#nom de plume

Gonna be an endless cycle of work-anxiety then home-depression ‘til I die, me thinks

I don’t mind being alone, but I do mind being lonely.

I know I’ve always been bad at having friends and maintaining friendships.

Sure, I’d have consistent folks to be with at school, at work. But even within these circles, I feel like the expendable friend.

I used to think I’m okay with it; that I’m used with these friendships of convenience; of friendships forged through constant day to day proximity, only to fizzle out after a handful of “i miss you"sand"we should all hang out"s that never materializes.

I still am.

But some days, days like these, the loneliness catches up and makes me realize how much I yearn for these connections. The sense of belongingness I never really got to feel anywhere.

At the end of the day, I can only count on one hand the number of people I can really, truly consider as friends.

Someone once told me that maintaining friendships takes work and you need to put an effort on things you want to keep.

How do most people find that easy? To keep up relationships throughout the years? To keep finding themselves in groups of people they’ve known for so long they’re like second family?

I guess that’s why I find being in niche interest groups so fulfilling. Because there’s a sense of belongingness even if it’s never really deep, know-you-personally friendship. It’s the temporary connection, really, but a connection not any less valuable than a kinship tarnished by history.

I recently went to an event alone where I knew no one. Unlike some people, my introversion doesn’t really limit me from doing things like this - of going to places even if I have to socialize on my own.

After seeing one of my posts about that event, an acquaintance messaged me saying:

trans: “you always make friends in every event you go to even if you’re solo/alone!!!

Fun fact: this acquaintance is someone I met at an event I also went to alone

It’s when I understood that making friends isn’t my problem. Keeping them is.

At 24, I still feel like my world is as small as a marble. Likely a great contributor as to why I never got to build lasting connections. Because I never truly got to leave my nest. Because I’ve never fully brought my guard down. Because very few people had the patience to scale up my walls.

Not even to brag but I think I am a good friend, a great friend even. Someone reliable that’s gonna stick through good times and bad. As unhealthy as it seems, my non-confrontational self and people-pleasing personality makes it easy for me to gel with different kinds of people, going with the flow wherever it takes.

It’s just that I suck at communicating and reaching and I’ve learned that those are key things for friendships to thrive.

Typing that out made me feel like a hypocrite for claiming to be a good friend.

Still, isn’t real friendship not that fragile to crumble over a period of silence? That no matter how long it goes, you know they’ve got your back anytime?

Why do I not have that? Except for a select few, I never really got to feel I can talk to my so-called friends about things that matter and vice versa. In our circle, everyone knew about what’s been happening with each other’s lives, except for me. 

My mom has her group of best friends since her college days. Up ‘til now, they still stay connected and even their kids are well acquainted, going on trips together and celebrating birthdays occasionally.

Thinking about it, will I be able to be part of my friends’ families? Will I get to see them grow old and be part of momentous moments in their lives?

I have my family, my cousins, my aunts. I know that. Whatever happens, they got me. But sometimes I wonder if that’s only because we’ll never be far away from each other. Is it yet another friendship of proximity? 

Aside from that, isn’t it a bit pathetic to not have a life outside your family? I love them unconditionally, of course. But not just because some people are content walling themselves to family doesn’t mean I do to.

It’s a subject I’m still wrapping my head around but I genuinely wonder what’s wrong with me. 

It’s been a while since I last wrote for this series of brainfarts.

Looking at my drafts, you really were supposed to be the next one but it never really took flight. Maybe I was at loss for words, or maybe back then it was still fresh (as fresh as you can call a 3-year old crush long buried in its grave)

Now, 8 years later, going back to those silly freshman memories feels nostalgic and embarrassing, if I do say so myself. But now, we’re both a lot older, exploring this big world without really knowing where to go.

We’ve had numerous experiences, lessons, firsts and I can say I don’t really know much about it other than what you opt to share on the faceless internet, or the little whispers here and there from mutual friends who get news from other mutual friends. Just your usual grapevine gossip.

While I watch you grow, and thrive, and wither from afar though, I guess after all these time, what I just wanted to say is:

I hope you’re happy.

I mentioned this to you before, though you probably have no recollection of it anymore. It was my first letter to you back then. Needless to say, it was a retreat letter and I gave one to everyone in class so it doesn’t really count, maybe. It counts to me though. Especially since you clutched a retreat letter back for me on the last day of the trip, writing it in black crayon because you lost your pens and apologizing because your letters for others were type-written and prepared prior. I should’ve felt like an after-thought but it didn’t matter. You didn’t even had to give me something back. In fact, I didn’t expect you to, just because I did.

I don’t usually know what to say and my words are often harvested after hours and hours of thinking. The fruits of these, I don’t usually share with others especially when there’s too much things left unsaid.

But it was a time when I wanted to.

That letter was me wearing my heart on my sleeve, expressing volumes of things I wanted you to know and reflecting on memories I tucked in the farthest corners of my mind, occasionally bringing it out and caressing it with fondness.

Looking back, I do reminisce at all my shared memories with you through soft lenses. I believe it’s far from naivety now, unlike before when I look up to you just like how I literally look up to the heavens that share your name. Now, even as I’ve grown, the sheer admiration remains and has never faltered in the past years. I look at you through the screens and get filled with pride, seeing you be more comfortable in your own skin, doing something you love, something you’re good at. I scroll through your posts noticing the slivers of the things I admired back then, seeing them unchanged by time. Those moments, the long gone feelings twist in their grave, reminding me that they existed once upon a time.

