The way I realized I was aro was when I would like get paranoid that people I knew were romantically into me and like imagine what I would say if they asked me out, even tho I said I wanted to be in a relationship. And then I was like wait what if I never end up with someone and that I was like would that really be so bad. Taking the pressure of having to be in a relationship out of my life made it so much easier to be happy.
Gentle reminder that memes and inside jokes relating to human identity, such as race, gender, sexuality, ableness, neurodivergency, etc. don’t always apply to everyone in that ingroup, and if you don’t relate to all the fun jokes in a community, your identity is still valid. People are complex and one person with that identity may not share the same experiences and feelings as another. I think that makes every person so special and a point to be celebrated.
Even though I’m aroace, I recognize that I have the passing privilege of an allohet. In the vast majority of scenarios, I don’t get harassed, threatened, or “corrected” for my orientation. There are some who aren’t as lucky as me. Especially because I’m romance-favorable. I can’t relate to the “ew love” of aro meme culture or the “love makes you complete and human” from allo culture.
It’s like a firepit to me. I want to make a campfire to roast some marshmallows, but my lighter works differently. It’s not broken or bad, just doesn’t make fire often. I strike it over and over, but it rarely makes any sparks, and a spark doesn’t mean the log will catch flame. I look to my left; there are loads of people with fire and toasted marshmallows. I look to my right; there’s a smaller group who don’t have fire, but some don’t want marshmallows and others think marshmallows are gross, so they don’t need a spark. I know that I don’t need toasted marshmallows to live, but it would be nice to have.
It’s reading romance negative posts online and simultaneously seeing the image of a “whole” person with a partner that sometimes makes me think I don’t belong anywhere.
the aro & ace space network! a network for people under the ace and/or aro spectrum to talk and get to know other people like us, to share a safe space, and to defy the discourse so commonly pinned against us in the general community!
how to join:
be anywhere on the aro spectrum, ace spectrum, or both.
reblog this post - it would help us to boost and gain more wonderful members - or simply like or just leave it if you are in the closet.
and fill in this simple typeformjust to give us a better idea of who you are, and for organisation purposes.
there is no limit or close date for becoming a member of this network.
Strap yourselves in lads, this is gonna be a long one. So, you want to be an alloaro ally, but you don’t know how to start or what to avoid. Lets talk about it.
This post is going to be split up into two sections. Allyship for Alloromantic Allosexuals (Alloallo’s)andAllyship for Fellow Aspecs (Aroaces, Alloaces, Non-Sam Aces, etc). This is also going to be a relatively long post so just keep that in mind. Anyway, lets get started.
Allyship For Alloallo’s
So, you’re someone who isn’t a part of the aspec community looking to be an alloaro ally? Epic, lets get you started on the right track! Being an alloaro ally is pretty easy once you break things down, so here are some base level tips for you to consider.
Acknowledge Our Terminology
Yes, we do have terminology that should be used more often when refering to us. Its common for people to use “Non-Asexual Aromantic” when refering only to alloaros, and while that term is more inclusive of other identities such as Non-Sam aro’s, its important to be mindful of when you are using it. If you are refering to Non-Sam, Neu, and Alloaros, the term is fine. If you are refering to Alloaros specifically, its better to use Allosexual Aromantic.
Include Us In General Pride
The aspec community is part of the LGBT community, no matter what some people may think. What this means, is that you need to include us in general pride activism. Simply having the asexual flag on a pride post and not an aromantic flag is not enough. It would be even better if you mentioned alloaro’s in general pride post. We are here, and we are a part of the community, so if you are going to advocate for pride you need to advocate for us.
Combat Alloarophobia
Alloaro’s are not predatory. Alloaro’s are not players. We aren’t out to manipulate people into having sex with us, and the idea that sexual attraction devoid of romantic attraction is somehow impure or wrong is extremely alloarophobic. Fight back against any sort of suggestions that alloaros are immoral or dirty or harmful to other LGBT members for their sexual attraction.
Listen To Alloaro Voices
If an alloaro calls you out on something thats made them uncomfortable, don’t bite back like its an attack. Listen to us, and work with us on the issue. You might have meant well, but caused a simple misunderstanding, in which case this will be a learning experience. Just because we voice our opinions on representation and issues in our community, doesn’t mean we are directly attacking you over something.
