#world wide handsome

He is beauty. He is grace. He is Kim Seokjin’s face.

Been wanting to sit down and write this think piece for a long while now but never really got around it. Earlier, post-breakdown, I was supposed to word vomit yet another sadgirl™ writeup but thought better to channel these feelings to other things.

Ladies and gentlemen (and non-binary folks), that’s your proof on how BTS really is helping me cope amidst the crazy. And there’s a lot more where that came from.

tw: death, depression, anxiety and panic attacks, eating disorders

Counting back the days, I realized I’ve been an ARMY (a fan of BTS/Bangtan/Bangtan Sonyeondan) for just a little more than 3 months. A short time in comparison with the time they’ve already been in the industry. Once in a while, I beat myself over it, wishing I could’ve stanned them way earlier but then I get comforted by the thought of Min Yoongisaying:

“Don’t feel regretful that you weren’t there since our debut. Every moment feels just like when we first debuted. The day when you first met us, is the day we debuted for you.”

Still, those three months of having BTS in my life made all the 2021 shitshow more bearable.

A thing worth mentioning is this generally accepted statement among ARMY: that falling for BTS wasn’t falling at all, it was like walking into a house and suddenly knowing you’re home.

Each ARMY’s experience on how they discovered Bangtan is unique and maybe one day I’ll tell my story in a separate post. The important thing is that the months flew by and it truly felt like I’ve known them forever. Another saying among ARMY that I often hear is that “you meet Bangtan at your own time, just when you need them the most” and what do you know, that was also spot on for me.

Some people might be skeptical and I can’t blame them. As a Taylor Swift stan, I understood fandoms even before Bangtan but I never really, truly got into groups, moreso Korean artists. I never got the hype even though I’ve been a fan of k-dramas here and there. That’s why I also get why people tend to raise their eyebrows over fans being this dedicated, particularly over ARMY’s unwavering support for the boys of Bangtan Sonyeondan.

My younger sister has been a lowkey fan for years and admittedly, I was also one of the confused folks wondering what the big deal was. There’s no judgment (because again, I understand being a fangirl in the broadest of terms), but just a general “why?” thought. What’s so special about these seven boys?

Now that I’m part of ARMY, I realized it really is difficult to explain to people outside the fandom. We can try (and we do, really) but again, each experience is unique and it’s impossible to completely grasp the impact of these people unless you’re already in it.

It’s difficult to put into words the amount of crazy anticipation for their new music or the pure joy when you pull out the photocard of your bias (most favorite member) or heck, even just the concept of photocard collection is impossible to explain to locals(non-fans). In fact, I used to be one of them who thought “why the heck would you pay that much for pictures you can just print out?” Look at me now, praying to the internet gods for speedy internet just to be the first one to “mine” a photocard of my ultimate bias Jungkook, even cashing out a portion of my salary for these cards and albums.

While these are things to expect when you get into a fandom, being an ARMY is more than just collecting official merch. Of course, as Yoongi said, “The ARMY is a diverse group.” and not just when it comes to their opinions but also when it comes to their backgrounds. The fandom spans across a breadth of age, SOGIE, social status, race, and other identifiers. Not everyone can openly stan them for fear of being judged, the same way that not all fans can collect albums, buy merch, or attend concerts.

At the end of the day, what really binds us all together with the boys is music. One way or another, it’s the music that transcends all boundaries - even that of language. When I say music, it’s not just how good they look when performing (though that’s a big plus), how vocally skilled they are (which is to say, VERY skilled), the well thought-of lyrics and wordplays (the English translations hit more or less but once you notice and learn the Korean nuances, that’s when you’ll be truly blown by their genius) or the smooth choreo (smooth like butter heh), but the message itself that each song holds.

I’ve been an ARMY for the latter part of Dynamite era, their first all-english single which unsurprisingly drove more fans globally but while this is the song that drew me in, I’d say that it falls within the middle rankings for me. Soon after I discovered the rest of their discography, I was crazy impressed by how sonically and lyrically diverse their songs are, eventually discovering underrated favorites. Along the way, I found tracks to jam to, dance to, and yes, cry to, wherein the latter was highly because I was so moved and comforted during times when I didn’t even know I needed it.

