Resentment and Ignorance

feat tsukishima!

tw: tsukki has a mental breakdown

ie. a tsundere actually showing emotion for once

many big kisses and humungous thank yous to the beautiful @aliensknowmyillusionsfor helping me with the ending<3

word count under cut- 852

loosely based on ‘Pierre’ from 'Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812’

As Tsukishima neared your house, he found himself practising his nervous habits more. He caught himself using his own fingers as fiddle toys, letting out a soft sigh before his knuckles gave three curt knocks on your door. After a moment of stillness, he tries again, silently begging for access. Defeatedly, he storms in, hesitant feet dragging him along the hallways which he knew so well. He rushes up the stairs urgently, navigating to the room in which he found most comfort in. Bursting in, he saw you sat atop your bed, staring at your phone as though it had just presented you bad with news. Cocking an eyebrow, he places a hand on his hip, sharp eyes boring into you.

You swiftly turn your head to face him, cheeks heating up at the speed of his heavy breathing and the butterflies which had erupted in your stomach after seeing him. No, you refused to feel such childish feelings. He had taken it too far, your resolve would never break. Petty as it may be, Tsukishima Kei was not deserving of your attention today.

“Why are you ignoring me?” he questioned accusingly, causing you to scoff and shake your head. That had sealed it- he couldn’t even recognise what he had done.

“Y/n? Really? When did you become so childish?!” he sneers down at you, acutely aware of the advantages which his height brings him, exaggerated by you being sat down. His broad and tall stature caused you to fault slightly, tone and words proving detrimental to your mindset right now.

“So first, you call me clingy, then you can’t take the hint to leave me alone?!” your sudden outburst had made him stumble backwards, features not shy of his taken aback nature. It was in his person to be mean to the people he wanted to keep closest, not knowing how to accept compliments and receive love, nor affection. He often found himself beating him up for it, and there wasn’t a day that passed by where he didn’t wish he could be more open about his feelings for people, especially for you.

He had become a pro at concealing his true feelings, his true feelings which were actually a lot more soft than he’d let on, a fact known only to his intimates.

“Its dawned on me that I can’t go on living as I am. I used to be better… I know it’s my fault that I let these situations get away from me, its just so hard sometimes. Right now, my friends fight and bleed in their own wars, and yet I stand idly by, abandoned to distraction. And everyday, I hate myself for it.” You couldn’t help the daunting shock that spills over your face.

“I hate not being able to show my emotions like a normal person. Why can’t I just be normal?” this was seemingly his breaking point, as his face seemed to almost soften, tears beginning to streak down his pale cheeks.

“Whycan’t I just emote normally, all I want is to be empty and stupid and contempt. I just want to be satisfied with my place, but it’s never enough, I’m never enough.” you were about to object, but he didn’t leave you any room. You sighed, supposing he needed this.

“Why can’t I be like merry, stupid little Hinata, wearing my emotions on my sleeve. Why do I have to be so different?!” by this point, his voice had raised a few notches, before he occupied the space on your bed next to you, resting his head on your shoulder.

You turn your body to face him, wrapping your arms around his shoulders and bringing his face to the crook of your neck as to run your fingers deftly through his hair. You felt his tears wet you, but you brushed it off, debating what approach to use on the emotionally unstable tsundere.

“Tsukki I- … they struggle too. There is no normal way to emote, because there is no normal way to be. We’re all different, of course the way in which we showcase our feelings is gonna be a representation of that. Why can’t you just see that you being so different is what makes me love you?” you spoke so softly, and with his lack of reactions, you were afraid he hadn’t heard any of that at all. Yet slowly but surely, he begins to lift his head, posture which had been ruined in seek of your comfort fixing up a bit.

The meek and timid look on his face is one you will forever consider one of your favourites.

Tsukishima blinks at your declaration. You what? He didn’t even know how to comprehend that, he never thought he’d have a chance with someone like you. You were, well, you. And he was, to put it lightly, horrible. He blinks feverishly at you, eyes brimmed with hope.

You enjoyed that look, too. It made you feel strangely proud, with him gazing down at you as though you were his whole world.

In Tsukishima’s mind, it wasn’t far off.

