#super soul sunday
After a long spiritual journey of seeking for enlightenment, on January 17th 2017, it happened. I let go so completely that I saw the truth, or rather, the I that was searching disappeared. (At some point I will write the full story of my awakening.) What I have realized since, is that seeing emptiness isn’t the most important part. It’s the part that comes after, that is the real spiritual journey. It’s often referred to as “the return”. After you realize who you truly are, truth seems to move to the background (this is quite confusing and frustrating at first). This is when all of your limiting beliefs, wounds and ego triggers come to the surface to be healed.
This is the part where I am at now. It has been about 5 months since my self realization. And there does not seem to be much information about the post awakening journey. Therefore I figured it might be nice to share my experiences, as I would have loved to have more guidance along my own journey.
The first belief that keeps getting triggered by different life events, is my belief that I am not worthy. I am not worthy unless I have a man. It seems like I am experiencing ground hog day on the relationship front. I continue to attract unavailable men, that have no interest in pursuing a relationship. And yet, I find myself hopelessly attracted to these men.
Recently I met another man and it all seemed to go smoothly, we were spending a lot of time together and I felt like we both felt the special connection. I had actual feelings for someone again after a looong time. Then one night he simply said, oh no I’m not interested in a relationship for now, I want my freedom. It honestly broke my heart.. So many flashbacks of my ex came up. The interesting thing about this guy, let’s call him Alex, is that he shares some very specific similarities with the man that broke my heart 5 years ago. They share a lot of the same characteristics and even the same exact name..! From the moment I saw him, I felt extremely pulled towards him, initially not understanding why.
As time went on, I realized, he is here to trigger a belief in me. The belief that I’m unworthy. And I continued to make the same mistakes as with my ex, staying around even though he was clearly showing me he doesn’t really care about me. I just couldn’t seemed to pull away from his energy. This went on for a bit, until I decided to cut things off with him (much faster than with my ex!). About a week later we ran into each other and spent the night together again. At this point I felt so hopeless and devastated, how could I realize and see the truth and yet continue to make the same mistakes I used to make?! I cried out to the universe, asking for guidance and help. Then as if by divine force, I landed on a talk by Gabrielle Bernstein about spiritual surrender. And I knew immediately, this person is here to help me surrender even more, surrender my personal will to gods plan.
Yet I still wasn’t sure what to do, how do I stop wanting a partner to share love with? Or how do I attract one? What is my lesson here really? Again not even sure how it happened, I stumbled upon a ted talk called “Searching for love to escape ourselves”. And again the guidance was very clear, I need to stop dating and be with myself. Really be there for myself and all of these emotions that are being released.
About 6 months before my awakening, my heart chakra had started opening and a lot of things had been released. But I have not cried so presently and intensely as I have the past few weeks. Emotions seem to be much more intense after awakening. Anyway, after seeing the ted talk, my heart seemed to calm down. The universe seemed to have spoken, it is time for me to go on a complete dating stop, and to face all of my inner demons. To be by myself, without validation and to offer my emotions a loving space and presence. I know this is the right decision.
I will keep you guys updated and also start posting more about my journey up until now. For now my dating stop will be 2 months, let’s see where the universe takes me.
