#talk of suicidal thoughts in previous chapters
Loki/OFC Rated M (may go up to E in future chapters) Trigger Warnings: Angst, talk of suicide, therapy, unhealthy family dynamics, mention of torture and mind control
Loki’s plans to conquer and rule Midgard have come to a disastrous end. After being captured by the Avengers, he is being held on Earth. Odin has refused to interfere, and the outlook for the God of Mischief appear bleak. His only hope may lie in one mortal woman, a Psychiatric expert brought in to interrogate him.
Dr. Caroline Thorpe is intrigued by Loki and thinks that more lies beneath his actions than is commonly known. Can she find out the truth before he is shipped off to die for crimes against the Earth? And can Loki bring himself to care?
@yespolkadotkitty@just-the-hiddles@hopelessromanticspoonie@wine-and-whines@arch-venus25@caffiend-queen@devilish–doll@enchantedbyhiddles@hiddlesholic@i-do-not-fangirl-i-fanwoman@kellatron55@ladyoftheteaandblood@latent-thoughts@yespolkadotkitty@maryxglz@myoxisbroken@nuggsmum@nildespirandum@pedeka@redfoxwritesstuff@sinfully-lustful-darling@vodka-and-some-sass@wrathkitty@kingtwhiddleston@wolfsmom1@poetic-fiasco@shiningloki@dangertoozmanykids101@bookworm-christina@amwolowicz@delightfulheartdream@frostbitten-written@what-a-flammable-heart@tom-hlover@nonsensicalobsessions@myraiswack@loki-yoursaviourishere@ghostypau@ms-cellanies@colorfulfreakstudentpizza@mareebird@colorfulfreakstudentpizza @szycha22@chokemedaddyloki@queenofallhobos@just-the-hiddles-reads @alwida10
The cell felt empty once more after she left. Loki tried not to let it bother him. After all, he would not be occupying it for long. He wondered if she would bother to return. He couldn’t really blame her if she did not. At his best Loki knew he was an acquired taste, and he had hardly been his most charming self with Dr. Caroline Thorpe.
It was too formal a name for the lady in question, Loki decided. Dr. Thorpe sounded stiff and proper, not like the idiosyncratic woman who had been questioning him. Such a name belonged to someone who frowned more, who lectured him on the error of his ways. Caroline had smiled at him, the first honest, uncompelled smile he had seen in over a year directed his way. She was not what he had been expecting, not that he had been expecting anything.
A movement out of the corner of his eye had Loki spinning around towards the door to his cell. An odd feeling of hope crept up in his chest. She was back, and he did not have to face the impending dark alone.
He was wrong in that. It was not the doctor standing outside his cell, but the Midgardian bureaucrat who was so keen on seeing Loki hang. A snarl on his lips, Loki sank back onto the uncomfortable bench, making himself as uncooperative looking as possible.
“Mr. Laufeyson,” the man said with an insincere smile. “Would you kindly accompany me; I have some questions for you.”
“No,” Loki said succinctly after pretending to consider the matter for a moment. Even if he had been inclined to do so before, branding Loki with the name of the father who had abandoned him killed any flicker of desire to be accommodating.
“Well then let me rephrase that,” one of the guards grunted. “Get your alien ass off the bench and come with us.”
“I’m afraid I can’t,” he sighed in regret. “I am in the middle of a therapy session, and I believe I am about to have a breakthrough.”
“I don’t see the doctor here,” the chief official made a show of looking around, as though Caroline would be hiding under the table. “Scared her off already, did you? I told her it was useless to try and get through to you.”
“On the contrary, she just went to get us sustenance. The good doctor promised to stay with me as long as I needed, all night if it pleased me.”
He didn’t know if she would be coming back or not, but he was not about to admit as much to this loathsome human. As far as Midgardians went, Caroline was the most tolerable of those he had met, and this nuisance of a man among the least. She had at least spoken to him as a person, he realized. He had appreciated that, and enjoyed the sparring back and forth they had engaged in.
“Some people just don’t know a lost cause when they see one,” the guard sneered.
“Is that what I am? A lost cause?” he stood up, using his height once more to try and intimidate. The other man was not small, but Loki was a God.
“Well, that depends on you,” the man in charge had not lost his false smile. “As I said, I have some questions for you. About some of the alien tech we recovered.”
