#venting
i’m having a mental breakdown on a sidewalk idk what to do it’s so hard and now i’m damp because it’s been raining all day and idk i’m sorry i just needed to write something out maybe idk idk idk
intersex dysphoria is your estrogen and testosterone battling for dominance and shifting the distribution of your body fat constantly so every other month or so you realize your clothes don’t fit the same and you can just never quite feel comfortable in anything
it’s also considering if maybe you should just “pick one” and go on some kind of HRT one way or the other, but feeling dysphoria at even the thought because you want your hormones just how they are despite it being an increasing pain in the ass
it’s also realizing you walk a hormonal tightrope and it’s scary to think of what problems might get worse if you decide to fall to one side or another, and deciding that walking the middle and not disturbing things is probably just safer
like probably
but also like hell am i messing with my hormones, im too schizo/bipolar for that shit, i’ll just learn to navigate them doing whatever they want
Over the course of my life as a writer, I have found one thing that I love above absolutely anything else.
Being a writer means you get to learn about and study and figure out and mold a person. In fact, several people in most’s case.
Yes, most writers have one or a couple characters that are their favorites and usually they’re the ones they know the best, but you still have to know at least enough about the other characters to be able to consistently write them if you’re going to write a story well.
So the act of learning about my characters, why they do what they do, why they talk how they talk, why they’ve connected and bonded with those they’ve connected and bonded with…. this is my absolute favorite thing about being a writer. I can literally take someone nothing like me and I can analyze and learn about why they make the choices they make.
I can take someone with the opposite temperament from me and learn what makes them act a certain way.
Sometimes I feel like therapy has done nothing for me in terms of learning healthy ways that I can deal with my trauma, but I feel like writing people that have gone through intense trauma like me and seeing how they’ve been able to break free of the traps that ensnare you once your brain has been overtaken by depression and fear… and watching them be free of those emotions.
Sometimes I feel like the act of writing characters going through what I’ve been going through is more effective than any kind of therapist I’ve ever been to.
I’ve literally seen like 5 or 6 therapists and only one was effective and that was my first personal therapist (after the family therapist) I ever saw - when I was 10 years old. None have been able to connect with me on that same level or understand how I think or why I think.
Sometimes I wish I had someone as fascinated with thinking like I do to be my therapist. Someone who truly digs into the why and what, but they never seem to really be able to crack me open quite like that.
*sigh* I know not many will read this but I need to get things off my chest. I don’t know what to do about my boyfrind. We have been dating on and off for the past year or so, but I am almost always questioning the relationship.
I do like him plenty but I am kinda wishing for more. He isn’t very showy with his emotions and is very stoic. I have tried to help him be more expressive but no luck.
I have always wanted some to tease me, I may not seem like it but I love to be dominated. Yet it seems like I can’t get anyone like that. Guy or girl. (I’m bisexual)
I am so frustrated and confused about so many things. I don’t know if I should break up with him or something. I hate it.
*sigh* sorry, if you stayed to read this. Thanks. I just had to get that off my chest.
Hey guys- tumblr is a broken website and deleted this nice long thing I was writing you guys! Of course, of course.
But. I read everyone’s comments on my last post about discontinuing GV, and… I appreciate the support so very much ;0;
I’m always excessively hard on myself about this sort of thing, and it broke my heart too that I just. Can’t seem to get back into the story I loved so much. So, thank you for all your kind words. I read everything with tears in my eyes, I won’t lie.
And I AM doing much better then yesterday, a few of my friends were alarmed and contacted me, and. I didn’t mean to alarm anyone. ): I have a tendency to not realize how horrible I’m feeling for a long time, until I do some weird cryptic post, or message to someone, and just sorta crash. It’s not the best coping mechanism or anything, but I gotta be honest I got no clue how to curb it, since I never realize how bad I’m doing until I need a day to be real miserable and cry. So, oops! Sorry about that.
A related note, but. Part of what lead to that, is after I’ve moved back to New Mexico and have been working on my home, well. Some sad stuff under the cut, if you’re up for reading that.