Allyship For Fellow Aspecs
So, you’re part of the aspec community but not alloaro? Maybe you’re Asexual, Alloace specifically? Or Aroace? No matter what you identify as, the next few sections are a good basis for you to start on your track to proper alloaro allyship. Alright, lets get started shall we?
Recognize Aspec Community Attitudes
Lets get the big one out of the way first. If you are going to be an alloaro ally you need to acknowledge the fact that a predominantly sex negative attitude in the aspec community is harmful to us. It should never be assumed that any aspec identity is going to relate to sex negativity or sex repulsion. Its extremely alienating when this attitude is the norm in our community. The best way to address this is to stop ignoring it like it doesn’t exist. A good way to do that, is the next suggestion.
Tag Sex Negative Language
Just like how sex mentions are tagged so that sex negative and sex repulsed aspecs can filter them out, sex negative language should also be tagged. Imagine for a second that you’re in the shoes of an alloaro. Seeing post after post about how sex is “gross” or bad can really start to make you feel like your attraction is invalid in your own community. Being able to filter out those kinds of discussions would greatly benifit alloaros who don’t need to be constantly told that what they feel is somehow wrong or filthy.
Combat Predatory Claims
Just like with above, posts claiming that alloaro’s are predatory or that anyone who feels sexual attraction is predatory are extremely harmful. Whenever you get the chance, combat those attitudes. If you see a post talking about how allosexuals are predatory or esspecially about how having alloaros in aspec spaces might be “uncomfortable” for aces or other aspecs, speak out against it immediately.
Include Us In Your Activitism
This seems obvious right? Well, unfortunately despite this being pretty straightforward, its not very common. Lets make this clear. If you are going to make a post about aromantic activism, you need to include alloaros. If you are going to make a post about aspec activism, you need to include alloaros. This doesn’t just mean mentioning us either. It is not enough to have a mention of alloaros delivered by lets say, an aroace. You need to actively include us in your planning and leadership if you plan on advocating for us. End of story.
Acknowledge The Differences In Our Issues
If you are going to make a post about aromantic erasure in the community, make note of the differences between aroace and alloaro erasure. There are BIG differences between the two and its far to common to see other aspecs assume that general aromantic erasure is representative of all aromantic identities. If you are unsure of the differences, you can find out by ->
Meeting Us Halfway
We have resources out there. Sure they may be less organized then other aspec identities resources but they are out there. It extremely tiring having to constantly educate others on alloaro issues and terminology and thats something I am sure all aspecs can relate to. Do your research, browse the alloaro tag, TALK to us before you go around advocating for us and talking about alloaro issues.
Just some random alloaro’s thoughts, but how do yall feel about ace/aro or aro/ace?
Like, I know people use it to mean ace or aro, but the grammar police in my head always go “something/something implies they are the same thing” and it automatically assumes that a person is implying that ace/aro means they are the same thing.
Cause like, why not just use the word “or”? And if you mean aroace, why not just say aroace? The “/” makes my smol brain hurt and it might confuse people into thinking they two words seperated by the “/” are the same thing or are related in some way.
I’m writing a character and i want to write her correctly, so i have a question
Can someone be aromantic, but not asexual at the same time?
If yes, please explain, if no, please explain why
Thanks in advance! I like to be educated on a topic before writing or talking about it :)
Howdy! I'n glad you asked!
Yes, someone can be aromantic and not be asexual. There are two ways of going about this.
They can be alloaro (Allosexual Aromantic) which is usually a label associated with the SAM, or they can simply be aromantic without any other label on their sexuality. No matter how someone chooses to label themselves, never assume that an aromantic is also asexual unless they state otherwise!
If you plan on writing an alloaro character, ask us alloaro’s how we experience aromanticism because aromanticism framed by allosexuality is VASTLY different then aromanticism framed by asexuality. We have very unique issues within the community and outside if the community and we have diverse and unique view points to draw from. And as a bit of a foot note, if you plan on making an alloaro character try not to portray the fact that they experience sexual attraction and not romantic attraction as a negative thing, and please do not automatically throw them into a QPR. It defeats the purpose of aromantic representation as not all aromantics want to be in QPR’s or other forms of relationships.
school me aromanticism, I want to understand it better
tell me stuff, link things, etc. I really really want to understand it better for a person I consider a friend. I don’t want to make them uncomfortable at all.
