#these twilight moments
No. 16 - ON A NEED TO KNOW BASIS
recovery | scars | aftermath
It was strange, living with Fao. No longer living at, or sofa surfing from house to house, but with. He got to spend the early mornings in someone’s arms. Loved. Late nights were spent under the covers and added the fire to their relationship. He wasn’t knocking it, it was the best he’d had, if he was being honest, but there were different ways to be intimate.
Laying with Fao was the best part of being off shift, but it was rare they both had the same days off. It just made it more special, and Harrison was determined not to waste it.
He rolled over, gently shifting Fao’s hand from his waist. His boyfriend was still asleep, his hair over his face slightly. He watched him for a little while, until he decided he was being far too creepy, and tucked himself in Fao’s arms. His hand rested across Fao’s chest, his fingers hovering over the scars there. The scars he’d made. He swallowed thickly. Of course, not all of them were his, he knew that, but knew the other scars had an even worse story behind them.
Fao stirred after a few moments, stretching out and humming at the sight of his boyfriend curled up next to him.
“Mornin’.” He said, voice rough with sleep.
“Sorry.” He pulled back. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Mm, it’s ‘kay.”
“Did you want breakfast? I can go make something?” He offered.
“You mean burn something? Jus’ stay?” He murmured. “I like laying here wit’ you.”
He relaxed back down, easily persuaded by Fao. “Alright.”
“What’re you doin’ up?” Fao murmured. “Thought you wanted to sleep in.”
“Just needed to move. Had been in the same position too long.”
“Mmm. You’re warm.”
“So are you.”
Fao stretched out, getting comfortable beside his boyfriend.
“It’s nice.” Hars said softly. “Not having to get up.”
“Yeah.” Fao breathed. “Really is.”
Harrison traced patterns across Fao’s chest. “I wish we could stay like this all the time.”
Harrison’s fingers left goosebumps on Fao’s skin. “You’d miss work too much.”
“Nah. It would be worth it.”
“Mm? I dunno.”
“You prefer work to me?”
“You’re at work, to be fair.”
He hummed. “Good save.”
“‘m smart.”
“Sure you are.” He stretched to kiss Fao, balancing himself on his elbow.
Fao smiled into the kiss, tilting his head up to his boyfriend.
“It’s a good job you’re cute.” He breathed.
“Yeah?”
“You could get away with murder and I’d still be here.”
“Am not planning on murder.”
“Glad to hear it.” He laughed quietly.
“Not today, anyway.”
“I’m sorry.” Harrison said softly, almost to himself.
“What for?”
“All of these.” He murmured, his fingers finally tracing the scars.
“Why?”
“I made these.”
“Saved my life, Tomcat.”
He shook his head, swallowing against the lump in his throat. It was easier for Fao; he’d not had to hold his best friend’s heart in his hands.
“I know it’s hard.” He said gently. “But you went above and beyond for me, and I really appreciate it. The scar just reminds me of all that you did.”
“You don’t get it.”
“I can’t even imagine what you went through…”
He cleared his throat, sitting up and turning away. Fao didn’t need his emotions tied to his scars, he’d been through enough without Harrison adding to it.
Fao whined. “Hey, come back.” He reached out for his boyfriend, pushing the duvet back.
“I’m just going to get up, get dressed.” He said, his voice wavering.
Fao sat up, wrapping his arms around Harrison. “I’m sorry.”
He shrugged his way out of Fao’s grip. “It’s fine.”
“No, come on.”
“It’s fine.” He said firmly.
“If it’s fine, come back to bed.” He said. “I’m sorry about my scars.”
“They’re not your fault.”
“And they’re not yours either.”
He scoffed. “I made them.”
“You did what you had to do.” He murmured carefully. “The same way the ortho who fixed my hip did. The scar is a means to an end. Hell, it’s decently neat, too.”
He managed a tiny laugh. “Neat wasn’t exactly on my to-do list.”
“Managed it. Though you didn’t close, so you can’t take all the credit.”
“Guess they did all the hard work.”