You haven’t failed us, or yourself! I’ve written many stories, and scrapped even more, and trust me when i say that it’s impossible to finish a story when your hearts just not in it anymore.
It sucks to have to scrap something you’ve been working on for years, especially when you know people are waiting for it, but the thing with stories is: they come from you - your heart, brain, soul or however you want to think of it - so even though you might be excited to share them with others, the number one person you write for will always be yourself. If you feel like you can’t do that, then don’t.
I hope you’re doing well despite everything, and I’m excited for what’s to come from you next!<3
On one hand, Iike having a job, in the sense that it’s a source of income and how it’s a nice regular routine that keeps my mind busy, but also, I absolutely dread it, like, nooo corporate America don’t make me do things!
Whenever I really just need to get shit out I do it on tumblr and I haven’t been on here in awhiiiile and I am still kinda drunk like drunk to the point where all you can do is think about everything that has ever happened and you just fucking fuck yknow like is sucks knowing you don’t even care enough about me to respect me when I have cared for three years now even like and the worst part is that makes you a fucking liar which I’ve always known like I knew from the beginning but fuck you for lying and fuck me for letting myself believe that maybe you cared AGAIN like it was hard enough the first time and the second time but I did it I got past it and I was stronger from it but whenever you come back into my life you always make sure to fuck something up so that I can’t even fucking like I can’t think of anything else to say. I hate you because I love you and I love you so Fucking much because I fucking hate you so fucking much and I mean I just wish I was worth something to you like I wish it wasn’t easy for you to treat me like just another bitch and that’s how I know you’re a liar because you said you didn’t know but you know damn well how unimportant I am to you.
Hate it when men take advantage of the fact that I’m naturally trusting and believe in the kindness of strangers. Nothing bad has happened yet but my time is wasted and I become less of an idealist whenever it happens
How long am I meant to wait for the sun?
Feeling
I haven’t self harm in a few years and that good and great but I still struggle with it and I hate it when something bad happens or I mess up the first thing I think about is bringing my self pain I feel like I deserve it for messing up. When I took a step and said I was gonna stop I thought the temptation was going to go away at some point ya know? I hate that I’m still dealing with this it makes it harder and harder every time I really just want to give in I really want to just feel something.. I’m really tired of of just being numb all day I’m so lonely and I really miss feeling something 
I’m just gonna go ghost on my psychiatrist because I feel like he’s just flirting with me during 2 hours and not helping at all this is sick.
The irony of having aspd and being so self aware is really that the majority of the time i show more manufactured patience, compassion, and empathy to the people in my life than they will ever genuinely show to me
Yep, always. And not to suck my own dick but there’s more honesty in my actions and my words than I’ve ever seen around me, or ever received, and it’s almost sad.
My mom just left a voicemail for me [drunk] and all she said was “what’s wrong with you? What did I do?” And my chest feels crushed.
05.19.21
Fucking die already.
05.18.21
I made a spelling error and people started attacking me about it online and first of all why are people like this. Sorry I have a learning disability and words are hard for me sometimes???? Also why do you have to be a dick about it. Like.. why? It’s so fucking stupid but it feels like aching in my chest, I want to just tear through my skin to my heart and rip it out and I wanna cry. It makes me want to self harm which is so fucking stupid!!!! I’m so fucking fragile right now and I hate that. It’s stupid bullshit like this that makes me want to kill myself and that’s fucking dumb too.
Every decision I make is the wrong one. I’m doing things to please other people. I’m sacrificing my own happiness for other people. I’m letting little things get to me. It’s awful. I just want it all to stop. For it all to just go away.
05.13.21
Y’all ever get that feeling with people you meet were like I wanna be your friend but I also don’t?
I think it’s because I want to be friends with someone and I’m really excited for it and then I lose interest. They can’t ever keep my attention, it’s probably a bpd thing.