Regret

Tsukishima x Fem!Reader

Warnings: cheating, angst (but with happy ending for Y/N)

Synopsis: In which Tsukishima made a mistake he will regret for the rest of his life.

It had been so long when that fateful night happened. The night when you caught Tsukishima, your fiancé of three years, sleeping on your shared bed with another woman. Tsukishima can never forget the morbid look etched onto your face, the way your tears fell from those beautiful eyes he so loved or even the way you slipped your engagement ring and threw it on his face. He would never forget as long as he lives. He wondered, back then, if he didn’t took you for granted, if he didn’t spend his time that night drinking with another woman, while you, his fiancée was working your ass out on your internship, would it be you who’s with him as of present? Would it be you embracing him? A lot of questions, regrets flooded his mind, because after all those years, he still believes you’re his “the one”, but he fucked up big time.

The night it happened was when you were out late due to your internship, it was raining hard the moment you went out of the building. You were so worried why Tsukishima never replied to your texts nor chats saying that you will be going home late instead of going home the next day. You hurriedly went home, but the moment you opened the front door, a pair of heels that definitely did not belong to you greeted you. Trembling, you slowly walked towards the bedroom, the sight that unfolded in front of your eyes made you gasp which startled the two naked person sleeping on the bed. Tsukishima’s eyes went wide the moment it landed on your shocked state. A shiver ran down his spine as he hurriedly stood up and plucked his clothes from the floor and started to run after you. “Y/N wait! I-I can explain!” yet a loud slap was your only response and you harshly pulled the ring from your finger and threw it on his face. Tears won’t stop falling from your eyes as you ran back outside to the cold rain. Your hands were still shaking when you pulled out your phone and called someone. “H-Hello? C-Can you please pick me up?”

It had been a week after you left, your cousin, Bokuto came to pack your things. Despite Bokuto being a big ball of sunshine, he tried his hardest not to punch Tsukishima the moment he opened the door and let him in. When Tsukki asked him where you were, all he got was a death glare as Bokuto said, “Why the hell would you care?”. After packing your things, Bokuto left and Tsukishima stood by the door clenching his fist over the engagement ring you once wore in his jacket pocket. Tsukishima wondered where you were or how were you but you blocked him in all your social media accounts, even told all your friends not to tell him where you were or who you are with. You just want to cut all ties with him.

What happened that night was a one time thing yet Taukki exchanged it for something he could have for the rest of his life. He truly loved you, but he missed your warmth, your embrace, your touch, you. What he could have was a forever with you but he lost it in a blink of an eye just because he can’t keep it in his pants. He could’ve fought for you, beg you to comeback and forgive him, yet four months later after the dreadful incident, his mistress showed up telling him she was pregnant with his child. He felt his world suddenly stopped, it was over for him, it was over for the both of you. Although he dreamed of this to happen but not with this woman, he wanted you. He wanted you to bear his children, he wanted to build a family with you, not with someone whom he never truly loved.

And as Tsukishima’s world crumbled at his feet, yours on the other hand, starts anew. With the help of your dear cousin and his best friend, you were slowly picking up yourself and putting back your broken pieces altogether. Bokuto and Akaashi were there to be your emotional support. They were present at times when you were blaming yourself for what happened, telling you that you didn’t do anything wrong. Proving to you that you were more than enough and that Tsukishima was an asshole who took you for granted. He was blind to see that the most perfect person for him was already in front of his eyes yet he chose to cheat on you, to hurt you and to break you. But with Bokuto and Akaashi by your side, you slowly accepted the fact that whatever was in between you and Tsukishima was over. And it was time to forget and move forward. They never left you, in smiles or in tears they were there for you. They never let you feel alone or unloved. They were sure to put you back on your feet. “Kou, do you think I could… Y-you know…” you trailed off. “If you could love again?” Bokuto finishes what you were trying to say. “Y-yeah..” you shyly admitted. Bokuto beamed at you in response. “Of course!” He shook your shoulders enthusiastically, “Well, you know Y/N, I do believe that there is someone meant for each of us!” He states, discreetly eyeing his raven head friend from across the room. “You juat have to open your eyes and your heart. Maybe the one for your is just around the corner!” And you believe everything he said.

