no one really talks about how fucking isolating it is to have endometriosis as a trans man and i think we should start doing that
i don’t know if this is just a Me Experience or if it’s applicable to other people, but the influence and representation that i had as a young trans man were youtubers like kalvin garrah; people who pushed their opinions on what it means to be trans and how you’re not trans if you don’t absolutely hate yourself and your body.
people who were so loud about how you need to be to Be Trans made me stop opening up about so many issues that i felt were “too female” to bring up as a man. i’ve been rejecting my femininity just so i can be sure that i am nothing but A Guy in the eyes of the people around me, when the truth of the matter is that people who reject me and refuse to accept me for who i am, are always going to refuse to accept me regardless of how loud i am about my masculinity.
endometriosis is one of those things that affect women. if you google what it is, the majority of articles are going to use female pronouns and educate you on what women experience. and i feel that because i have refused for so long to admit that i am a man who experience the same thing, there’s really no one to talk to about it.
and again, maybe this is a Me Thing. maybe i have isolated myself out of fear of not being valid and feeling so alone in everything is simply just… my fault. but surely i can’t be the only trans person who experiences this. and i’m not just talking about trans men, but trans people in general who feel they have to be as Neutral as possible to be truly seen as non-binary; people who have to reject parts they accept about themselves in order to be accepted by others.
i want to be me as loudly as possible without fearing that the things that make me me are going to invalidate who i am. i want to talk about being curled up in bed once a month, unable to move because if i do, i will throw up and pass out from the pain i feel in my entire body. my stomach, my back; pain that radiates down to my legs and make me cold sweat and nauseous and absolutely miserable.
but i don’t.
i pretended as though this isn’t a problem i experience and i feel so, so alone because i am not a woman who experience this. i am a man. i don’t talk about it out of fear that people are going to read my story and think about me, this random tumblr person, as a girl with endometriosis, when i’m not.
ideally i would exist in a body that matched how i feel about myself, how i see myself and how i want to be perceived.
but i don’t.
there is nothing wrong with my body. it’s a perfectly normal, acceptable body that keeps my brain alive. there is nothing wrong with having endometriosis. there is nothing wrong with having a body that subsequently has endometriosis. and there is nothing wrong with being a man with a body with endometriosis. and i am so tired of rejecting it and pretending that it doesn’t exist when all i’ve been doing for so long is trying to live up to the standards i have set on myself on what it means to be valid.
so i’m gonna keep talking about this shit because i am in pain. i am sad, angry, and alone. and if you’re also in pain and sad and angry about it, then you’re at least not alone anymore.
The companions of Artemis were huntresses - first, last and always. They had oathed themselves to the howling dogs and the swift-footed deer. They would take no husbands - they were spoused to the wild hunt. In the polis, they were expected to bear children. There in the mountains, they belonged to themselves.
Kallisto knew her time there had come to an end. When she first came to this place, she made a vow to Artemis she would remain what the men of the polis call virginal as long as she roamed by her side. She had sworn off motherhood, yet here it was - a so-called gift from a god. She had faithfully watched the moon as it waxed and waned. Yet the blood never came, though her body ached. She was pregnant, and there was nothing more to be done but accept it.
She couldn’t bare the thought of leaving now - there were cold springs she hadn’t yet swam, rough cypresses she hadn’t embraced. She would miss the voices of the okeanids as they sang to Artemis. She would miss the smell of pine needles in the morning when they woke from their slumber. How could she depart, when it felt like her life here had scarcely begun? She hadn’t yet tired of her heart pounding in the chase, her feet leaping over the branches and stones at home on the woodland floor. Her joints weren’t yet wearied from bounding down low valleys and climbing high peaks.
But the companions of Artemis were huntresses - she would not ask them to become mothers alongside her. And humans are not meant to be alone. As weeks rolled past it became harder to conceal the truth. She would wake before dawn to bathe alone, desperate to avoid the painful conversation. It was Artemis who discovered her one morning, searching for the missing woman as Eos stretched her rosy fingers across the sky. She found Kallisto perched at the water’s edge, drying in half-light. The goddess stooped to sit near her.
“Why do you hide from us?” Artemis asked.
Kallisto flushed, embarrassed to have been caught sneaking around. Artemis had always been a midwife to mortal women. Sitting beside her now, she regretted not telling her sooner.
She pushed herself up onto her feet and pulled her tunic over herself. “I made a promise to you when I started my life here,” she said.
“You wouldn’t be the first of my companions to bear children,” Artemis replied, “you have nothing to be ashamed of.”