It’s no longer the kind of feeling that burns, though, but I would be lying if I say that it doesn’t make me feel like a teenage schoolgirl anymore.

Just the mere thought of you brings back that sense of simple affection. It was complex at the time - I was young and foolish and impressionable. But now I realized it’s the kind of feeling that makes you giddy and sweet, even until now.

The same reason why I now want to sit down and put this into writing 8 years later. It was constantly triggered by a lot of little things over the years - an old photo, a lingering memory, a friend casually dropping your name in conversations. But today, you hopped on this trend where you share photos of you in college and I couldn’t help but smile seeing that boy I’ve decided I wanted to get to know more even before we’ve met in person for the first day of class.

You look so different now, with your brightly colored hair and contact lenses and bolder fashion choices. Maybe that’s why seeing a glimpse of that guy again opened the bittersweet gates, hitting me with so much nostalgia.

I don’t really know what to say, maybe even on the off chance we get to meet in person again. Probably in a reunion years from now. Maybe I would get the courage to jokingly say, “hey, you know I’ve had this crush on you during freshman year, right?”

And maybe I would get confirmation to the rumors that you liked me back then too, but during a time when I’ve already moved on.

Or maybe you’ll laugh it off saying, “thank you for telling me, even if I never saw you that way.”

I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter now, does it?

Whether or not it is true, we missed our chance as if there really was a chance in the first place.

And in all honesty, I’ll admit that the not-knowing has its own charm. The rare kind of what-if that doesn’t open a gaping hole in my stomach, but rather the kind of could’ve-been that leaves a lasting impression that at least there was a possibility back then. It was just untapped, probably the way the universe intended it to be.

This throwback is honestly giving me such a whiplash but as I said, the mere memory of you is always something I look back at with tenderness, and yes, even the embarrassing parts, I can laugh at now too.

My oldest memory would be me, going through the members of our block’s Facebook group and seeing you and deciding right then and there that you’re an interesting person. The way I was giddy knowing our travel home is along the way, and me trying to “accidentally” run into you during the commute home (which never happened). Eventually, you and your friends riding home and inviting me along, to which for some reason I stupidly declined.

That time when I was your first pick for a group project, picking me above your closest friends. Or that time you shared an umbrella with me on the way to a class trip to an amusement park. I remember my first time at Subway because we were grouped together for a report, and that time when the entire class was teasing me for being obsessed with the color blue. Everyone teased me endlessly those days especially when we get grouped together for schoolwork. There was also this pleasant surprise when you know this obscure song I really liked or that you’ve read an unknown series I enjoyed. And then remember during that party? You offered to share half a tequila shot with me because everyone was drinking and you know I don’t.

I also remember taking photos with everyone during events just so I have an excuse to get a photo with you. Now that I see it, maybe you never really knew how I felt or you didn’t want to assume because I always lumped you with the others - through the photos and letters. Not because you weren’t special, but because I was too embarrassed that you’ll see through me.

I don’t regret it though. A rare thing for someone who is constantly filled with crippling remorse over the littlest things.

Even after graduation, I held on to the little interactions that crossed our way. From that time I was in my drinking phase and you said you were proud of me (but also saying, “everything in moderation ok!!!!”) or when you were asking for book recommendations and I had to wrack my brain for something to suggest. The most recent being me checking up on you when I saw you were at the hospital, and sending virtual hugs when I learned about your recent heartbreak over your first love.

Initiating conversations always felt awkward for me, back then and even now. But I guess once the novelty of a crush fades, and when the other person reaches out as well, you get the courage to put a foot forward and treat these people of admiration as what they are - people. Friends, even.

With that out of the way, I guess what I wanted before and what I mentioned in my letter then still holds true: that I hope we can get to know each other better and form memories we can cherish. I think now, we really do have a shot at being actual friends, without the complications of feelings and expectations, because I honestly think you’re a cool person. The awe and admiration will probably never go away, but I can say that the years eroded them to more manageable emotions I could fit in my palm.

After all this time, I still do wish that you find the happiness you’re looking for. Back then, I mentioned it’s the kind of happiness you seem to think you don’t deserve, and after all this time, I still do think you deserve it. I’m glad you’re reaching out to the world to try and take it now, even if it leads down pathways you don’t expect; roads that are littered with rejections and disappointments, with heartbreak and pain.

Yet, the same roads that hold the possibility of actually finding what you seek.

I hope one day you get there.

There’s something about writing when you’re feeling melancholic. Words seem to get stuck when you’re happy but it is also difficult to write when you’re downright depressed. When the sadness dulls to a bearable throb, words seem to flow easier after you’ve mulled over the things you want to say and express.

That’s why, one week later and 7 rough days into 2022, I’ve managed to sit down and think about how the past couple of years flew by - and how it was possible that things have changed so drastically and yet, remained boringly similar.

I don’t know why I never got around to finalizing my 2020 reflections. Maybe it’s because I kept delaying it without noticing that another year has passed since it feels like we’re still stuck in the same space. I really welcomed 2021 unprepared (even clutch shopping for a 2021 planner which I always prepare for annually).