• It’s no secret how burnt out I am because of work and how easily annoyed I become, even towards people I used to be so patient with. Another contributing layer is the work from home set up (which sounds ungrateful) but the sensory overload that comes with it adds to the constant irritation. At first, it felt like an additional distraction but eventually I noticed that putting my headphones on and listening to BTS helps me calm down and focus. At the end of every workday, I also look forward to catching up on Run BTS! (their variety show) which is always a fail-proof way of regaining all the serotonin I’ve lost throughout the day.

• When my grandmother passed away and it felt like a giant cloud of gloom has been dumped over our household, I had Life Goes On on loop and I looked back at how Taehyung handled the pain of losing his own grandmother (who raised him since he was a kid) while he was away touring. He received the news while he was in the Philippines (he broke the news to ARMY during his speech) and yet continued on professionally, with the help of other BTS members who cried along with him and comforted him during a difficult time.

• It’s still a constant ongoing battle but there are times when I’m being extra hard with myself because I hated how I look and I hated how nothing seems to be working to the point that I gave up working out/dieting. Instead, borderline developing an eating disorder in which I was completely starving myself and feeling guilty over each meal I consume. Then immediately afterwards, hating myself even more for letting myself become this. During these times, I cry over Answer: Love Myselfand cry some more over their 2018 United Nations speech. I also look back on Jin and Jimin’s interviews where they admitted to having unhealthy diets early in their careers which took a toll on their health, and them discouraging fans to do similarly. Right now, I’m trying to get back to exercising and willingly having salads as healthy meals (thank you, Jungkook) over nothing at all.

• Aside from the physical level of my self-loathing, there’s also a deeper sense of fault-finding when the imposter syndrome hits. Both work-wise and personal, the looming thought that I’m not smart enough, or kind enough, or talented enough is always there, constantly making me feel worthless in comparison to my peers. Jin’sAwakeandEpiphany keep me company during these moments, motivating me to still try even though I feel mediocre, and appreciate myself for me. I then backtrack at the times when people and the industry looked down (even openly hated) on BTS when they were starting, but look at them now.

• 2021 still feels like a terrible continuation of 2020 especially with the COVID-19 pandemic showing no signs of dying out, and no doubt, it has resulted in an ongoing sense of helplessness and anxiety. I’ve been doing good ever since meeting BTS but there are days when the depression and random panic attacks just hit too badly and everything feels so hopeless or that I feel so alone. During these hours, I allow myself to be comforted by (read: again, crying over) Zero o’clock / 00:00 especially by the repeating reminder that “You’re gonna be happy”. I’ve said it so many times before but I never *not* cry whenever I listen to this song.

I honestly can’t list all my favorite tracks (because it is A LOT) but I can say that there’s a BTS song for every emotion I’ve been feeling recently. They brought surprising comfort and it felt like in the dark vastness of the galaxy, they were my bright spots, my stars - the same way ARMY is theirs. I can’t help but feel emotional every time I am reminded of this unique bond between BTS and ARMY, especially whenever I listen to their musical love letters to the fans like Heartbeat,2! 3!, Magic Shop,Mikrokosmos, and the forever tearjerker We Are Bulletproof: The Eternal. As we say, “stan a group who stans you back!”

All my life, I’ve been generally drawn towards people who make me *want* to be better. Maybe it’s the empath in me talking but I noticed how I thrive in the presence of people who influence me to be better, happier, and more positive because they themselves try to be, as well.

I guess that’s also a big chunk as to why I have this strong attachment towards Bangtan. Aside from their songs or them as musicians, you can really feel like they’re genuinely good people who only want the best for others.

Some locals may think that we’re in love with these seven boys because they look ridiculously good (they’re not wrong. I mean LOOK AT THEM) but honestly, it goes way beyond that.

Collectively, they’re all humble kings (given their rough start up to where they are now) who never lets the fame get into their heads. Their team (even staff of events they attend) always have good words to say about their work ethics and them generally being respectful, kind, and polite individuals. 

They also go out of their way to give back to communities by supporting several social charities and having personal causes that they advocate for such as (but not limited to) campaigns spreading awareness on violence against children, mental health, and anti-asian hate. Their kindness inspires fans to the point that even ARMY organizes their own donation drives and campaigns in support of the group. A notable example is when they matched BTS’ $1M donation for the Black Lives Matter Movement - even exceeding the same amount in less than 24 hours.

