#the 1990s

Erotica ~ Madonna

(released October 20, 1992)

Some things never change. While we didn’t get to 100 exactly last week, it got pretty close.

Woah, so that’s a big correction.

Chris got probation in August:

Rock singer Chris Robinson, 24, was sentenced to six months’ probation when he pleaded no contest to a charge of disturbing the peace during a late-night beer run. The court dismissed an assault charge.

Robinson’s group, the Black Crowes, had played a May 29 concert in Denver, when he went to a 7-Eleven for beer and was turned down because it was after midnight. He allegedly spit on another customer, Elizabeth Juergens, who asked, “Who are the Black Crowes?”1

Whitney’s concert at the Hampton Coliseum was canceled on July 2nd due to “sluggish sales”:

The July 5 concert was killed Tuesday by promoter Dimensions Unlimited of Washington, D.C. Only 2,500 of 10,000 tickets had sold, said Alysia Taylor of Dimensions Unlimited. Even additional television advertising failed to sell the show.

Taylor said a mutual decision to cancel was reached by Houston’s New Jersey-based management company and promoters. It was the first cancellation of an East Coast appearance by the singer.

“It’s horrible,” Taylor said. “I think it hurt us really badly that people got to see Whitney for free a few months ago.”

Houston’s Easter Sunday concert at Norfolk Naval Air Station aired for free on the Home Box Office cable network. 2

What exactly is a dinette? There were stores devoted to them back then, but all I’m seeing is a dining room set. Webster’s says a dinette is a “small dining table and chairs” 3

The Bushes had Graves Disease, which is a thyroid disorder. Millie had lupus.

That motorist was Rodney King. 4

Tops reached their highest in 1991. They’ve never been that high again.

This is messed up. You know how years ago I would share the bottom 100 from Spy magazine? Well, in the 1991 edition, there was an entire section of ridiculous murders : 5

I’m sure that kid is wearing cutoffs that original said “Colonial” but now they just say “COLON”. Colon shorts.

Okay, so here is the thing, the newspaper’s microfilm copy that is on ProQuest is missing the Lifestyles section. I’ll try to fill in the pieces.

There was supposed to be an article about how the Virginia Living Museum built a dinosaur exhibit in the old Miller & Rhoads department store at the Newmarket Fair Mall. I found this article from a special insert from the day before.

My dad took me to this while mom shopped at Sears. I wish I remembered more from it, I just remember that it was at the mall, and I got a cardboard dinosaur pencil case afterward. I wish I had more memories of going places with my dad, he’s not close with me anymore.

WOAH WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THIS ARTICLE AND THIS AD RUNNING TOGETHER.

I used the Eugene Register-Guard to fill in the comics page:

oh, this was a couple of months after Elly had April, the accident baby.

You know how the strip has been in reruns since 2008? They’re currently running strips from 1993. The original strip ended right when I transferred to another college in 2008 when I was 25. We’re getting old.

Don’t ya just want to slap Jeffy sometimes?

1. Staff. ‘ROCK SINGER GETS PROBATION’. Buffalo News. Accessed 30 May 2022. https://buffalonews.com/news/rock-singer-gets-probation/article_ee81dda5-27d2-5820-91df-5e9d00d0e0b2.html.
2. Daily Press. ‘WHITNEY’S CONCERT CANCELED’. Accessed 30 May 2022. https://www.dailypress.com/news/dp-xpm-19910703-1991-07-03-9107030079-story.html.https://archive.ph/dcx7Q
3. Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, s.v. “dinette set,” accessed May 30, 2022, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/dinette%20set.
4. UPI. ‘Attn: Editors and Publishers Reporter Fined for Refusing to Identify Source in King Case’. Accessed 30 May 2022. https://www.upi.com/Archives/1991/05/30/Attn-editors-and-publishers-Reporter-fined-for-refusing-to-identify-source-in-King-case/3514675576000/.
5. Spy. ‘Ten Most Senseless Murders in New York City This Year (so Far)’, October 1991. https://books.google.com/books?id=66y_cHgHTYYC&printsec=frontcover&lr=&rview=1&hl=en#v=twopage&q&f=true.

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(ebay seller vintage_toys_n_things)

He looks so sinister in digital microfilm.

So recently, WalMart got in trouble for copycatting a small ice cream company’s Juneeteenth themed ice cream. This hasn’t been the first time!

