF HIS HEAD.
Security: Oh! Okay, yeah, sure, that makes WAY more sense. (pulls bag off of Dr. [REDACTED]’s head) Sorry about that.
Dr. [REDACTED]: (blinks several times)
Interviewer:Good morning, Dr. [REDACTED].
Dr. [REDACTED]: (blinking) Oh. Fuck.
Interviewer:You know, I get that a lot? So, Dr. [REDACTED], could you — perhaps — please begin by telling me just a little bit about what it is you do here at the Foundation?
Dr. [REDACTED]: Am … am I in trouble?
Interviewer:
Security:
Interviewer & Security: (suddenly laugh out loud)
Interviewer & Security: (continue laughing)
Dr. [REDACTED]:(frowns)
Interviewer & Security: (still laughing)
Interviewer & Security: (laughing hard enough to shed actual tears)
Interviewer & Security: (audible wheezing)
Dr. [REDACTED]: (pretty clearly offended)
Interviewer & Security: (slowly composing themselves)
Dr. [REDACTED]: uhh … the fuck?
Interviewer: (wiping away tears) Oh, sweet hopping pogo-Jesus. That was goddamn hilarious. Yeah, no oh my god no, you’re not in trouble.
Security:Yeah, I would have just shot you.
Interviewer:Yeah.Definitely.
Dr. [REDACTED]: (nods at random dead guy seated in the chair next to him) Ah. So is that what happened to this guy?
Other Researcher: (also seated next to Dr. [REDACTED], also handcuffed, still with a bag over his head) Yeah, I was wondering the same thing.
Interviewer: (narrows eyes) No, that was due to a … “miscommunication”.
Security: YOU GAVE ME THE NOD.
Interviewer: WHAT NOD!?
Security:THE NOD! THE NOD THAT MEANS TO SHOOT THE GUY IN THE HEAD! THE FUCKING … THE NOD!
Interviewer:WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT? WHAT “NOD”!?
Security:(shootsOther Researcher in the head)
All:
Interviewer:THE FUCK WAS THAT!?
Security: YOU JUST GAVE ME THE NOD! AGAIN! THE SAME FUCKING NOD!
Interviewer: jesus goddamn christ put your fucking firearm away
Security:
Security: okay, but it’s not my fault you keep giving me the murder-nod
Interviewer: I’M SORRY WHAT WAS THAT?
Security: Ah! Sorry, sorry, nothing, [DATA EXPUNGED]. My apologies.
Interviewer:That’s what I goddamn thought.
Dr. [REDACTED]: uhh
Interviewer:Ah. Yes. So.
Dr. [REDACTED]: … so?
Interviewer:
Dr. [REDACTED]:
Interviewer: I am so sorry, this is really embarrassing. I have COMPLETELY lost my train of thought. Where were we?
Security:Oh! You were just asking Dr. [REDACTED] here if he could tell you a little bit about what he does at the Foundation.
Interviewer:SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP MURDERING STAFF-MEMBERS, ASSHOLE. I’M NOT FUCKING TALKING TO YOU.
Security:
Security:don’t have to be a dick about it
Interviewer: I’M SORRY, AGAIN, WHAT WAS THAT? YOU’RE TOTES PSYCHED ABOUT GETTING YOUR CHAPPED ASS BUSTED DOWN TO D-CLASS PERSONNEL?
Security: No, [DATA EXPUNGED]. No, I am not totes psyched about that.
Interviewer:Yeah. Keep it up, just see what happens.
Dr. [REDACTED]: um
Interviewer:Oh! Shit, yeah. So, Dr. [REDACTED], could you begin by telling me a little bit about what you do here at the Foundation?
Dr. [REDACTED]: Ah, yes! Well, I’m an [EXPUNGED], an unlicensed [ALSO EXPUNGED] and [REDACTED] practitioner, as well as an [EXPUNGED], a [SUPER-EXPUNGED], two [JESUS FUCK, SO EXPUNGED], a psychopharmacologist with a background in [DOULE EXPUNGED], anomalous and/or cognitohazardous pornography and [EXTRA HYPER-TIGER-DRAGON EDITION EXPUNGED]. Crikey, my name is ’Stralian Dan! Dingos, boomerangs, koalas, wallabies! FOSTERS! VEGEMITE! PAUL HOGAN! YAHOO SERIOUS FILM FESTIVAL! (said with German accent) {O5–1 APPROVED thumbs up}
Interviewer:
Interviewer: … and we hired you WHY?