“Well then, might I suggest you resurrect one of the Chitari and try to get answers out of them? Although I would ask nicely if I were you. They tend to view your sort as… well, food.”
In truth, Loki despised the Chitari and all they represented, but if anyone deserved to be devoured by one it was these men.
“It’s not a Chitari weapon we have questions about. Now, are you coming, or do I have to have my men drag you there?”
“Just say the word, Secretary Pierce,” the lunking guard at his side offered.
“At ease, Rumlow, I am sure our visitor can play nice.”
Not a Chitari device? Loki did his best to keep his face impassive as his mind raced. Did these fools have the tesseract here? Could he be so lucky? The metal circling his wrists might stop his own powers, but not even Asgardian shackles could stop an infinity stone. All Loki need do was grab the cube and he was free! He could go anywhere, hide in the deepest reaches of the universe where no one could find him.
“As amusing as it would be to see your witless ape try,” Loki drawled, looking over at the guard disdainfully, “I suppose it would be good to stretch my legs a bit.”
“Great. A few precautions – I’m sure you won’t mind.”
Pierce nodded to his escort and the men produced additional chains. As Loki struggled to keep his anger in check, a collar was roughly fastened around his neck by Rumlow, the larger of two guards. A second, less aggressive man hooked a chain to the cuffs binding his wrists. He endured the indignity with a snarl, hope making him less obstinate than he might otherwise have been.
When they had him bound to their satisfaction, Rumlow grabbed his chain with an unnecessary yank and they all proceeded out of the cell. It did feel good to move, and Loki strutted with all the insouciant swagger he could muster, eyes taking in every detail as he walked. Fleetingly, he spared a thought for his lovely doctor, surprised that he regretted not seeing her again. Still, freedom beckoned and he would not deny it.
“So, having difficulty, are you?“ he asked cockily as they led him down a windowless hallway. "It should come as no surprise. Such lower creatures as yourselves could never dream of comprehending, much less harnessing the infinite power it contains.”
He had to tread carefully, he reminded himself. He was almost there, almost to the prize that would render him free.
They stopped at a door just like all of the other, cold, metallic, and featureless. Pierce stepped forward and a small device Loki had not seen scanned his eye. As the door opened, Loki could just make out the steady blue gleam coming from within.
It was not the tesseract.
The center dropped out of Loki’s stomach, and he needed all of his will power not to slump against the wall. There, in some sort of technical cradle on a table in the center of the room, was his scepter. The stone in the head of the weapon shone a beckoning blue, but Loki knew better than trust it’s peaceful glow.
“We know you used this to subdue your enemies,” Pierce said, giving Loki a hard stare. “Don’t think you’re getting your hands on it now.”
Six burly guards stood around it, guns drawn, presumably to keep him away. They needn’t have bothered. Loki had never been more relieved than when the thing had been taken out of his possession. A gift, the Other had told him. A precious gift to lead armies in glorious battle. He had neglected to tell him the rest.
“So, how do we use it?” Pierce demanded.
As he looked at the scepter with loathing, Loki fought the urge to lunge for it. He was surely faster than the men guarding it, and what would they do, shoot him? Others had tried, and it had done them no good. Asgardians, even counterfeit ones born Frost Giants, were made of tougher stuff than that. He could reclaim the scepter, and in a matter of moments all of them would be dead or under his control. He would enjoy coming up with ways to kill them. In his mind he could hear them howling in pain.
And then, when the soldiers and spies surrounding him were writhing in agony, he could go and find his pretty little doctor. She had promised to stay with him until the end. Well, with the scepter making her will his own, she would have no choice but to honor her word. He could enthrall her, make her will his own. That bright smile she had flashed at him, full of lies and deceit, would be made real with one touch of the tip to her heart. Oh, the things he could do to her, with her, then.
No! Loki shook his head to clear it of the seductive malice. Caroline’s smiles had not been false. She had looked on him with genuine compassion, had tried to understand him. How could he think of turning that compassion into something twisted and false? It was the mind stone, warped by the venom of Thanos and his minions, planting these thoughts in his head.
“You don’t,” he said succinctly.
“Unacceptable.”
