Living in a heteronormative world is really odd to me. Like we as a society have grown up with predominantly straight couples in shows, movies, and on social media. But if a gay couple is in a movie or even an animation for any amount of time mums and dads alike are raising hell and screaming that “the lgbtq+ community is trying to corrupt their child and they’ll have none of it” so their gonna start a petition that does absolutely fuck all just to show that they are immature bigots. Like I grew up watching straight couples being plastered everywhere up until I was about 16 and look at me, alla that straight influence and I’m still gay as fuck. Like I dont understand this shit and the people that think that we as a community are trying to corrupt people while most of us spend all day shitposting and eat hot chips while avoiding social interaction of any kind.

Not me running out of words to reply when my gf told me I’m dear to her uhhh girl

As you all can tell i cannot draw anything big apart from like commissions :’)

Sometimes heartbreak isn’t experienced just from losing a lover; sometimes it’s at 3 in the morning and you miss your best friend that you don’t talk to anymore, sometimes it’s when you see a picture of a place you used to live in but you’re very far from it now, sometimes it’s from the stories and poems you read and hear about or when you miss the taste of a home-cooked meal. The human heart is so strong yet so fragile because although it is made of muscle we see and hear and listen and feel and love a bit too much about everything.

Your 20s are as a confusing time as your teenage years, because you have this realisation of new responsibilities and adulthood but you still feel like you’re a child, and you keep on looking at adults to tell you if you’re doing something wrong except you yourself are an adult now, and you keep second guessing yourself through things with faked confidence while also having a nervous meltdown inside, and it feels so freeing but scary at the same time, kinda like the first time you cross the road by yourself.

Sometimes I wonder if people are only kind because they are told that being kind leads to good karma and good things; so doesn’t that mean people are only kind because it benefits them? But then I remember a stranger running after me in the rain because I dropped some money, a cashier going the extra mile to help me with my things, a store manager helping when I didn’t have enough money on me and I think that kindness is a choice that we make but mostly it is a choice we make unconsciously; no ulterior motives whatsoever and most of the time our actions strive for good.

I feel like some books you just understand it better at a different age. Like high school me didn’t get the humour behind Pride and Prejudice till I read it again a couple years later in college and I absolutely loved it. Similarly I can never have that happy glazed eye look after reading Harry Potter the way I did when I was 11 because there are so many things I nitpick about it now. I still love the series but at the same time I can’t accept some parts of the story that 11 year old me would have taken for granted.

I wish we could go back or bring back a time when we could study for enjoyment; when studying wasn’t about getting the best grades from standardised tests that barely make you think outside the box; when people genuinely sought knowledge for the sake of learning. Nowadays it’s all about getting a good degree just to make money, we want to finish our education quickly so we can start earning money quickly and in between we miss out out on the learning and it’s more of just racing to the finish line. It pains me so much that so many people who could’ve contributed a lot to society, are now lost just because of a piece of paper, or because they didn’t have enough money or they just lost the motivation for their passion.

A conversation with the cashier at a bookstore; a whisper in between shelves at a library; a joke with that barista; a confession at a church: sometimes it’s amazing how small interactions with strangers can make you feel as though not all of humanity is bad.

Holding space. The haven I had created for myself slowly withered away when I became entangled with you. I felt safe at first, but soon the vulnerability became overwhelming. I felt myself restructuring the walls around my heart. Stronger than they were before. Impenetrable. By the time I had noticed that my walls were back up and twice the size they used to be, I had fallen so far away from the person I thought I was. I don’t recognize the girl in the mirror staring back at me. The only time I feel comfortable is when I am completely alone. I become someone else when I am with other people. I love the person that I am when I am alone. I know what I want, I know what I like, I think I know who I am. As soon as another person is in the picture it’s like I forget who I am, and I mutate into these unrecognizable versions of myself. I don’t even know who I am when I’m with you. I hate who I become when I’m with you. It’s like all of the inner work I’ve done just disappears and I’m a wounded little girl again. I become a monster who can’t control their emotions, let alone feel them.

Coming back home for the holidays is weird. I’m reminded of every past Christmas morning and this one is not the same as the rest. This one is different. I’m older now, I’m broken now, I can’t forget my anxiety now. My siblings are different people and my parents look at us like we are the same. Sometimes I wish we could go back to then, when we didn’t try so hard to make each other mad. When our bedrooms were just feet apart and our houses weren’t halfway across the state. I wish we could talk about more things besides high school and memories from then. We don’t talk about our lives now or what we’re going through. Everything isn’t sunshine and rainbows, but we’re expected to act as such. I can’t keep acting like life is perfect.. have our parents always acted this way, or am I just noticing it now? Is everybody secretly miserable and depressed? Do we all fake a smile until we go to bed? Or is it just me?

Tbh why do I even keep trying to make art when I barely get 1 or 2 likes on it. I spend all this time, hours and hours, putting so much work Into my art. I cant even get a reblog. Sure my bike exploded and has a over 1000 reactions to it but when I posted just the psyducks by themselves, nothing……. people just like the idea not the actual art :(

I dunno this is a rant. I’m getting so tired of being disappointed that nobody likes my art enough to share it…. I keep getting told “ oh it’s so amazing you should post it you would get so many likes” YEA IVE TRIED BUT YOU DONT EVER LIKE TO SHARE IT SO…..ugh

why didn’t anyone ever explain that grief doesn’t always feel like being sad immediately and being sad about the Thing and the Thing only? a lot of the time grief is not believing the Thing when you first find out (and judging yourself for feeling nothing), and then being generally and oppressively sad about “nothing in particular” (it is about the Thing, you realize), and then (way later than what you thing is “normal”) actually being sad specifically about the Thing - but not quite in the oppressive bone-chilling all-encompassing way, in more of a fleeting yet enduring way where the Thing is now a part of you (you aren’t exactly sad, you aren’t exactly happy despite the Thing, maybe you just travel through the highs and lows of life with the Thing)

why am i just realizing this is how grief works (aka learning that the way i grieve is not Wrong) at 20? two deaths and three losses in a year and change will make you realize stuff i guess

Ted and Rebecca ARE where the show is going.

