The following is the introduction to the means of experiencing this single nature of mind through the application of three considerations:

First, recognize that past thoughts are traceless, clear, and empty,
Second, recognize that future thoughts are unproduced and fresh,
And third, recognize that the present moment abides naturally and unconstructed.

When this ordinary, momentary consciousness is examined nakedly and directly by oneself,
Upon examination, it is a radiant awareness,
Which is free from the presence of an observer,
Manifestly stark and clear,
Completely empty and uncreated in all respects,
Lucid, without duality of radiance and emptiness,
Not permanent, for it is lacking inherent existence in all respects,
Not a mere nothingness, for it is radiant and clear,
Not a single entity, for it is clearly perceptible as a multiplicity,
Yet not existing inherently as a multiplicity, for it is indivisible and of a single savor.
This intrinsic awareness, which is not extraneously derived,
Is itself the genuine introduction to the abiding nature of all things.

Partrois

Paratrois: a leptivity standing outside subtrois/obstrois or infratrois/supratrois dichotomies

Well it turns out that nothing is permanent, at least for now. After swimming in the emptiness of existence for about a week, I felt pulled back into contraction. At first fear showed up, even though emptiness was heavy and lonely, I didn’t want to be pulled back into suffering. My ego was still trying to claim the experience. Then I realized that I probably still have issues to resolve and wounds to heal. Back in January when I had my first true glimpse of the truth, I proceeded to fall back into ego perspective and inevitably suffered. But in hindsight I realize that I was purging old emotions and unhealed wounds. This was not a mistake, this was exactly how it was supposed to go. And so this time I didn’t struggle as much when I noticed that once again I had left the state of transcendence.

As it turns out, I have “coincidentally” been in contact with an old flame for the past two months.  And once again I cannot deny the obviousness and the beautiful genius of existence bringing me exactly what I need. At first I wasn’t sure how this reunion was going to unfold, but as the days have progressed we have again run into the same old familiar issues. I realize now that this is a perfectly timed opportunity, to close this chapter once and for all. However, saying goodbye is bringing up some sad emotions and I can feel myself resisting these feelings. There is the old ego voice, afraid of getting sucked into identification if I give into the pain. It’s like nowadays I simultaneously experience the perspective of the absolute and the relative. The old ego thoughts and patterns still come up and I can see them very clearly, which makes it almost impossible to lie to myself. But it also means that sometimes I feel confused, or I should say the ego feels confused by what it should think and do. And yet at the same time I mostly experience very clear guidance.

I know that this is what’s meant to happen and that we have been brought back together for proper closure. I also know that there is still a part of me which keeps running from emptiness. I have noticed for example that I have become quite the workaholic lately. I have a lot of energy and I just can’t seem to sit still. I want to constantly be moving or doing. It’s okay though, I know I will exhaust myself at some point again.

So as to where I am at the moment, it’s hard to say. Somewhere between ego land and emptiness. Sometimes there is a feeling of completeness and a whole lot of love flowing inside me. Other times I actually physically feel contracted and I am suffering. I believe these are the ego identifications being brought up and old wounds being healed to be able to completely let go into consciousness, god or myself.

For the past few months there have been many moments where I wanted to write, but I just couldn’t find the words to describe my experience. Up until a certain point I had control and I knew where I was going; towards enlightenment. I was seeking like crazy and nothing else in the whole world seemed to matter. Then during last January (2017) I realized that all of my seeking and running towards, was actually a running away from the truth. For a brief moment I let go of all my beliefs and expectations and the truth presented itself.

For a while I was living in bliss, experiencing life as the witness. There was a distance between “me” and experience, which gave me a huge relief and brought me peace. I could zoom out and realize it was all illusion. Slowly however, I started to feel myself leaving this space. It would scare me so much, because leaving to me meant going back to suffering. And so I tried to hold on. Sometimes the mind would get very loud and I would feel disconnected and hopeless. I struggled with holding on, until I got swept up by life again. I fell in love and let go of trying to hold onto truth.