“The scepter holds an infinity stone,” he tried to explain as one would to a child, which was all these men were for all their hubris. “It is one of the foundational powers of the universe. In order to wield it, you need a highly disciplined mind, trained to bend it to your will. Even then, it would take you over slowly and inexorably.”
“You used it,” Rumlow scoffed.
“I am a God,” he reminded them. “I have lived and studied for over a thousand years. You are a flea compared to me. For you to even attempt to use this would destroy you. Send it to Asgard and let Odin keep it safe in his vault. Anything else is death.”
More so than he was even admitting. Loki knew who would be coming for the stone. These pathetic humans would be no match for the destruction that followed. They thought his invasion with the Chitari had been bad? Thanos would not stop at subjugation. He was not called the Mad Titan for nothing. Loki had heard more of his plans than he could ever wish. When the purple grape was done with them they would beg for Loki’s version of mercy.
And he would be coming. There was no stopping Thanos’ obsession with the infinity stones. He had only let Loki leave his domain with the Mind Stone in order to secure the second stone locked within the Tesseract, and even then, he had set certain precautions in order. The psychic link that tied Loki to his deadly minion The Other through the stone was doing all it could to reassert control over him.
You wielded power before, the thought in his brain was not his, not originally. You could do so again! Take the scepter! Strike down your enemies. You know you want to. You were born to rule. The scepter can help you do it!
“Alright, let me put it to you this way,” Pierce said, smile gone from his face. “Tell me how to access its power, or I will make sure your final days are nothing but pain.”
You could cause pain. They are set on making you suffer. Why wait when you can make them suffer first. The power is here for the taking. Grab it! Fulfill your purpose!
“For the love of Valhalla, what are you doing letting my brother in the same room with that thing?”
Seldom in his life had Loki been so happy to hear his brother’s voice break into his thoughts. His face was covered in a cold sweat, and his hands shook. Just a few moments more, and he would have done it. The scepter would be in his hands - chains or no, these mortals could not hold him if he truly desired to break free - and everyone else would be dead.
“I’m sorry, Odinson, but this is none of your concern,” Pierce told him coldly.
“Not my concern? Loki is my brother and a citizen of Asgard! I clearly heard you threatening him while he is in your custody. On top of that, you put the whole compound in jeopardy by letting him near the scepter.”
“It seems you have conflicting narratives there,” Pierce replied as Loki caught his breath. “Is your brother a helpless little kitten who needs protection, or a deadly threat who needs to be kept under strict guard?”
“How dare you?” Loki hissed, offense crackling.
“While Loki is hardly an innocent kitten, he is still your prisoner,” Thor remonstrated, “and as such entitled to basic humane treatment.”
“And more to the point,” another voice chimed in as Dr. Thorpe stepped out from behind Thor and glared at Pierce, “he is my patient. I don’t appreciate you hauling him off in the middle of an examination.”
“Don’t forget, Dr., you work for me,” Pierce growled.
“No, I don’t,” Caroline fought back. “I was hired by Director Fury to conduct this debriefing on behalf of Shield. His orders came directly from the President. Now, until I receive word from the White House or the Director, I am going to continue treating my patient in the hopes that we may get to the bottom of why our planet was invaded.”
“That’s easy,” Rumlow sneered, pointing at Loki. “It was invaded because that man has a God complex.”
“I am a God, you sniveling worm!”
“Enough!” Thor boomed, lightning flashing about his fingers. “Dr. Thorpe has stated her case. She has been ordered to treat Loki and will continue to do so until that order is belayed by the one who gave it. If any of you need help understanding this, I will gladly explain it to you again, with the assistance of my hammer.”
“Fine, take him back to his cell,” Pierce said at last, after a long moment of tension. “But we are not done with this, Laufyson. I’ll be speaking to you again.”
“Oh, I look forward to it,” Loki assured him.
“Come on Loki, I am brining you and Dr. Thorpe back to your cell.”
With a last smug look around the room, Loki pulled his chain out of Rumlow’s grasp and chuckled as the man staggered towards the floor. Holding it himself, he allowed Thor and Caroline to lead him back to the cell, away from the seductive lure of the Mind Stone.
