#aroace remus lupin
the title describes precise how I feel about this fic anyway enjoy ty for reading <3 hope you’re having a good sunny spring (or autumn) day
“Sirius, why has Fabian sent me a letter to apologise to you?” Remus poked him in the stomach with his toes.
“Hmm?” Sirius groggily lifted his head from Remus’ chest, trying to blink the sleep away. “Fabian… oh! Er—”
“He said he’s sorry for, and I quote, ‘inappropriate advances’ towards you, ‘due to some misunderstandings that had inadvertently arisen, I hope this will not come between our friendship—’” Remus read quickly, “Sirius, what happened?”
“Hm.” Sirius slowly pushed himself up onto his elbows, “that’s funny.”
“I for one have not seen Fabian this awkward about anything.”
“All that sounding formal too.”
“What did you do?”
“I umm.” rip the bandage off, “I kissed him. Or really, he kissed me.”
“Oh, so you’re branching out.” Remus drew up his knees and looked at Sirius lopsidedly, “but then why’s Fabian apologising? Unless you aren’t branching out, but you’ve not been dating for a while either, so is that why you— did you think you might be— oh, Sirius. Come here.”
“Huh?” Sirius said a little dumbly, but let Remus take him in his arms.
“Who would have known all that was going on in your head, huh?”
“Is that supposed to be an insult?”
Remus laughed, Sirius scowled.
“Really, though, whatever worked or didn’t work— it’s alright. You know that, don’t you?”
Sirius bit his lips and grunted. “It wasn’t supposed to not work, though.”
“What does that mean?”
“This isn’t normal, is it?”
“What’s normal then? Having sex with boys?”
“Yes, obviously! Fabian’s fine!”
“But Fabian doesn’t want to have sex with girls.”
“Well yeah.”
“So it’s fine to not want to have sex with girls, and it’s ‘obviously’ fine not wanting to have sex with boys, it’s also apparently perfectly fine to want both— then why can’t you just not want either?”
“Yeah but. You have to want something, don’t you? It’s part of being human or whatever.”
“Pads, hate to break it to you,” Remus deadpanned, “but you’re actually talking to a werewolf.”
“That’s not what I—”
“And you happen to be a dog. Not really a ‘human’ are you?”
“I’m clearly more than just a human. So are you. That’s what Nietzsche meant by ubermensch right?”
Remus looked as though he seriously thought about the suggestion, “Sure. Something like that. And the ubermensch cares not about what’s normal, which are clearly all a farce.”
“It’s too early in the morning for this.”
“For what?” Remus said innocently? “Cuddling? You can get out now if you want. Or— is it too abnormal for a manly male friendship?”
“Shut up.” Sirius whined, snuggling even closer to Remus.
“Hiya lads!” James burst in through their door, “ooh have I come in on cuddling hour?” he said, and launched himself at them.
“Gerrof Prongs! You’re all sweaty and gross!”
“I’m joining too.” Peter poked his head out from the toilet, toothbrush still in his mouth. He ambled over and curled into Remus’ other side, butting off James to sprawl across the foot of the bed.
-
“Wait a second.” the thought occurred to Sirius halfway thought the day, “Remus, how did you know Fabian’s gay?”
“Oh well,” Remus said breezily, “he told me he had a crush on me once.”
—
The Marauders had a motto— they did whatever they liked, long as no one got hurt. (well, no one who wasn’t a git).
Then came the night when Sirius first failed his promise of never leaving Moony alone on a full moon. And—
“When we said we could do whatever we liked long as no one got hurt,” Remus said coldly, not looking at him, “this wasn’t what I meant.”
It was the morning after, when Sirius tried to visit feeling like he had a rotting pit for a heart. And sure, of course, whatever he did or wanted to do was precisely who he was. But it was clearly far from fine, or normal, or good.
—
He talked to the boys about it at the start of sixth year. Everything in their dorm, the window panes, the bed curtains, hung exactly where they’d always been. Yet everything felt so strange. Remus was standing in the corner, listening carefully, but the air between them was still stilted.
“I get it, I think.” Peter said, “I might be the same. Is it like, you don’t really care what the other person is? Boy, girl, whatever?”
“Got it in one, Pete.”
“Yeah. I think I’m like that too.”
“Oh. Thanks for telling us.”
“But then,” Peter continued, “you don’t really want to kiss them or have sex with them.”