It’s two years worth of wrap-up, let’s get down to it.

tw: self-harm, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, panic attacks, anxiety, gaslighting, grief, death of loved one, volcanic eruption, covid-19, pandemic

◾ NEW YEAR, NEW BEGINNINGS◾

I’ve always loved new years. I know things won’t magically be better as another year is over but there’s a sense of hope in the air every January - 12:00mn of January 1st to be exact.

However, I didn’t exactly start the first day happily for the past couple of years.

I opened 2020 with massive panic attacks after prepping myself to ask permission to go out of town with my college classmates and then even more when the trip was cancelled after a volcano had a massive eruption, covering the provinces and even nearby cities in ash and death.

We started masking back then in January 2020 to protect us from the ashfall, not knowing it was just the beginning of something worse.

March 2020 started the series of quarantines after the global COVID-19 pandemic hit. It was terrifying. People were panic buying, hoarding food, sanitation materials, and every necessity to course through the unexpected lockdown with no idea when it would be lifted and no answer to the urgent, underlying questions - when will it be safe to go back out? What happens now?

To be completely honest, there’s a certain level of fascination seeing history unfold right between our eyes. It felt like a trainwreck - you know it’s innately terrible and yet, you can’t tear your gaze from it. You have no choice but to LOOK and see it crash and burn, taking people’s lives like it’s nothing.

New Year of 2021 wasn’t any different. By then, we are still dealing with the pandemic but after almost a year of quarantine and lockdown cycles, people are becoming more “used to it” in a sense. They’re braving the outside world with more hope that vaccine roll outs would start soon and things would go back the way it used to be.

For us though, our household started the new year with broken mental health and physical well-being. The latter quarter of the previous year involved multiple trips to the emergency room and endless hospital check ups. Thankfully, it was not COVID-related but it didn’t make it any less harder to deal with.

◾ OF RELIEF AND GRIEF ◾

The past years, I watched people come and go. It is an unnerving feeling actually, to see a person be there and suddenly, just be gone.

Not all losses are terrible though. Sometimes, it can feel like a fresh breath of air especially when it is something that had you on chokehold for a while. There is unparalleled relief when something you’ve been waiting to get over and done with has finally… disappeared.

With the start of the pandemic and reinforcing big adjustments in the year 2020, I allowed myself to prioritize my mental health and end a faux situationship that heavily took a toll on me. I never asked for it in the first place and I know I should’ve gotten myself out long ago after really big red flags have emerged but I was naïve to think that it’s a friendship that could work out. I never really learn, do I?

Being the one who cut the ties doesn’t mean I got off scathe-free. Until now, I’m still reeling with the long-term effects that gaslighting brought on my self-esteem, mental stability, and relationships with people that matter. I still constantly question my choices and still randomly get war flashbacks when people bring it up or my repressed memories catch me off-guard. Nonetheless, I am proud of standing up for myself and doing what is best. I am definitely in a much better place than I was back then when I had a constant blackhole looming over me. Good riddance.

While that loss gave me gigantic relief in 2020, our loss in 2021 was so much harder to accept.

Grief is a volatile thing. Sometimes it demands to be fully felt, leaving you crying and shaken to the core especially when it’s raw and fresh. Who knew the absence of something can feel this heavy? How a gaping hole in your life feels like an endless weight in the pit of your stomach?

As time passes on though, it hits less and less frequently but it never fully goes away. Some days, you can be doing something totally random when you feel like your heart is being squeezed and you have no choice but to ride it out. On rare occasions though, looking back fondly at treasured memories becomes more bearable.

It would’ve been my grandmother’s 66th birthday the other day. When she passed away last April 2021, I just knew starting the next year would be difficult as it means fully knowing we’ll never get to celebrate another year, another birthday with her.

It’s still tough to talk about and I honestly don’t want to yet. Soon, maybe, with people I trust with my feelings wholeheartedly. Maybe, now that my aunt, uncle, and cousin have moved back in with us to help care for my grandfather, it would be easier to discuss. But today is not the day - and that’s okay.

◾ DISTRACTIONS ◾

With the world burning (literally. Climate change and global warming is real, folks), I believe most people would agree that we’re all barely hanging on, just trying to cope day by day. So many trends have emerged, just proving how much people need to divert their attention to anything else just to keep their sanity.

With the first year of quarantine in 2020, I admit I’m one of those who gripped distractions like a lifeline. From making Dalgona Coffee and trying out home workouts (thanks Chloe Ting) to sacrificing sleep just to play Among Us or have late-night e-numan (virtual drinking sessions) with friends and binge-watch Netflix (still salty that they cancelled Julie and the Phantoms though!), I kept myself busy to try and avoid doom-scrolling on social media 24/7.

For most of the time though, I spent hours in the kitchen. I regularly searched for interesting recipes I could try and replicate, mostly food I miss from my favorite restaurants (I’m looking at you, Xiao Long BaoandBaked Salmon). I experimented on multiple ways to cook pasta aside from the regular spaghetti, with varying degrees of success. While I won’t be whipping up home-made Japchae any time soon (until I can figure out how to tweak the recipe, that is), I’ve already lost track of how many kilos of Tuna Pesto I’ve cooked for my family and friends. Once, I even made it at 4 in the morning because my sister was craving it.