Dr. [Redacted]: Well, for a lot—
(knock at the door)
Interviewer:OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. HELLO? WHAT THE SHIT DO YOU WANT?
(door cracks open just a smidge)
Interdepartmental Liaison: (pokes head in) Hey, everybody! Just popping in real quicksies to ask if everyone has their raffle tickets for th—
Security:(shootsInterdepartmental Liaison in the head)
Interviewer:
Interviewer: are you goddam kidding m—
Security:UH ARE YOU GODDAMN KIDDING *ME*!? If you don’t want me to shoot people in the head, STOP GIVING ME THE ‘SHOOT THIS GUY IN THE HEAD’ NOD.
Interviewer: for the love of hot greasy fuck THERE IS NO ‘SHOOT THIS GUY IN THE HEAD’ NOD and if there was I WOULDN’T BE FUCKING GIVING TO YOU.
Security: okay well that’s not what I was told
Interviewer: GIVE ME YOUR FIREARM YOU MURDER-HAPPY NUTBAG FUCKSTICK
Security:pfft
Interviewer:(literallyaudiblescowling)
Security:okay well fine but I just want to be clear, for the record or whatever, that I feel like I barely murder ANYBODY around here
Interviewer:THE GUN, ASS-MUNCH.
Security: (hands over firearm, rolling eyes)
(knock at the door)
(someGuy From Accounting pops head in door)
Guy From Accounting: Hey, so real quick? We’re supposed to have this room—
Security:(shootsGuy From Accounting in the head)
Interviewer:HOW IN THE HOLY HOPPING JESUS FUCK
Security:Backup gun.
Interviewer: “BACKUP GUN”?
Security: Yeah, I’ve got like two dozen guns on me. Why? Did you think I handed you my only gun?
Interviewer:YES.
Security: okay, well that seems like YOUR goof-up
Interviewer: PUT ALL OF YOUR GUNS ON THE FLOOR
Security:
Dr. [REDACTED]:
Security:okay well this is gonna take a while
Dr. [REDACTED]: (slowly raises hand)
Interviewer:WHAT
Dr. [REDACTED]: um, I’d like to talk a little about what i do here at the Foundation? if that’s okay?
Interviewer: Oh sweet Jesus H. Tit-Cream. Yeah, sure, fuck it. Tell me all about it.
Dr. [REDACTED]: Well, I was recently assigned to a task force working on the SCP-3003problem—
Security:Oooh, that sounds INTERESTING!
Interviewer:Oh, hey, cool! Are you done putting all of your guns on the floor?
Security:
Security:yep
Interviewer: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KEEP PUTTING YOUR GUNS ON THE FLOOR
Security:What about stun-guns? Do those count?
Interviewer:WHY WOULD THEY NOT COUNT?
Security: Uh, ‘cuz they’re not really “firearms” per se? And you ONLY said firearms.
Interviewer: I DID NO SUCH FUCKING THING
Security:Well, okay, whatever.
Interviewer: i swear to fuck I will ██████ your ass to SPC-█ and ████ as of █/██/██ to ██████ for the foreseeable ██ in a ██████ to █ ████.
Dr. [REDACTED]: (visibly aroused)
Security:woah okay, wow? uhh, if you REALLY want, I can “divest myself” of all my stun guns, dart guns, shotguns, laser—
Interviewer: wait did you say SHOTGUNS?
Security: Yeah, of course.
Interviewer:Are you under the impression that, when I say “put all your guns on the floor,” I might NOT mean to put down however many FUCKING SHOTGUNS you happen to be carrying at the moment?
All:
Security: Well, you might not. Which is why I asked.
Interviewer:(glare)
Security:Oh well EXCUUUSE ME for seeking some goddamn clarity! Shotguns have a TOTALLY different certification process here on base, so I wasn’tsure if they were included in your new weird, dumb little “no guns” rule.
Interviewer:
Security: TOTALLY. DIFFERENT. CERTIFICATION. PROCESS. See, like, pretty much anyone on Foundation staff is allowed to carry a shotgun. Even D-class, which is totes cray-cray for shay-shay.