“That too.”
“Yeah, that’s the part I don’t really get.”
“It’s just,” Sirius scratched his head, “I don’t look at a person and think, I want to have sex with them. Ever. Or even kissing, but that’s— fine, I guess. Could do without it, though.”
He glanced over to find Remus looking straight into his eyes, gaze sharp yet unreadable. At what must have been Sirius’ worried look, Remus pressed his lips together in what could have been a tight smile. Sirius felt acknowledged and reassured nonetheless.
—
Having been paired with Lily Evans for Charms, with James looking on in resigned despair, must have been the funniest thing to have happened to him— in some universe where it didn’t happen because Remus probably had asked to not be with him.
“I swear, Black, if you’re going to spend this whole time advertising James Potter to me I will make your life miserable.”
“Yeh. I know you could. But do you want to hear about the time he laughed so hard at something you said soup came out of his nose?”
But it turned out that it was just James who Lily was a threat to.
-
“You have a
“You have a crush on Remus.”
“What?”
“You do. You’re staring at him all the time.”
Sirius couldn’t quite talk about why he was looking at Remus rather than being with him; or about how every new day he still felt like guilt was being kneaded into him like dough. “Am I, not allowed to look at my friend?”
“You don’t stare at Peter like that, do you. Not even James.”
“Yeah well, what’s there to stare at?”
Lily laughed. “Sure.”
“It’s not like— I want to kiss him or anything.” Sirius said lamely.
“Oh come on. You think that’s the only symptom of having a crush? And it’s not like you have to want to kiss them to have a crush on them.”
“Nope Evans. You’re making no sense.” Sirius decided, “what does it even mean to have a crush, huh? Can you tell me that?”
Lily rolled her eyes “can’t talk to you when you’re like this.”
-
It was quite unlucky the way Lily planted the idea in his head. It was quite unlucky the way he was noticing how much he noticed Remus. Remus, who sang Joni Mitchell in the shower and talked in his sleep. Who liked David Bowie way too much and gave the best cuddles. Who Sirius would clearly do anything for,
And he wondered.
-
The answer came on an unremarkable afternoon in the common room. Remus was playing chess with Peter, and when Sirius approached them, Remus looked up towards him, and unhesitatingly smiled. It was open and careless, a smile Sirius hadn’t seen directed at him for months. Then Sirius suddenly knew that they were okay. So much more than okay.
Remus, however, quickly went back to scowling at the game between him and Peter. He was so clearly losing.
Instead of directing his next play with his voice, Remus took out his wand, and started poking at his tragically few remaining pieces.
“Remus, hey, what are you doing?” Peter immediately tried to grab at Remus’ wand, almost upsetting the board.
Remus showed no sign of relenting. Peter grabbed the board to take it away, a suddenly movement that badly startled some of the chess pieces. They started pointing their tiny arrows and canons towards Peter, firing at him.
“Ow! Alright.” Peter put his hand up. Remus smirked.
He stabbed at his remaining pawns until they looked like queens— with crooked crowns and third-handed gowns. But they apparently didn’t mind
“Queen to D4, queen to E5, queen to F4.” Remus said triumphantly, tapping at each of the transfigured pawns, “Oh hell yeh. Checkmate, Pete!”
Peter groaned. “I hate you!”
“I didn’t know you could be so blatant with cheating.” Sirius said breezily
“Sorry buddy,” Remus said, grinning, not sounding sorry at all. As Peter’s king has been felled, he waved a finite over the board, then stood to give his seat up. “Go on then, Pads.”
And he sat serenely with a book, watching Sirius getting absolutely destroyed by a still-fuming Peter three games in a row. And Sirius could hardly pay enough attention to mind, because he’d just gotten Moony back, who was smiling and grinning and smirking at him, and all was alright in the world.
—
It was a sunny weekend afternoon. The common room, albeit bright and warm and cosier than ever, was abandoned as expected. Except.
Sirius caught Remus sitting at the piano, stumbling through the chords of Starman, while singing along under his breath. Sirius grinned widely, creeped over, lightly pushing Remus till he budged over, and plopped himself down right by him.
“Want me to teach you?” He doesn’t wait for an affirmative, “Like this, see—” he wound an arm around Remus to place his own hands over Remus’.