Given this, I think the biggest attribution I can give them is their unshakeable bond with ARMY. You can’t talk about the group without mentioning their massive fanbase - and the boys always find ways to attribute the praise back to them. Even when they were starting out, they enjoy events (even though they won’t likely win because industry politics) because it’s a chance to perform for people who actually wants to see them. Now that they’re global stars, they never forget to appreciate those who’ve supported them, always celebrating their wins with these people (e.g whenever they have an achievement, one of their first responses is to go on Weverse to connect and thank ARMY or acknowledge them during their speeches, interviews, concerts).

It might be delulu (”delusional”) of me but there is a genuine feeling of being seen, cared for, and even loved despite just being one nameless fan out of millions. For that, I am grateful to be ARMY.

Individually, BTS members all have their charming characteristics and unique personalities that made it hard for me to pick favorites (kidding, of course I have an ult bias but I still love them all):

• Kim Namjoon/Namjoon/Rap Monster/RM, the group’s hardworking leader, is extremely intelligent. Not just because he’s an avid reader or because he speaks english fluently but really, he is legit smart with an IQ of 148. His wit can also be shown through the lyrics he writes (most of BTS songs, including member solos, are often written or co-written by RM) and the bars he raps. Most meanings jump through their english translations but there are hidden gems that can be found in his korean wordplays.
  
  One favorite would be Trivia 承 : Love wherein he sings “I’m just a person, person, person / You erode all my sharp edges / You make me into love, love, love” In korean, “person”is“사람”and“love”is“사랑”. Basically the same except for the last character wherein the edges of ㅁ were eroded into ㅇ. SIR YOUR MIND?
  
  Plus, he’s a bike-museum-coffee with a book kind of guy. What’s not to love? When I was first starting out, one of my ARMY friends actually thought I was RM-biased because I give off “namjooncore vibes” with our similarities. Well she’s not wrong. Namjoon’s my top bias-wrecker BECAUSE.

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• Kim Seokjin/Seokjin/Jin/World Wide Handsome, while often praised for his good looks, also has commendable vocals especially when he sings heart wrenching high notes. The thing about Jin, as the oldest in the group, is that he’s everyone’s hyung (older brother) meaning, he is often looked up to by other members especially since some of them started at a really young age. He takes care of the members by cooking for them and making them laugh with his dad jokes. Istg this guy is hilarious!
  
  But despite the fun-corny-guy rep, he has a hidden depth if one only takes time to notice especially when he sings about feeling not as good enough as the other members, but still doing his best to love himself and support his brothers.

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• Min Yoongi/Yoongi/Suga/Agust D is often referred to as the most introverted one in the group. To be honest, he used to be on the sidelines for me until I discovered more about them. Despite his quiet demeanor, there’s something about Yoongi’s sharp mind and equally sharp tongue when rapping (tongue technology amiright, ARMY?) that draws you in. He also provides effortless laughter with his savage quips.
  
  Ultimately, Suga rose up to my biaswrecker list with his multifaceted personality, his soft heart (even though he has a reputation in the group for being affection-averse, we know this ain’t true), and his courage in acknowledging mental health concerns, even his own. It’s admirable how dedicated he is to his craft even if his parents weren’t supportive initially. He also pushed to give the best performances despite his shoulder injury sustained when he was hit by a car while taking on part time jobs when they were just trainees to pursue his passion.
  
  Also, did I mention he’s a great cook (along with Jin)?

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• Jung Hoseok/Hoseok/J-Hope/Hobi is the group’s hope and sunshine-bearer. His reputation is always trying to make things lighter for the group, which is also a fan favorite characteristic. However, what endeared him to me is the fact that despite his bubbly personality, he also has a serious side especially during rehearsals which he takes very professionally - this greatly shows once you see him firing up the dancefloor.
  
  Hobi also constantly gives advice to members on how to improve, but at the same time, always looking out for their safety - always, first and above. This makes me so grateful that he didn’t leave before because BTS won’t be BTS without J-Hope. Also goes to show how strong of a bond these boys have and how much Hobi believes in his members.

