#scarred
So, when I was about 8 or 9 years old, I once went to this dentist by where I live. Now, as a kid, I didn’t have the best oral health, so I was going in for a root canal. I had been to this dentist before for fillings and cleanings and stuff, but on that particular day, my dentist was out of town, so I got a different one. Now I go in and sit down, she introduces herself, whatever, that whole thing. After that, she gives me the novacaine, which is one of the parts only because of the damn needle they have to shove in your damn mouth. So it starts to make my mouth numb as usual, only this time something was a little off. I noticed that I could still feel the area around my tooth she would be working on. I tried to tell her, but she waved me off saying that I was imagining it. Then the drill came out. She told me that if I felt any pain to raise my hand, and that’s what I did almost as soon as she started drilling. And I shit you not, she put my hand down and told me that I shouldn’t be feeling it, and to stop lying. It is, to this day, the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. Pure, unrelenting, pain. The thing was too, that she didn’t even finish, they had to the rest of it another time. From that point on, I LOATHED going to the dentist, and I still flinch whenever I hear that damn high pitched drill noise. So yeah, fuck that dentist chick.
No. 16 - ON A NEED TO KNOW BASIS
recovery | scars | aftermath
It was strange, living with Fao. No longer living at, or sofa surfing from house to house, but with. He got to spend the early mornings in someone’s arms. Loved. Late nights were spent under the covers and added the fire to their relationship. He wasn’t knocking it, it was the best he’d had, if he was being honest, but there were different ways to be intimate.
Laying with Fao was the best part of being off shift, but it was rare they both had the same days off. It just made it more special, and Harrison was determined not to waste it.
He rolled over, gently shifting Fao’s hand from his waist. His boyfriend was still asleep, his hair over his face slightly. He watched him for a little while, until he decided he was being far too creepy, and tucked himself in Fao’s arms. His hand rested across Fao’s chest, his fingers hovering over the scars there. The scars he’d made. He swallowed thickly. Of course, not all of them were his, he knew that, but knew the other scars had an even worse story behind them.
Fao stirred after a few moments, stretching out and humming at the sight of his boyfriend curled up next to him.
“Mornin’.” He said, voice rough with sleep.
“Sorry.” He pulled back. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Mm, it’s ‘kay.”
“Did you want breakfast? I can go make something?” He offered.
“You mean burn something? Jus’ stay?” He murmured. “I like laying here wit’ you.”
He relaxed back down, easily persuaded by Fao. “Alright.”
“What’re you doin’ up?” Fao murmured. “Thought you wanted to sleep in.”
“Just needed to move. Had been in the same position too long.”
“Mmm. You’re warm.”
“So are you.”
Fao stretched out, getting comfortable beside his boyfriend.
“It’s nice.” Hars said softly. “Not having to get up.”
“Yeah.” Fao breathed. “Really is.”
Harrison traced patterns across Fao’s chest. “I wish we could stay like this all the time.”
Harrison’s fingers left goosebumps on Fao’s skin. “You’d miss work too much.”
“Nah. It would be worth it.”
“Mm? I dunno.”
“You prefer work to me?”
“You’re at work, to be fair.”
He hummed. “Good save.”
“‘m smart.”
“Sure you are.” He stretched to kiss Fao, balancing himself on his elbow.
Fao smiled into the kiss, tilting his head up to his boyfriend.
“It’s a good job you’re cute.” He breathed.
“Yeah?”
“You could get away with murder and I’d still be here.”
“Am not planning on murder.”
“Glad to hear it.” He laughed quietly.
“Not today, anyway.”
“I’m sorry.” Harrison said softly, almost to himself.
“What for?”
“All of these.” He murmured, his fingers finally tracing the scars.
“Why?”
“I made these.”
“Saved my life, Tomcat.”
He shook his head, swallowing against the lump in his throat. It was easier for Fao; he’d not had to hold his best friend’s heart in his hands.
“I know it’s hard.” He said gently. “But you went above and beyond for me, and I really appreciate it. The scar just reminds me of all that you did.”
“You don’t get it.”
“I can’t even imagine what you went through…”
He cleared his throat, sitting up and turning away. Fao didn’t need his emotions tied to his scars, he’d been through enough without Harrison adding to it.
Fao whined. “Hey, come back.” He reached out for his boyfriend, pushing the duvet back.
“I’m just going to get up, get dressed.” He said, his voice wavering.
Fao sat up, wrapping his arms around Harrison. “I’m sorry.”
He shrugged his way out of Fao’s grip. “It’s fine.”
“No, come on.”
“It’s fine.” He said firmly.
“If it’s fine, come back to bed.” He said. “I’m sorry about my scars.”
“They’re not your fault.”
“And they’re not yours either.”
He scoffed. “I made them.”
“You did what you had to do.” He murmured carefully. “The same way the ortho who fixed my hip did. The scar is a means to an end. Hell, it’s decently neat, too.”