“No, you did. I owe you my life, Hars. I know what you did was impossible, felt impossible, but that scar jus’ reminds me I have people who care.”
He shifted to face Fao. “It would have been impossible losing you.”
“And you didn’t.”
“Icouldn’t.”
“And I’m still here.”
“I’m glad.”
“Please don’t beat yourself up about my scars, Tomcat.”
“I’m always going to.”
Fao put his arm around Harrison again, shifting to move closer to him. His fingers brushed over his scars and he made a noise. “I know. And I hate that I wasn’t there to help you, but…” His voice caught. “But we’re both still here.”
He swallowed thickly, leaning into Fao. “I couldn’t lose you. I can’t.”
No. 10 - OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN
hospital | flare-up | ice chips
Harrison normally loved the busier shifts. They kept his mind occupied, which was only a bonus. The hard work often meant he’d fall into bed and go straight to sleep. But today was different.
He’d woken up in the middle of the night with cramps down his thigh, which took an age to settle. By the time they’d worn off, it had been time to get up for work, which had been less than ideal.
With an hour left of his shift, he was really struggling. He’d already snapped at two other nurses, threatened to punch Finn, and downed as many painkillers as he could. He’d disappeared to the toilets to check on his prosthesis on more than one occasion, just to make sure it wasn’t rubbing. Or pouring with blood as it felt. Every step sent a stab of pain through his foot and calf, even though they were no longer there. It made it worse than the actual pain, knowing there was nothing he could do to fix it.
Broken bones? Easy. Heart attacks? Not a problem. Phantom pain? He was fucked.
Back at the nurses station, he groaned, dropping his head into the keyboard. His pile of patients was only growing, and they just seemed to be getting more and more daft. He didn’t have the patience.
Fao was leaning against the nurse’s station, writing a set of notes when Harrison sat down with a groan. It was unmistakably his friend, one of the nurses had said he was having a bad day. He looked like it, too.
He shoved his pen into his bun and looked up.
“You alright, Tomcat?”
“I’ve got no more room.” He answered from the keyboard. “If you want a patient brought in, move them out of the ED first.”
“My patients are fine. Was asking after you, dumbass.”
“I’m fine.”
“You look it. Just really love that keyboard, eh?”
He pushed himself up, spinning on his chair. “What do you want?”
“Was just wondering if you were alright, given how you just assaulted that keyboard.”
He ran his hand through his hair as he looked at the screen. “Just notes.”
“Anything I can help with?”
“Can do all my patients.”
“Gonna be hard if I’ve not seen them.”
“You can do that too.” He said with a grimace.
“Thought you might say that. When do you finish?”
“Another hour at least.”
“Could be worse. You’ll be in handover soon. Need anything? Water? Coffee?”
He looked up at Fao. “You know exactly what I want.”
Fao softened. “I know, I know. Anything else, though? Sugar, maybe?”
“No, I’m alright. Thanks.”
“Are you gonna go out when you finish, or…?”
“I’ll get a taxi if I do.”
“Look after yourself, yeah?”
“Are you going to stand there and interrogate me, or are you going to let me work?”
Fao ducked his head. “I’ll let you work, sorry.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” He snapped.
Fao went back to his notes after that, pulling his pen out of his bun and starting to write again.
Harrison swore at him under his breath, and actually tried to do some work. It didn’t take long before he was called away, though, and he could have cried. He struggled to his feet, biting hard on his lip to stop himself crying out in pain.
Fao frowned at his friend, the way he was obviously in pain as he stood. He didn’t know whether or not to say anything, so settled with speaking to one of the nurses he knew quite well, asking her if she’d give Harrison a hand if she could. He knew he’d probably just get help thrown back in his face if he tried.
He put a brave face on while he saw to the patient, but as soon as they were moved back to the waiting room, his facade snapped. It was so obvious to him that Fao had sent the nurse after him, knowing that he wouldn’t speak to her the same as he would Fao. He assured her he was fine, forced another smile and gave an excuse about needing the toilet again. With one hand steadying himself on the wall, he headed to the changing room, just desperate for five minutes of peace.