In March of 1999, during the Teletubbies craze, WalMart, perhaps worried that they would run out of the real deal, began selling knockoffs of the dolls in their stores. 1

“Bubbly Chubbies,” four cuddly dolls that arrived in Wal-Mart’s 2,435 stores this month, have remarkably similar features: pastel colors, large cute eyes and button noses, protruding earlike headphones, and squat, chubby bodies – rather human but with an extraplanetary appearance. 2

By May of 1999, it was settled that WalMart would destroy and remaining inventory of the dolls. 1

And of course, since it was early 1999, it was mentioned on The Daily Show, back when they tackled more lighthearted fare.

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1. Tharp, Paul. “WAL-MART DROPS TUBBIES KNOCKOFFS.” New York Post, May 20, 1999. https://nypost.com/1999/05/20/wal-mart-drops-tubbies-knockoffs/.
2. McFadden, Robert D. “Teletubbies Take On the Bubbly Chubbies as Cute Winds Up in Federal Court.” The New York Times, March 23, 1999, sec. New York. https://www.nytimes.com/1999/03/23/nyregion/teletubbies-take-on-the-bubbly-chubbies-as-cute-winds-up-in-federal-court.html.

I don’t know if anybody else here has been watching the American Crime Story: Impeachment mini series, but wow is food a supporting cast member.

I mean, in the second episode alone, Monica’s (and in this case, Linda’s) Starbucks cups shoulda received a paycheck for their acting chops.

There’s also this hilarious scene in episode three where Linda Tripp has a mini meltdown at work because she had worked on an itinerary for when “Major Dad” Gerald McRaney visited an Air Force base. Well, he cancels and she goes silently psycho. She opens a drawer and gets out a bag of Utz Sour Cream and Onion chips while everything goes deaf around her.

The one I noticed the most in that second episode was Diet Coke. The first time Bill was alone with Monica he offers her a Diet Coke. He was like, “wOULd yOU LIkE A dIEt cOkE?”. As the episode progressed, Diet Coke Cleary became a euphemism for other things:

Monica later said in her book “Monica’s Story” that she always left Bill’s office with a Diet Coke because: “it looked a little more friendly and less sexual.” 1 He even offered he one right before he cut contact off with her in episode three.

Bill loved his Diet Coke, I mean there is even one buried in a time capsule in his Presidential Library. 2

Oof he even had three! Diet Cokes (and a Canada Dry ginger ale and two glasses of water) during his videotaped grand jury testimony in September of 1998.  3

Related: 

The Monica posts: https://saleintothe90s.tumblr.com/tagged/monica-lewinsky

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1. “Monica’s Makeover - March 15, 1999.” Accessed September 27, 2021. https://www.cnn.com/ALLPOLITICS/time/1999/03/08/makeover.html.
2. Oklahoman.com. “Clinton Library Opening Today in Little Rock,” November 18, 2004. https://oklahoman.com/article/2874555/clinton-library-opening-today-in-little-rock/.
3. Shea, Jim. “IN AWE OF CLINTON’S CAPACITY.” courant.com. Accessed September 27, 2021. https://www.courant.com/news/connecticut/hc-xpm-1998-09-22-9809220275-story.html.][https://web.archive.org/web/20210707155116/https://www.courant.com/news/connecticut/hc-xpm-1998-09-22-9809220275-story.html
4. Whiting, Amanda. “Impeachment: American Crime Story Recap: Once More To the Diet Coke Room.” Vulture, September 22, 2021. https://www.vulture.com/article/impeachment-american-crime-story-episode-2-season-3.html.][https://web.archive.org/web/20210922055542/https://www.vulture.com/article/impeachment-american-crime-story-episode-2-season-3.html

When I was in elementary school, my mom would buy me bundles of old Sports Illustrated magazines from the thrift store on the air force base. I’d always pour through the issues, looking at the old ads, and keeping my eye out on figure skating articles. 

Then, this one time in 5th grade, my mom bought me home this massive, nearly phonebook sized edition of SI.The 1984 Olympic preview. That was when I was first introduced to the “Who will win what” section fo every preview issue. The expert opinions on who will win what medals at the Olympics. I love looking back on them, even way back then to see what they got wrong. 