Baking takes the cake though (pun totally intended). After purchasing an oven (a dream of mine!), I found incredible solace and comfort in carefully measuring the ingredients and bringing them all together to fill the kitchen with the smell of vanilla and fill our tummies with sweet treats. From multiple failed attempts to craft the perfect cheesecake to unlocking my preferred chocolate chip cookie recipe, we always had something to munch on the dining table. My mom and I even had “bake-offs” which led to us having so much sweets at home than we can consume, eventually opening the doors of us accepting orders from friends during Christmas 2020.

If 2020 gave way to so many hobbies, 2021 expanded my musical horizons. While Taylor Swift still grips my heart and her own versions of well-loved albums (!!!), I am so glad I discovered other artists’ discography. I mean, Olivia RodrigoandHalsey are absolute queens and BENEE,JP Saxe, andblackbear are great singers that fell under my radar before. I also rekindled my love for Bruno Mars and other local artists that year.

2021 brought back my passion for musical theater as well. When the pandemic hit the previous year, I broke my 2019 streak of watching productions, only getting the chance to watch 1 local performance before getting stuck in lockdown. Some shows were made available to stream online during the early days of quarantine but after the hit release of one of my favorite musicals and the succeeding scandal regarding one of its actors (whom I look up to in a level beyond theater), it was difficult getting back to it. Discovering Moulin Rouge!,Hadestown,The Lightning Thief Musical,Dear Evan Hansen, and Waitress made the ease back smoother.

However, my absolute 2021 peak is falling into the Bangtan Sonyeondan hole. I’m not even kidding when I say being an ARMY last March 2021 shaped how I lived my life onwards. Who would’ve thought that seven men could change my worldview this much? I’ve written about it in length previously so no use putting everything here again but all I’m saying (because it’s worth reiterating) is that BTS literally saved me from spiraling down when everything around me was falling apart. Not to mention, they gave me a better understanding on what love is supposed to feel like and made me feel hopeful about finding it for myself. For that, I will always be grateful.

◾ STRUGGLES OF SELF LOVE ◾

“This pandemic has been hard for everyone and there’s no need to be even harder on yourself.”

I try to keep that in mind as I prioritize myself and my boundaries but it’s easier said than done.  Back in November 2020, I was literally counting down the days until March 2021 so I can resign after getting my bonus. Look at me now, still here, 53 days away from March again. Still stuck while my workmates whom I’ve planned resigning with have already moved on with their careers.

It is not unknown in my circle how greatly burnt out I am with what I do to the point that I no longer sugarcoat it. Whenever people ask me how I’m doing or if I’m still enjoying work, the answer is an outright “no”, even if my manager is the one asking me. In 2020, I would try to downplay it and pin it on pandemic challenges but I have no time to BS my way out of it this 2021. During my last 1-on-1 session with my manager, I wasn’t able to hold it together and ended up breaking down because of all the pressure I’ve been enduring.

Other than the usual work problems, another thing I greatly struggled with the past two years would be body dysmorphia. No beating around the bush, I hate myself for how I look, hate who I see in the mirror everyday, hate myself even more for not consistently doing something about it.

2020 was a year of active attempts. I tried to stick to a home workout routine, thinking it could help me deal with my issues. While it is true that exercising gave me a better mental disposition (get ‘em endorphins), the surge of feel-good hormones immediately dies when I stare back at the numbers on the scale that’s not showing any improvements.

2021 was no better. Disappointed with the lack of results from the previous year, I resorted to a different path during the early parts of the year. It is uncomfortable to talk about but I slowly noticed the beginnings of an eating disorder I’ve developed unconsciously. Some days, it feels like a game of “how long can I last without food?” and whenever I give in to eat my single meal for the day, I beat myself up for every calorie I consume, no matter how little.

On the other hand, during days when I throw all my care out the window and succumb to the blackout acceptance that I’ll never feel good enough in my body, I consume without thought. All the junk food and unhealthy coping mechanisms come back, only to haunt me once I return to the beginning of the cycle of not wanting to eat again.

To be completely honest, it’s still a battle I’m struggling with and something I haven’t talked about with anyone. Hopefully I can put it behind me this year. It’s taking time but I’m starting with eating a little bit healthier versus nothing at all. I’m also psyching myself up to try working out again, just to get moving.

Aside from the above, a less destructive way I’ve developed in 2021 is focusing on how I present myself. While impulsively chopping hair has been one of my outlets to avoid cutting during really terrible mental health days, it also served as a platform for me to express myself. I bleached my hair for the first time to have it colored purple and grey. Plus, I had it properly cut to what’s possibly the shortest I’ve had in years - and now with fringe bangs!

I haven’t fully come to terms with loving myself yet but I’ll take every ounce of confidence I can muster whether it’s from having a nice haircut, learning to properly use makeup, or curating a revamped fashion style that makes me feel like I’m at my best regardless of what other people might say.

◾ ONWARDS AND UP ◾

It’s 2022 now and I feel still stuck as ever. The first week hasn’t been as well as I hoped it to be and I’m definitely not looking forward to going back to work (as if I haven’t been working while on leave).  Moreover, it’s growing increasingly difficult to find the silver lining in the constant gloom brought about by the unyielding covid-19 variants and the incompetent government.