Truth never truly left me and my life and my perspective never fully returned to the way it was. Yet my awakening was of the unabiding nature as Adyashanti puts it so well, meaning that it wasn’t permanent at the time.

Falling in love inevitably led to my heart breaking and I found myself suffering again. It was very confusing, because I couldn’t understand how I could be making the same stupid mistakes as before my awakening. The suffering got so bad and I found myself in a very dark place, also referred to as the dark night of the soul. I started to doubt everything, had I every truly experienced an awakening? What was the point of truth if it would lead me to even greater suffering? Thankfully the universe sent me guidance and it restored my faith. Faith helped me to open up and fully experience my pain and suffering. (I’m being very brief here because I want to talk about something else and still give you guys a short update.)

After the dark night of the soul passed, I found myself with a lot of kundalini energy. I would workout intensely in order to try and process this energy. It started to feel like I was running from something. I couldn’t sit still, I was constantly doing, meeting friends, working, studying, eating, shopping. I couldn’t stop. And at the same time I could feel that I was running. This kept going until I got tired, I became so exhausted with running that I started to slow down. Eventually I found myself crying out: I am exhausted, I don’t want to run anymore. Whatever is supposed to happen, please let it happen. If I need to die, kill me.

The next day I was walking around some shops and suddenly I felt myself sink into an emptiness, I had experienced this before and it had always scared me. Now finally I could let myself experience it and I found myself in an unknown place, an emptiness had washed over me and there was no me left. It’s so difficult to describe this experience, since it is so abstract to the mind. There were multiple things happening at the same time. I realized I was nothing, and so were all the other egos. I found myself mourning my own death. I had invested so much in this person I thought I was and I still loved the illusion of her. After a while I found myself also mourning the death of everyone around me, I realized that my parents never really existed and that my gurus didn’t either. I would feel grief and I would have intense moments of crying (I am still mourning actually). Sometimes I could feel the despair of my mind trying to recreate itself as a person, but there was simply no energy left to believe in the illusion again.

The experience of emptiness is a very lonely experience. When you realize that you don’t truly exist as an ego and therefore nobody else exists, you find yourself all alone in the universe. You can’t really talk to anyone about this, because most people would think you are insane and because you realize that there is no one else to talk to, since no one actually exists. Sometimes the mind would try to take me back to illusion and I knew it would be a relief to escape the heavy loneliness of emptiness. And yet I found myself continuing to rest in this place.

A few nights ago I was at a concert with a big crowd of people, again I found myself sinking deep into emptiness and I let myself drown.Then something new happened, for the first time this heavy emptiness expanded and suddenly I felt myself as everyone. I felt the true oneness of life. I realized that yes we are all nothing, but at the same time I am walking around in myself.I am the whole universe and the nothingness, for the first time I experienced this strange and magnificent paradox. I was walking around thinking about hugging people and at the same time I knew nothing mattered. Everyone is me and so I am complete. There is no where to go and no one to tell this to, since everyone is me. There is nothing outside of me that I need or that could bring me happiness. It’s all me.

I never imagined that this would be enlightenment, for a long time I was seeking to be special, to be unique. And spirituality would bring me there. But spirituality took away my self and simultaneously my need to be special.

I am still processing everything and I am still mourning my own death and the death of everyone else. It’s a sad place having to conceptually say goodbye to all of my loved ones and my cherished gurus, but I understand that there is no way around it.

PS. I do not write with non dual language, I refer to myself as me and I, because it’s just easier. After all we also live in the relative world and I think you all understand what I’m saying, which is what matters.

About a month ago I decided to stop dating, because I realized that I kept repeating the same dating pattern. Even though I felt ready to share my life, I kept meeting emotionally unavailable men that were not interested in a real commitment.

So, here we are about 4 weeks later and some interesting things have been happening. About a week into my non-dating challenge, I noticed that I was thinking about several of my exes. I caught myself looking at their social media and even hoping to hear from them. These are exes that I no longer have any feelings for whatsoever. And so when I noticed this I was quite surprised, why the hell am I interested in this person again?

