#and share this with someone out there

This has been the most eventful week of my life.

From new job opportunities, special events at the school I work, interviews and meetings with my superiors, to me having to re-adapt as fast as I could to waking up very early. Even when preparing my things the day before, and trying not to break at the same time, I felt like I wasn’t myself, that I was seeing everything from the outside.

I know I should be gentle with myself, understand my limits, and that I’m not going to be perfect or give my all a hundred percent of the time. That I must not be someone I’m not, and do what I can to do a good job. I know I’m not supposed to please anyone all the time, that I’m going to make mistakes, and that that’s okay. That I’m not supposed to be so hard on myself, reach an impossible ideal or try to heat the right notes all the time. That I can’t embrace everything in life and be in control of things that are out of my reach, that it’s okay to just take things slow and not be perfect always. I just need to really absorb and understand all that.

This entire situation seems bigger than me, scarier even. It made me doubt myself so many times, my anxiety reach the highest peaks. I never felt this way before.

I never checked my e-mail every five seconds. I never felt so anxious getting notifications on my cell. My grandma always says that the battles come only to the real warriors, but I don’t really feel that way?

Tomorrow I start at my new job. I never had to work in the morning and afternoon (because I usually work part-time or only a few days in a week), or take care of shorter periods of time at a school. It’s a new experience, the salary is really that good, but somehow… I don’t feel ready for that.

I’m a chickenshit, I’m scared of letting people down or doing something wrong (because this is all so new). I’m not going to lie and be all happy dancing around. People even said to me, ‘go even if you’re afraid’, but… I just don’t know anymore.