He managed a tiny laugh. “Neat wasn’t exactly on my to-do list.”
“Managed it. Though you didn’t close, so you can’t take all the credit.”
“Guess they did all the hard work.”
“No, you did. I owe you my life, Hars. I know what you did was impossible, felt impossible, but that scar jus’ reminds me I have people who care.”
He shifted to face Fao. “It would have been impossible losing you.”
“And you didn’t.”
“Icouldn’t.”
“And I’m still here.”
“I’m glad.”
“Please don’t beat yourself up about my scars, Tomcat.”
“I’m always going to.”
Fao put his arm around Harrison again, shifting to move closer to him. His fingers brushed over his scars and he made a noise. “I know. And I hate that I wasn’t there to help you, but…” His voice caught. “But we’re both still here.”
He swallowed thickly, leaning into Fao. “I couldn’t lose you. I can’t.”
I could sit here and write hundreds of pages about how much I loved you, I could sit here and write hundreds of pages about how much I missed you, I could sit here and write thousands of pages about how much you hurt me. But instead I am going to sit here and write to you, about how big of a mistake you made when you decided to take my heart and leave, and why the reasoning as to why you left me was so unbelievable I am afraid to love again.
We dated for almost a year; even though it felt like I had known you my whole life. You stole my heart one cold December night, the best, yet now, the worst night of my life. You told me that you loved me fast into our relationship. And I believed you, because you sometimes would cry to me late at night about how lucky you were to have me and how you could not believe how much your heart loved mine. You kissed my lips with such passion that every other guys kiss feels like poison… Their lips are not yours. You would surprise me late at night picking me up and twirling me around in your uniform.. I always stayed missing you so much. I loved it when you came back home to me after being away for a long time. My heart craved yours everyday. You corrupted my middle name. You were the only one that every called me that. Now when I hear it I can hear your voice saying it. It was always at the end of “I love you”. Long story short, I have memories with you that will never leave my mind. I loved you, god how much I loved you. Yet, one day you called me and told me that I told you I love you too much.. I don’t know why that would make you no longer love me.. You told me that I was a “vicious cycle” because I constantly needed to be reminded that you were never leaving me.. Yet, you should have understood that I only would ask you that because I loved you so much I never wanted to live without you. You yelled at me because I loved you.. You no longer loved me because I loved you? Well the next morning I woke up expecting to see you, that maybe if we just talked in person and you hugged me that you would understand how much you truly do love me. Well you texted me the next morning telling me that you love me so much “I really love you”, though a few moments later you informed me that you haven’t loved me in nine months, that I know longer make you happy, and you couldn’t put up with me anymore, but my love, all I ever did was love you. All I ever did was love you, and wait until I could kiss your lips again. How can you cry about how much you loved me seven months into our relationship , yet you haven’t loved me in nine? Well my heart had to learn how to beat on its own again when you left, and it still isn’t back to its self, I miss that heart so much. It felt so warm, so loved. I found out a week after you left me that you already had another girlfriend and about how much you lied to me during our relationship. A part of me wonders why you left me for her, because well, you left me for her. You made the biggest mistake leaving me because nobody will ever love you as much as my soul loved yours. I truly hope that you realize that one day. But my heart wants to know , my heart craves to know every single day did you really never love me? Did you lie for 10 months about loving me? How did you do that? I know you loved me…I could tell, I swear that I could see the love you had for me in your eyes. I felt so much love from you. So did you really never love me? You held me when I cried and you swore you’d never leave me, yet you never loved me? I guess ill never know but that question will always haunt me. I really hope, I really hoped that you loved me. Because your love is what made me. And lastly though, my love, I am so sorry that I loved you so much it made you feel as though you had to leave,, I’ll never understand your reasoning.
Now my heart will never trust that someone loves me.
You’re like a nightmare
No matter how much I try not to think about you, I do so more
You’re like a ghost
You aren’t here but your remains haunt me
You’re like a disease coming back to infect me over and over
I’m suffering because of you
Because of what you did
I’m haunted by the thought of you
Filled to the brim with fear and anxiety towards you
Thinking of you, whether past or unlikely future, makes me anxious
And I can’t stop
As though my anxiety, my fear towards you is like a drug
I keep coming back for more
I will never feel or be okay with what you did to me
I will never forget what you did or how I felt during
You left a scar that will never go away
And I’m okay with that…
But I’m not
I’m not okay with the constant reminders
I’m not okay seeing pictures of you, even your name
I’m not okay being subconsciously reminded of you,
Thinking of coming across you and being filled with anxiety when and if I do
I’m not okay because you made me not okay
I want to be okay, I want to be more than okay
Why can’t I be okay?
Why do I feel chained, haunted by you?
I just want to be free of these chains
Let me break free, please
-D.S.
3/31/19 and 4/1/19
