“If I had time travel I’d kill Hitler” “If I had time travel I’d stop my favourite politician getting assassinated” you’re all thinking way too small. If I had time travel I’d stop Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin from dying on the moon due to Soviet sabotage, kicking off the Great Nuclear War and devastating half of the planet.
i’ve been on hold at my library for a book about asexuality for a few weeks and i just read an article about some concepts in the book re: consent. and holy shit. blew my mind. i’ve NEVER read about consent in the context of a relationship with an ace and an allo that resonated so strongly with me, and as a person in such a relationship!! it’s so!!! i’m even more excited for the book now.
god okay, just to gush about this more, the author suggests using the categories of enthusiastic, willing, unwilling and coerced consent (rather than just “enthusiastic consent” or “no means no”). i really recommend reading the whole article linked above, but what blew my mind is the distinction between enthusiastic and willing consent. it gets broken down like this:
Enthusiastic consent:
When I want you
When I don’t fear the consequences of saying yes OR saying no
When saying no means missing out on something I want
Willing consent:
When I care about you though I don’t desire you (right now)
When I’m pretty sure saying yes will have an okay result and I think maybe that I’d regret saying no
When I believe that desire may begin after I say yes
and like!!! it made me realize i may have never actually enthusiastically consented in my life, but like, that doesn’t mean i have never or cannot consent! i almost always fall into the “willing consent” framework and i’ve never seen that….validated anywhere. anyway, it’s just given me this perspective about my sexuality and consent in general and better ways to relate to my partner and!!! idk!!! thank goodness for other ace people, is what i’m saying.
This is very useful and a lot of sex work can also be best understood as willing consent, where the indirect consequences of having sex (getting paid) are what is desired and the direct consequences (having probably-mediocre sex with someone you don’t actively desire) are not considered so negative that they outweigh the indirect consequences.
Which is a definition of consent that gives sex workers agency and sees their consent as a choice made again and again based on the pros and cons, not something that is coerced and also not something that always exists by default simply because they are sex workers.
Recognizing willing consent is probably validating for a lot of people who have consent to sex without meeting the definition of enthusiastic consent.
Tobey!Peter: *does a ton of hand signals* Andrew!Peter: *mimicking hand signals* I. Don’t. Know. What. That. Means. Tobey!Peter: *sighs* Go around back! Tom!Peter: Why didn’t you just say so?
One reason I think it’s important that tumblr understands that AO3 emails spark dopamine and not serotonin other than the fact that I’m a neuroscientist who is very tired is because dopamine is part of the reward system.
I honestly think that emails from AO3 affect the reward system very similarly to gambling. When you get a sudden, random reward (AKA a comment on your fic), it feels great, and you want that again. But as the gamblerwriter, you have very little control over when the rewards come in or how many. There are gamesfandoms where you might have a higher chance of getting a response, or tropes, pairings, etc, but in the end, the reward is up to fickle fate (or possibly fantastic marketing on your part if you know how).
Randomly received rewards are incredibly addicting.
Similarly, not receiving a reward when you think you should get one feels very, very bad.
People who are more satisfied in their lives are less susceptible to the highs and lows of gambling and other addictive behaviors. If you are finding your relationship with you AO3 stats page or AO3 emails is unhealthy, it might be worth it to 1. turn off email notifications (so the randomness of the reward is removed) 2. Pick a time each week to check for comments (now it’s on a schedule) and 3.See if there are ways to improve your life elsewhere so that your mental health does not fluctuate with the whims of strangers sending you comments.
It’s not a moral failing to like attention. I have no judgment for people who get into a negative cycle with these things. This is for your mental health. Writing can be so rewarding for so many reasons, and I really just want to see other people find the joy in it.
This post has been going around again, and the question you should ask yourself is not, “am I addicted to emails/comments/AO3?” But “does posting fic put me in a bad mood? Do I get anxious waiting for emails? Is my relationship with AO3 causing me mental pain?”
The problem isn’t whether you are “addicted,” the problem is whether you are experiencing painful emotions in response to a hobby that should be fun. That’s what needs evaluation.
I was at the coffeeshop in the village and someone asked me how my llamas are doing, and a woman overheard and told me that when she was a kid, her parents used to have a couple of llamas in their sheep farm, and every single sheep in their flock imprinted on one of the two llamas. Each sheep chose the best most charismatic llama according to mysterious sheep criteria, and never wavered in their ovine loyalty. Each of the two llamas was worshiped by a small sub-flock of devoted sheep who followed him everywhere like Jesus’s apostles and only left their field for transhumance when led by “their” llama. The funniest thing is the way this woman overheard the word “llama” and immediately came to sit next to me to tell me this, like she had waited since childhood to share her bewilderment about the two religious congregations of sheep led by rival llama prophets in her family farm.