Interviewer: That CANNOT be correct.
Dr. [REDACTED]: Nope, that’s accurate. The rule goes all the way back to ██████ on █/██/██.
Interviewer: (closes eyes, massages forehead) oh well that fucking explains it
Dr. [REDACTED]: It does indeed!
Security:Honestly? I’m just shocked that more of the researchers don’t have a shotgun tucked under their arm at all times. Like, there are some parts of the building you’re not “supposed to go into” with a shotgun or whatever, but you can totally carry one to the bathroom or into the commissary or out to your car if you want to.
Dr. [REDACTED]: That is correct. There IS the 20-minute rule, though.
Security:Right! Like, after direct exposure to a cognitohazard you have to put your shotgun down for 20 minutes.
Interviewer:
Dr. [REDACTED]:“For 20 minutes”. WINK LOL.
Security:But, and this is VERY important, it is quite specifically AGAINST Foundation policy to use a shotgun to terminate a member of personnel. We’re supposed to use a sidearm, and getting certified to carry one of THESE bad boys requires is a full afternoon-long training course. It costs $20 to take it, too. And THEN you have to pass a written test, AND you have to re-certify every 72 months.
Interviewer:
Security:Ha! Can you even IMAGINE how much trouble I would be in if I used a SHOTGUN to terminate a member of personnel? Pfft. Jesus, we’re talking easily forty-five, fifty minutes of paperwork.
All:
All:(laugh)
Interviewer: okay but seriously ALL OF YOUR FIREARMS. ALL OF YOUR GUNS. ANYTHING WITH A TRIGGER AND / OR A FIRING MECHANISM, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO HARPOON GUNS AND CROSSBOWS ON THE FLOOR NOW
Security:Okay, but I’m gonna be honest with you? I’m gonna feel PRETTY disarmed.
Interviewer: THAT IS ENTIRELY THE GODDAMN POINT. NOW DROP EVERY SINGLE GUN, OF EVERY SINGLE TYPE, THAT YOU ARE CARRYING.
Dr. [REDACTED]:
Dr. [REDACTED]: SoANYWAY, as I was SAYING, I’m putting together this whole proposal where we strap SCP-035toSCP-096, arm him with SCP-3664, run the bitch through SCP-914 on “Very Fine,” broadcast an image of his ass on state-run media to all thirty billion inhabitants of SCP-3003, then … well, at that point we sit back, relax, and let nature take its course.
Interviewer:
Dr. [REDACTED]: Maybe have a margarita.
Interviewer:wow holy fuck
Dr. [REDACTED]: Assuming that the resulting anomalous entity can kill 100 people per second, every second, indefinitely, we should achieve 100% planetary depopulation of SCP-3003 within 9.5129 calendar years: a result, even accounting for a 200% margin of error, well-within our 30-year estimated time-window for SCP-2317 to bust-loose & dick-whip THIS shitty planet into a smear of dog turds and punched lasagna.
Security:okay that’s badass
Dr. [REDACTED]: THANK YOU. Can you believe that the previous best proposal was aerosolizing 5.5 quadrillion tons of powdered SCP-960&SCP-963, mass produced via SCP-038, and venting it into the upper atmosphere?
Security: PFFT. LAME.
Dr. [REDACTED]: Yeah. Like, at that point, why not just convert the whole planet to Catholicism and hope SCP-2852 just casually wanders in?
Security: (jerking-off motions)
Interviewer: Actually, that’s just a smoke-screen. The REAL plan is to ██ under a ███ ████ with SCP-█████ ████ a pigs-in-a-blanket █████ █ utilizing SCPs-1981,1004,2030, and 1459 to █████ fucking ███ Marshall Tucker band █ ███ ██ ██ Keter bukkake █ and █ ██████.
Security: (vomits all over the floor)
Dr. [REDACTED]: (attempts, unsuccessfully, to hide erection)
Interviewer:The only real problem is just getting the idiots on SCP-2222 to point their dicks in the right direction. But, I mean,look. It’s a really nice planet. With, like, NO FUCKING KETERS ON IT. It’s the ultimate dorm-room fantasy!