Ted and Rebecca are too important to be fucked with, they needed to establish a deep emotional connection first. They needed to lay down a foundation of trust and deep understanding. Once this is done, it’s very easy to ramp up the sexual tension: you literally only need one scene, one look, one touch.

The writers don’t want Ted and Rebecca to be explicit right now. We see them subtly set things up all of the time like with Sam and Rebecca, so why is it unfathomable that they’re doing the same with Ted and Rebecca but on a much larger scale?

No show ever did something like 1991 for platonic soulmates. Shows never went to such great lengths to show two characters were soulmates. It’s simply not worth the trouble. “What if I met my soulmate and it changed the whole course of my life” vs “this job you gave me has changed my life” + 1991 + the two fake outs at moments it would have been awful for them to get together + some of the faces Ted makes in 104, 109, 110… + T/R strolling through town with Last Christmas playing (of all the songs…) + Ted constantly being set up as the exact opposite of Rupert + Ted’s crush being a woman who is the exact copy of Rebecca are a great set up and proves that the writers ARE going there. We’re in a three parts ROMCOM, the writers spelled it out loud to us in 205. Jason’s inspirations for the show are Nora Ephron, Aaron Sorkin and Ron Shelton…

The writers know what they are doing. They’re all romcom fans, Bill Lawrence never had two leads not end up together, and he said himself in 2019 “If you’re going to keep leads apart, you have to do meaningful relationships with those leads and other actors and actresses, who aren’t just played as plot points; people get invested.” That was what they did with Sam and Rebecca this season. And Jason said S2 was “in order to love others, you need to FIRST love yourself”, which is a pretty good philosophy to go by.

Bottom line is, Ted and Rebecca won’t end up alone.They both deserve to experience the greatest love, especially Rebecca who was abused and cheated on for 12 years. They’re not gonna have a woman who said “is it ever possible to truly feel safe with someone, I suppose you can’t”, “all relationships are a nightmare, something always goes wrong” end up alone. Especially as Rupert said “in the end, it’s all about being with the right person isn’t it ?”. That would make Rupert the winner, and that’s not something any of the twelve writers would do. Also, watch her reactions when Higgins talks about his wife… she CRAVES a great love story.

She is gonna find her lightning, as she deserves to. And lightning is unpredictable, something you don’t really see coming, which fits T/R really well.

And Jesus, Sam and Rebecca are OVER. They broke up (Toheeb confirmed it, and he didn’t even need to) and there’s a two months time jump at the end of S2. Why are there still people not grasping this very simple fact ??

What is up with 2020 and screenwriters giving us lackluster endings to otherwise enjoyable shows??

First Game of Thrones, then The 100, and now Supernatural?

I’ll be the first to say a creator shouldn’t completely abandon their own ideas because someone reads them differently than intended, but the converse of this is also true. Just because someone has predicted how things will end doesn’t mean the creator needs to change things to maintain surprise. If anything, a fan being able to correctly guess the ending is a sign of good writing through effective foreshadowing and presentation of themes.

Instead, writers and showrunners are doing fans dirty in their insistence on “unexpected” endings where the unexpected completely defies character development in favor of being edgy.

All this rambling to say I am currently Big Sad.

Oh well. I guess this is why we have the fanfiction community. The stories we love are only truly over if we want them to be.

This has been the most eventful week of my life.

From new job opportunities, special events at the school I work, interviews and meetings with my superiors, to me having to re-adapt as fast as I could to waking up very early. Even when preparing my things the day before, and trying not to break at the same time, I felt like I wasn’t myself, that I was seeing everything from the outside.

I know I should be gentle with myself, understand my limits, and that I’m not going to be perfect or give my all a hundred percent of the time. That I must not be someone I’m not, and do what I can to do a good job. I know I’m not supposed to please anyone all the time, that I’m going to make mistakes, and that that’s okay. That I’m not supposed to be so hard on myself, reach an impossible ideal or try to heat the right notes all the time. That I can’t embrace everything in life and be in control of things that are out of my reach, that it’s okay to just take things slow and not be perfect always. I just need to really absorb and understand all that.

This entire situation seems bigger than me, scarier even. It made me doubt myself so many times, my anxiety reach the highest peaks. I never felt this way before.

I never checked my e-mail every five seconds. I never felt so anxious getting notifications on my cell. My grandma always says that the battles come only to the real warriors, but I don’t really feel that way?

Tomorrow I start at my new job. I never had to work in the morning and afternoon (because I usually work part-time or only a few days in a week), or take care of shorter periods of time at a school. It’s a new experience, the salary is really that good, but somehow… I don’t feel ready for that.

I’m a chickenshit, I’m scared of letting people down or doing something wrong (because this is all so new). I’m not going to lie and be all happy dancing around. People even said to me, ‘go even if you’re afraid’, but… I just don’t know anymore.

Have… have I seriously been mishearing the lyrics to Undead… for the last NINE YEARS?

It took me re-listening to Out the way for the first time in years to notice it.

Like not even something in the verses.

I’m talking about the fucking chorus.