He shuffled their hands to correct Remus’ awkward finger positions, one chord at a time through the whole song, then back to the start and again. It was slow and awkward, punctuated by intermittent laughs, huffs of frustration, Sirius playfully slapping Remus’ wrist when he got it wrong, again.
“You are literally breathing down my neck.”
“This isn’t fair. You could be so good at this, your hands are so big. You barely need to spread your fingers for the octave.”
“What’s that got to do with the timing? My brain is literally trying to split apart—”
After another suppressed grunt that escaped as a squeak, Remus laughed softly and shuffled away from Sirius.
“Alright you, go on.” At Sirius’ raised eyebrow, he added, “You’re clearly itching to play yourself.”
“Well, alright.”
Sirius dramatically cleared his throat, wiggled his fingers in the air. Slowly, he lowered his hands to the keys, and then he was off. The familiar chords filled the room, ringing more crisp and delicate than the twangy guitar of the original song. His fingers raced up and down the keys, at times leaning close into Remus to reach the keys. Remus leaned back into him. As the chorus came up, he turned his head to look at Remus, grinning madly as he belted about starmen and children losing it. Remus had the crinkle by his eyes, head nodding in beat as he softly hummed along. His eyes flitted between Sirius’ eyes and the way his fingers flitted over keys, adding flourish between lines of lyrics almost by instinct.
Finishing on a glorious glissando, Sirius let out a long happy sigh. He took a moment to ponder almost in amazement at the way his hands were poised on the piano. This was the most fun he’d had playing the instrument perhaps ever.
Sirius turned his head, and it was to catch Remus with a small smile again.
“What?” Sirius said, his own grin softening.
“Show-off.” Remus said fondly, shoving at him.
Sirius laughed brightly, “Hey, here, let me teach you a couple more—”
That’s how Lily found them, huddled close over the piano. Low laughs between them underscoring melodies that edged between rock and classical.
Remus was the first to see her, a curtain of sunlight away, standing near the common room entrance. “Lily! Come here!” he called her over.
Sirius wondered how long she’d been standing there watching them.
-
“Sooo are you in a relationship?”
“Who?”
She gave him an unimpressed look.
“Alright, alright.” Sirius laughed, “But no, obviously not. Remus doesn’t even want a relationship.”
“How dare you decide what he wants or not?”
“No, I’m Serious,” he said— Lily glared at him, daring him to make the joke, so he had to let it pass— “Moony doesn’t care about girls— or boys. Moony cares about books.”
Lily rolled her eyes, “well he could change, couldn’t he?”
Sirius rose to retort, but snapped his mouth shut at Lily’s single raised finger.
“And this isn’t really about Remus. I’m asking you, Sirius. Would you want to stand and watch Remus in a relationship with someone else?”
The thought left a funny feeling in his stomach, though decidedly unpleasant.
“… No.”
“I thought as much. So you want to be in a relationship with him.”
“I mean— not really, not like that.”
“Like what?”
“I dunno, like James wants with you?”
“God. You just had to bring him up.”
“As is my duty.”
Lily sighed. “But think about it, won’t you? About what you feel about or want with Remus. You’ve got to at some point.”
-
It all came out in a rush, when the two of them were alone under their tree by the lake.
“I am in love with you, I think.” Sirius said into the sun.
Remus lifted an eyebrow. “You think?”
“I— think. Yeah.”
“But what does that mean? That you’re in love with me? Rather than plain old loving?”
“I don’t know. Just, more. Possibly.”
“How exactly?” Remus asked in a murmur.
“I… don’t know.”
This wasn’t how Sirius thought it was going to go at all.
“You love me, Moony, don’t you?”
“‘Course I do.”
“But in the same way you’d love James and Pete.”
“Obviously not,” Remus closed his eyes against the sun, “you’re not James and Pete.”
“But I mean like—”
“I know what you—”
“— As a friend. You love me as a friend.”
Remus opened his eyes, turned to look at him. He pushed himself up onto his elbows.
“Well, what’s the difference between your closest best friend and your boyfriend or girlfriend?”
“Pft. Boyfriends and girlfriends are so much sillier.”
“What about, say, soulmates?”
Sirius didn’t answer for a very long time.
“There’s no difference, is there?”
Then Sirisu saw. It’s what Remus has been trying to show him. Remus has been trying to show him for years. Every act of trust and loyalty and forgiveness and tenderness, though Sirius didn’t realise, they had been talking with their souls.