BET
Okay, Aromanticism crash course time lads lets go!
Aromantic - Feeling little to no romantic attraction. Much like asexuality it is a spectrum with many different identities under the Arospec umbrella.
Asexuality and Aromanticism are NOT THE SAME THING AND NOT REQUIRED FOR EACHOTHER.
You can be aro and not ace like myself (This is called being Alloaro or Aroallo)
You can be ace and not aro (This is called being alloace)
Aromanticism is NOT under the Asexual Umbrella. Aromantic and Asexual are under the ASPEC Umbrella which is a general term for the seperate ace and aro communities.
Sometimes however, they can collide (This is called being Aroace)
QPR’s or Queer/Quasai Platonic Relationships can be desired by an aromantic but never assume that all aro’s want to be in any form of relationship just because the options exist.
Not feeling romantic attraction does not make you heartless!
Feel free to add onto this yall, thats the bare basics up there but the aromantic community is extremely diverse and unique, so for the OP I suggest looking around through the aromantic tags as well as the alloaro tag!
Its a common misconception that when it comes to alloaro’s and seeking representation and community, we can simply go into allo spaces outside of the aspec community. This is not true, because outside of the aspec community and even in LGBTQ+ spaces the idea of sex without romantic attraction is highly stigmatized. Lets talk about it.
Allosexuality, am I right? It can be a key part of an alloaro’s identity, or it can be a little background detail. No matter how an alloaro chooses to prioritize their attraction, it is highly important to remember that Allosexuality framed by Aromanticism is vastly different then Allosexuality and Alloromanticism. Due to this, having spaces for alloaro discussion is extremely important, esspecially for those who are questioning.
Unfortunately, there aren’t many spaces for alloaro’s in the aspec community to discuss their experiences and idenities. Which, paired with an unspoken caution around mentions of sex, makes it fairly difficult for alloaro’s to express their identities at full. A solution to this problem would simply be to create alloaro spaces and shift the attitude of the community to allow for more informed discussions about sex and Allosexuality. However, there are a few arguments that get brought up on this topic that I’d like to discuss.
Allo Spaces Outside The Aspec Community
“If alloaro’s need space to discuss allosexuality, why don’t they look outside the aspec community?” Well, there a few reason for that. For one, outside of the community alloaro’s are demonized for their lack of romantic attraction. Alloaro’s are labeled as players and predators, and are often considered shallow for their lack of romantic attraction.
Another reason being the romantic coding of sexual actions. If you have sex with someone after a night out, or off the back of a consensual hook up, its almost expected that you carry on some sort of further interest in a relationship afterwards. When that doesn’t happen, alloaro’s are made to feel bad for using another person, or for “missed opportunities”.
This also applies in a way to what I call the “Tindr/Grindr” argument. The idea that FWB and sex culture is representation for alloaro’s. While some alloaro’s may seek casual sex, the idea that society in any way praises us for it is absurd. There may be praise for sex and sexual attraction in society, but the moment you remove the possibility of romantic involvement that praise turns to scorn for being heartless and shallow.
Arophobia In LGBT Spaces
LGBT spaces in general are the next place alloaro’s get suggested, however they are more often then not highly critical of aromanticism. A large part of culture in those spaces is “Love is Love” which itself is perfectly fine. Though, the fixation on love and romantic attraction isolates aromantics from these spaces.
Add in sexual attraction to the mix, and the isolation becomes antagonism. Alloaro’s get labeled predatory in LGBT spaces for their lack of romantic attraction, and in some cases they aren’t even considered as an LGBT identity (Which is a problem with the aspec community as a whole and gatekeeping, another topic for another day).
These are just a few common arguments, but all in all they prove the need alloaro spaces of discussion within the community. It should not be expected that we put our aromanticism over our allosexuality, and avoid talking about how both of them intermingle and affect eachother. We are a part of the aspec community. We deserve safe spaces within aro communities specifically and the general aspec community. The sooner we recognize that, the sooner we can start shifting the balance of voices within the community to allow everyone to be heard and supported.