I know some are wondering where the Sports Illustrated issue for 1980 is. In the United States, we seriously don’t know much about that Olympics since the U.S. boycotted the Summer Olympics, with them being in the Soviet Union and whatnots.  I don’t even think it was on TV here. In fact, there wasn’t even a preview issue. 

1984: 

S.I. got the team prediction 100%. 

While we, in America associate Mary Lou Retton with the star of the 1984 games due to her winning the all around, I feel like really, it was Ecaterina Szabo, she won gold medals on the balance beam, floor, and vault. 

BothJulianne McNamara andMa Yanhong tied for gold at the uneven bars.  I was surprised to see Pam Bileck predicted to win a bronze on the balance beam. She didn’t even make the event finals. 

For the rhythmic gymnastics, Lori Fung of Canada won the first gold medal of the sport. 

The men’s results were all over the place. The United States surprisingly won gold in the team competition. Vault, floor exercise, and rings were the only correct gold medal predictions. 

S.I. was asleep on Koji Gushiken, who won the all around, rings, and a silver medal on vault. 

1988:

The Soviets were back in 1998, and the United States didn’t fare well at all. The only medalist was a bronze medal for Phoebe Mills on the balance beam. Hey, S.I. got that prediction right. 

There is absolutely nomention of Svetlana Boginskaya from the Soviet Union, who walked away from the games with gold medals in the team and vault, silver medal on the floor, and a bronze in the all around.  

Like with Svetlana, no mention of her teammate on the men’s team, Vladimir Artemov who won gold medals in the team, all around, and horizontal bar, and a silver on the floor exercise. 

1992: 

S.I. absolutely slept on Shannon Miller in 1992. They, like everyone else was focused on Kim Zmeskal who fell on the first night of competition, in her first event. Shannon went on to win a silver in the all around, a bronze in team competition, and three medals in individual events. 

I guess due to her breakthrough in 1998, S.I. believed that Svetlana Boginskaya could win all around that year. She placed a respectable fifth, but did not win any individual medals that year. 

For the men, VItaly Sherbo won five gold medals in Barcelona. The magazine got his all around prediction correct. 

Oh! I almost forgot about Trent Dimas blew everybody away and won the gold on the horizontal bar.

1996:

Wow, it was as though S.I. had no hope for the United States ladies, predicting a bronze medal in the team event. Of course, we all know who won that. 

I was surprised that they thought that Svetlana Khorkina would win the all around. I thought she was just a master of bars at this point in her career. She placed 15th in the all around. 

While they were correct about Khorkina’s uneven bars win, they didn’t even think that silver medalist Amy Chow was in the running. 

Or, Dominique Dawes winning bronze in the floor exercise. Or, Shannon Miller winning gold on the balance beam.

For the men, Ukraine won the bronze medal. On the subject of bronze medals, Vitaly Sherbo won four of them this time around after a tumultuous time after the 1992 Olympics (left Belarus for the United States, then his wife was in a car accident).

Jair Lynch of the United States won a silver medal on the parallel bars. ‘Yall know he has his own real estate development firm? 

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(Watch the whole movie here on YouTube)

(spoiler alert, the guy on the cover is only in the movie for like, a minute, tops)

Boy, did i watch a dumb movie yesterday. 

I was in the mood to watch something end of the world-y since I’m sad all the time. I was looking for the movie Testament, but couldn’t find a free copy. I saw a recommendation on YouTube for movie Without Warning. I remember it on like, a list of end of the world movies, but I thought it was a nuclear movie. 

No. 

Just a lot of busy dumb events. It plays off as breaking news in real time, but a made for TV movie. Like you’re watching people play end of the world pretend CBS news time: 

They were basically doing a War of the Worlds for 1994. 

I made screen caps on my iPad while I watched. as visual notes.  

The movie starts out looking like any other Sunday night CBS made for TV movie from the mid 1990s. Then the “local news” cuts in with this lady. I’m going to tell you right now, she is only one of two convincing news reporters in this entire movie, and she only gets 5 seconds of screen time. 

OH. did I mention that some of the news reporters in this movie are real deal reporters. Yes, real reporters for a fake news movie. 

Like him, Sander Vanocur. He’s real. It bugs me immensely that this movie aired on CBS, and used many of the same-ish graphics CBS news used at the time. Let me try to pull something up as an example at the time. 

I found the CBS Evening News from about a week before this movie aired. Hey, Connie. 

Here is another example: 

Movie. 