Still, it’s a new year. Another cycle around the calendar.

Another year to learn, and grow, and make mistakes.

Another year to live, exist, and cope.

And maybe for once, that’s enough.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Causes and effects.

I used to be so passionate about so many things that I still wonder where the hell did I get all the energy when I was younger. Now, it takes all willpower to do even the barest minimum and anything above that drains me completely.

Maybe it’s part of growing up. Maybe I just “spent” too much when I was little that nothing is left now.

At present, I have to carefully choose where and when I’d spend my limited energy. But damn, people make it really hard sometimes. Especially people who think they know better; people who feels entitled to dictate what’s best for others.

But here’s the truth. My truth.

It’s not that I don’t want to go out. I do. I miss my friends. I miss people.
- but just thinking about the hassle of asking permission to actually go and the anxiety whenever I leave the house in fear of catching COVID (and worse, bringing it home) makes me Not Want it.

It’s not that I don’t like cooking and baking anymore. I do. It eases my mind and it’s one thing I genuinely enjoy even if I’m not particularly good at it.
- but more time spent in the kitchen means eating a whole lot more which is a struggle because of the continuous diet I put myself in.

It’s not that I don’t want to be promoted. I love money and there’s a certain level of satisfaction when your hard work is being noticed.
- but is this what I signed up for? Is it something I deliberately asked for? Or is it something simply dumped on my lap, expecting me to thank them for the extra workload?

It’s not that I don’t want a relationship. Or that I don’t like anybody or no one likes me. It’s easy.
- but I can’t bear the thought of the potential inevitable marriage and childbirth and dealing with in-laws. It sounds extreme but I don’t want to go through the motions only to back out at the last second after everything.

And that puts things in perspective:

That it’s easier to just say you don’t “want” a thing when in fact, you just don’t like to deal with everything it entails.

It also becomes a matter of a certain thing being “worth it”.

• I like going out, sure. But is it worth the mental gymnastics and anxiety and panic attacks?
• I enjoy being in the kitchen, yes. But is it worth the self-damage when the scale stares back at you, taunting you for every cookie and serving of pasta consumed?
• I want to earn more and get a promotion. But is it worth the never-ending burnout and stress and depression and doubt you’ll have to deal with on a daily basis?
• Dating sounds fun, I’ll give it that. But is it worth the emotional turmoil and baggage at the end of the line?

And when the answer to those things are “no, definitely not worth it.” then you bet I’m opting out of it totally.

For the sake of not feeling like a complete emotionless bore, I self reflected on times when these circumstances become “worth it.” I realized it’s when these things have mitigating variables.

Going to the mall? I can’t wait! The anxiety of catching COVID is mitigated by factors such as only being with my family and not using public transport and practicing utmost hygiene safety.

Prepping for a party where I have to cook and bake? Sounds fun! It’s worth the extra workout time I have to put in to burn the calories I’ll gain.

I still haven’t found the mitigating factor to dating though, if there’s any at all.

At the end of the day, I just wish people around me would stop thinking like they know what’s best for my own sanity. It’s so exhausting to keep declining over and over again and explaining why I don’t want A Thing when I shouldn’t be explaining myself in the first place.

A NO should be a NO. As simple as that.

I should have the agency to decide for myself if I want a certain thing or not, because believe me that when I decide on something, I have fully weighed all variables. If I do go through with it without unnecessary convincing, then best believe I found the circumstances worth the effort.

Sometimes though, I say yes to things just so people would stop pestering me. That is when the balance of being “worth it” is tipped. I say yes to things because the peace it will bring me in the long run when they stop nagging is worth that extreme trouble I have to go through - even though it is still admittedly terrible.

In these cases, I lost either way.

Sure I’ll go out, but I won’t be having fun because I didn’t want it out of my own volition in the first place - and I still had to go through the motions to get there.

Fine, I’ll take the job but I’ll be complaining all the time because I. Did. Not. Ask. For. This.

VS when people would stop forcing me to do things and allow me to decline something I want, then there’s only an “ah bummer” feeling but it saves me the emotional labor.

It’s difficult to explain but putting it down makes it a bit clearer in my head. I wish I could explain this to people clearly but above that, I wish they could just respect my decisions and allow me to just be.

I’m so tired. As kids nowadays say: PLEASE STOP PERCEIVING ME.

Been wanting to sit down and write this think piece for a long while now but never really got around it. Earlier, post-breakdown, I was supposed to word vomit yet another sadgirl™ writeup but thought better to channel these feelings to other things.

Ladies and gentlemen (and non-binary folks), that’s your proof on how BTS really is helping me cope amidst the crazy. And there’s a lot more where that came from.

tw: death, depression, anxiety and panic attacks, eating disorders

Counting back the days, I realized I’ve been an ARMY (a fan of BTS/Bangtan/Bangtan Sonyeondan) for just a little more than 3 months. A short time in comparison with the time they’ve already been in the industry. Once in a while, I beat myself over it, wishing I could’ve stanned them way earlier but then I get comforted by the thought of Min Yoongisaying:

“Don’t feel regretful that you weren’t there since our debut. Every moment feels just like when we first debuted. The day when you first met us, is the day we debuted for you.”

Still, those three months of having BTS in my life made all the 2021 shitshow more bearable.

