Trigger warning ⚠️ death, death of pet, loss, gore ⚠️
TLDR; my cat died. I found her body. I cleaned up the blood. It hurts to think about— a lot. But I can’t talk to any one about it.
So three years ago today is a really difficult day for me and yet I feel almost numb. Three years ago today my wife (at the time fiancé) was really sick. In and out of hospitals and had actually just started living with her mom who has a masters in nursing because I couldn’t take care of her well enough myself, work full time, take care of the cats & take care of myself too. It was all too much.
So she went to go live with her mom.
Our cat Bella was sick too. We’d taken her to the Vet ER 5 or more times, she needed oxygen, multiple X-rays, medicines, IVs etc all very expensive. We spent thousands of dollars on her. I racked up thousands of dollars of debt because of it.
One night I went to see my fiancé, drove 3 hours to see her and spent a few days with her. I drove 3 hours back home. Usually the cats would be waiting at the door for me when I’d open it but that night I came home and only one of our cats greeted me and it hit me immediately, I fucking knew it in my gut. So I rounded the corner and there laid our cat Bella. Blood on her mouth. Blood on the carpet. Shit on the carpet too. I’d never dealt with something like this before. I called my fiancé and I blurted out the horrible news and she scream cried, I heard her sobbing and it broke my heart even more not being able to be there for her to help her. The next think I know her mom is on the phone with me asking me what had happened and I told her and she told me to take her body to the Vet ER and they’ll cremate her for us. I hung up. I picked up her body. Mostly stiff, some warmth still in her stomach so I think she’d only been there a few hours. She died on my way back to her. I laid her on a towel and covered her. Our other cat knew something was wrong she just stared at me the whole time. She tried to comfort me a little but I had no time for that. I had to clean up the blood and stuff. I scrubbed the carpet and I remember the soapy blood mixture clouding the cup I used. I took her to the ER they took her from me and took care of everything from there on out. My heart was shattered and it was agreed upon by my soon to be mother in law and I that I should come up immediately after. Bring our other cat and come back up. So I did. I packed a bunch of stuff because being in that apartment was just too hard, I packed up our other cat and drove 3 hours back to my fiancé. After hours of crying and talking we fell asleep on the floor together just holding each other. I never talk about that night. I don’t want to upset my wife going into detail about it but I think about how I found her a lot and it hurts me so much and I’ve just sat with this hurt for years because I don’t want to hurt her the way I’m hurting. Guys I miss my cat so fucking much. I can’t get the way I found her out of my head to this day and it breaks my heart. She deserved so much better and fuck those vets who said she was fine. Fuck the vets who didn’t do tests. Who said it was asthma. Who didn’t take it seriously. Fuck the vets who took my money but did NOTHING for my dying cat. We should’ve been told there was nothing else to do. We should’ve had the right information so we could’ve put her down PEACEFULLY. She shouldn’t of choked on her own blood as polyps burst in her lungs. I wish them all the worst. They didn’t care about her they cared about the money so I fucking hope they rot. She deserved better and they didn’t give us the opportunity to give her the best way out. I’m so angry and sad and I don’t know what else to do anymore other then to throw this out here into the void where I know no one will fucking read this. I just don’t know anymore guys. I’m just so fucking sad and angry. She deserved better. She deserved better. She shouldn’t have died that way. She deserved better.
Guys, I got Butter back from the yesterday and I do not feel good about him. I feel like I’m gonna lose him too.
Ok, well SLIGHTLY positive news. He ate for the people at the shelter and they said based on what they are seeing right now, they don’t think it’s a lost cause. The foster lady is going to take him home over the weekend to monitor. Basically, all his siblings are like 1 lb bigger than him and they are worried he might just be too small to compete with them. Depending on how the weekend goes, they may try to pair him with a 4 week old (he’s almost 8 weeks and that is how small he is). I feel better that they aren’t quitting on him.
i absolutely have a habit of sneaking little jokes to myself into my fanfictions but my favorite one to date is the fact that the cardboard box holding my horse’s urn makes a guest appearance in the newest chapter of stark unlimited
My rattery is officially closed due to PCR results that show that, unfortunately, my animals are infected with a zoonotic bacteria, Rat Bite Fever
Testing has become more accessible in the rodent community and I am incredibly grateful for that. Unfortunately- it also is exposing a lot of pathogens we didn’t think were as prevalent as they are.