Dr. [REDACTED]: I believe it was the Buddha who said “I dream of a world that has never known war, nor hunger, nor deception, neither need nor fear nor want nor heartbreak, because god DAMN we would totally kick that world’s ASS.”
Interviewer: It’s a planet of 30 billion idiot bug-lickers, and it’s sad that they all have to die–
Dr. [REDACTED]: Is it?
Interviewer: The Ethics Committee requires that I say “yes”.
All:(nod)
Interviewer: (reading prepared statement) Ah-hem. But, sad as it might be, that’s only 30 billion people, and who gives a shit, ‘cuz fuck it we’ve killed more people than that since last Tuesda— OH SHIT FUCK.
All:
Interviewer: (folding paper & putting it away) Yeah, no, fuck, I shouldn’t have read that to you. Fuck me Buttery Jesus. Okay, so … goddamn it. Everybody just be sure to take a fuck-ton of Class A amnestics when we’re done here.
Dr. [REDACTED]: oh yeah you got it boss thumbs up
Interviewer: (narrows eyes)
Janitor:(pushes open door, pulling a mop bucket and whistling the theme from ‘Casino Royale‘ by Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass)
Security:WOOP WOOP NINJA STARS MOTHER FUCKER YEET (throws a fistful of ninja stars into the Janitor’s face, neck, and torso)
Janitor:
Security: Those were poisoned.
Janitor:(extends middle finger, very slowly collapses to the ground dead)
Interviewer:
Security:okay before you say ANYTHING, those are standardFoundation-issue poisoned ninja stars that ANYONE INCLUDING D-CLASS PERSONNEL is allowed to carry AT ANY TIME and they most DEFINITELY do NOT have a trigger OR a firing mechanism so just handle your shit
Interviewer: (lunges at security officer) FFFUUUU—
Dr. [REDACTED]: Anyway, long story short? I’m gonna need a few thousand D-class. I wanna see if that whole “100 corpses per second” thing is feasible. Which I think it will be. Ugh … hello?
Interviewer:(still punching security officer)
Random videos I have saved
Scp- 2845
Pretend I finished this on time-
Tw:bloody version
I think they’re being sus shutupaboutamongusshutupaboutamongusshutupabo
Has this been done before for these two? Also ignore my new pfp
I need someone more talented than me to make a 035 game that’s like a reverse horror game much like that one game called like, carrion or something I think, and like you just go around getting hosts and followers and stuff and replace hosts when yours dies,
But every time 035 or the host dies the vine boom sound effect plays as they ragdoll to the floor or melt/rot away
Okay so tw for loud noises and whatever but like I couldn’t help myself and made an animation of this idea, but summed up in 3 vines,
also ignore the weird smudge frame in the thumbnail of the video I’m keeping it in because it’s funny and not at all because I forgot how to change thumbnail pictures and stuff-
I need someone more talented than me to make a 035 game that’s like a reverse horror game much like that one game called like, carrion or something I think, and like you just go around getting hosts and followers and stuff and replace hosts when yours dies,
But every time 035 or the host dies the vine boom sound effect plays as they ragdoll to the floor or melt/rot away
Alright guys listen up
What if Site 19 is actually Area 51? And Dr. Bright started the raid just to fuck with everyone.
I always imagined it being in the middle of nowhere in the desert or something, because it would be pretty difficult to hide some big ass facility.
So altogether it would (kinda) make sense
(I’m sorry; I don’t make the rules here)
*blubbering incoherently,hiding behind El in a flustered manner*
Oh my thank you very much my friends I am quite flattered by your compliments yes yes yes indeed I am I must admit this startles me
*the Mod is equally flustered and hiding behind Jay*
“Whelp,these two are incapable of any response at the moment,so looks like it’s my move: thanks you guys.Didn’t expect our blog to be this adored by people,when we don’t always go online due to our Mod’s perfectionist mentality of wanting to answer everybody’s asks through drawings lmao.But yeah,we honestly appreciate these things.You’re all so fucking precious and important and we love you.Okay?Okay.”
*At this point everybody is kinda emotional because wtf how did this happen???*
Doc please save me I cannot stop listening to this addicting song please Doc it’s taking over my life why why must it be so relatable it hurts Doc it hurts
Spare me oh sweet Lord above I did not deserve this no no no I did not
*cries in birb*