Real deal CBS Evening News. Hi Scott.

I guess I should explain what’s going on. Three asteroids hit the earth at the same time, one in Wyoming, one in France, and one in China. The one that hit remote China looks like a cat’s butt. w2go, graphics department. 

John DeLancie who just finished playing Q on Star Trek the Next Generation is in this movie playing a reporter in Wyoming … for some reason. Come on, John, you’re way more talented than this movie. In the YouTube comments for another copy of this movie everybody was like, “I knew it was Q all along.”

So the news reporter in the newscopter (who is a real journalist) finds this little girl near the crater in Wyoming. The little girl speaks in content aware scale.

The commercials are in this copy! Here are some decaf coffee teabgs. mmm

All cleaning products in 1994 had to be potpourri scented. You know, dried flowers. 

These would pop up before the movie resumed after each commercial break. 

Malcom’s mom/the mean lady judge on the Simpsons, Jane Kaczmarek is the science correspondent for this faux network. She puts in the only good acting job in this entire film. She outperforms the real journalists. I like to image she watched a lot of news to study.

The first footage of the asteroid hitting was taken while these kids were getting ready to go trick or treating. They’re ok. 

This bug-eyed creature was a guy that worked at NASA that the government flew to Johnson Space Center in a jet shortly after the asteroids hit. Why? 

…because he’s some sort of experts in aliens, he was in an organization, that searched for extraterrestrial intelligence. Something with aliens. 

(mm. The reporter in Houston at Johnson reminds me so much of Cliff from the final seasons of Matlock.If you know you know. )

When I saw that, I was like, give me a break. I almost closed YouTube and forgot about even writing this entry. I thought this was a plausible disaster movie, not an unbelievable alien movie. 

Boston Chicken has a new vegetable pot pie with a mashed potato crust. It didn’t look good. 

There was a political ad for someone named Frank Mascara. 

They drug BILL into this movie. They didn’t make up a fictional president. They said that he was at some conference in Paris. I’m not really cool with them dragging real presidents into their budget made for TV film. 

Jane mentioned this meteorite that several people filmed back in October 9 1992. I thought they were making it up, but it really happened. Hit a lady’s car.

I thought this weather and channel ID was part of the movie! Nope, that’s just the local affiliate. 

Kimberly is the little girl the newscopter found. I had to laugh at this sign. Why do you love her. 

Maybe the aliens are bringing us this sweet Oldsmobile Aurora that was in a commercial break. 

Ohhh! The episode of Dave’s World when his son was hit by a car on halloween. I need to watch that episode. 

Bug eyes is going against nasa protocol and telling us that more asteroids are coming, and the aliens are bringing them? 

Do ‘yall remember that music video with Sting and the silver cowboy aliens. That’s how I imagine those aliens looked like.

There is a plot point that gets swept under the rug. The people in this little town just vanish.

MCI Pam Beesley

…did Continental pay for this? I think they diiid. Jane and Sander bring up how this Continental Lite was one of the last flights to take off because the aliens are interrupting radar. 

I didn’t make a screen capture, but at this point, Air Force jets are coming to the North Pole to shoot down those other asteroids that are heading for more populous areas. Right as the jet pilots launch the missiles, the aliens kill em–the pilots saved the day though. 

So, the correspondents are watching these missiles blow up the asteroids and they’re obviously trying not to freak out, try not to cry, try not cry while saying goodbye to family members. The guy in the lower left corner sniffles while saying that his 28th birthday is tomorrow. It’s soo cheezy, when the missiles destroy the asteroids all three of the reporters tell him happy birthday. 

They need one last report from “Cliff” at Johnson Space Center. uh, Cliff? 

It’s either a video game or the aliens are shooting off more asteroids. There’s radio signals all over stating that major metropolitans are gone.  How do they know the towns are obliterated though. Maybe they just lost signal. 

Most of these movies leave me scared afterward . Not this one. Maybe because we all had our own near end of the world experience this past year with the virus. 

Of course, someone fell for it: 

On Sunday night, minutes after the vidpic ended, KCBS newswoman Penny Griego stated on the 11 p.m. news, “Dozens of calls came into the Channel 2 newsroom.”  1

A CBS movie about an asteroid striking Earth triggered hundreds of phone calls nationwide Sunday night from confused viewers concerned the depicted events might be true. 

