#matt kahn
Well it turns out that nothing is permanent, at least for now. After swimming in the emptiness of existence for about a week, I felt pulled back into contraction. At first fear showed up, even though emptiness was heavy and lonely, I didn’t want to be pulled back into suffering. My ego was still trying to claim the experience. Then I realized that I probably still have issues to resolve and wounds to heal. Back in January when I had my first true glimpse of the truth, I proceeded to fall back into ego perspective and inevitably suffered. But in hindsight I realize that I was purging old emotions and unhealed wounds. This was not a mistake, this was exactly how it was supposed to go. And so this time I didn’t struggle as much when I noticed that once again I had left the state of transcendence.
As it turns out, I have “coincidentally” been in contact with an old flame for the past two months. And once again I cannot deny the obviousness and the beautiful genius of existence bringing me exactly what I need. At first I wasn’t sure how this reunion was going to unfold, but as the days have progressed we have again run into the same old familiar issues. I realize now that this is a perfectly timed opportunity, to close this chapter once and for all. However, saying goodbye is bringing up some sad emotions and I can feel myself resisting these feelings. There is the old ego voice, afraid of getting sucked into identification if I give into the pain. It’s like nowadays I simultaneously experience the perspective of the absolute and the relative. The old ego thoughts and patterns still come up and I can see them very clearly, which makes it almost impossible to lie to myself. But it also means that sometimes I feel confused, or I should say the ego feels confused by what it should think and do. And yet at the same time I mostly experience very clear guidance.
I know that this is what’s meant to happen and that we have been brought back together for proper closure. I also know that there is still a part of me which keeps running from emptiness. I have noticed for example that I have become quite the workaholic lately. I have a lot of energy and I just can’t seem to sit still. I want to constantly be moving or doing. It’s okay though, I know I will exhaust myself at some point again.
So as to where I am at the moment, it’s hard to say. Somewhere between ego land and emptiness. Sometimes there is a feeling of completeness and a whole lot of love flowing inside me. Other times I actually physically feel contracted and I am suffering. I believe these are the ego identifications being brought up and old wounds being healed to be able to completely let go into consciousness, god or myself.
Soafter another ground hog day relationship I decided I was done with dating for at least 2 months. This decision seemed to calm me down quite a bit. I sometimes do find myself doubting this challenge. Some of my girlfriends also tried to convince me not to try it, because I should just go with the flow of life. But I remind myself, that I am following my intuition and that has always worked out well for me. Sometimes we are not able to see the full picture and so we need to have faith in something bigger than our ego.
However I would continue to think about how I had handled the whole situation and I would get upset about it. I should have had more control over my emotions. I should have acted differently.I should have said the right things. Then everything would have worked out between us. Until I realized something that set me free.
No matter how hard I wished that I was emotionally stronger and better at handling dating. I am not. Right now this is where I am, and this is how far I am emotionally. Then it hit me: We can’t skip any steps.
I was upset because
1.I was judging myself for my thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
2.I felt like pain meant something had gone wrong
3.I felt like I could have prevented the situation by being better
But in every situation we are doing our best. I realized that throughout the whole experience I had tried my best to be strong. I had tried so hard to make everything go well. And yet it had not worked out between us. I had shown my weak side at some point. And I realized, this is exactly what is supposed to be happening. We can’t prevent ourselves from making mistakes, because we are not supposed to.
We all want to be mentally strong and to always make the perfect decisions. But we all make mistakes, because that’s how we learn. By doing it wrong, we learn to act differently. The pain is there to transform and teach us.
I realized that even though I had made mistakes, this time I had stepped out of this non-commitment situation within 2 months. Whereas before it had taken me 3 years to break up with my ex andanother 3 years to move on.
So we can’t skip making mistakes, all we can do:
1. Is to be aware of our patterns
2. Strive to grow and make better decisions with every new situation
3.Be compassionate with ourselves, because we are trying our best
Like with all things in life, everything has a certain learning curve. If we want to be a chef we need to start by learning how to cook rice. Everything has steps and we cannot skip the process of learning. All we can do is try our hardest and be willing to learn. I realized I am learning and growing, and I cannot be upset at myself for falling down. I need to get back up and love myself even more, especially when I am hurting. And this pain does not mean that something has gone wrong. No, this pain is meant for me and it is exactly what I am supposed to experience right now. This is my journey, and even though I might not always understand it, everything is for me and for the wellbeing of all.
“Even when I’m embarrassed by my actions, I deserve more love, not less. We all deserve more love, not less.”- Matt Kahn
After a long spiritual journey of seeking for enlightenment, on January 17th 2017, it happened. I let go so completely that I saw the truth, or rather, the I that was searching disappeared. (At some point I will write the full story of my awakening.) What I have realized since, is that seeing emptiness isn’t the most important part. It’s the part that comes after, that is the real spiritual journey. It’s often referred to as “the return”. After you realize who you truly are, truth seems to move to the background (this is quite confusing and frustrating at first). This is when all of your limiting beliefs, wounds and ego triggers come to the surface to be healed.
This is the part where I am at now. It has been about 5 months since my self realization. And there does not seem to be much information about the post awakening journey. Therefore I figured it might be nice to share my experiences, as I would have loved to have more guidance along my own journey.
The first belief that keeps getting triggered by different life events, is my belief that I am not worthy. I am not worthy unless I have a man. It seems like I am experiencing ground hog day on the relationship front. I continue to attract unavailable men, that have no interest in pursuing a relationship. And yet, I find myself hopelessly attracted to these men.
Recently I met another man and it all seemed to go smoothly, we were spending a lot of time together and I felt like we both felt the special connection. I had actual feelings for someone again after a looong time. Then one night he simply said, oh no I’m not interested in a relationship for now, I want my freedom. It honestly broke my heart.. So many flashbacks of my ex came up. The interesting thing about this guy, let’s call him Alex, is that he shares some very specific similarities with the man that broke my heart 5 years ago. They share a lot of the same characteristics and even the same exact name..! From the moment I saw him, I felt extremely pulled towards him, initially not understanding why.
As time went on, I realized, he is here to trigger a belief in me. The belief that I’m unworthy. And I continued to make the same mistakes as with my ex, staying around even though he was clearly showing me he doesn’t really care about me. I just couldn’t seemed to pull away from his energy. This went on for a bit, until I decided to cut things off with him (much faster than with my ex!). About a week later we ran into each other and spent the night together again. At this point I felt so hopeless and devastated, how could I realize and see the truth and yet continue to make the same mistakes I used to make?! I cried out to the universe, asking for guidance and help. Then as if by divine force, I landed on a talk by Gabrielle Bernstein about spiritual surrender. And I knew immediately, this person is here to help me surrender even more, surrender my personal will to gods plan.
Yet I still wasn’t sure what to do, how do I stop wanting a partner to share love with? Or how do I attract one? What is my lesson here really? Again not even sure how it happened, I stumbled upon a ted talk called “Searching for love to escape ourselves”. And again the guidance was very clear, I need to stop dating and be with myself. Really be there for myself and all of these emotions that are being released.
About 6 months before my awakening, my heart chakra had started opening and a lot of things had been released. But I have not cried so presently and intensely as I have the past few weeks. Emotions seem to be much more intense after awakening. Anyway, after seeing the ted talk, my heart seemed to calm down. The universe seemed to have spoken, it is time for me to go on a complete dating stop, and to face all of my inner demons. To be by myself, without validation and to offer my emotions a loving space and presence. I know this is the right decision.
I will keep you guys updated and also start posting more about my journey up until now. For now my dating stop will be 2 months, let’s see where the universe takes me.