***
Rarely had Caroline felt like such a coward as she did when she fled Loki’s cell. She had barely made it halfway to the mess when she began mentally chastising herself for her behavior. Yes, he was being deliberately provocative, flirting so outrageously with her, but that just meant she was on the right track, working her way to whatever it was he was hiding from himself and her. She should have stayed and pressed further. With any other patient she would have. It was just with Loki…
Shaking her head, Caroline smiled wryly. What was it about Loki? He was attractive, that went without saying. In fact, calling him attractive was a gross understatement. The man… the GOD was far and away the most attractive man she had ever met, and that included the blond Adonis who called himself his brother. Still, the good looks were only a piece of the reason she felt so drawn to him. There was a yearning she sensed inside the alien prince. A longing to be loved, to belong, and to have someone see him for who he truly was rather than who he pretended to be. His wit, his charm, his arrogance, all of that combined into a defensive wall designed to keep others from seeing how lost he was beneath it. She desperately wanted to break down that wall, but feared that when she did she would loose all objectivity. Already, she wanted to find and punish all of those others who had hurt him.
By the time she returned to his cell with two plates of food, she had strengthened her resolve. She might not be neutral in this case, but that did not have to be a fault. The patient obviously needed affection, and she could give that to him and still maintain a professional manner. She would show him that kindness was not something he had forfeit with his completely understandable tumble from reason upon learning his life was a lie.
He was not in the cell. The moment she saw it standing empty, guards all missing, Caroline feared the worst. It was possible that he had escaped, but she didn’t think so. He was too resigned to his fate, showed no sign that he was invested enough in his own survival to fight. Had Pierce defied his orders and taken him to the raft already? Could Loki, even now, be flying towards his mock trial and certain death?
Tossing aside the food trays, Caroline raced to find the one other person who might care if Loki died. Her hunch was correct, and she found Thor quickly on the deck where troops were practicing combat. Not waiting for a lull, she had thrown herself into the makeshift circle where he and a group of three soldiers were facing off in a sparring match. His reaction was comical, if she had been in the mood for humor, throwing himself between her and the advancing men, acting as a living shield as he quickly and without finesse punched all three of them to the ground.
“Doctor Thorpe,” he asked, looking at her with grave concern, “what has caused you to so disregard your own safety? Has Loki done something to upset you?”
“No!” she replied, breathless from her mad dash. “Loki is missing!”
“What? He escaped?”
“I don’t think so. I just went to his cell and it is empty. I think they might be taking him to the raft, and I haven’t had time…”
“Come with me,” he ordered, voice stern with anger. “We will find him.”
“Thank you!”
As she ran to keep up, Thor marched down the hallway, interrogating everyone they passed on the whereabouts of both his brother and Pierce.
“I was promised that if I turned him over to the authorities here, he would be afforded a thorough examination before being taken to trial,” Thor growled as they walked. “If I find out they have broken their word, I will free him myself!”
“Thank you,” she panted, jogging along. “I just went to get food and he was gone when I came back.”
“Pierce? Where?” he snarled at an unfortunate scientist who happened to be in their path.
“Down the hall,” the man said, wincing back from the towering fury. “Room 506.”
When they reached the room in question, the door was open. Inside, Loki stood wrapped in a ridiculous number of chains. Secretary Pierce and a number of men were all there as well, and in the middle of the room was a glowing scepter that she had seen Loki carrying in numerous photos and videos from his invasion. His eyes as he looked at the weapon betrayed unspeakable horror. It looked as though he was alone in the room with the spear, all of his energy directed its way. His lips were twisted into a menacing sneer, and a sheen of perspiration coated his handsome face.
“For the love of Valhalla, what are you doing letting my brother in the same room with that thing?”
A wave of relief washed over Loki’s face as Thor’s voice boomed into the silence, and it was as if a malevolent cloud lifted from him. Caroline watched him as Thor and Pierce traded words, and it seemed to her that he was almost ready to collapse. Siezing control in this room full of trained men who could kill her in a moment, Caroline put on her most professional voice and demanded that Loki be returned to her care. She didn’t know how she had the nerve to stare all of them down, but when laid in the balance against whatever obvious trauma her patient was currently experiencing, she would allow nothing and no one to stand in her way.