Five years later, Tsukishima’s life was a mess, living with a woman whom he only shares a child with was not what he dreamed of. He never truly loved the woman he ended up with. And despite his life being a mess, he cared so much about his lovely daughter, who became his light and the rock that grounded him. But even at that point he couldn’t stop thinking what would it feel if you were the mother of the child he loved so much. “Kei something came for you this morning.” His wife called as she handed him an elegant looking envelope. “I think its an invitation by the looks of it.” she added. Tsukishima put his sleeping daughter gently on the bed and took the envelope from his wife. Its an invitation, as a matter of fact, it was an invitation to Bokuto’s engagement party next week. A thought crossed his mind, would you be there too? It had been so long since he heard anything about you. There’s one way to find out.

The party was lavish. After all it was an engagement party of one of the famous pro-volleyball athletes . Everyone were on their best tuxedos and dresses. Tsukki spotted Bokuto on the other side of the hall, greeting some of the guests with his soon-to-be bride by his side. He scans the event hall, hoping to find you, and as he was about to turn, there you were standing, looking like a goddess of Olympus as you talked to Yamaguchi. His body moved before his mind could process everything and he started walking towards you, startling his wife who was clinging like a leech onto his arm. He greeted Yamaguchi first and then he faced you. “Hi Y/N.”. you smiled at him and greeted him back “Hello Tsukishima-san.” He felt a pang in his chest at how his last name rolled out of your tongue. He felt his wife tighten her grip onto his arm and that didn’t go unoticed to you and Yamaguchi. She extended her free hand to you as she introduced herself smugly, “Hello! I’m Aiko, Kei’s wife”. You only stared at her extended hand as Yamaguchi cleared his throat and turned to Aiko, half-heartedly laughing as he said “We know, Aiko-chan!”, she laughed nervously as she lowered her hand in defeat. Tsukishima was about to snap at his wife when someone approached your group and interwined their hand onto yours. Your face automatically lit up when you saw who it was.

“Keiji!”

The way how Akaashi held you close made Tsukishima’s stomach churn. It made his blood boil despite knowing he doesn’t have the right to. “Hey.” You had that look in your eyes in a same way how you looked at Tsukishima when you were together before, full of love and adoration. “Am I interrupting something?” Akaashi asked as he returned a loving gaze towards you. “No, Akaashi-san. Not at all.” Yamaguchi interjected. “Okay. Good. Y/N, Bokuto wants us on the stage.” You looked at him, confused. “What for?” Akaashi just shrugs and excuses the both of you as he gently pulled you towards the stage. Tsukishima can’t help but follow your retreating figures and feel an empty void growing within his heart.

As everyone was chatting around, Bokuto taps the mic in front of him gaining everyone’s attention. He was atanding in the middle with his fiancée beside him. “Ugh… Hello everyone! Thank you so much for being here! Kiho and I really appreciated everyone’s presence here tonight! Hahaha! But.. “ Bokuto pauses as he looked towards yours and Akaashi’s direction. “I also want to add one more thing…” He continues as he returned his attention to the crowd. “I would like to congratulate two of the most important people in my life, Akaashi and my dear cousin Y/N, on their wedding three days ago!” Everyone in the hall clapped and cheered as a spotlight was directed at you and your husband. Everyone was shouting and congratulating you and Akaashi, well, everyone except one. Tsukishima, who was standing at the farthest corner of the hall wished the ground would just swallow him whole, his eyes were fixated on you as you smile lovingly at Akaashi whose face is of a bright shade of pink. Tsukishima felt his world shattered for the second time in his life but this time its far more worst than the first. It should’ve been him lovingly gazing at you. Its should’ve been him hugging and kissing you. It should’ve been him wearing matching golden wedding bands with you. It should’ve been him calling you his wife. But he lost you long ago because of a one big mistake. And as he lowered his head, a lone tear fell from his eye, he will bear this regret until his last breath. The biggest regret of losing someone like you.

a/n:i dunno why i wanted to hurt Tsukki i’m really sorry tsukki

reblogs would be very much appreciated <3