Kallisto turned her gaze to the goddess. “It’s not that I’m ashamed - I’m sad, and I’m scared. I’m not sure that I’m ready to give up this life. I’m not sure what to do. I used to think I’d spend the rest of my life here. Where will I go now?”
Artemis answered. “You don’t have to leave.” She stood to face Kallisto. “You can stay here, if that is what you want.”
“I won’t break my oath to you,” Kallisto replied. Artemis placed her hands on the woman’s shoulders and fixed her gaze. “Do you trust me?” she asked.
“Always,” said Kallisto.
Artemis closed her eyes, and Kallisto felt her eyelids flutter shut in unison. Sleep fell on her instantly, and when she awoke, the goddess was gone.
She felt larger, as if her body had tripled in size. She shifted to stand, and where she thought to see her naked arms bent to push herself up, she saw the arms of a bear. Her arms. She pushed off of the ground, standing on hind legs, towering far above where her vision typically rested. She lifted her hand, five-toed and clawed. In the distance, she heard the familiar sounds of delighted voices. She turned and dropped down to place all four of her limbs on the ground. Nymphs ran to her, around her, past her, stopping to press kisses to her cheek and wrap arms around her neck. At last, Artemis herself stood before her, pressed her forehead to Kallisto’s own. She departed without a word, but Kallisto knew it would not be the last time she saw her.
The men of the polis say it was a curse. But as Kallisto bounded over branches and stones, leapt after fish swimming in streams, she felt blessed. When her son was born, she taught him lessons she had learned when she was human and spoke to him in the language of a bear. When we look to the northern sky, we can see them in the stars - Kallisto and Arcas, encircling the northern star.
I dont remember if I’ve blogged about it before, but if you get period cramps and also have glass toys, it’s super helpful to heat them up in warm water (to a comfortable and safe temperature) before using them! The heat soothes yr cramps and feels
(And also orgasms help with cramps sometimes and can make your period be done faster!)
A little rant (not related to kpop but personal) so if you don’t want to read you can skip but I suggest you do.
tw // menstruation
So I have terrible, horrible period cramps on the first 2/3 days of my period, so bad that I can’t get up from bed. And I’ve tried every possible pill in the country, went to every doctor in my city but none of them could give me a long term solution.
But that is not the issue here. I’ve learned to live with the pain. The issue is how insensitive and downright asshole people can be. So I’m in grade 12 and we call it college in my country and my college is extremely strict about class attendance. My class teacher is ruthless, she literally screams at us everyday if there is more than 5 people absent.
So she established a new rule, saying that if anyone of us could not attend class, we were to let her know that through our guardians. So my mom called her today to let her know that I wouldn’t be able to attend classes for a couple days.
And she went livid. Not only was she mean to my mom but also fucking insensitive, like she said, “cramps are lame excuses” “there are always parents like you who call every month to make this type of lame excuses” “it is unacceptable if a student misses class every month for a few days” “go see a doctor” and what not. And might I remind you, I never and I mean ever miss classes. I’m literally one of the most regular students in my class and the only time I don’t attend (2 days at max) is during my period.
And also, this was the first time my mom called her regarding this. Most of the time my period starts during the weekend so I don’t have much trouble but this month it started in the middle of the week.
And for your information she teaches psychology. I can’t decipher how a female, a mother( she has two kids), a psychology teacher, a fucking human can be this horrible. I mean why did she have to be a bitch about it?? I’ve seen boys in my class skip school for 6/7 days for no reason but she doesn’t notice that. She notices when I, a fucking regular student can’t attend class because I literally can’t get out of bed or stand up straight due to the pain and she says shit like “girls are always complaining about stomach aches” (no kidding, she literally said that in class one day in front of all the boys).
If she had such an issue with my absence she could’ve told me to submit an application with medical certificate or something but no, she goes and decides to be an insensitive, rude piece of shit. Like, do you have any idea how painful period cramps can be? Do you have any clue that all people’s body’s are different? That not everyone is same? Do you think I haven’t gone to enough doctors and haven’t tried every medication that is available in this country? Do you think I enjoy making “excuses” every month and hear you shout at me?
I’m just so baffled and disappointed at how heartless people can be. Especially in my country. Here menstruation is still considered a taboo and people avoid it or ignore it, saying it isn’t much of a deal. I’ve even heard gynecologists say some of the most biased, misogynistic shit ever.
Anyway, I apologize for this sudden rant but I had to let it out somewhere and this is my safe place. I hope you have a lovely day and I’m sorry if you had to go through this like me.
