Notes: I mean no disrespect by writing or posting this, and in no way do I take the themes and topics discussed in this series lightly. So if you’re triggered by any of this, I suggest not reading it.
This is an AU of THE WALKING DEAD. So the apocalypse never happened, and everyone’s alive and well. If for any reason I’m getting characters wrong, please let me know and I’ll fix it to the best of my abilities. Also, there will be moments where I’ll come back to do some editing where it’s needed.
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Pairing: Rick Grimes x Reader (she/her pronouns)
Chapter Description: Your anxiety spikes and you wonder if your ex’s harsh words are true.
Warnings: Anxiety attack; mentions/reference to a toxic ex; harsh/abusive talk from a toxic ex; self-doubt; guilt and anxiety; spelling/grammatical errors; whatever else I failed to mention
Additional Info: Y/N = your name | Y/N/N = your nickname | Y/L/N = your last name | Y/E/C = your eye color | Y/H/C = your hair color
You and Lottie spent a fair amount of time in the backyard, playing with Moose and getting more comfortable in each other’s company. The puppy had quickly become a favorite of yours. His innocence, the way he easily worked his way into your heart; you couldn’t imagine life without him after that. Moose was the dog you always wanted, the one your parents and ex refused to get. You’re secretly thanking whatever god is listening that Lottie and her husband got Moose.
After half an hour, Lottie brought Moose inside, you following behind them. Moose immediately went on the couch, throwing himself on his side and throwing the occasional look the sisters’ way. He was excitedly awaiting their company. You waisted no time, sitting beside him as he started sniffing you intensely. After every place he sniffed he’d give a little lick, which made you giggle. Your hands seemed to be his favorite; he quickly abandoned the sniffing and started licking and nibbling your hands and fingers. You giggled again, deciding to rub his head and sides, with Moose giving little huffs and nibbles wherever you rubbed him.
“I think it’s official,” Lottie said, sitting at the other end of the sofa. You looked at her questioningly. “Moose likes you more than me or Max.”
“No,” you shook your head, gently poking the puppy’s side. “I’m sure he loves you guys more.”
“Trust me, he loves you more.” Lottie smiled, watching as her dog played with her sister. “He’s affectionate with Max and I, but he’s not like this.”
“I’m a new person,” you responded. “I’m sure he’s like this with new people.” You gave your sister another questioning look.
She shrugged. “He is a bit more playful with the neighbor’s kid,” she said. “But he’s got a soft spot for girls.”
“Oh,” you said softly. You didn’t know who she was talking about, but nodded anyway. At least he’s good with kids.
“I think you’d like him,” Lottie said.
“Who, the neighbor’s kid?” you asked. Giving your sister a confused glance.
“No, no—sorry.” She chuckled, waving your comment off. “While I’m sure you’d love Carl, I meant his father.” Your confusion didn’t pass. Carl? His father? Lottie quickly continued: “Rick, that’s Carl’s father. Good man. Him and Max are good friends, have been for the last few years. Recently divorced.”
“I don’t understand,” you said slowly. Anxiety started to bubble in your stomach. She’s giving you way too much information on a man you don’t even know. “This sounds like… Why’re you telling me this?”
“So you can make friends,” Lottie replied. “I know moving to a new area can be scary, especially if you don’t know anyone. Rick’s a good man; he’s a cop too, if that helps. Trust me, I think you’d like him.”
“I don’t know.” You shook your head. With your ex, you’d had a few run-ins with the police. Neighbors who’d call if there’d been an argument, only for the cops to not do anything in the end. You’d prayed and wished that they’d see something—how scared you looked, how you wouldn’t talk or look them in the eyes; they never did. Your ex could talk his way out of anything. After a while, you didn’t really trust cops. You were too scared to call them, and those who came due to neighbor intervention always left. It made you feel even more trapped and isolated. And he seemed to pick up on that.
“If you’re not comfortable, that’s fine,” Lottie said, trying for a smile. “We can take our time. There are plenty of nice people here.”
You didn’t respond, looking down at Moose. The puppy had stopped his nibble attack, instead going for resting his head on your lap. You absently rubbed his ear, trying to distract yourself from your rising anxiety.
“How about we watch a movie?” she asked after a moment of tense silence. “Whatever you want.”
You looked up for the briefest moment before glancing down at the dog. “It doesn’t matter to me,” you said, the comment automatic. “Whatever you want to watch is fine.”
With a soft sigh, Lottie nodded. “Give me a minute, I’ll get some snacks ready first.”