I realized I am interested in them, because I can’t have them. Since they had also become off limits, they were suddenly interesting to me. And then it hit me, I have always been obsessed with either a goal, an object or a person. All my life I have been chasing something, with the hope that it will bring me happiness. As long as there is something I can chase, I can keep fooling myself that happiness is something to strive for. And THIS is the reason why I can’t let go of Alex. This is why I can’t let the hope go, that he is going to come back and profess his love for me. I keep hoping, because I honestly believe that I need to keep chasing something.

Suddenly I became aware of how false this belief is. I looked back at my life and at all the things I had obsessed about, that I eventually got. The time when I was 13 and obsessed with buying a Haley Duff album, my first boyfriend that I was obsessively in love with for months before getting together, all the pairs of shoes I had obsessed about before buying, my obsession with being skinnier and the time I lost about 15 kg.. and the list continues.. I looked back at these experiences and I understood something: the fantasy happiness that my obsessions promised, had always remained a fantasy. The Duff album had made me happy for a week, my first relationship had become “normal” very quick, all my shoes had become just another pair in my closet and my “new and improved body” was no longer something special. In each and every case, the experience I had obsessively chased quickly became yet another normal experience. Everything had always lost its initial joy and I had always returned to my habit of chasing something new.

No person and no object has ever brought me true and lasting happiness. And so I saw very clearly, that my obsession with Alex is just another fantasy. I think he will make me happy, because I am addicted to the chase. It’s based on the false belief that happiness is something I need to chase, something in the future and never here and now.

Seeing this belief clearly, instantly helped me to release my obsession and all of the hope I was holding onto. However, seeing through this core belief also sent me into a short depression. For about a week I felt a certain contraction in my stomach and I had no energy to do anything. I just wanted to lay in bed and be by myself. If there is nothing worth chasing, what am I supposed to do in life?

I am so used to chasing, that when this mechanism fell away, I felt like there was nothing to live for. I wasn’t depressed in a suicidal kind of way, it felt more like an energetic resting. It was like I needed to process my new understanding and almost like I was mourning my old ways of living. Since the self-realization in January, I feel very guided. Often, I will go through a specific experience and at the same time I will know why it’s happening. This time I also knew, I need to give myself some space and the next step will become clear with time.

After a week of processing I started to feel better and my life energy was returning. Then I saw Alex again on several occasions, because we have some mutual friends. The first few times I felt fine. Sometimes I noticed I was still thinking about whether he was looking at me, but it wasn’t too obsessive. Then after seeing him a few times, I noticed he started to like my social media stuff again and this rekindled some of my hope. After that, we met again during another mutual friend meeting, where I didn’t expect him to be. And to my surprise I noticed I was very aware of his presence again and whether he was paying attention to me. This made me so frustrated, why does this keep continuing even though I clearly see the belief?! And then this knowing that has been guiding me whispered: perhaps the belief has not yet lost all of its power. It’s being triggered again so you can really let it go. And it’s true. I must admit that I have started to pursue things again, because somehow the here and now doesn’t feel enough. This can’t be it, happiness must be somewhere out there.

It’s so ridiculous to admit this, because intellectually I realize that it’s not true. But as with all of my beliefs and life lessons, I have learned that the first step is always to become conscious of it. Then, only after seeing the dysfunctional mechanism for a while, the real change will show up in life. I realize that for now I am seeing this belief and that it might take me some time to completely let it go. As frustrating as that is, I need to accept the way things are. What other choice do I have really? Reality is already the way it is and fighting it only creates unnecessary suffering.

No longer chasing things for happiness, means we get to do things for the pure joy of doing them. It’s not about any desired outcome. It’s like how an artist sings a song just for the pure joy of singing, he isn’t singing to get to the end of the song. I feel something in me is still fighting to let go of this belief because it wants to keep chasing. It’s the ego that keeps fighting, because it can only survive by struggling and chasing. If there is no struggle and no problem that needs to be fixed, what remains? What remains is this moment, right here and now.

