I don’t know what’s up with all this today, since I’m seeing cissexism, transmisogyny and exorsexism being discussed on a couple of different aro blogs, concerning a couple of different people. I’m quite disappointed, given that for so long the aro-spec community felt so unquestioningly accepting of all trans, non-binary, genderqueer, agender and cultural gender folks–in a way often not afforded to us in broader LGBTQIA+ spaces.
Regardless, here’s a quiet reminder that the only aro-spec community I’m interested in promoting and nurturing is one that’s unequivocally supportive of one’s right to declare one’s gender, genders, shifting gender or lack of gender and be referred to by and naturally included within the names, terms and pronouns each individual dictates as appropriate for their gender, genders, shifting gender or lack of gender. One’s AGAB (assigned gender at birth) or shape/degree of transitioning is no barrier to allowing someone the basic respect and dignity of being treated as the person they say they are. One’s relationship to or distance from the gender binary is no barrier to allowing someone the basic respect and dignity of being treated as the person they say they are.
Being of the aromantic spectrum is for many of us an experience of looking at a carelessly amatonormative world and saying no, your narrow assumptions on how to be human don’t suit or include me, please let me live as best suits me with the same support and acceptance you take for granted. How can we be here fighting against amatonormativity as aro-specs while declaring the exact same philosophy inappropriate for non-cis folks on the spectrum of gender identity?
It seems to me that an aro-spec who understands and appreciates the true, accepting spirit of the aro-spec community cannot then go and deny trans, NB, GQ, agender and cultural gender aro-specs this same acceptance. Most of us, I think, are not anywhere near so hypocritical as to do this, but it saddens me that there’s a few outlying people who are.
And as a trans, agender aromantic: my blog, my content and my activism is not for someone who rejects the legitimacy of my gender identity and experiences. You have no right to disrespect me and my fellow non-cis aro-specs while still thinking to take advantage of our efforts in building this community.
We’re here. We’re not a minority in aro-spec spaces. We’re helping to build the roof under which you’re seeking to shelter. Respect us non-cis aro-specs as we deserve or stand in the rain on your own.
Disregarding someone’s right to declare their own gender identity and be respected as a person of that gender identity based on your ignorance and hatred isn’t and will never be in the spirit of the aro-spec community.
And for the cis aro-specs I’ve seen step up and declare that they won’t allow cissexism, exorsexism and transmisogyny as any kind of norm in their aro-spec spaces, thank you.
Hello! I have made a survey to gather data on the loveless aro community, which you can takeHERE. There isn’t a set date for when the survey will be closed, as that depends on how much data I can gather. Results will be posted on this blog.
Both loveless aros and aromantics who do not identify as loveless can participate. Loveless aros will mainly be asked their reasons for using the loveless label, and a few personal opinions regarding the community. Non-loveless aromantics will mainly be asked about their opinions regarding the label of loveless aro. Both groups will be given demographic questions. In the case of loveless aros, the demographic questions aim to find trends within the loveless community, while the same demographic questions for non-loveless aros may serve as a control sample.
Also, as I’ve been asked this before, all people on the aromantic spectrum are welcome to participate, regardless of the specific labels they use.
Things I need the adult aromantic community to talk about more*
*specifically those who intend to be single for life.
1) how to get a good mortgage and buy your first home as a single person.
2) how, exactly, do estate taxes work you intend to leave everything to siblings/cousins and are cousins considered distant relatives?
3) how to deal with the increased cost of health insurance when you are not/don’t plan on marrying.
3a) how much extra will I have to spend on all insurances in general by being single?
4) banking in general while single: how to get benefits from banks similar to those that married couples receive.
5) does family leave at work include siblings/parents or is it limited to spouses/children?
6) how to ensure the right people are making medical decisions for you in the case of an emergency.
7) single parent adoption?
8) single parent IVF (and how to deal with insurances denying you for being single).
9) raising a child as single parent.
There are a lot more but…you know. These are all things I really wish I knew right now.
Hey there, late 30s aro here. I’ve never married or had children. I have lived with partners before, but not since my early 20s. I’m American, so my answers go out to all the American aros, since we have our own special bizarre financial system here that doesn’t work like any other country.
1) I’ve never taken out a mortgage and I don’t plan to ever, so I don’t have a whole lot to say about this. I paid for my car in cash by just saving until I could afford it, avoiding getting a bank involved at all. But from what I understand, a mortgage as a single person shouldn’t be any different from a couple. Your options are mostly based on your income. If your income is below the national average, banks are gonna try to screw you. Try credit unions instead. Actually that’s just good general advice for all Americans. Do business with credit unions instead of banks as much as possible. The big banks are run by evil people who are directly responsible for ruining the lives of millions of Americans.