It was with gratifying speed that she soon had Loki back into the glass room, seated on his bench and looking like a lost little boy. Now that the hostile men were all behind the soundproof barrier, his shoulders were slumped and his eyes sunken. She did not know what it was that had just happened to him, but she would be damned if she let them take him away before she found out.
Loki/OFC Rated M (may go up to E in future chapters) Trigger Warnings: Angst, talk of suicide, therapy, unhealthy family dynamics
Loki’s plans to conquer and rule Midgard have come to a disastrous end. After being captured by the Avengers, he is being held on Earth. Odin has refused to interfere, and the outlook for the God of Mischief appear bleak. His only hope may lie in one mortal woman, a Psychiatric expert brought in to interrogate him.
Dr. Caroline Thorpe is intrigued by Loki and thinks that more lies beneath his actions than is commonly known. Can she find out the truth before he is shipped off to die for crimes against the Earth? And can Loki bring himself to care?
@yespolkadotkitty@just-the-hiddles@hopelessromanticspoonie@wine-and-whines@arch-venus25@caffiend-queen@devilish–doll@enchantedbyhiddles@hiddlesholic@i-do-not-fangirl-i-fanwoman@kellatron55@ladyoftheteaandblood@latent-thoughts@yespolkadotkitty@maryxglz@myoxisbroken@nuggsmum@nildespirandum@pedeka@redfoxwritesstuff@sinfully-lustful-darling@vodka-and-some-sass@wrathkitty@kingtwhiddleston@wolfsmom1@poetic-fiasco@shiningloki@dangertoozmanykids101@bookworm-christina@amwolowicz@delightfulheartdream@frostbitten-written@what-a-flammable-heart@tom-hlover@nonsensicalobsessions@myraiswack@loki-yoursaviourishere@ghostypau@ms-cellanies@colorfulfreakstudentpizza@mareebird@colorfulfreakstudentpizza @szycha22@chokemedaddyloki@queenofallhobos@just-the-hiddles-reads @alwida10
Taking a deep breath as she heard the door click back into place, Caroline tried to center herself again before beginning once more with her patient.
“Oh dear, I hope there are no problems, Doctor?” Loki asked, false concern coloring his voice.
“No, no problems,” Caroline smiled at him. “I learned how to deal with gun-toting bureaucrats long ago.”
“If you would like, I could deal with him for you,” the God suggested. “Simply be so good as to unlock my manacles and I will gladly make sure that particular problem is out of the way permanently.”
From a purely ethical perspective, Caroline had issues with a patient being chained during a session. I this instance, however, she had a strong suspicion that no amount of persuasion would convince the magical being seated before her to remain once the cuffs were removed. While it was not her preference to treat an unwilling patient, this particular one was so clearly in desperate need of her services that she was persuaded to make an exception.
“I hardly think interrupting our therapy session is a capital offense,” she said after a moment’s reflection.
“Therapy? Is that what this is supposed to be?”
“Of a sort,” she shrugged. “We can call it something else if the term offends you.”
“I merely find it humorous. After all, where I am headed the status of my emotions is like to matter little. And after that… well, I won’t have to deal with pesky emotions at all.”
“And will that be a relief for you?” she took a gamble, probing him a bit.
“Emotions are a weakness. The sooner you learn that dear doctor, the better you’ll be.”
“I think emotions can be our greatest strength. However, seeing everything you have been through in your long life, I can understand why you might have some hesitation about that.”
“And what could you possibly know about my life?” Loki scoffed.
“Well, you told me a bit about it,” she pointed out. “You were abandoned by your birth father, taken from your home, lied to by your adopted parents, overlooked in favor of an adored sibling, and to top it all off, you found out about your true nature in a horribly traumatic fashion. That’s enough to make anyone want to emotionally shut down. Either that or tumble off the deep end into emotional chaos.”
“Don’t make chaos sound so unappealing,” Loki said. “It can be quite liberating. And after all, I do rule over it as a God.”
“That’s right, you’re God of Chaos and Lies as well as Mischief.”
“I prefer to think of it as stories more than lies,” Loki said innocently. “Lies just sounds so naughty, doesn’t it? But then, maybe that’s part of the appeal.”
“Don’t try to distract me with semantics,” Caroline told him with a disarming smile, ignoring how appealing it was when he said the word. “We were talking about your reaction to the discovery of your true origins. I take it you embraced chaos.”