For now I see this mechanism, and I know that it doesn’t have a lot of time left if I can see it so clearly. After awakening the ego and its beliefs still have momentum, but this will slowly come to a stop. On the one hand I can’t wait for the struggle to end and on the other hand “I” am terrified of completely stopping here and now. I know that letting go of the constant chase, means that the ego will really die. There will be nothing left for it to hold onto.Regardless of how I feel about it though, the process of the ego eroding away has started and I know there is no way back.

I hope you are doing well, wherever you are on your journey.

So recently I committed to a no-dating-June&July- challenge. It has been about 2 weeks and I must say, so far so good. It’s like removing the option for a certain desire, calms the desire down altogether. Since it is not an option for now, I feel relaxed and focused on myself. I have been processing the break up more and I feel better with each day.

Now, I have been observing something recently, mostly in myself, but also in the people around me. It seems like we’re always looking for approval of our decisions. Constantly asking each other for a second opinion, even though deep down we already know what we should do. It’s just that we haven’t developed enough trust in ourselves. Sometimes these pieces of advice even  confuse us more than anything else.. They actually cloud our own intuitive judgment.

And so, I have decided to play: Alone in the world for 1 month.

The rules are very simple.

I am not allowed to ask anyone’s advice or opinion on anything. This could be outfit advice, what I should eat or whether I should move to Yemen (who knows what can happen in a month). No matter how trivial or huge the decision is that comes up during the whole month of June, I won’t ask anyone for help. It’s like I am alone in the world and there is no one to fall back on, just me and my intuition. I am curious to see what happens. Perhaps it’ll result in a clearer intuition, perhaps I’ll go crazy, who knows.

I invite you to go wild and join me!

Throughout this break up I have found myself resisting my emotions at times. Sometimes I would notice I was eating a lot, other times I would feel the urge to shop or to go out with friends. Sometimes these urges would seem so normal, I didn’t even think that I was suppressing anything. But there was always an undercurrent of restlessness in these moments.

This universe is an energy based place, which means that resistance only creates persistence. And so I started observing these moments to understand why I resist my painful emotions. What I found was that the biggest reason I resist my grief is because I believe:

1. If I allow myself to grieve, it means that my ex has power over me.

Let me explain.

About a week ago I was sitting on my bed and I was supposed to be studying, but I felt restless and distracted. I wanted to study but I just couldn’t get myself to focus. After a while of struggling I decided to take a break, I put on some music and suddenly a wave of sadness came over me. Surprised by my own unexpectedness I burst out crying. However, almost immediately I noticed a thought coming up repeatedly:

Fuck him, he is not worth this. He doesn’t deserve my tears. He is not worth my pain, I’m not going to cry over this.

I was so struck by this thought. This is why I keep resisting these emotions! I believe that by allowing myself to cry and be sad about the break up, I am giving him power over me! I was so shocked by this belief, that apparently had been subconsious all this time.

Somehow we believe that grieving and pain is about the other person. But this is definitely not the case. Grief is about YOU. Let me give you a weird example.

Imagine that you are riding your bike and a car hits you. You fall down and you see that both your knees are bleeding heavily. You are not gonna get up and pretend that you’re not in pain, in order to show how strong you are.

Fuck you driver, I’m gonna show you I’m stronger than this, watch me walk away unharmed.

This might seem like a strange example, but psychological pain is comparable to physical pain. Your heart also needs time to recover and heal.

Allowing your heart time to heal means: allowing your emotions to come up to be released. Just like with a real wound, it needs time to bleed so that all the dirt can come out.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” -Buddha

In times when our heart is breaking, we need all the love we can get, from ourselves. You have to be there for yourself, spend some time alone so you can heal. This is what it means to love yourself. It’s like you are the parent to your own heart. If your child were to fall down and hurt herself, you would pick her up, give her your attention, let her cry and hug her lovingly. This is exactly what your heart needs from you. It needs your love and attention. by suppressing your pain, you are turning your back on your wounded child.

