#xfactorannual6

There’s one more backup story in X-Factor Annual #6 that I want to comment on. It’s about Mystique who is apparently not dead, but seems to be taking some time off to mourn the death of her partner Destiny. This is a very good story, and I recommend reading it. We see Mystique reminiscing about her relationship with Destiny as she prepares to spread her ashes at a specific time and place of Destiny’s choosing, and the candid flashbacks we’re shown depict some heartbreaking interactions between the two as they struggle with the fact that Mystique is basically immortal, and Destiny isn’t. But … and I’m going to spoil this for you, because it’s precious, it all leads up to the exact moment that Destiny directed Mystique to spread her ashes, and this happens.

This was almost worth suffering through the Kings of Pain crossover. (X-Factor Annual #6 – 1991)

Ok, how is this Operation Desert Storm bloodbath going to end? First, you’ll be relieved to know that Crimson Commando didn’t get his legs blown off, despite what the coloring in the first panel here would have you believe:

He’s practically fucking dead though, and he did indeed have half his face blown clean off, and the hesitation in Avalanche’s demeanor to possibly give a shit is absolutely delicious, so there’s still that. Next, the Blob and Pyro get desperate and start straight up murdering bitches, proven here when Veil gets incinerated in just about the most brutal fashion possible.

“Barbequed.” “Babe.” JFC. Avalanche manages to get Crimson Commando to the extraction point and then ruthlessly makes the decision to leave everyone else behind.

And he doesn’t sugar coat it at all because … they aren’t worth it. “Hey sorry guys! We’re going to fuck off on out of here! Maybe try the embassy! Or the underground resistance? I dunno. Good luck!” And that’s how this story ends. With Crimson Commando’s face falling off, Avalanche fist fucking his teammates, and the Blob and Pyro getting captured as prisoners of war. 

You gotta be shitting me! What happens after this!! Do the Blob and Pyro get waterboarded?? Guys, one time in college a friend got his car stuck on the highway during a really bad snow storm and a bunch of us went out to help him but we couldn’t all fit in the car headed out there and one guy who was with us who really didn’t want to go in the first place was like “shit I guess there’s no room, well anyway, I’ll take a roast beef and a curly fry from Arbys.” That’s what this is like! Except they’re in Iraq and they’re probably going to be executed!! What was the point of this story?? Do they follow up on this? I’ll be watching for it. (X-Factor Annual #6 – 1991)

Scott’s plan to let the Proteus problem fix itself by convincing Proteus to commit suicide works, and suprise, suprise, one of the only voices of dissent is Scott’s abandoned bastard kid Cable. Proteus’s own mothers don’t even give a shit, although based on that disembodied head there maybe we’re supposed to assume that the Shadow King is still influencing Moira. I don’t fucking know, but what I do know is that Piecemeal is fucking dead, and I’m pretty god damn sure he had no intention of committing suicide at the start of this story. He seemed like he was wanting to be relieved of the pain that was being inflicted on him throughout this entire train wreck of a crossover. And guys . . . guys … get this. Want to know who the “Kings of Pain” end up being? It’s one of those Rob Liefeld characters whose name you will never remember, and Toad.

Toad! Toad was the chessmaster! Fucking Mortimer Toynbee himself! This guy!This rube! I don’t fucking believe it. I’m starting to remember why I quit reading X-Men for a couple of decades there after Claremont left. (X-Factor Annual #6 – 1991)

Not even one person, not a single one of you Scott Summers sympathizers out there, should be surprised that Cyclops’s solution to this epsilon level threat, this minor inconvenience, this wayward soul who’s just trying to figure things out and isn’t really hurting anyone, is for Proteus to go fuck himself. Literally, in Scott’s mind, everything in his life would just be easier if anyone that’s causing him even the slightest inconvenience would just fuck off and die. Like, he could have got divorced. He could have provided some closure and financial support to his wife and child which could have prevented her from transforming into a Goblin Queen. He could have been honest and just admitted he was a dickhead who would rather be with his ex-girlfriend, but also, granted, it was a lot easier when Madelyne just died. That’s why it seemed like he was pretending to be upset when it happened. How many times is this man going to ritualistically exhibit this sort of toxic behavior before everyone realizes what a dickhead he is!! The only redeeming thing about this scene is when everyone else is debating whether to go through with Cyclops’s asshole plan, Feral refers to Shatterstar as … “Shattybuns.”

Heavenly. (X-Factor Annual #6 – 1991)

This is the last issue of the Kings of Pain crossover, and for the finale we get a real coup de grace of a cover. A pile of dead X-Factor characters lying in Piecemeal’s bloated energy crotch. You know what, ever since this crossover started I’ve had no idea what the title was referring to. Who are the Kings of Pain? Is it Piecemeal’s abusive mother, Harness? Is it the government agents attempting to resurrect Proteus? Is it the shadowy chess-masters who I haven’t even posted about because all of their scenes are super boring? No, it’s this. It’s a bunch of dead superheroes swimming in Piecemeal’s crotch. This is the Kings of Pain. (X-Factor Annual #6 – 1991)