This is the first post of a series I hope to bring out from the results of the Alloaro Community Survey I posted. After reading all the entries individually, I’ve created a line of up posts that will come out every few days to touch on some of the topics I pulled from the results! I hope you enjoy, no romo losers
Part One: Alloaro’s In Aspec Spaces
I think we should start this off with a quick clarification of the word Aspec for those who do not know. Aspec stands for both the Ascespec and Arospec communities. Its an umbrella term, for discussing both communities who themselves are seperate. With that clarified, the data I got from the survey was both shocking and not. One of the only complaints alloaro’s had about the Aspec community was its imbalance in representation. So, let’s talk about it.
One of the most well known and outspoken parts of the Aspec community is that of Asexuals and Acespecs. I will admit, before I came out as aromantic, I had no clue aromantic people existed and thought the extent of it was Asexual. The majority voice in the community is on the acespectrum and it shows in the balance of media and resources. To be clear, there is nothing wrong with Asexual Representation. In fact, I am extremely proud of how far this community has come. However, there is a heavy imbalance we need to address.
I want you to think for a moment, through the eyes of a questioning aromantic. You know for certain you are not asexual, but you’ve always struggled with the idea of romance and romantic attraction so, based off a tip from a friend you look towards the aspec community for help. What you see, does not reaffirm your worries and doubts. Most of the content is asexual, or aroace, and you cannot seem to identify with half the experiences people are talking about. Discouraged, you walk away, still struggling inside.
Do you see where the problem is now? For a community made supposedly for the benefit of both spectrums, there is s massive lean towards one experience and one voice, asexuality. Either through aces or aroaces. This needs to be addressed, and here is how:
Create Spaces For Discussion
Many alloaro’s feel as if they can’t discuss their allosexuality within their own community, and that needs to be addressed. By creating spaces for alloaro’s to discuss topics relating to sexual attraction as well as for questioning alloaro’s to find resources, we can boost voices within the community.
Promote Alloaro Voices
There are plenty of accounts out there that touch on topics for alloaro’s, but very few are ever featured in aspec community events or broadcasted out to the broader community. By raising awareness for these accounts and boosting them, we kill two birds with one stone. Alloaro representation in the aspec community, and the prominence for aces and aroaces to be the ones speaking on alloaro issues.
Include Alloaro’s In Everyday Activism
And I mean truely include. Not just a single sentence or footnote at the bottom of your post, but at least some form of dedication to us thats equal to the effort put into ace activism. No, “You are valid” is not enough either. The sentiment is appreciated but we should not have to be told we are valid. We should feel validated in the community, which currently, we do not.
These are just three changes that could be made, but its nowhere near the only options for us. The Aspec Community belongs to all of us. Alloaces, Aroaces, Alloaros, and any other label under the Ace or Aro spectrum. The sooner we start recognizing that and show casing just how diverse we are, the sooner we can become a stronger, fully recognized community. No Romo losers, and have a wonderful day
I was having such a nice morning until this steaming hot pile of trash showed up on my feed! Lets talk about it! Step by step now.
(No I am not censoring names, and no I am not reblogging aphobe trash takes.)
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Okay lets talk about this for a second. Strong start, “I think most/all aro’s need therapy”. Newsflash for you compadre, not feeling romantic love is perfectly fine. Idk how many times us aro’s have to say it but romance is not what makes us human. This is just rehashed rhetoric that we have seen time and time again and I don’t wanna spend too much time on it, “Not feeling sexual attraction must be a health issue”, “being a homosexual must be a health issue” its all been said before.
Thank you for letting us know you aren’t a doctor btw, never would have guessed by your obviously factual trash takes!
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You almost had a good point on this. Sexual Orientation is not a choice. However, you fell flat in the second half there. I want to make this clear to any and all aro’s, ace’s, and anyone questioning reading this. There is nothing wrong with relating your experience to past trauma. It doesn’t mean you aren’t really aro or ace, and it doesn’t mean you need therapy to “fix” something in you so you start to feel Romantic or Sexual attraction again. End of story.
