wanting top surgery + too afraid to ever make a permanent change to my body + too afraid of the health problems of having surgery = i guess i could just wear a binder + im afraid of that damaging my ribs or lungs or back or etc = permanent gender dysphoria and being misgendered with nothing to do about it :’)

love opening my laptop after i’ve been drinking the night before because it’s just. an explosion of differently sized windows. i’ve got 7 word tabs open. i’ve got 3 different tumblr posts on top of each other. discord is full screen and i’ve somehow turned notifications on. why

you all don’t know how many bad post grenades i fall on for you. they’re all my posts, of course. i just decide not to post them, out of my infinite mercy

Spending the past two weeks working on Olivia as a character and whatnot

But then realizing I have nowhere to put her or anything

When you. When. When you make character and no proper “use” for them but they rattle around your brain like the DVD screen

Personal rant below

EDIT: this isn’t a cry for attention or anything. It is merely me expressing my true emotions and feelings. Art is very emotionally connected to me so I’ve been thinking deeply about my feelings. Pleeza no think this is a GibMeAttention fkfkf

I think I really know why I hate my art so much.

It’s so? Lifeless. Void of soul dare I say. No flavor no spice it’s white man chicken.

Like a LONG time ago someone sent me anon hate calling my art “generic” and it’s stuck in my head ever since because… it’s so CORRECT??

Like I can’t even call it “anon hate” when it’s literally SO RIGHT like good lord it’s Anon Truth.

Everyone’s art has their own little quirks and it’s so… THEIRS. My art is like?? Just if a corporation decided to spew something out as a How Do You do Fellow Kids

It’s so lifeless and bLAND I hate it so much

Like the world is a all you can eat buffet and I’m the unseasoned non buttered rolls that nobody takes and at the end of each shift gets hard and stale.

I’ve done every medium I can think of and no matter WHAT I do, nothing changes. No matter how hard I try or how much I put into something it looks lifeless and generic

Whenever I look at someone else’s art I SEE the feelings involved or I see the effort. I feel it and understand it and adore it I eat it up. All the character built up in their lines just bursts out!! And I just? Can’t do that.

Maybe I just don’t actually have a soul or something I don’t know?? “Or your just shit at it jazzy” yes that too but I’m over dramatic I don’t have a soul that’s why

Obviously I’m still going to draw and I’m still going to try and get better at art. You won’t get rid of my generic crap that easy.

But man. It just sucks being the unseasoned chicken breast in a 5 star restaurant

So upon leaving 90% of servers I was in and already never talking to anyone ever.

I have fully reached my social seclusion stage once again

I will now become unhinged within the upcoming days.

Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow

I think I’ve decided to not be on tumblr during Mon-Wed.

Past bit I’ve been dealing with not only mindless crap but also?? During my work week? Man I’m streSSED.

So I think unless the stuff is scheduled in advance, I’m gonna not be on here during my work days.

Or at least not on my askblog accounts lmao.

My art blog is the only sacred place left LOL

Rest in pieces Jazzy doing Munday

Meet the rat bastards. Stal (bottom) and monster truck (top)

I want to be a rat

On jah fricking date me mofos

@ my current girlfriend

A reminder that jerboa is a thing that exists

I want to be a rat

This is a threat

@ my current girlfriend

Uh oh stinky moment

Yo he be scheduling tons of meetings

Ah yes my favorite flavor

Tumblr is the gay twitter change my mind

Tomate,,,