#spoken words

When I lost you

I pushed aside a part of myself

that no longer felt safe.

I created a new girl,

one who didn’t overstay her welcome

This girl knew distance,

and how to only show just enough

and never too much.

A girl who built herself into a corner,

because being backed into one

can’t be so uncomfortable

if you’ve made it your home.

Sobs traveled through empty halls,

and I listened from my bed.

Unable to make out lost words

I Inched down the staircase,

until I could see the keeper of the cries.

In the distance, she collapsed.

Cradling her head in her hands

knees locked firmly beneath her,

she reached for him,

screaming

“please don’t leave me”.

Gradual agony seeped through the skin like venom, so inhumane and aggressive, making physical pain look so diminutive. I wanted to shake the pain away, but it took root- negating and incomprehensible, refusing to depart from sweet memories. Grief’s spindly hands took hold of my mind and hurdled me into an abyss every time his presence awoke me at night. You deserve this. My mind screamed. No one is here because of you. My conscience screeched, but he couldn’t hear my thoughts anymore. I was screaming to an empty shell, pleading with a hallow body.

He was haunting me-it was easy to conclude. My mind tried to grasp his death; analyze it, break it apart in small pieces and formulate a proper answer that would make sense as to why he was gone. But alas, I couldn’t even explain the simple question, the one inquiry that branched off into countless possibilities:

Why?