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• Park Jimin/Jimin is one of the most known members (probably because his name is easily remembered by locals AND his charming - borderline flirty - personality). His most remarkable quality is his angelic voice that you’ll easily pick out whenever they perform, but his true love is dancing which he is very passionate about. I always remember this interview (which I can’t find now) wherein someone from their team mentioned how critical Jimin is of his skills, to the point that he blames himself when there are misses in a performance. Quite ironic because he often is the one to comfort other members who feel bad for messing up.
  
  Aside from this, one instance that made me love him even more is when an ARMY admitted to illegally streaming an online concert because she couldn’t afford the tickets and Jimin responded in the most understanding way. This ANGEL.

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• Kim Taehyung/Taehyung/V/Tae is most notably known for his good looks, no doubt. But more than just his face value, V’s warmth towards animals and little kids is unparalleled. To be honest, I think V is misunderstood most of the time because his thoughts are so unique, it takes a while for people to understand what he means but once they do, it’s usually hilarious OR deeply insightful.
  
  A running joke is that he thinks on a deeper level and sees through people’s intentions. Not everyone (especially when it comes to western media) passes “Taehyung’s vibe check” but those people who do really seem like they have BTS’s best interests at heart and remains good friends with the boys (e.g. Halsey,Ed Sheeran,James Corden,Jimmy Fallon, etc)  Lastly, I think Taehyung’s most iconic contribution to the fandom is coining the word “Borahae” which translates to “I Purple You”, BTS x ARMY’s version ofSaranghae (I love you).

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• Jeon Jungkook/Jungkook/JK is the group’s Golden Maknae, as the youngest (maknae) who is also the golden boy for being crazy multi-talented. It is a truth universally acknowledged by BTS members and ARMY that he excels in everything even on first try. I don’t even know where to start explaining why I love him so much, because I do - on so many different levels. Aside from being the same age as him (I’m literally just older by 15 days, yes I counted), he’s the primary reason why I even got into BTS in the first place after seeing his Dynamiteperformances. Afterwards, I just got swooped in by the insane amount of skills that this guy has (especially that killer voice), his charming personality, and that damn smile.
  
  As the youngest, he was basically raised by his hyungs and raised him well, they did. He became such a sweet, charismatic gentleman who can handle everything thrown his way but gets soft and emotional when he sees his hyungs struggling.
  
  I feel like he had the biggest growth from debut to present and biases aside, it’s probably because of his passion and will to do his very best in all the things he tries to achieve. Still, even though he has now grown into a man (muscles, piercings, tattoo sleeve, and all), ARMY and BTS still see him as the adorable, playful maknae that he is - and how could we not when he still gets adorably shy once in a while, like the baby that he is. It’s difficult to elaborate but seeing him just gives me a certain level of comfort and shall I say, Euphoria? The dream is to go on an outdoor, extreme sports adventure with him then have samgyupsal and drinks afterwards.

Not gonna lie, I’ve repeatedly said that I’m in a mental state of relationship-aversion but if any of these guys come around to change my mind, I’m all for it (hey google, play Waste It On Me)

Overall, this longass essay is basically my love letter to Bangtan Sonyeondan. This is proof of how much of an impact they had on my life within the span of 3 short months (and multiple merch that followed). It felt like discovering them kept my heart protected with what I’d like to call Bangtan Bubblewrap. This was the first thought I had when I received my first set of albums which came sealed in a purple bubblewrap with hearts as its “bubbles”

This bubblewrap also keeps me sane whenever I read/hear about people or media shitting on these boys, their fans, and their music. I mean, I understand preferences but straight up terrorizing the group and ARMY can get a bit too much. Still, as they always remind us, we just keep our focus on each other and be better, every day.

With the craziness and constant gloom I’ve been dealing with, BTS kept my heart from being too damaged or beaten up. At the same time, it kept me from exploding and channeling my anger towards people around me. When I’m inside my purple bangtan bubble, it feels safe, it feels like home.

They recently celebrated their 8th anniversary (FESTA!!) and I’m looking forward to celebrating more years with them and the fandom. I hope BTS and ARMY will all stay healthy and will be together for a long time

Closing this with the everlasting words of J-Hope:

“Liking BTS was the best decision ever”

- as to which ARMY always reply, “we’re in this bangtan sonyeondan shit for life!” And really, we are.