My babies are only some of the unlucky ones and I just…. Can’t restart again.
I’ve lost them three times, I can’t do this again.
So, it’s a farewell my dears <3 I hope the memories posted here will continue to make people smile.
Today I said goodbye to my best friend. It is so painful, but I know it was his time. As much as it hurts, watching him continue to lose pieces of himself and to be in such pain would have been unimaginable.
We got to spend the weekend doing everything he enjoyed. He got to watch the bison, the coyotes, and the antelope. He played in smelly bison poop (a GarbageBpy Stinkman to the very end). We went to his favorite parks. We visited family. He got pupacchinos & cake & chicken dinner & countless treats. We celebrated his 5th “Gotcha Day”/8th birthday a month early.
River, you were family to me, my Sunshine Boy. I will miss you terribly, but I take comfort in knowing you are free. You are so very, very loved. I am honored to have been your person. Rest well
Just laid my cat Charlie to rest. He was a very good boy, except when he was being a terror, which was always. He went peacefully in his sleep at home and I’m gonna miss him tons.
Very likely we’ll have to put one of my two cats down in the not the one we expected (both are past their prime but this one didn’t have chronic health issues besides old age).
It’s been very sudden. I spotted the jaundice last Friday, on Monday got a 1 week prognosis before he’ll be in deep discomfort from no longer eating, unless we did a hugely expensive operation with a 50/50 chance of survival and he’d be hospitalized too. He absolutely hates vets and would be so traumatized, he has to be sedated for basic checkups. Even if everything succeeded he’d have to endure months of painful recovery. And I could never forgive myself if he passed in the hospital that he hates so much, which would be a distinct possibility even if we threw every resource at saving him.
So we made the decision to take him home, cuddle him and love him for a few days them have him peacefully laid to rest at home. We just haven’t worked out the day yet but tomorrow or the day after seems likely. It’s hard though because there’s always hope of a miraculous turn around if we just wait (completely unlikely at his age of 15+ according to the vet) but waiting too long could mean he’s in more pain. He’s already mostly given up eating, had trouble holding down water today and he’s up in the attic hiding now (I made him comfy with some bedding) which has not been a usual spot for him so I think it really is a sign of end of life “hiding” that cats do. He’s usually so energetic (and evil and spiteful to everyone but us lol) that it’s hard to believe this could happen so suddenly. But maybe in retrospect that will be a blessing that the deterioration was so quick.
I ordered an urn off Etsy shaped like a sleeping cat that an artist will customize to look like him. I was thinking of putting it in the garden as a memorial. Right now though that’s so hard to think about because he’s still alive we just have to pick the day for the procedure with all the aforementioned circumstances and the pendulum of doubt of wait or don’t wait. Right now I’m in an upswing of “don’t wait”. He’s lethargic but relaxed and hiding is a clear sign that a cat is ready for what’s coming. But sometimes when he manages to eat a little food I have this little surge of hope.
Mostly I’m just cuddling and indulging him today. I think I’m working towards being at peace with the decision. It’s going to be so strange not having him around though. He’s a mean little bastard to everyone but me and my partner, an absolute hellion, but lately he’s been my cuddly shadow. He really had a great couple of years with quarantine since I’m fortunate enough to work from home. (He would HOWL if I left the house for even a few minutes!) There’s been some other signs of old age, like him doing his sad howling that he’s been abandoned when we were in the next room because he lost track of us. He also doesn’t seem to hear or see as well. It’s hard to tell with cats but he was definitely slowing down (though still filled with rage or spite towards the rest of the world in general).
Anyway. My heart is breaking for him right now but intellectually I think there’s no other choice that isn’t deeply selfish and causing him to more pain. The pendulum of doubts keeps swinging but really we’re in the final hours and just need to make a decision.
I posted this on twitter already so I’ll just quote myself from there.
I have some sad bunny news. Unfortunately we lost Bugsie today. Something in me was prepared for this because he wasn’t getting better. I’m sad but happy he’s no longer suffering and in pain.
Those of us who knew him, know he lived a long life full of love and happiness. In recent weeks he was a very ill bunny and was on daily meds from his vet. We don’t know exactly what he passed away from but we know he’s no longer suffering with whatever it was.