[…]

WCCO-TV, the CBS affiliate in Minneapolis, apologized during its evening news to viewers fooled by the movie, which immediately preceded the newscast.″CBS broadcast disclaimers at every commercial break, but in spite of that we got almost a hundred calls from people alarmed, upset, some in tears,″ said anchorwoman Amy Marsalis. ″We called CBS network. They said they had very few calls from alarmed viewers across the nation, but for those of you who called here, we’re sorry for any bad moments.″ 2

Some 30 viewers phoned Channel 7 during and after the CBS Sunday night movie Without Warning, either to find out if, indeed, the earth had been struck by fragments of a gigantic asteroid or to complain about the network’s audacity.

Although it didn’t match the panic caused in 1938 by Orson Welles’ radio broadcast of War of the Worlds, some viewers were genuinely upset, according to WHIO-TV station manager Don Kemper.

“One person said, "It scared my mother to death’,” Kemper said. “And (others complained about) the fact that it was irresponsible. But I think people were upset they didn’t know the difference between fiction and reality.”

CBS superimposed a disclaimer saying “None of what you are seeing is actually happening” about every 15 minutes, but the calls still came.

Channel 7 finally added its own message, “This is a dramatization,” midway through the 9-11 p.m. movie.

“We were getting calls, so we just added that just to try to help any viewers who were confused by it,” Kemper said. “We put it on around 9:30, and then we put it on solid for the last hour. CBS had notified us there may be some calls, and I had notified the newsroom. 3

I even found a news report from October 31, 1994 out of South Bend, Illinois!

Related: 

Review of movie over at We Are Cult

The movie is summarized on some sort of Halloween fandom wiki?

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1. Loynd, Ray. “Without Warning.” Variety (blog), November 1, 1994. https://variety.com/1994/tv/reviews/without-warning-1200439570/.

2. AP NEWS. “Disaster Movie ‘Without Warning’ Realistic Enough to Confuse Some Viewers,” October 31, 1994. https://apnews.com/article/8adf3a6d5aa43fd75d6aaa8c0239eb06.

3. "CHANNEL HOPPING VIEWERS UPSET OVER CBS MOVIE ‘WITHOUT WARNING’: [CITY EDITION].” Dayton Daily News, Nov 01, 1994. 

(but for real, why is she shaking so much in this promo? [source])

I’m not posting this to make light of any eating disorders. I’m just posting facts about something I remembered vividly as a teenager. 

1.

2.

Calista Flockhart and anorexia. What’s been whispered in the gossip pages and zapped around the Internet for weeks, finally worked its way into a legitimate news report late last week.

One problem: It wasn’t accurate.

Last Friday, CBS’ New York affiliate reported on its 5 p.m. newscast that production on Flockhart’s hit Fox series, Ally McBeal, had been halted “indefinitely” while the waifish actress underwent treatment for the eating disorder anorexia nervosa.

An hour later, the station issued an on-air retort from Flockhart’s publicist: The show was not shut down; its star was not hospitalized. Its star was, in fact, in “good health.” (This, according to a transcript of the broadcast read by a station worker.)

WCBS-TV did not refer to the second report as a retraction, although that’s what Flockhart’s publicists called it. Station news officials could not be reached for comment.

[…]

New York Daily News gossip columnist Mitchell Fink kicked it up a notch two weeks ago, reporting that the skinny thespian had been asked to hide her barely there frame in a bulky sweater for a recent Entertainment Weekly cover shoot.3

Connie Chung has cost NBC’s “Today” a May sweeps interview with Calista Flockhart.

Flockhart, the size 0 star of Fox’s dramedy series “Ally McBeal,” was so upset over the grilling Chung gave her about her weight–or lack thereof–on Wednesday’s edition of ABC’s “20/20” that her publicist insisted that “Today” agree not to ask her any such questions during their interview, which was slated for Monday. Flockhart’s reps had booked the appearance three months ago, the pretext being the May 19 release of her feature film “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” 4

But, as Calista Flockhart nears the end of her second season as the star of ”Ally McBeal,” she has a new perspective on the poking and prodding of the media. ”At first, I took it personally,” she says. ”I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it. But now I’m certainly not shocked by anything they write, and I ignore mostly all of it.”