2) I don’t know anything about estates. I just handled everything individually. I have listed my sister as a beneficiary on my bank accounts, retirement accounts, insurance plans, and whatever else has something to give out to a beneficiary. Most of these things ask you to list a beneficiary when you sign up for accounts, so there’s nothing extra you need to do. If they didn’t ask that to begin with, just call them and tell them you want to list a beneficiary on those accounts. They’ll tell you how to do this.
3) I’ve never encountered insurance costing more for being single. Health insurance is stupid expensive (and in general a massive scam) in the US no matter what your status is. Your best bet is to get a health insurance plan provided by your employer. Each employer handles that differently, and part of your employee orientation should be getting an explanation of how that company handles health insurance. If you don’t have the option of insurance from your employer, expect to pay $400-$1000/mo (yes, you read that number right; health insurance costs more than rent in half the country) for a private plan, try to get on Medicaid if you’re poor, or just go without insurance and pay out of pocket and visit free clinics as much as you can. If you’re uninsured and land in the hospital and can’t pay the bill, your best option is probably to declare bankruptcy. Yes, healthcare in the US is massively broken and it sucks. I have plenty of horror stories about the travesty that is our healthcare system, even personal ones, so just do the best you can and vote for politicians who want to implement universal socialized healthcare. Even most Democrat politicians are opposed to this, so make it known to your representatives that this is a top priority for you. Hopefully your generation will turn the tide and bring real progressivism to our country.
4) I’ve never heard of banks giving benefits to married couples that single people can’t get, at least in some other form. Everything seems to work pretty much the same. The big financial thing you should do if you’re single, especially if you aren’t having children, is open a retirement account as soon as possible. Do it with your very first job. If you have to choose between paying off debts and opening a retirement account, pay the debts first, you get a bigger bang for your buck that way. But the earlier you start saving, the better off you’ll be when you retire. If your employer offers a matching retirement plan, ride that gravy train up to the limit of the matching policy. Brokerages almost always negotiate with employers to get ridiculously high fees with their employee retirement account plans, so contribute as much as your employer will match, and stop there. If you want to save more beyond that or your employer doesn’t offer a matching plan, call Vanguard and tell them you want to open a Roth IRA. Put as much as you can into it every year. If you want to contribute more than the yearly Roth IRA limit, then you’re doing better financially than I ever did and you’re probably pretty well off, but you can open a traditional IRA with Vanguard as well and contribute to that. When you quit your job, don’t keep your employee retirement account with the same brokerage your employer hired, roll it over into a traditional IRA with Vanguard, because it will be cheaper that way. When you pick funds for your accounts in Vanguard, choose index funds with low fees. As long as you aren’t disabled or otherwise screwed by capitalism, being able to save like this is your biggest economic advantage as someone who won’t marry.
5) This will completely depend on your employer. Ask your HR department.
6) I can’t remember what it’s called, but you have to hire a lawyer and tell them you want to appoint someone to make medical decisions for you in the event that you can’t. They’ll know what you’re talking about and can draft the appropriate documents for you. A lawyer is required for this process, you can’t just do it by yourself.
7 through 9) I have no interest in having children, so I have no information about this. I got sterilized, and as a single person, you might encounter resistance from doctors about getting sterilized, which is bullshit, but it happens. If you want to get sterilized and get pushback from doctors, just insist it’s what you want, and if they still refuse, tell them you’re sure some other surgeon will be happy to take your money. If that doesn’t win them over, just walk away and find a different surgeon. Eventually you’ll find a surgeon who doesn’t have his head stuck up his ass looking for a portal to the 1950s.
I noticed in your questions that you seem concerned about mortgages and insurance as a single person. In my experience, these aren’t the big financial hits I took as a single person. My struggles were with rent and food bills.
Good luck finding any apartment or house designed for just one person, anywhere. Outside of the tiny home movement, they just aren’t made, and landlords will always try to gouge you for being single. This is the biggest “single tax” in American life: rent. In most cities, there’s nothing to do about this but aggressively search for the tiniest, cheapest thing you can find that you’re still comfortable living in, or get a roommate. A few single people I know bought a house to live in and then rented out all the other rooms in the house on Airbnb. Outside of the cities, you can probably find something reasonably cheap, so you could possibly save a lot of money by living in a rural area if you can stand it.
Food is hard because so much food comes in family-sized packages. A lot of my food would spoil before I could eat it all. To get around this, you just have to be shrewd with what you buy at the grocery store. If you live in an agricultural area, farmers’ markets are great for this, because you get fresh food for cheap at the amount you want. Also, learn what food freezes well. A good freezer is your best friend as a single aro cooking at home.
This was very helpful thank you!
As for your last comments: those are the exact reasons I am specifically trying to find a house of my own to live in and am currently job hunting/house hunting. My rent has been killing me and i am so tired of having a roommate that, at this point in my life, I’ve realized it’s time for me to ‘move on’.