A thing worth mentioning is this generally accepted statement among ARMY: that falling for BTS wasn’t falling at all, it was like walking into a house and suddenly knowing you’re home.

Each ARMY’s experience on how they discovered Bangtan is unique and maybe one day I’ll tell my story in a separate post. The important thing is that the months flew by and it truly felt like I’ve known them forever. Another saying among ARMY that I often hear is that “you meet Bangtan at your own time, just when you need them the most” and what do you know, that was also spot on for me.

Some people might be skeptical and I can’t blame them. As a Taylor Swift stan, I understood fandoms even before Bangtan but I never really, truly got into groups, moreso Korean artists. I never got the hype even though I’ve been a fan of k-dramas here and there. That’s why I also get why people tend to raise their eyebrows over fans being this dedicated, particularly over ARMY’s unwavering support for the boys of Bangtan Sonyeondan.

My younger sister has been a lowkey fan for years and admittedly, I was also one of the confused folks wondering what the big deal was. There’s no judgment (because again, I understand being a fangirl in the broadest of terms), but just a general “why?” thought. What’s so special about these seven boys?

Now that I’m part of ARMY, I realized it really is difficult to explain to people outside the fandom. We can try (and we do, really) but again, each experience is unique and it’s impossible to completely grasp the impact of these people unless you’re already in it.

It’s difficult to put into words the amount of crazy anticipation for their new music or the pure joy when you pull out the photocard of your bias (most favorite member) or heck, even just the concept of photocard collection is impossible to explain to locals(non-fans). In fact, I used to be one of them who thought “why the heck would you pay that much for pictures you can just print out?” Look at me now, praying to the internet gods for speedy internet just to be the first one to “mine” a photocard of my ultimate bias Jungkook, even cashing out a portion of my salary for these cards and albums.

While these are things to expect when you get into a fandom, being an ARMY is more than just collecting official merch. Of course, as Yoongi said, “The ARMY is a diverse group.” and not just when it comes to their opinions but also when it comes to their backgrounds. The fandom spans across a breadth of age, SOGIE, social status, race, and other identifiers. Not everyone can openly stan them for fear of being judged, the same way that not all fans can collect albums, buy merch, or attend concerts.

At the end of the day, what really binds us all together with the boys is music. One way or another, it’s the music that transcends all boundaries - even that of language. When I say music, it’s not just how good they look when performing (though that’s a big plus), how vocally skilled they are (which is to say, VERY skilled), the well thought-of lyrics and wordplays (the English translations hit more or less but once you notice and learn the Korean nuances, that’s when you’ll be truly blown by their genius) or the smooth choreo (smooth like butter heh), but the message itself that each song holds.

I’ve been an ARMY for the latter part of Dynamite era, their first all-english single which unsurprisingly drove more fans globally but while this is the song that drew me in, I’d say that it falls within the middle rankings for me. Soon after I discovered the rest of their discography, I was crazy impressed by how sonically and lyrically diverse their songs are, eventually discovering underrated favorites. Along the way, I found tracks to jam to, dance to, and yes, cry to, wherein the latter was highly because I was so moved and comforted during times when I didn’t even know I needed it.

• It’s no secret how burnt out I am because of work and how easily annoyed I become, even towards people I used to be so patient with. Another contributing layer is the work from home set up (which sounds ungrateful) but the sensory overload that comes with it adds to the constant irritation. At first, it felt like an additional distraction but eventually I noticed that putting my headphones on and listening to BTS helps me calm down and focus. At the end of every workday, I also look forward to catching up on Run BTS! (their variety show) which is always a fail-proof way of regaining all the serotonin I’ve lost throughout the day.

• When my grandmother passed away and it felt like a giant cloud of gloom has been dumped over our household, I had Life Goes On on loop and I looked back at how Taehyung handled the pain of losing his own grandmother (who raised him since he was a kid) while he was away touring. He received the news while he was in the Philippines (he broke the news to ARMY during his speech) and yet continued on professionally, with the help of other BTS members who cried along with him and comforted him during a difficult time.

• It’s still a constant ongoing battle but there are times when I’m being extra hard with myself because I hated how I look and I hated how nothing seems to be working to the point that I gave up working out/dieting. Instead, borderline developing an eating disorder in which I was completely starving myself and feeling guilty over each meal I consume. Then immediately afterwards, hating myself even more for letting myself become this. During these times, I cry over Answer: Love Myselfand cry some more over their 2018 United Nations speech. I also look back on Jin and Jimin’s interviews where they admitted to having unhealthy diets early in their careers which took a toll on their health, and them discouraging fans to do similarly. Right now, I’m trying to get back to exercising and willingly having salads as healthy meals (thank you, Jungkook) over nothing at all.

• Aside from the physical level of my self-loathing, there’s also a deeper sense of fault-finding when the imposter syndrome hits. Both work-wise and personal, the looming thought that I’m not smart enough, or kind enough, or talented enough is always there, constantly making me feel worthless in comparison to my peers. Jin’sAwakeandEpiphany keep me company during these moments, motivating me to still try even though I feel mediocre, and appreciate myself for me. I then backtrack at the times when people and the industry looked down (even openly hated) on BTS when they were starting, but look at them now.