Flockhart, 34, who will star in the new film version of ”A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” even admits that she appreciates some of the headlines for what they are — entertainment: ”The most outrageous was the one that said that Webster, my dog, was also an anorexic. That is so clever, you have to admit. That’s the thing about the tabloids. They are what they are, and sometimes they are very funny and very clever.” 5

Newspapers began speculating about the actress’ physical fitness after the Emmys; London tabloids wondered whether she might be haunted by her leading role in the 1992 HBO movie The Secret Life of Mary-Margaret: Portrait of a Bulimic. And it’s not just the press. Jay Leno’s writers fashioned an Ally McBeal TV dinner — a tray with a few frozen peas and lima beans. And EW’s Sept. 25, 1998, cover, featuring the star and The Practice’s Dylan McDermott, drew a flood of mail. ”Is Calista Flockhart trying out for the ’90s version of a Karen Carpenter story?” wondered one reader. 6

Q: After reading so much about Calista Flockhart’s supposed anorexia, has anyone ever asked her what she likes to eat? Also, how tall is she? 

A: Ironically, the 5-foot-6 star of Ally McBeal is the daughter of Ronald Flockhart, a quality-control executive for Kraft Foods. As a child, she says, she and her brother Gary ate a lot of the products marketed by her dad’s company. “Generally speaking, I like the kind of food that most people like,” she says. “A filet mignon and salad, for example. And I love vanilla ice cream.” 7

It hardly seems possible but Calista Flockhart, aka Ally McBeal, appears to have lost weight. The actress, whose body now looks to be constructed out of flesh-covered pipe-cleaners, has just had her holiday snaps published in the tabloids accompanied by headlines that purport to be concerned about her size. “Ally, the ocean waif” reads one. “Ally McMeal” quips another. 8

In a June, 1999 Los Angeles magazine cover article, she is pictured eating some sort of cinnamon bun: 

Related: 

Ally McBeal at 20: A Lawyer Went to Court & Everybody Judged - E! Online   [archive]

Portia de Rossi, Ally McBeal, And A Generation Of Eating Disorders[archive]  

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1. Trollinger, Sara, and Mike Yorkey. Unglued & Tattooed: How to Save Your Teen from Raves, Ritalin, Goth, Body Carving, GHB, Sex, and 12 Other Emerging Threats. Washington, D.C: Lifeline Press, 2001.

2. Leone, Daniel A., ed. Anorexia. At Issue. San Diego, CA: Greenhaven Press, 2001.

3. E! Online. “‘Ally McBeal’ Star Dogged by Anorexia Rumors,” October 5, 1998. https://www.eonline.com/news/37104/ally-mcbeal-star-dogged-by-anorexia-rumors.

4. Moraes, Lisa de. “Calista Flockhart, Throwing Her Weight Around.” Washington Post, April 30, 1999. https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/lifestyle/1999/04/30/calista-flockhart-throwing-her-weight-around/86310c98-f845-44cf-8dfb-669c9a76123f/.

5. EW.com. “Calista Flockhart Has a New Reaction to Anorexia Rumors.” April 26, 1999. https://ew.com/article/1999/04/26/calista-flockhart-has-new-reaction-anorexia-rumors/

6. EW.com. “Calista Flockhart: Anorexia Rumors Abound.” October 16, 1998. https://ew.com/article/1998/10/16/calista-flockhart-anorexia-rumors-abound/.

7. Parkyn, John. “WHAT DOES CALISTA LIKE TO EAT?” OrlandoSentinel.com. November 29, 1998. https://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/os-xpm-1998-11-29-9811190423-story.html.

8. Staff, Guardian. “Thin, Thinner, Thinnest.” the Guardian, October 18, 1999. http://www.theguardian.com/world/1999/oct/18/gender.uk2

431. Martin Lawrence’s SNL Monologue (2-19-1994)

Wait, how did I get to this subject? Oh, right I was reading one of the final articles on the SNL a Day Blog. In the farewell post, Martin Lawrence’s notorious SNL monologue was listed as one of the items that the author overrated upon his original viewing. For the record, he originally gave the monologue 1 ½ stars. I was trying to remember what Martin had said that was so controversial…something about him lecturing women about their dirty private parts?

No, it’s far worse.

(Because the SNL stage during the “Saturday Night Dead” period in the show’s history is the perfect place to voice your opinion on feminine hygiene.)

The best copy I found of the episode is on archive.org. The episode starts out with Rob Schneider playing Jeff Gillooly!