Fao couldn’t watch him struggle like that. It genuinely looked like if he took his hand off of the wall, he’d fall over. He’d finished his notes, and had been reading a radiology report when he decided he couldn’t stand by and watch Harrison suffer. He caught up to him in a few easy strides, and stood in front of him.
“What do you need to make things easier?” He asked, voice low. “I’m not stupid enough to try and send you home, but you need something to help, Tomcat.”
He wasn’t surprised Fao had stuck his nose where he wasn’t wanted and he frowned at him. “Just leave me alone.”
“Come on, why don’t we go and sit down?” He said, unfazed. They weren’t far from the changing room.
“Where do you think I was going?” He snapped. “Let me get on with it.”
Fao raised an eyebrow, but moved to let him into the changing room. He followed him in, obviously, and sat down. “Talk to me?”
“I just need five minutes, Fao. Give me the space.”
“I’m worried about you, Tomcat.” He said gently. “What’s wrong?”
“Right now? The fact you won’t leave me alone!”
“Is it your leg? Prosthesis rubbing?”
“You, being a dick.”
“Come on, that’s not fair. You looked like the wall was holding you up. Looked worse than me on a bad day, hmm?”
“Fao, please. I just need five minutes.”
“I just want to help.”
“You can’t. I just need five minutes. Please.”
“Not even a hug?”
He scoffed, though it quickly broke into a sob. He didn’t need Fao being nice to him, he didn’t need any of the pity. He dropped his head to his hands, trying to cover his mouth to stop the sounds.
“Oh come here, you daft shite.” Fao said, looping his arm around his shoulders. “It’s alright.”
Harrison collapsed into him, his chest heaving. He’d tried to stay strong, to just ignore it and get on with work, but the pain had just become unbearable. It made it worse that there wasn’t anything he could do for it, that it wasn’t even real.
“It’s okay, I’ve got you. You’re alright.” Fao soothed.
“I’m sorry.” He said quietly between tears.
“Don’t be sorry. You don’t need to be sorry.”
“It won’t stop.”
“Phantom?”
He nodded into Fao’s chest. “Since last night.”
“How can I help?”
“You can’t. Nothing does.”
“What about something like TENS?”
“Haven’t got one.”
“Pain management have a stash, I know where it is. Or we can just sit here and feel miserable, if that’s what you wanna do. Don’t always have to have a solution.”
“I thought I was over this.”
“These things come and go.” He said gently. “You’ll have good days and bad days.”
“I was better.” He looked up at Fao. “I’ve been trying. I don’t deserve this.”
“I know. You don’t deserve any of it. But the nerves are all screwy in that leg and it’s gonna happen. It will ease.”
“I’ve still got patients to see.”
“Let’s just worry about you, first. You’re no good to patients if you’re in this much pain.”
“I’ve got to work, I can’t just stop.”
Fao hummed. “I get that. But could you cope if a major trauma came in right now?”
“I’d have to.”
“You’re in no fit state.”
“I’m fine.”
“You need to go home.”
“I’m nearly finished.”
“All the more reason to call it a day.”
“Fao, please.”
“Come on, you know you can’t work like this.”
“I’ve done all shift like this.” He pulled back from Fao, rubbing his thigh.
Fao rested his hand on Harrison’s thigh. “You need to stop, yeah? You’re not going to make this any better by pushing on through. Take your leg off, and go home.”
“It doesn’t make it any better!”
“Is it worth a try?”
“No.”
“Alright.”
He rubbed his face. “I just need to finish this shift.”
“I’m here if you need anything, yeah?”
With a heavy sigh, he nodded. “Yeah.”
No. 26 COMFORT (Alt. 8)
It was flu season, and despite vaccinations and precautions, Harrison had managed to catch it. Work was bad enough with pressures, but after a few days struggling through, he had to give in and rest. Fao’s place was the natural decision, and it allowed his boyfriend to look after him too.
Fao was only too happy to look after Harrison. He’d helped him out when he’d been ill not long ago, and he was just glad that his boyfriend had admitted he needed time to rest. He welcomed him inside, shepherding him into the warm.