“It is my nature.”
“You sent the Destroyer, I think it’s called? To Earth to kill your brother.”
“Kill or be killed, what would you do?”
“Not commit fratricide, I hope. Did you really think Thor would kill you?”
“What was I meant to think?” Loki exploded. “All of our lives, he spoke of killing every last Jotun. He dreamed of it. Longed for it. Planned endlessly for the day when he could carry out those dreams as King. Why should I ever suspect that a weekend on this dreary planet would turn him into a simpering puppy where they were concerned? All because of a pair of big brown eyes.”
“You mean Jane Foster?”
“That woman. I had tried to reason with Thor for centuries. Pointed out the problematic nature of genocide, counseled restraint and diplomacy, and for centuries I was mocked for it. Then a pretty female makes the exact same arguments and suddenly Thor is a pacifist?”
“He had changed when he came back to Asgard.”
“In some ways. In others he was exactly the same as always. He had experienced this grand epiphany and was now a warrior for peace, and therefore everyone else must instantly and intuitively know that the world had reordered itself. A mere handful of days prior he had tried to bring about the end of the Jotunheim himself and considered it worthy of songs and celebrations. But when I attempted the same, attempted to show that my loyalty was and always would be to Asgard and our family, I was a criminal, interested in only death and destruction! I spent my life pushing back against Thor and Odin’s reflexive shows of brute force, and the moment I finally embraced the family way they changed it! Why should I be held to a standard different from the one they set all my life? How is that fair?”
Heaving himself off of the bench, Loki strode over to the side of his cell farthest from the watching guards and leaned his head on a forearm pressed to the glass. Caroline could see the rise and fall of his back as he struggled to get his emotions under control.
“It’s not,” she said simply.
“What?” the word was barely audible from where he stood.
“It’s not fair,” she said again.
“Careful doctor,” he warned, turning his head to look at her. “You contradict the great rulers of Asgard and the Nine Realms.”
“How fortunate for me then that I am not one of their subjects.”
“The AllFather may not see it that way.”
“Loki, I know it may sound blasphemous, but I really don’t care what Odin thinks, or Thor either. For the former, I have never met him, and from everything I have heard I am grateful for it. As for Thor… I have met him on a handful of occasions. He strikes me as carelessly kind, overly headstrong, and more than a touch egotistical. Not terribly dissimilar from several other enhanced people I have come across in my line of work. I have a casual linking for him, but I cannot imagine how irritating it would be to be his sibling. The only member of the Asgardian royal family I am interested in right now is you.”
“Why Caroline,” Loki purred, turning with a predatory gleam and sauntering deliberately over to the table where she sat, “why didn’t you say so in the first place?”
***
She was good, he had to give her that. Most of the mortals Loki had met since arriving on Earth would have shrunk back visibly with him looming over them, manacles of no. He was considerably tall by their standards, and he had learned several hundred years ago how to use his presence to his advantage. Instead of flinching away from him, Dr. Thorpe just directed a quizzical look up at him, as though trying to decipher what secret his new tactic was hiding. Only the pulse he could see beating rapidly in her neck betrayed any kind of alarm.
She smelled nice. The thought passed irrelevantly through his mind. A light smell of strawberries that he believed must be from her shampoo surrounded her. Loki had always enjoyed the fruit, particularly when matched with chocolate.
“If you are trying to intimidate me,” she said hardily, “you will have to try better than that.”
“Intimidate you? On the contrary, I was trying to entice you. Are my skills as rusty as that?”
“It’s interesting that your words when flirting are move removed from your true self than any of the other words you have spoken thus far. If I were to guess, I would say you were not one to give your heart over rapidly to another the way Thor did with Jane. Is that part of why it surprised you so much?”
“Why would I ever give my heart to anyone?” he asked, still keeping his voice pleasant as he sat on the edge of her desk, crowding into her space. “I am not so cruel. And who in their right mind would want such a tarnished thing?”
“Tarnish is easy enough to scrub off,” she shrugged. “And I would think there would be many people willing to take a gamble with yours.”
“Indeed? Are you saying I’m attractive, Caroline?”
“You are undeniably handsome,” she admitted. “On top of that, you are intelligent, curious, I would guess talented in many different fields.”