As for food: 100% freezer is your best friend. Also grocery stores that sell individual produce and meat areas where you can ask for ¼th lb of beef as needed. This is also another reason I’m looking to get myself a house: garden space. While food is a huge money-sink I am a decent enough gardener to grow some of the more simple stuff myself and to care for some chickens (though financially that will be a sink to start with). Apartments just can’t offer that, not even ones that offer ‘communal gardens’ (that usually require you pay extra for anyway).
Yes, chickens are a great idea. I’m also a gardener, though I mostly grow herbs and spices rather than vegetables. I save a good bit of money on that, since spices are expensive, and I prefer my food to be strongly flavored. I also try to grow more than I need and trade with other gardeners. I’m a bit of a pepper nerd, so I grow some unusual varieties that can’t be found in produce stores. A few people have learned to come to me when they want interesting peppers. I trade all sorts of things for them: vegetables, eggs, homemade pastries, whatever they want to offer. I know someone who makes homemade ice cream who requests peppers from me every year and gives me free ice cream in return. You could probably do the same thing with chicken eggs.
Good luck. Our society really is not friendly to people living alone, financially or socially.
Things I need the adult aromantic community to talk about more*
*specifically those who intend to be single for life.
1) how to get a good mortgage and buy your first home as a single person.
2) how, exactly, do estate taxes work you intend to leave everything to siblings/cousins and are cousins considered distant relatives?
3) how to deal with the increased cost of health insurance when you are not/don’t plan on marrying.
3a) how much extra will I have to spend on all insurances in general by being single?
4) banking in general while single: how to get benefits from banks similar to those that married couples receive.
5) does family leave at work include siblings/parents or is it limited to spouses/children?
6) how to ensure the right people are making medical decisions for you in the case of an emergency.
7) single parent adoption?
8) single parent IVF (and how to deal with insurances denying you for being single).
9) raising a child as single parent.
There are a lot more but…you know. These are all things I really wish I knew right now.
Hey there, late 30s aro here. I’ve never married or had children. I have lived with partners before, but not since my early 20s. I’m American, so my answers go out to all the American aros, since we have our own special bizarre financial system here that doesn’t work like any other country.
1) I’ve never taken out a mortgage and I don’t plan to ever, so I don’t have a whole lot to say about this. I paid for my car in cash by just saving until I could afford it, avoiding getting a bank involved at all. But from what I understand, a mortgage as a single person shouldn’t be any different from a couple. Your options are mostly based on your income. If your income is below the national average, banks are gonna try to screw you. Try credit unions instead. Actually that’s just good general advice for all Americans. Do business with credit unions instead of banks as much as possible. The big banks are run by evil people who are directly responsible for ruining the lives of millions of Americans.
2) I don’t know anything about estates. I just handled everything individually. I have listed my sister as a beneficiary on my bank accounts, retirement accounts, insurance plans, and whatever else has something to give out to a beneficiary. Most of these things ask you to list a beneficiary when you sign up for accounts, so there’s nothing extra you need to do. If they didn’t ask that to begin with, just call them and tell them you want to list a beneficiary on those accounts. They’ll tell you how to do this.
3) I’ve never encountered insurance costing more for being single. Health insurance is stupid expensive (and in general a massive scam) in the US no matter what your status is. Your best bet is to get a health insurance plan provided by your employer. Each employer handles that differently, and part of your employee orientation should be getting an explanation of how that company handles health insurance. If you don’t have the option of insurance from your employer, expect to pay $400-$1000/mo (yes, you read that number right; health insurance costs more than rent in half the country) for a private plan, try to get on Medicaid if you’re poor, or just go without insurance and pay out of pocket and visit free clinics as much as you can. If you’re uninsured and land in the hospital and can’t pay the bill, your best option is probably to declare bankruptcy. Yes, healthcare in the US is massively broken and it sucks. I have plenty of horror stories about the travesty that is our healthcare system, even personal ones, so just do the best you can and vote for politicians who want to implement universal socialized healthcare. Even most Democrat politicians are opposed to this, so make it known to your representatives that this is a top priority for you. Hopefully your generation will turn the tide and bring real progressivism to our country.
