#somatic delusion

Obey Me Mammon Angst Skits: Angstober 2021 Edition

Day 2 (Late): Delusions

Warnings!

• Delusions are usually linked or associated with Mental Disorders, or other sensitive topics that can often/usually get intentionally/unintentionally misrepresented in media. 
• I am warning everyone reading that I am not too familiar with the concept of experiencing, or prolonged research behind the causes of, behind, or surrounding stuff that surrounds ‘delusions’. 
• I did a little research before I actually started writing.I am not saying that it makes my information correct. However, I am saying that I did try to look into it, because I know stuf flike this can be a sensitive topic sometimes. 
• The specific kind of ‘delusion’ or ‘category’ of the delusion spectrum I am going to be writing with is the ‘Somatic Delusions’.
• From what I gathered on the internet, ‘Somatic Delusions’ are usually ones that have to do with perception on appearance, or a means of personal perceptions of things to do with one-self in one way or another. 
• ‘’A somatic delusion is a false belief that a person’s internal or external bodily functions are abnormal. This belief may also extend to viewing one’s physical appearance as very irregular.’’ - This bolded statement is one I copied and pasted from the internet as a reference. and the following bullet below will be a copied reference of ‘examples’ of said delusion type. 
  
• ‘’Common somatic delusions are that the person is infested by insects or parasites, that he or she is emitting a foul odor, that parts of the body are not functioning, or that certain parts of the body are misshapen and ugly even in the absence of objective evidence.’’
  
• -
• Lastly, of course, there will be mentions of depression, and what can be considered emotional abuse from Mammon’s siblings. If you do not want to read this, and understand, feel free to continue. If not- please don’t. 
• I don’t want to upset anyone, and if I accidentally represent this ‘delusion’ in a way that is extremely harmful to the community that may suffer from some of these things- don’t hesitate to let me know. 
• I will apologize in advance. 
• -
• Thank you for understanding and have a safe read. 

Mammon stood in the bathroom, looking at his reflection. 

It was him…

Himself. 

He had been getting more and more anxious as years went on. He knew he was. However, he wouldn’t ask for help, as he would likely be denied what he needed anyhow. 

The white haired man brought his hands up to his hair, and his eyes. He hated them. 

He brought his trembling fingers through his slightly knotted hair, unable to find peace, even in sleep. His own looks haunted him sometimes. He just looked so… wrong. Why couldn’t he look more… like his broters?  Why did he have to look so different? 

He then started to feel his own skin- shivering… one of the biggest things that made him look different. His tan. He didn’t look like he resembled them at all.. 

He once read on the internet, that sometimes, those that people are close to- will often gravitate toward those that they are more familiar with. They look for comfort in familiarity. They look for kindness in common-ground. Mammon was quite different in comparison to his siblings for many reasons. 

They all had their differences, but… somehow… he was still the ugly duckling. 

That was because his stupid body was just… wrong. 

It had been wrong from the start… and yet… he had only started to realize it in recent years. His white hair… all of his brothers had either dark hair.. or some kind of color within it… the only one who had a bit of white was Belphegor… 

His eyes… he always got comments about how these stupid eyes of his looked angelic… how they looked unnatrual, for a demon to possess. They didn’t look the way they should. They were insufficient. 

Mocking him every single time he looked at himself.

He hated it. 

He wanted nothing more than to close his eyes, and look away, most days…

Then, his skin. 

The biggest organ in connection to the body. One of the other many things he just cannot hide. 

Mammon grit his teeth in frustration. The anger had been building up for a long, long time. He couldn’t take it. The frustrated demon of Greed balled up his fists, and he shook his head. He felt so gross. He felt so unnatural, looking at his reflection. 

That wasn’t really HIM. It didn’t deserve to be. It didn’t need to be. 

The demon of greed soon punched the mirror in the bathroom, yelling out in frustration as his negative emotions lead to his outburst. The man continued to shout obscenities at himself, punching the ground, far past the point where his knuckles bled. 

His brothers wouldn’t hear him… it would be a while before they got home. 

Mammon had been sent home because of a freakout at RAD, and his items were confiscated by Lucifer on his way out the door Though, it wasn’t the black haired man he was frustrated with right now. It was himself. 

He did everything wrong, and it wasn’t hard to realize that. 

Maybe if he could just change himself. Make himself feel better about everything that his genes denied him, he could finally start to improve himself as an indevidual. Maybe changing himself, would finally be a solution to his internal aching, and constant contemplations. 

Finally finding an idea, Mammon scrambled to his feet, before going to run around the house. 

He was going to steal. He was good for nothing for it… maybe… just maybe… this would be the last time…?

He found deep red hair dye, a set of gray contacts, and some special foundation, that would make his tan at least lighter… hopefully..

An hour of preperations, and changing later- and Mammon looked in the mirror in the hallway- since he had broken the mirror in his own bathroom.

He stared at himself. 

Him. 

The new him…

Deep brown hair, and dark gray eyes. Lighter skin, and a beauty mark or two… 

Mammon smiled at himself, before feeling a tightness in his chest. 

Did he finally do it?! Did he finally fix his problems? All of the mistakes that his genetics had made him? Was he finally going to be better? Or maybe feel better about himself?

“I… I…” he started to say to himself, before bringing his hands to his face.The smile was genuine… only for a couple seconds. 

No. 

This new look. 

This new style…

It was him..

No matter what he did… it was still him. 

It wasn’t natural. 

It didn’t fit. 

Because.. no matter what he did…. he couldn’t shed his own skin. His own abdnormailies and flaws. He couldn’t cover up what his genetics had given him forever.. his own natural appearance was going to always haunt him… it was showing through the disguise he put in. 

The stupid white hair… and those ugly gold and blue eyes…

His dumbass tan, and stupid fucking messy mop…

No matter what he did, he would be flawed. 

He was always going to be an eyesore. 

In frustration, Mammon pulled at his hair again, before also punching the hallway mirror, and in the end… it all had been worth nothing. 

The avatar of greed covered his face, and started to cry, his emotions building up in his chest. He would never be able to make himself tolerable… if not perfect. 

He was always going to be himself…

and….

that was the problem. 

He was Mammon. 

He WAS the abdnormailty…

All of his flaws her HIS. 

HE stared back at HIMSELF. 

because that… is the one thing… that he can’t change with some die, makeup, and a pair of contacts….

He would forever be a flaw. 

He would forever be burdened. 

He would burden others. 

Eventually- he gave up. He just leans against the rail of the stairs, covering his eyes, and refusing to look to the shards of glass on the floor nearby, because the only thing he would see staring back at him, was the very thing he didn’t want to see. 

He rested, and let his tormented thoughts trample him.