“Oh, I am,” he made his voice as suggestive as possible, and felt a moment of victory when her face blushed slightly.
“I think, after some work, you would make some person an excellent partner.”
“Work?”
“Forgiving yourself.”
“What in Hel do I have to forgive myself for?” he snapped, standing up off the table.
“Not being Thor,” she sighed.
Loki felt as though she had slapped him across the face. So, it turned out this doctor was no different than all the rest. She judged him not by who he was, or even who he might be, but by how far he fell from the perfect golden idol that was Thor. Why had he ever expected different?
“No, Loki, wait,” she said quickly, laying a hand on his arm.
Loki stared down, thinking idly that she was touching him precisely where the Frost Giant had all that time ago. Her touch was warm though, and she grasped him gently as though attempting to heal him instead of trying to burn. He could not remember the last time a person had touched him with anything less than thinly contained violence, and he found himself frozen in place.
“You misunderstand,” she continued, looking up at him. “I am not saying that I think you should be like Thor. I think that even trying to be is an error on your part.”
“Because I am so fundamentally lacking?”
“In some ways, but in others you are so fundamentally more. From everything I read about Asgard before seeing you today, and everything you have told me, the social hierarchy sounds like that of a common high school here on Earth. Thor is strong, brash, brave, all those things. But he doesn’t think before he acts. He doesn’t even really believe a person should think first. In a culture that celebrates battles and strength, he shines. He is an instrument as blunt and inflexible as his hammer, and good for similar functions.
“You, on the other hand, are the complete opposite. You are agile, reflexive, fluid, graceful. Your mind is just as much of a weapon as any tangible object, and I would wager much more lethal. You will survive far better than your brother, because you know how and when to swerve or bend but never surrender. The Asgardians, with their black and white mentality, would not be able to see what a great advantage this is.”
“That is true,” he said begrudgingly.
“Now, let’s look at your childhood again. You were brilliant, I assume, from a young age. That would have made your teachers envious, and I can imagine that you did nothing to hide your superiority to them.”
“A God does not hide his gifts.”
“And they are gifts!” she pounced. “So, if your teachers resent you for the most part, and the other children see more value in arms than in books, what then? Your father spent all of your formative years recounting battles to you, it couldn’t help but glorify skills at arms. The entire society you were planted in revolved around them. And you, from before you understood, would have internalized this.
“And then the final knell – Thor is given Mjornir and the crown.”
“That was never in doubt,” Loki lied. He had dared to hope, long ago now, that the throne of Asgard might fall to him. That somehow he could prove to Odin that he was worthy of his pride and love. He had been a fool.
“You might have known intellectually, but it still would have hurt,” she shook her head.
It had hurt more than he cared to remember. The worst was that no one seemed to even consider that he might feel anything other than delighted on his brother’s behalf. He had been happy, in a fashion. He loved Thor back then with an ease that he grieved the lack of now. Still, that one small, kernel of hope had always remained that somehow, he could convince their father that he was not just a spare prince, dark shadow following behind Thor’s gleaming sun.
“What does it matter?” he asked with a sigh.
“It matters! It matters because you matter. Yes, Odin chose Thor. But that is because Odin has no more imagination than your brother. He wants Asgard to continue on as it has always done. In Thor, he has a perfect reflection of himself. He didn’t choose you because you would have tried new things, made improvements, and, yes, mistakes as well. But you would have changed the status quo. You were not less than, Loki. You were unique.”
Loki walked back to the bench, her words echoing in his head. Had he been comparing himself to Thor all this time? He had thought that he had ceased to do so years ago. Still, the constant praise of his brother rang in his ears. The worship in everyone’s eyes all but blinded him. He had tried to see the irony in it all, to see the throngs who followed his brother as lemmings, nuisances at best.
Magic had helped, a little. His mother had done her best to give him something of his own, and he had seized on it with embarrassing eagerness. He could still remember the first time he had faced Thor across the pitch, their father watching expectantly from the sidelines, knowing that he had a new advantage his brother would never possess. It had all gone as usual. Thor had attacked head on while Loki dodged and danced, blades flashing. Then, summoning all of his magical strength, Loki had blurred his image so that Thor was not sure where he truly started and stopped. It was a crude version of a trick he could do without thinking now. It had been enough to confound his brother, who threw himself at the wrong side of Loki and ended up lying face down in the dirt, Loki’s dagger pressed to the back of his neck.