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Final screenshot and again you almost had a point here. Asexuality and Aromanticism are real orientations no matter if you like it or not. Again though, you fall off. Aromanticism is not a health issue. Like I said in the beginning, orientations in the community have always been called health issues by people from homophobes to aphobes. People who come to terms with their Aromanticism or Asexuality after experiencing a trauma are not “faking it” and no matter how it came about or how a person came to terms with it, what they are feeling is “Real Asexuality” and “Real Aromanticism”.
As a final note, never let posts like this one discourage you from exploring your identity. Trauma does not invalidate your orientation, and trauma does not suddenly make what you are feeling a medical issue that needs to be “fixed”. No matter how you come to terms with your orientation (whether that be through processing or relating it to past trauma or trying on labels as you explore) the only thing it’ll ever make you, is yourself. No romo losers, have a lovely day
(Note: No Longer Accepting Replies - Thank you guys so much! I got so many replies and a lot of data to work with! Thing is, I like to real all of these individually and its clocking in close to like 200 replies so I am closing the survey for now. Again, thank you so much!)
A Survey For Alloaro’s
Coming out of my brief hiatus, I’d like to send out a general survey to help me build some posts for the future! This survey is going to focus on Alloaro and questioning Alloaro experiences within the Aspec Community as a whole, the Arospec Community specifically, and the LGBTQ+ Community. If you are Alloaro or questioning, your input would be greatly appreciated!
We Are More Then Just Valid. We Are More Then Just A Part Of A Broader Community. We Are Alloaro. We Are Here.
Probably one of the biggest things I believe the aspec community as a whole needs to work on is alloaro advocacy and awareness. I have talked about it many times before, but community lean is heavily in favor of aces and aroaces at the moment, which alienates a large part of us from discussion and community development. Aspec stands for Ace Spectrum AND Aro Spectrum, so it should accommodate all identities under those two highly diverse Spectrums equally. Here are some things that would benifit alloaro’s in the community that are sorely needed.
Spaces To Express Our Allosexuality
Imagine being in a community you no doubt belong to, and yet having nothing in the way of access to spaces where you can express yourself. Allosexuality is a big part of alloaro expression, and aromanticism is very different when frames by Allosexuality and not Asexuality. We need spaces where we feel comfortable enough to talk about experiences and feelings. Spaces we currently don’t have, because of the overwhelming anxiety that talking about our sexuality will alienate us further in our own community.
Curbing The Communities Sex-Negative Attitude
I am going to be very blunt with this one. There is a big difference between being Sex-Repulsed and shaming others for their allosexuality. Its rarely overt, but it still happens in aspec spaces. The constant degrading of allosexuality by aces and aroaces, and placement of romantic attraction (and more specifically a lack of sexual attraction) above allosexuality. Not only is this damaging to alloaro’s, but also sex-positive aces who also get drowned out under the deluge of negativity.
Boosting Alloaro Voices
Say it with me now. “That’s so valid”. The sentiment is appreciated, but here is the thing. We shouldn’t have to be told we are valid. We should feel validated by the community. One of the best ways to do this, is boosting alloaro voices. Don’t talk over us in issues that involve us. Invite alloaro’s to express their experiences and issues with the community themselves and don’t settle for second hand representation through other identities. Prove to us we are valid, beyond saying a single sentence and standing in the background.
These are just 3 examples things that can be done to boost Alloaro Advocacy in the community, but there are plenty more things that can be done. If you take anything away from this post, let it be this. Just like I said in the beginning, Aspec stands for Ace and Aro. All identities under both spectrums should be recognized equally. Alloaro’s. Alloaces. Aroaces. Anyone in those spectrums deserves to be recognized.
How To Navigate A Casual Sexual Relationship As An Alloaro
Preface - Before I begin this post I just want to get some things out of the way. This is general advice from my own experiences, and every experience is going to be different! That being said, there will be mentions sex and sexual activities and attraction in this post so if that make you uncomfortable please be cautious. There is no material out there for alloaro’s specifically, so this is a post for us.
So, you’re alloaro and you want to navigate a healthy sexual relationship? Well well, you’ve come to the right place my friend! There is a distinct lack of resources like this for alloaro’s in our community, so the following is a compiling of advice from your friendly local Achillean Alloaro on healthy casual relationships! Lets get the basics out of the way first.