Iunno
05.12.21
Trigger warning ⚠️ death, death of pet, loss, gore ⚠️
TLDR; my cat died. I found her body. I cleaned up the blood. It hurts to think about— a lot. But I can’t talk to any one about it.
So three years ago today is a really difficult day for me and yet I feel almost numb. Three years ago today my wife (at the time fiancé) was really sick. In and out of hospitals and had actually just started living with her mom who has a masters in nursing because I couldn’t take care of her well enough myself, work full time, take care of the cats & take care of myself too. It was all too much.
So she went to go live with her mom.
Our cat Bella was sick too. We’d taken her to the Vet ER 5 or more times, she needed oxygen, multiple X-rays, medicines, IVs etc all very expensive. We spent thousands of dollars on her. I racked up thousands of dollars of debt because of it.
One night I went to see my fiancé, drove 3 hours to see her and spent a few days with her. I drove 3 hours back home. Usually the cats would be waiting at the door for me when I’d open it but that night I came home and only one of our cats greeted me and it hit me immediately, I fucking knew it in my gut. So I rounded the corner and there laid our cat Bella. Blood on her mouth. Blood on the carpet. Shit on the carpet too. I’d never dealt with something like this before. I called my fiancé and I blurted out the horrible news and she scream cried, I heard her sobbing and it broke my heart even more not being able to be there for her to help her. The next think I know her mom is on the phone with me asking me what had happened and I told her and she told me to take her body to the Vet ER and they’ll cremate her for us. I hung up. I picked up her body. Mostly stiff, some warmth still in her stomach so I think she’d only been there a few hours. She died on my way back to her. I laid her on a towel and covered her. Our other cat knew something was wrong she just stared at me the whole time. She tried to comfort me a little but I had no time for that. I had to clean up the blood and stuff. I scrubbed the carpet and I remember the soapy blood mixture clouding the cup I used. I took her to the ER they took her from me and took care of everything from there on out. My heart was shattered and it was agreed upon by my soon to be mother in law and I that I should come up immediately after. Bring our other cat and come back up. So I did. I packed a bunch of stuff because being in that apartment was just too hard, I packed up our other cat and drove 3 hours back to my fiancé. After hours of crying and talking we fell asleep on the floor together just holding each other. I never talk about that night. I don’t want to upset my wife going into detail about it but I think about how I found her a lot and it hurts me so much and I’ve just sat with this hurt for years because I don’t want to hurt her the way I’m hurting. Guys I miss my cat so fucking much. I can’t get the way I found her out of my head to this day and it breaks my heart. She deserved so much better and fuck those vets who said she was fine. Fuck the vets who didn’t do tests. Who said it was asthma. Who didn’t take it seriously. Fuck the vets who took my money but did NOTHING for my dying cat. We should’ve been told there was nothing else to do. We should’ve had the right information so we could’ve put her down PEACEFULLY. She shouldn’t of choked on her own blood as polyps burst in her lungs. I wish them all the worst. They didn’t care about her they cared about the money so I fucking hope they rot. She deserved better and they didn’t give us the opportunity to give her the best way out. I’m so angry and sad and I don’t know what else to do anymore other then to throw this out here into the void where I know no one will fucking read this. I just don’t know anymore guys. I’m just so fucking sad and angry. She deserved better. She deserved better. She shouldn’t have died that way. She deserved better.
04.15.21
I assumed I couldn’t sleep because the strain of medical marijuana I use wasn’t effective for me (it wasn’t) but I got a new strain and I’m tired. I feel tired but I can’t get myself to sleep. It’s like my mind is buzzing to keep away those nasty flashbacks.. as soon as it quiets down I see him… I feel him. I just want to sleep.
03.10.21
I made a mistake and my brain took the opportunity to make a snowball out of a snowflake and now I can’t stop crying & impulsively I hit my head a few times ans now it hurts and I’m just so fucking tired. Why did I even go out today. My surgeon told me to rest but I’m so sick of being inside that I went out and I shouldn’t have cus I just fuck everything up. I can’t stop from feeling like everyone would be better off in the long run if I was just dead.
03.06.21