You nodded wordlessly. Part of you felt bad, your reaction obviously causing a shift in the general atmosphere. Things had been going well for the last couple hours, but then you had to make it about you again. Running your hands over your face, you close your eyes for a moment. You always seemed to make everything so difficult. It’s not fair to Lottie. Or Max. Or anyone else. It’s your fault. It’s always your fault. Blowing things out of proportion, making everything about you, never being grateful for what you have—maybe Ethan’s right.
You flinch at the thought, at the name. Ethan. The man you spent five years with. The man who made your life a living hell. You could practically hear him in your head, voice condescending and bitter. Angry, loud, cold. Your stomach twisted nauseatingly. Opening your eyes, you looked at the tv in front of you. Your mood had shifted, no longer did you want to be in Lottie’s company. And as much as you enjoyed Moose, you didn’t want to be around him either. You needed space.
“Lottie?” you called, your voice hoarse and thick with emotion.
“Yeah?” she exclaimed. “Everything okay?”
You swallowed thickly. “I, I think I’m going to lay down for a bit. I’m kind of tired.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. You can watch a movie, I just…” Anxiety started to overflow, your voice wavering off mid-sentence. You took a breath to regain your composure. “I need some me time.”
“Okay just, just let me know if you need anything.” Her voice sounded uncertain.
You mumbled out a response before gently moving Moose’s head from your lap. He looked up at you with those big brown eyes. Guilt started to ooze out the longer you looked at the puppy’s face. How could you leave him? Why would you want to? But you needed to. Giving him a final rub and a small smile, you left to your room. Gently closing the door, you sat on the edge of your bed.
Your room didn’t help much. It felt small, like the walls were closing in on you. The air felt thin and your breathing became labored. Your heart was beating so fast it felt about ready to jump out of your chest. Every breath you took sounded like a train, making you wince. Closing your eyes, you tried taking deep breaths. Your hands gripped the edge of the bed, nails digging into the bedding and blankets.
Stop being so dramatic. Ethan’s voice rang in your head, so clear you were almost convinced he was in the room with you. Tears flooded your eyes, a strangled sob escaping your mouth. You always make a big deal out of everything, you know that? You’re so fucking selfish! Everything’s always gotta be about you and your damn feelings. I don’t care about how you feel, do you understand me? So just shut up and dealwithit.
You felt your skin prickle, fear mingling with the overwhelming anxiety. His words continued to bounce around in your head, and everything only got worse. The room suddenly felt like a prison. The air had been knocked out of your lungs. Your head was spinning and your heart was slamming against your ribs. Every fiber in your body was screaming that you’re in trouble, in some kind of danger—get out!
Abruptly standing, you threw your door open and rushed out. You barely registered Lottie as you hurried out the front door, gasping for air like a fish out of water. You leaned forward, your hands resting on your thighs as you desperately tried to steady your breathing. It wasn’t even a minute later that you felt a hand on your back, causing you to jump forward, stumbling to regain your footing. You whirled around to see who’d touched you, trembling and still struggling to breathe.
Lottie stood behind you, worry and fear etched on her face. “Y/N?” she said, her voice quiet but cautious. “What’s wrong? How can I help?”
You could only shake your head, unable to find the words. Lottie had a hand stretched out, hesitant. Her eyes were questioning, asking permission to touch you. You looked down. Lottie put a hand on your shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze. Your brain hardly processed what she was doing.
It didn’t take long for the guilt to rear its ugly head. The guilt that maybe you were being selfish, that Ethan was right and you always made everything about you. You couldn’t go one day without causing a scene or blowing things out of proportion.
This is just an unpolished blergh of feelings post thatchapter. I haven’t edited it and it has next to no plot. I might rewrite it at some point. Also to make @among-the-twinkling-stars suffer. <3
Warning:This contains heavy spoilers for the 20th anniversary one-shot published by Tite Kubo.
TW: depression, alcohol, grief, guilt, death.
Shunsui Kyoraku
The grave has become his regular drinking spot over the last dozen years. It isn’t the same, of course, but he still gets to tell Nanao that he is going for a drink with Ukitake after work.
First off I don’t know how I missed this but strangely I dreamt that @sexintheseireitei had posted and when I woke up I found that they actually had! Omg!
Anyway…my i-just-woke-up rambling aside…this fic destroyed me. Such delicious angst. Reading your writing is like reading poetry the kind that breaks my heart in the best way!