No wonder we feel so unloved, the person that needs to love us the most, leaves when we are wounded and bleeding. You don’t need another person to come and love you. The person you are desperately waiting for is your SELF. 

Another part of why we resist our pain, is SHAME.

2. If I allow myself to grieve, it means that I have failed.

I noticed that I was feeling ashamed of being hurt, as if I had made a mistake. I felt like I had let my guard down, I had failed by caring about another person. Which honestly sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud. Relationships, like any other area of life, can require trial and error. We meet people and we have certain experiences in order to grow. And by growing, we also learn what we want in life. 

“The truth is that it hurts because it’s real. It hurts because it mattered.” - John Green

Caring about another person is not failure. Being able to open your heart to let another person in, takes courage. Even if this turns out not to be the person for you, it shows you’re capable of loving, of giving to another. This is something beautiful. You should be proud of yourself for wanting to share love. If it doesn’t work out, it just means you two weren’t meant to be together at this point in time. This takes nothing away from your beautiful capacity to care. Heartbreak means you were willing to risk your heart. I know of nothing more courageous than that.

3. Wash your mouth please

Words have an immense power over us. By choosing the wrong words, we assign an incorrect meaning to the situation. This can cause further pain that is unnecessary.For example I caught myself thinking of this break up as a failure. I was telling my sister, oh yeah it’s okay I failed, but I have learned from this relationship. She looked at me and said, don’t say it like that! It’s not a failure, it’s an experience. By changing one word, I immediately felt better.

There really is no such thing as failing at anything in life. We can try and learn. But everything is just experience. There is no specific way in which everything has to be. There is a difference between what we consider to be (earthly) success and what the universe considers to be success. Success to the universe is not, never being in pain. We might consider avoiding as much pain as possible as victory, but it really isn’t. Pain in life is inevitable. It helps our heart to become softer. It makes us more compassionate, wise and kind. So be careful of what words you are using to describe your experience.

It is so important to be present with our pain. By healing ourselves and filling our own hearts with love, we develop the capacity to help heal the rest of the world as well.Just don’t forget not to wallow in your pain. Don’t hold onto it. Be present with it, and when you start to feel better, let go of the darkness. Be very honest with yourself whether you are still in pain or whether it is you who needs to let go of the pain.

I wish you strength and love on your journey.

Soafter another ground hog day relationship I decided I was done with dating for at least 2 months. This decision seemed to calm me down quite a bit. I sometimes do find myself doubting this challenge. Some of my girlfriends also tried to convince me not to try it, because I should just go with the flow of life. But I remind myself, that I am following my intuition and that has always worked out well for me. Sometimes we are not able to see the full picture and so we need to have faith in something bigger than our ego.

However I would continue to think about how I had handled the whole situation and I would get upset about it. I should have had more control over my emotions. I should have acted differently.I should have said the right things. Then everything would have worked out between us. Until I realized something that set me free.

No matter how hard I wished that I was emotionally stronger and better at handling dating. I am not. Right now this is where I am, and this is how far I am emotionally. Then it hit me: We can’t skip any steps.

I was upset because

1.I was judging myself for my thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

2.I felt like pain meant something had gone wrong

3.I felt like I could have prevented the situation by being better

But in every situation we are doing our best. I realized that throughout the whole experience I had tried my best to be strong. I had tried so hard to make everything go well. And yet it had not worked out between us. I had shown my weak side at some point. And I realized, this is exactly what is supposed to be happening. We can’t prevent ourselves from making mistakes, because we are not supposed to.

We all want to be mentally strong and to always make the perfect decisions. But we all make mistakes, because that’s how we learn. By doing it wrong, we learn to act differently. The pain is there to transform and teach us.

I realized that even though I had made mistakes, this time I had stepped out of this non-commitment situation within 2 months. Whereas before it had taken me 3 years to break up with my ex andanother 3 years to move on.