Loki had been ecstatic. Surely, at last, he would hear Odin’s praise. Instead, his father had looked at him coldly from his one good eye, face unpleased.
“Tricks,” he had said. “Unsporting in this sort of battle. I had expected more from you.”
Odin had turned around and walked away, leaving Loki crushed. Frigga had tried to ease his hurt, assuring him that he had done the spell just right, and she was so proud of him, but the damage had been done. He told himself he gave up on trying to win Odin’s approval at that moment, but he knew it was a lie. A part of him wanted it still.
“Tell me what living creature ever dreamed of being unique,” Loki asked quietly. “Unique is just another word for alone.”
“Unique is special,” Dr. Thorpe countered. “Loki, you don’t have to be alone.”
“Would you link yourself to me, Doctor?” he asked, thinking to call her bluff. “There is, after all, very little time left. Would you stay with me until the axe falls, be it tomorrow or the next day?”
“If you wish it,” she surprised him with the answer. “I don’t think the axe has to fall, necessarily, but even if it does, I will be there with you, if you like. As a friend.”
“A friend,” the word tasted strange on his tongue. “Friend to the one who tried to subjugate your kind? Who killed humans without a second thought?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because you are what you were made to be, and no one deserves to be alone.”
“Yet in the end, we are all. And so shall I be.”
“Loki, I will ask you one last time, do you want to die?”
Loki looked at her, truly considering the question for the first time. He did not actively seek out death, not since he had let go of Gungnir a fallen into the abyss. In that moment he had, indeed, longed for an end to all the pain. Instead, the true pain had only just begun. Wincing away from the memory, he brought himself to the present.
No, he did not particularly want to die. He just was not sure he wanted to live. He knew who hunted him, somewhere in the greater galaxy. He had thought he might be safe on Asgard. Surely his father, he had believed, even if he was not so by blood, would take him back rather than leave him to the barbaric Midgardians. An Asgardian jail cell would not be pleasant, but at least it would be marginally safer. Even one as mad as his pursuer would not risk a head on confrontation with Odin AllFather.
It had not happened that way. Odin had washed his hands of his Jotun pawn. Loki was on his own, with nothing standing between him and more of the agony he had endured in his captivity.
“It might be better for all involved were it to be over,” he said at last. “I fear you have wasted your time with me. Let them end it and save yourselves.”
“Save ourselves from what? From you?”
“No, my threat is over.”
“Then what? Loki, what are you afraid of?”
“I told you, I fear nothing!”
Lies, of course.
“I don’t believe you. Everyone has fears.”
“And what are yours?” he asked, suddenly angry at her for making him feel. “Tell me, Caroline, what are your deepest, darkest fears that keep you up at night? Is it loneliness for you, is that why you hope to see it in me? Do you lie there, alone in your bed with no one to care for you? Only your work to keep you warm in the cold hours of the night? Would you cling to me in my uniqueness because you fear to be on your own?”
“In part, yes, probably,” she agreed with him, startling him once again. “I do know what it is like to be different. To keep others at arm’s length. I know what it is to be alone.”
“Well then, shall we comfort each other? You are not uncomely.”
He had meant to intimidate her, to drive her away, but as he drew closer to her, Loki realized that he would not mind spending time with her. She was more attractive than he had made it sound, and he could feel himself responding to her. Against his will, he began imagining her eyes, frank and compassionate, darkened with desire. Or perhaps it was not all his imagination. Her pulse was racing again, and her pupils had dilated as she looked up at him.
“What you suggest would not be appropriate,” her voice was more strained than it had been before.
“Because I am a terrorist?” he murmured, close to her ear.
“Because you are my patient.”
“I politely decline your services, doctor. At least, your professional services. You had said you would keep me company. We could become quite friendly if you desire.”
“I think this is a good time for a break,” she said crisply, standing and smoothing her hands over her skirt.
“I thought you wanted to stay with me,” he smirked.
“We need food,” she told him. “I will go arrange something and be back shortly.
Loki grinned as she hurried from the room, but the humor faded quickly. He had won that round, he believed. So why did the victory feel so hollow?