4) I’ve never heard of banks giving benefits to married couples that single people can’t get, at least in some other form. Everything seems to work pretty much the same. The big financial thing you should do if you’re single, especially if you aren’t having children, is open a retirement account as soon as possible. Do it with your very first job. If you have to choose between paying off debts and opening a retirement account, pay the debts first, you get a bigger bang for your buck that way. But the earlier you start saving, the better off you’ll be when you retire. If your employer offers a matching retirement plan, ride that gravy train up to the limit of the matching policy. Brokerages almost always negotiate with employers to get ridiculously high fees with their employee retirement account plans, so contribute as much as your employer will match, and stop there. If you want to save more beyond that or your employer doesn’t offer a matching plan, call Vanguard and tell them you want to open a Roth IRA. Put as much as you can into it every year. If you want to contribute more than the yearly Roth IRA limit, then you’re doing better financially than I ever did and you’re probably pretty well off, but you can open a traditional IRA with Vanguard as well and contribute to that. When you quit your job, don’t keep your employee retirement account with the same brokerage your employer hired, roll it over into a traditional IRA with Vanguard, because it will be cheaper that way. When you pick funds for your accounts in Vanguard, choose index funds with low fees. As long as you aren’t disabled or otherwise screwed by capitalism, being able to save like this is your biggest economic advantage as someone who won’t marry.
5) This will completely depend on your employer. Ask your HR department.
6) I can’t remember what it’s called, but you have to hire a lawyer and tell them you want to appoint someone to make medical decisions for you in the event that you can’t. They’ll know what you’re talking about and can draft the appropriate documents for you. A lawyer is required for this process, you can’t just do it by yourself.
7 through 9) I have no interest in having children, so I have no information about this. I got sterilized, and as a single person, you might encounter resistance from doctors about getting sterilized, which is bullshit, but it happens. If you want to get sterilized and get pushback from doctors, just insist it’s what you want, and if they still refuse, tell them you’re sure some other surgeon will be happy to take your money. If that doesn’t win them over, just walk away and find a different surgeon. Eventually you’ll find a surgeon who doesn’t have his head stuck up his ass looking for a portal to the 1950s.
I noticed in your questions that you seem concerned about mortgages and insurance as a single person. In my experience, these aren’t the big financial hits I took as a single person. My struggles were with rent and food bills.
Good luck finding any apartment or house designed for just one person, anywhere. Outside of the tiny home movement, they just aren’t made, and landlords will always try to gouge you for being single. This is the biggest “single tax” in American life: rent. In most cities, there’s nothing to do about this but aggressively search for the tiniest, cheapest thing you can find that you’re still comfortable living in, or get a roommate. A few single people I know bought a house to live in and then rented out all the other rooms in the house on Airbnb. Outside of the cities, you can probably find something reasonably cheap, so you could possibly save a lot of money by living in a rural area if you can stand it.
Food is hard because so much food comes in family-sized packages. A lot of my food would spoil before I could eat it all. To get around this, you just have to be shrewd with what you buy at the grocery store. If you live in an agricultural area, farmers’ markets are great for this, because you get fresh food for cheap at the amount you want. Also, learn what food freezes well. A good freezer is your best friend as a single aro cooking at home.
For me, being aromantic is a relief more than anything else. I never knew why I always felt uncomfortable when people, who hardly knew me more than a little reciprocated banter (which was ALWAYS mistakenly thought of as flirting… not my intention,) would want to date me. I felt pressured in high school to find someone and was frustrated that I couldn’t because I was “picky” about my dating standards. Everyone else seemed to have no problem doing it, so why did I? I always told myself it was because I was so focused on school and extracurriculars and never thought any different. When I first started identifying with the term aromantic though, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Now, I don’t have to make excuses, worry about finding someone, or participate in romance if I don’t want to. It’s a relief, comfort, explanation and sense of acceptance all in one.
I run a prominent group blog, The Asexual Agenda, and one of our goals is to promote insightful commentary. Although we are an ace blog, we regularly promote and discuss content from the aro community as well–including allo aro stuff. If you have some commentary, and would like people to see it and talk about it, I’m here for you, so let me know.
This is an especially great opportunity if for some reason you want the attention of people in the ace community. For example, we recently hosted a collection of aro complaints about ace communities.
If this offer interests you, then I have another post with further details and caveats. The most important detail is that I can promote you in two ways: link to your content, or host it. Message me and we can discuss our approach.
And although I’m emphasizing that this offer is open to aros, naturally it is open to aces as well.
With a number of exciting summer plans ahead of us in 2021, our team is excited to welcome new members to our volunteer team!
Did you know that all of the work our organization takes on is powered by our volunteers? Our volunteers help us share resources and stories from our community, plan for events like Ace Week, create educational materials, and more!
When you join our team, you become a part of our volunteer community. Not only do our volunteers get to learn new skills and make a real difference in ace and aro communities, they also get to meet other passionate activists through social events and activities!
Our organization is committed to anti-racist and anti-oppressive practice, and we especially welcome applications from folks who can bring their own lived experiences of marginalization to help fight injustices facing our communities. This includes applicants who are Black, Indigenous and people of color, Disabled and/or neurodivergent people, and trans and/or nonbinary people.
Interested in learning more? Check out our volunteer application for further details!
ALT