• 2021 still feels like a terrible continuation of 2020 especially with the COVID-19 pandemic showing no signs of dying out, and no doubt, it has resulted in an ongoing sense of helplessness and anxiety. I’ve been doing good ever since meeting BTS but there are days when the depression and random panic attacks just hit too badly and everything feels so hopeless or that I feel so alone. During these hours, I allow myself to be comforted by (read: again, crying over) Zero o’clock / 00:00 especially by the repeating reminder that “You’re gonna be happy”. I’ve said it so many times before but I never *not* cry whenever I listen to this song.

I honestly can’t list all my favorite tracks (because it is A LOT) but I can say that there’s a BTS song for every emotion I’ve been feeling recently. They brought surprising comfort and it felt like in the dark vastness of the galaxy, they were my bright spots, my stars - the same way ARMY is theirs. I can’t help but feel emotional every time I am reminded of this unique bond between BTS and ARMY, especially whenever I listen to their musical love letters to the fans like Heartbeat,2! 3!, Magic Shop,Mikrokosmos, and the forever tearjerker We Are Bulletproof: The Eternal. As we say, “stan a group who stans you back!”

All my life, I’ve been generally drawn towards people who make me *want* to be better. Maybe it’s the empath in me talking but I noticed how I thrive in the presence of people who influence me to be better, happier, and more positive because they themselves try to be, as well.

I guess that’s also a big chunk as to why I have this strong attachment towards Bangtan. Aside from their songs or them as musicians, you can really feel like they’re genuinely good people who only want the best for others.

Some locals may think that we’re in love with these seven boys because they look ridiculously good (they’re not wrong. I mean LOOK AT THEM) but honestly, it goes way beyond that.

Collectively, they’re all humble kings (given their rough start up to where they are now) who never lets the fame get into their heads. Their team (even staff of events they attend) always have good words to say about their work ethics and them generally being respectful, kind, and polite individuals. 

They also go out of their way to give back to communities by supporting several social charities and having personal causes that they advocate for such as (but not limited to) campaigns spreading awareness on violence against children, mental health, and anti-asian hate. Their kindness inspires fans to the point that even ARMY organizes their own donation drives and campaigns in support of the group. A notable example is when they matched BTS’ $1M donation for the Black Lives Matter Movement - even exceeding the same amount in less than 24 hours.

Given this, I think the biggest attribution I can give them is their unshakeable bond with ARMY. You can’t talk about the group without mentioning their massive fanbase - and the boys always find ways to attribute the praise back to them. Even when they were starting out, they enjoy events (even though they won’t likely win because industry politics) because it’s a chance to perform for people who actually wants to see them. Now that they’re global stars, they never forget to appreciate those who’ve supported them, always celebrating their wins with these people (e.g whenever they have an achievement, one of their first responses is to go on Weverse to connect and thank ARMY or acknowledge them during their speeches, interviews, concerts).

It might be delulu (”delusional”) of me but there is a genuine feeling of being seen, cared for, and even loved despite just being one nameless fan out of millions. For that, I am grateful to be ARMY.

Individually, BTS members all have their charming characteristics and unique personalities that made it hard for me to pick favorites (kidding, of course I have an ult bias but I still love them all):

• Kim Namjoon/Namjoon/Rap Monster/RM, the group’s hardworking leader, is extremely intelligent. Not just because he’s an avid reader or because he speaks english fluently but really, he is legit smart with an IQ of 148. His wit can also be shown through the lyrics he writes (most of BTS songs, including member solos, are often written or co-written by RM) and the bars he raps. Most meanings jump through their english translations but there are hidden gems that can be found in his korean wordplays.
  
  One favorite would be Trivia 承 : Love wherein he sings “I’m just a person, person, person / You erode all my sharp edges / You make me into love, love, love” In korean, “person”is“사람”and“love”is“사랑”. Basically the same except for the last character wherein the edges of ㅁ were eroded into ㅇ. SIR YOUR MIND?
  
  Plus, he’s a bike-museum-coffee with a book kind of guy. What’s not to love? When I was first starting out, one of my ARMY friends actually thought I was RM-biased because I give off “namjooncore vibes” with our similarities. Well she’s not wrong. Namjoon’s my top bias-wrecker BECAUSE.

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• Kim Seokjin/Seokjin/Jin/World Wide Handsome, while often praised for his good looks, also has commendable vocals especially when he sings heart wrenching high notes. The thing about Jin, as the oldest in the group, is that he’s everyone’s hyung (older brother) meaning, he is often looked up to by other members especially since some of them started at a really young age. He takes care of the members by cooking for them and making them laugh with his dad jokes. Istg this guy is hilarious!
  
  But despite the fun-corny-guy rep, he has a hidden depth if one only takes time to notice especially when he sings about feeling not as good enough as the other members, but still doing his best to love himself and support his brothers.

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• Min Yoongi/Yoongi/Suga/Agust D is often referred to as the most introverted one in the group. To be honest, he used to be on the sidelines for me until I discovered more about them. Despite his quiet demeanor, there’s something about Yoongi’s sharp mind and equally sharp tongue when rapping (tongue technology amiright, ARMY?) that draws you in. He also provides effortless laughter with his savage quips.
  