So we can’t skip making mistakes, all we can do:

1. Is to be aware of our patterns

2. Strive to grow and make better decisions with every new situation

3.Be compassionate with ourselves, because we are trying our best

Like with all things in life, everything has a certain learning curve. If we want to be a chef we need to start by learning how to cook rice. Everything has steps and we cannot skip the process of learning. All we can do is try our hardest and be willing to learn. I realized I am learning and growing, and I cannot be upset at myself for falling down. I need to get back up and love myself even more, especially when I am hurting. And this pain does not mean that something has gone wrong. No, this pain is meant for me and it is exactly what I am supposed to experience right now. This is my journey, and even though I might not always understand it, everything is for me and for the wellbeing of all.

“Even when I’m embarrassed by my actions, I deserve more love, not less.  We all deserve more love, not less.”- Matt Kahn

After a long spiritual journey of seeking for enlightenment, on January 17th 2017, it happened. I let go so completely that I saw the truth, or rather, the I that was searching disappeared. (At some point I will write the full story of my awakening.) What I have realized since, is that seeing emptiness isn’t the most important part. It’s the part that comes after, that is the real spiritual journey. It’s often referred to as “the return”. After you realize who you truly are, truth seems to move to the background (this is quite confusing and frustrating at first). This is when all of your limiting beliefs, wounds and ego triggers come to the surface to be healed.

This is the part where I am at now. It has been about 5 months since my self realization. And there does not seem to be much information about the post awakening journey. Therefore I figured it might be nice to share my experiences, as I would have loved to have more guidance along my own journey.

The first belief that keeps getting triggered by different life events, is my belief that I am not worthy. I am not worthy unless I have a man. It seems like I am experiencing ground hog day on the relationship front. I continue to attract unavailable men, that have no interest in pursuing a relationship. And yet, I find myself hopelessly attracted to these men.

Recently I met another man and it all seemed to go smoothly, we were spending a lot of time together and I felt like we both felt the special connection. I had actual feelings for someone again after a looong time. Then one night he simply said, oh no I’m not interested in a relationship for now, I want my freedom. It honestly broke my heart.. So many flashbacks of my ex came up. The interesting thing about this guy, let’s call him Alex, is that he shares some very specific similarities with the man that broke my heart 5 years ago. They share a lot of the same characteristics and even the same exact name..! From the moment I saw him, I felt extremely pulled towards him, initially not understanding why.

As time went on, I realized, he is here to trigger a belief in me. The belief that I’m unworthy. And I continued to make the same mistakes as with my ex, staying around even though he was clearly showing me he doesn’t really care about me. I just couldn’t seemed to pull away from his energy. This went on for a bit, until I decided to cut things off with him (much faster than with my ex!). About a week later we ran into each other and spent the night together again. At this point I felt so hopeless and devastated, how could I realize and see the truth and yet continue to make the same mistakes I used to make?! I cried out to the universe, asking for guidance and help. Then as if by divine force, I landed on a talk by Gabrielle Bernstein about spiritual surrender. And I knew immediately, this person is here to help me surrender even more, surrender my personal will to gods plan.

Yet I still wasn’t sure what to do, how do I stop wanting a partner to share love with? Or how do I attract one? What is my lesson here really? Again not even sure how it happened, I stumbled upon a ted talk called “Searching for love to escape ourselves”. And again the guidance was very clear, I need to stop dating and be with myself. Really be there for myself and all of these emotions that are being released.

About 6 months before my awakening, my heart chakra had started opening and a lot of things had been released. But I have not cried so presently and intensely as I have the past few weeks. Emotions seem to be much more intense after awakening. Anyway, after seeing the ted talk, my heart seemed to calm down. The universe seemed to have spoken, it is time for me to go on a complete dating stop, and to face all of my inner demons. To be by myself, without validation and to offer my emotions a loving space and presence. I know this is the right decision.

I will keep you guys updated and also start posting more about my journey up until now. For now my dating stop will be 2 months, let’s see where the universe takes me.