#sui cw
“i was at the dinner table the first time someone told me, “God does not exist.” I haven’t had a dream since then. sometimes, i imagine dying like it’s a good magic trick—sometimes, i imagine dying and it feels like driving home often, i want to pry open the mouth of a lion cut out her tongue, and wait for her to fight back with just teeth what i mean to say, is i’m nothing to scream about. nothing to shine a light on or give a pair of hands to. what i mean to say, is i’m just another way out of the ocean. what i mean to say, is i drove home from my own baptism fully believing i had just narrowly escaped drowning.”— “girl is asked about herself for the first time” by spencer wollan
I want to talk about how easy it is to lose records pertaining to transmasculine people. And why that is a huge problem if we don’t look after our records.
I run this blog, partly because I’m a suvivor of suicidality myself but also partly because I can’t bear for our brothers to be forgotten.
In the last seven years, almost 50 trans men and transmascs have been lost to suicide. This blog records their deaths based on tdor data and adds commentary, context and care to their stories. This does not change the fact that this is 50 transmascs that we know of- the actual number is likely to be a lot higher.
There are only 12 countries currently represented for the suicides of transmascs. It suggests that there are places in the world where transmasc deaths aren’t recorded- and are probably mislabelled as ‘women’s’ deaths. Bearing in mind that even in the countries we do have, that misgendering after death happens. The countries we do have are:
Argentina , Australia , Brazil , Bulgaria , Chile , France , Jordan , Portugal , Spain , Sweden , UK and the USA .
Most of these countries are European or American. 7 of which are Western nations. Even the countries that are quite dangerous for trans people, such as Brazil, have an element of trans visibility that aids in the recording of trans deaths. Argentina, which is close by, is well known to be quite trans-friendly policy wise. Which means there’s a sizeable contingent of people who do care about trans deaths and wish to record them. Jordan on the other hand, is a bit of an outlier. The one record we have is of a Jordanian national who died in France, which probably aided in the recording of his death. Similarly for Bulgaria, the one record we have is of a Bulgarian national who died in the UK. Anti LGBTQ+ sentiment is high in Bulgaria and wider Eastern Europe, as well as in Jordan and the wider Levant. Which is to say, we know transmascs lived and exist in these places- but a combination of factors leads their deaths in their home countries to go unnoticed/ become misgendered.
This means that if there’s approximately 200 countries in the world, where are the other 188 in the records of transmascs? Tdor actually has records for pretty much every country in other demographics, such as murder or medical malpractice. But for transmascs, our suicide records are so sparse and so scattered. What I want to know is- what is the reason for this?
Is it simply misgendering after death, that transmasc invisibility is much more pronounced in places like Tunisia, or Benin, or Bangladesh? Or are there other factors. In the face of knowing just how much data there is for other trans demographics, why is it the transmasc records that have been the most neglected?
That, is something I want to find out.
Transmasc Memorial Entry 33:
[sui cw]
Nicolas, 25/26, d. 7th February 2021
Nicolas took his own life in Le Havre, France. He was of Jordanian origin and was a language assistant in Lycée Claude Monet Highschool, where he had been living in the student accommodation. Nicolas was not a student, but he worked with the school. 150 people organised a trans rights rally following his death and marched through the town to the harbour. Mental health services remarked that Nicolas had been facing difficulties in accessing transition, which made his mental health problems worse.
Nicholas’s story is one that really is striking to me when I read it. It’s a topic for a separate post, but records of deaths of trans people from the Middle East are incredibly scant. It’s a testament to his community that they got together in such big numbers to show their support to him in a march.
May he rest now.
Transmasc Memorial Entry 32:
[sui cw]
Alexx Noah, d. 18th December 2020
Alexx took his own life in Russas, Brasil. Not much else is known about his death.
Alexx’s memory will be carried on by the living. May he rest peacefully.
Transmasc Memorial Entry 31:
[sui cw]
Benjamin Bonin, d. 11th November 2020
Benjamin took his own life in Minas Gerais, Brasil. Not much else is known about his death.
Benjamin’s memory will be carried on by the living. May he rest peacefully.
Transmasc Memorial Entry 30:
[sui cw]
Yuri Arthur, d. 17th October 2020
Yuri took his own life in Belo Horizonte, Brasil after purchasing poison intended for rodents. A person close to Yuri mentioned that his death may have been caused by unsupportive and transphobic family members.
Yuri’s story always makes me feel at once sad and bittersweet about his friend’s role in it. His friend seems to me a most kind and caring individual- if you ever find yourself thinking you’re alone, know that there is someone in your life who cares. They may even be an unexpected person.
May Yuri rest peacefully.
There has been another transmasc who has lost their life to suicide in this year already. He died in the same city where Brandon Teena was later buried- he cited the ‘transgender debate’ happening in Nebraska as why he was suffering so much.
If you’re feeling like this - stay with us- don’t become another name on this memorial. I want to cherish you all while you are alive, not mourn you too soon.
Transmasc Memorial Entry 29:
[sui cw]
Ellis Murphy-Richards, 15, d. 30th September 2020
Ellis took his own life in Kent, UK after visiting a mental health counsellor. He was apparently struck by a train after falling from a railway bridge. He was gifted in music and played the violin, guitar and nose flute. He also had an interest in quizzes and British Sign Language.
Ellis’s death is another stark one for me in the UK. He is not alone in having suffered greatly as a result of UK trans healthcare failing him. Ellis is the seventh report since 2015 of a transmasculine suicide in the UK caused by neglect and worry caused by the UK’s Gender Identity services. Like the previous reports of Max Chesham (entry #17) Name Unknown (entry #13), Jayden Lowe (entry #12) as well as Leo Etherington (entry #3), Jacob Whelan (entry #7) and Marty Dragonova (entry #9), Ellis had accessed a transgender support service on the NHS and had been greatly let down by the system. He was a budding musician and was gifted at quizzes. His interest in BSL also shows him to be interested in the needs of d/Deaf and otherwise disabled people.