“Hey, tomcat.”
Harrison pouted. “Bed?”
“Yeah, bed. I’m gonna make soup.”
He gave his boyfriend a grateful smile. “Thanks.”
“And hot chocolate, if you want it. Go on up, I’ll be up in a minute. Arrow’s waiting to keep you company.”
“Thank you.” He called back downstairs, voice rough.
“Anything for you, Tomcat.” Fao replied, heading into the kitchen whilst his boyfriend got settled. He started the soup off, leaving it to simmer away for a few hours, and then made a hot chocolate to bring up. It always made him feel better, and it was the least he could do.
Harrison had made himself at home under the duvet, wrapped tightly around him and Arrow. He was wrapped around the dog, trying to keep warm.
Fao pushed the door open with his foot. “Hars? I’ve got you hot chocolate.” He said softly as he slipped inside. “If you can escape your duvet cocoon.”
“A straw and then I don’t need to move.”
“You’ll get too hot if you stay under there.”
“Don’t start that bullshit. I’m freezing.”
“When did you last have meds?”
“An hour ago?”
“Will have to wait a bit then.” Fao murmured, and put the mug down on the bedside table before he moved to lay with Harrison.
“You’ll get sick too.” He protested weakly as he curled into Fao.
“I’ll be alright.”
“I don’t want you to be ill.”
“I’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.”
Harrison made a quiet noise in protest, but Fao was warm and he was too comfortable to move.
“Just let me look after you, eh?”
“Why do you think I’m here?”
“True.”
“I feel absolutely shite.”
Fao ran a hand through Harrison’s hair. “I know. You feel really warm.”
“I like that.” He murmured. “Don’t stop.”
“Yeah?”
He hummed happily. “Yeah.”
“I won’t stop, then.”
“Good.”
“You’re cute when you’re ill.”
“I’m not cute. I feel like I’m dying.”
“Nah, you’re cute. Because you’re all snuggly.”
“I’m ”snuggly“ because you’re warm.”
“You’re cute.”
“I’m not.”
Fao moved to press a kiss to the top of Harrison’s head. “Mm, you keep telling yourself that.”
He sniffed, and then let out a low groan. “I will.”
“Your hot chocolate is on the side.”
“I’ll have a drink and then I’m gonna nap.”
“Napping is good. Just didn’t want it to get cold.”
“Then it would be cold chocolate.”
“Not the same, eh?”
“No.” He shook his head. “Marshmallows?”
“Yeah, put some little ones in there.”
That swung it and he slowly pushed himself upright. He groaned at the change of position, nausea rising. He took a few moments to breathe before reaching for the mug.
“Thanks, Fao.”
“Anything for you.”
“Sap.”
“Yeah, I know.”
Harrison drank the chocolate, savouring the marshmallows. Fao had always made the best hot chocolate, even when they used the same packet. He settled down to sleep after that, curled on Fao and as content as he could be.
Fao stroked through Harrison’s hair as he drifted off to sleep, glad his boyfriend was resting. God knows he needed it. If he was honest, he drifted off after a while too, warm and comfy with nothing better to do.
When Harrison woke, he felt infinitely worse. His hair was plastered to his forehead, but he was freezing cold. His body ached and burned, and the pain in his head was crushing. He pressed closer to Fao.
Fao stirred, aware Harrison was burning hot against him. “Hey, Tomcat. You alright?”
He shook his head, already in tears. “No.”
“Hey, hey. Don’t cry.” Fao said gently. “It’s alright, I know you feel rotten.”
“I’m dying.” He wasn’t exaggerating.
“I know it feels like that.” Again, Fao ran his hand through Harrison’s hair, unbothered by how sweaty it was. “I’ve got you. You’re gonna be alright.”
Harrison shook his head, making his way further on top of Fao. “Don’t leave me.”
“I’m right here, I’ve got you.”
“Stay.”
“I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I’m here.”
He nodded. That was good enough. He was too tired to argue any more, and slowly lost the fight keeping himself awake. He pressed closer to Fao again, fast asleep.