Martin enters the studio with a phrase I say to myself all the time:

He starts out with a lame bit about Lorena and John Bobbitt. He uses the strangest term I’ve ever heard for male genitalia: pilly-packers. I know he’s trying to get around the censors, and he said at the beginning that they’re on him a lot these days, but pilly-packers?

He makes up a story about a brother finding the penis, and putting it on a snow-cone to preserve it:

And he thought, and he said “what would a white man do, what would a white man do?” You know, and the first thing came to the brother’s head was get it on ice, you know. So he saw an ice cream truck, you know, threw the pilly-packer on some sno-cones, you know. It scares me so bad I don’t go to bed without a Nutty Buddy by my side, y’all.

I had forgotten how it was really found, so I looked it up, and turns out the cops did put it on ice … and put it in a big bite hot dog box. really?

Let me prepare you for what happens next, when this episode later aired in repeatsthis pops up after the Bobbitt bit:

But if you were watching on the East Coast, the night it aired, this is what you got:

(source)

Something else concerns me and it hurts, see I’m, I’m single, I’m a single man, I don’t have nobody, I’m looking for somebody and- but I’m meeting a lot of women out there, and you got some beautiful women, but you got some out there that, uh, I gotta say somethin’. Um… some of you are not washing your ass properly.* (laughter & applause) OK? Don’t- don’t get me wrong, not all, some of you, you know what I’m sayin’, uh… I’m sorry, ‘Cause uh, listen, now, I don’t know what it is a woman got to do to keep up the hygiene on the body I know, uh, I’m watching douche commercials on television, and I’m wonderin’ if some of you are reading the instructions. I don’t think so. Y’know, ’cause I’m getting with some of the ladies, smelling odors, going “Wait a minute. (gestures with index finger) Girl, smell this! This you! Smell yourself, girl.

Smell yourself! I tell a woman in a minute, douche! douche! Some women don’t like when you tell them that, when you straightforward with them. “Douche!” They, (imitating woman) “Forget you! You cannot douche all the time, you’re gonna wash all the natural juices out the body.”

I say, well, I don’t give a damn what you do, put a Tic-Tac in your ass. Put a Cert in your ass. Oh, oh, y’know, this look like a good damn place for a Stick-up up in your ass.

I’m sorry, y’all. You got to wash properly. You know, and then, you know, ’cause I’m a man, I like to kiss on women, you know, I like to kiss all over their bodies, you know. But if you’re not clean in your proper areas I can’t… you know… kiss all over the places I wanna kiss. You know, some women’ll let you go down, you know what I’m sayin’, knowin’ they got a yeast infection. (Some audience disgust) I’m sorry. Sorry. Come up with dough all on your damn lip… Got a bagel and a croissant on your lip. “Anybody got any butter?” I like jelly on mine.

—

I love that the transcriber put “some audience disgust”. When Martin said, “Yeast infection”, this one lady definitely yelled out, “EW!”

Welp, the calls started coming in on the East Coast. 117 complaints 1. Speaking of which, who calls who when they want to complain? The local channel? the FCC? Martin did the hygiene routine in dress rehearsal, telling the audience that he knew he couldn’t do it live. 3 Well, he did it anyway.

On the West Coast, parts were silenced out 3. Here is a post from 1994 to the alt.snl.tv newsgroup:

In the aftermath, Martin’s appearance on the Tonight Show later on that week was canceled, much to the objection of host Jay Leno. 2

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1. AP NEWS. “NBC Official Apologizes to Affiliates for ‘Saturday Night Live’ Gaffes.” Accessed April 18, 2021. https://apnews.com/article/ae84c412a4639129423fa1e5e8a3d4e1.

2. “Martin Lawrence: Dr. Dirt or Mr. Clean? : Barred by NBC, He’s Generally Blue on Stage but Not on TV.” Los Angeles Times, March 8, 1994. https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1994-03-08-ca-31550-story.html,https://archive.is/Z5Wks#selection-1991.9-2004.0

3. Mink, Eric. “NBC Says `SNL’ Host Broke Promises on Monologue.” Tulsa World. Accessed April 18, 2021. https://tulsaworld.com/archive/nbc-says-snl-host-broke-promises-on-monologue/article_486f1b9c-6d60-5a44-933e-4b96d3f218f3.html.