Boundaries & Expectations
Boundaries and expectations are extremely important, esspecially in casual relationships. Not only for your partner, but also for you. Make your boundaries clear and known before anything. Some things you might want to bring up to your partner before going through with things:
Casual sex is not a show of romantic interest or affection
Any terminology you are uncomfortable with during sex (i.e, being called certain romantically coded pet names or expression of romantic attraction)
No pressure to be romantically involved after casual sex
Expectations should also be known beforehand. It should be very clear that romantic attraction should NOT be assumed after sex. Esspecially if your partner is not aromantic or on the aromantic spectrum.
With that out of the way, lets discuss more general tips and practices for safe casual sex.
Use Protection
This one is a bit of a no brainer but should still be said. Its best to use protection during any kind of sex. Not only does it help prevent pregnancy but it also protects against STD’s! Incase it was never taught to you, here is a quick guide to properly using a condom:
Be careful while opening the packaging and make sure the condoms are not expired! The expiration date is often printed on both the box and the individual wrapping.
When putting a condom on, make sure to pinch the tip and leave a small well to help prevent tearing.
Condoms should unroll easily. If it doesn’t unroll, it might be on the wrong way. Be carefull not to tear the material by tugging too much.
Unroll the condom fully, never halfway or even a 1/3rd of the way to ensure it doesn’t tear or come off. It it does, replace it immediately.
Establishing Limits With A Partner
Similar to boundaries and expectations, you should make sure your partner is aware of your limits! Whether it be someone you’re only going to sleep with once, or someone you are mutually involved with. Its okay to experiment, however you should be cautious of any limits you or your partner might have. This goes for physical limits such as positions or what kinds of acts they comfortable with, kinks, etc. However it also applies to other limits such as when your partner is willing to have sex (as even alloaro’s have limits. Anyone who experiences sexual attraction and is aromantic can ID as alloaro, which includes greysexuals who don’t always feel sexual attraction).
A Note For Alloromantics
If you are someone who isn’t alloaro or not aromantic at all reading this, a note specifically for you. Its important to keep in mind that all alloaro’s experience and express sexual attraction differently. Alloaro’s can be many thing, but one thing they aren’t is predatory. Its extremely harmful to expect romantic involvement after casual sex with an alloaro even if you are in a QPR. Do not pressure them into a relationship afterwards, and never slut shame an alloaro for lacking romantic attraction.
This post is a bit of a mess but its something at the very least. As an alloaro who enjoys engaging in casual sex, I have a lot of personal experiences and advice to give other alloaro’s, so please feel free to ask any questions you might have. I am always willing to answer! Happy Aromantic Awareness Week, and as always No Romo
Alloaro stands for Allosexual Aromantic! Occasionally its said Aroallo (Aromantic Allosexual) but the order doesn’t necessarily matter so long as the point gets across. Alloaro’s are aromantics who feel sexual attraction! Anyone who is aromantic and who also feels sexual attraction (including certain identities on the ace spectrum such as demisexual or greysexual) may choose to identity as alloaro.
Its important to remember that the term alloaro was created so that aromantics have a way to differentiate themselves from asexuals. Its a common misconception that aromantic is an asexual identity however that is not the case at all. Aromanticism and Asexuality are two very different things, and occasionally they might overlap with Aroaces however this is not always the case. Not all aromantics are asexual and not all asexuals are aromantic!
The alloaro experience is vastly different from aces and aroaces and its extremely important that we acknowledge that. The aspec community needs to be a welcoming place for all aspec identities, and that includes alloaro’s!
If you’re an alloaro reading this, you are more then just valid. You aren’t broken or heartless and you aren’t just someone who wants to “sleep around”. I know its difficult sometimes to feel at home when even your own community ignores and demonizes what makes you unique. We can change that though. We can make our voices heard.
Happy Aromantic Awareness Week, to my fellow Alloaro’s esspecially. No Romo
This is a message to all us aro’s out there. This week is about us. Its our time to shine and kick amatonormativity in the shins! I take a lot of pride in being aromantic and you should too. We aren’t broken or heartless, we have emotions and goals and lives. We are more then just a valid part of this community, we ARE thie community! So happy Aro Week yall, and as always, No Romo