  Ultimately, Suga rose up to my biaswrecker list with his multifaceted personality, his soft heart (even though he has a reputation in the group for being affection-averse, we know this ain’t true), and his courage in acknowledging mental health concerns, even his own. It’s admirable how dedicated he is to his craft even if his parents weren’t supportive initially. He also pushed to give the best performances despite his shoulder injury sustained when he was hit by a car while taking on part time jobs when they were just trainees to pursue his passion.
  
  Also, did I mention he’s a great cook (along with Jin)?

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• Jung Hoseok/Hoseok/J-Hope/Hobi is the group’s hope and sunshine-bearer. His reputation is always trying to make things lighter for the group, which is also a fan favorite characteristic. However, what endeared him to me is the fact that despite his bubbly personality, he also has a serious side especially during rehearsals which he takes very professionally - this greatly shows once you see him firing up the dancefloor.
  
  Hobi also constantly gives advice to members on how to improve, but at the same time, always looking out for their safety - always, first and above. This makes me so grateful that he didn’t leave before because BTS won’t be BTS without J-Hope. Also goes to show how strong of a bond these boys have and how much Hobi believes in his members.

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• Park Jimin/Jimin is one of the most known members (probably because his name is easily remembered by locals AND his charming - borderline flirty - personality). His most remarkable quality is his angelic voice that you’ll easily pick out whenever they perform, but his true love is dancing which he is very passionate about. I always remember this interview (which I can’t find now) wherein someone from their team mentioned how critical Jimin is of his skills, to the point that he blames himself when there are misses in a performance. Quite ironic because he often is the one to comfort other members who feel bad for messing up.
  
  Aside from this, one instance that made me love him even more is when an ARMY admitted to illegally streaming an online concert because she couldn’t afford the tickets and Jimin responded in the most understanding way. This ANGEL.

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• Kim Taehyung/Taehyung/V/Tae is most notably known for his good looks, no doubt. But more than just his face value, V’s warmth towards animals and little kids is unparalleled. To be honest, I think V is misunderstood most of the time because his thoughts are so unique, it takes a while for people to understand what he means but once they do, it’s usually hilarious OR deeply insightful.
  
  A running joke is that he thinks on a deeper level and sees through people’s intentions. Not everyone (especially when it comes to western media) passes “Taehyung’s vibe check” but those people who do really seem like they have BTS’s best interests at heart and remains good friends with the boys (e.g. Halsey,Ed Sheeran,James Corden,Jimmy Fallon, etc)  Lastly, I think Taehyung’s most iconic contribution to the fandom is coining the word “Borahae” which translates to “I Purple You”, BTS x ARMY’s version ofSaranghae (I love you).

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• Jeon Jungkook/Jungkook/JK is the group’s Golden Maknae, as the youngest (maknae) who is also the golden boy for being crazy multi-talented. It is a truth universally acknowledged by BTS members and ARMY that he excels in everything even on first try. I don’t even know where to start explaining why I love him so much, because I do - on so many different levels. Aside from being the same age as him (I’m literally just older by 15 days, yes I counted), he’s the primary reason why I even got into BTS in the first place after seeing his Dynamiteperformances. Afterwards, I just got swooped in by the insane amount of skills that this guy has (especially that killer voice), his charming personality, and that damn smile.
  
  As the youngest, he was basically raised by his hyungs and raised him well, they did. He became such a sweet, charismatic gentleman who can handle everything thrown his way but gets soft and emotional when he sees his hyungs struggling.
  
  I feel like he had the biggest growth from debut to present and biases aside, it’s probably because of his passion and will to do his very best in all the things he tries to achieve. Still, even though he has now grown into a man (muscles, piercings, tattoo sleeve, and all), ARMY and BTS still see him as the adorable, playful maknae that he is - and how could we not when he still gets adorably shy once in a while, like the baby that he is. It’s difficult to elaborate but seeing him just gives me a certain level of comfort and shall I say, Euphoria? The dream is to go on an outdoor, extreme sports adventure with him then have samgyupsal and drinks afterwards.

Not gonna lie, I’ve repeatedly said that I’m in a mental state of relationship-aversion but if any of these guys come around to change my mind, I’m all for it (hey google, play Waste It On Me)

Overall, this longass essay is basically my love letter to Bangtan Sonyeondan. This is proof of how much of an impact they had on my life within the span of 3 short months (and multiple merch that followed). It felt like discovering them kept my heart protected with what I’d like to call Bangtan Bubblewrap. This was the first thought I had when I received my first set of albums which came sealed in a purple bubblewrap with hearts as its “bubbles”

This bubblewrap also keeps me sane whenever I read/hear about people or media shitting on these boys, their fans, and their music. I mean, I understand preferences but straight up terrorizing the group and ARMY can get a bit too much. Still, as they always remind us, we just keep our focus on each other and be better, every day.

With the craziness and constant gloom I’ve been dealing with, BTS kept my heart from being too damaged or beaten up. At the same time, it kept me from exploding and channeling my anger towards people around me. When I’m inside my purple bangtan bubble, it feels safe, it feels like home.

They recently celebrated their 8th anniversary (FESTA!!) and I’m looking forward to celebrating more years with them and the fandom. I hope BTS and ARMY will all stay healthy and will be together for a long time

Closing this with the everlasting words of J-Hope:

“Liking BTS was the best decision ever”

- as to which ARMY always reply, “we’re in this bangtan sonyeondan shit for life!” And really, we are.