And Sirius saw in Remus what Padfoot, as a dog, had known since he laid eyes on Moony the very first time.
The realisation hits him with the weight of the entirety of the blue sky. Bright light and white clouds stood as witness.
The sun was on his neck, the wind was in his face. And Sirius felt so high like he was sailing.
“Moony?”
“Yeah?”
“I think you are my soulmate.”
The shock of a smile that emerged on Moony’s face— so careful and tender and subtly making his entire face glow up from his crinkled eye to his lifted cheeks. It made Sirius want to bottle it and hold it forever. It made Sirius feel so proud to have been its cause.
“I think you are too.” Remus replied.
-
fin.
man this one’s long
“Okay, how about this. The beaters flank the three chasers, spiral around them— and the chasers can— do their own spiral across the field to dock and misdirect— and there’ll be like a spiral around a spiral, it’ll be like the moons around the planets around the sun—”
“James,” Sirius groaned, barely listening, “can’t you at least wait till you’re captain of the team?”
They were on their way from Transfiguration to Charms. Remus and Peter walked ahead, talking animatedly about plants or books or animals or whatever, and James beside him was deep in his impossible Quidditch fantasies. A group of girls walked past them, faux-discreetly throwing eyes at Sirius, and giggled amongst themselves when Sirius grinned and winked at them. He recognised the girl huddled in the centre of the group with the yellow butterfly hairslide. The next Hogsmeade weekend is coming up, he might as well ask one of them out.
Sirius didn’t know exactly when it became his defining reputation, but by fourth year he was definedly known as the bachelor of Gryffindor tower, ladies’ man, heartbreaker, whatever. James found it hilarious, Peter was probably a bit jealous, and Remus, well, Remus looked upon it as he looked upon most of the stupid things they did, with an eyeroll and a sarcastic jibe, familiar and annoying and strangely endearing like bread crumbs in the butter tub.
—
Sirius was beginning to suspect that Remus was more than long-sufferingly nonchalant about Sirius’ chain of girlfriends that came and went from beside him at the Gryffindor table.
“So Sirius, what are you doing this evening?” Anne asked cloyingly, leaning towards him, chin on a hand.
“Oh, nothing much,” Sirius said in his designated flirting voice, “what about you, baby bear?”
Remus faked choking on water from across. Good thing Anne didn’t notice with her eyes fixed on Sirius. He threw Remus a look, which caused him to snort and started coughing in earnest.
“Oh, what a coincidence, I’m not doing anything either.” The girl smiled, batted her lashes, “want to go venturing after dark?”
“Sounds amazing. I know quite a few hidden spots… want me to show you around?”
“But Sirius,” Remus interjected, sounding deliberately casual, “thought you said the four of us were going to look through the new Quidditch monthly tonight?”
Which was a ridiculous thing for him to suggest, because “Remus, you don’t even care about Quidditch.”
Remus narrowed his eyes, and tightened his lips just so.
“Ooh, do you guys do that every month?”
“Mhm. Quite the event, it usually is.” Remus said, polite and flat and bitingly.
“That’s so sweet of you. Sirius, what a good friend you are.”
“Course he is.” Remus pushed away his half-eaten plate and stood up, turning to Sirius with a hard look, “I need to go get something from the tower before heading to the library. Have a good evening, you two.”
“Yeh. Of course, mate. Catch you in a bit.”
“Bye, Remus!”
Staring at Remus’ retreating back, Sirius bit his cheeks and wondered. It’s been a while since he’s noticed the way Remus was shifty, restless, more flammable than usual around the girls. So perhaps…
“Hey, Anne, I’ve just remembered I needed to get something. Wanna just meet later outside the tower?”
-
“You’re jealous.”
“What the fuck are you on about?”
“You know what I’m on about.”
Remus didn’t go to the library. Of course he didn’t. Sirius found him tucked into bed aggressively flicking through the Quidditch ‘zine that arrived that morning— which he understood none of, obviously.
Remus scoffed, “You think I want a string of girls to fawn over me and fake interest in?”
“No!” Sirius laughed, “you’re jealous of them.”
“You are a preposterous piece of shit.”
“I’m right, aren’t I.”
Remus glared at him, before finally relenting. “Fine,” he said shortly.
Sirius grinned.
“I wouldn’t call it jealous.”
“Then what are you?”
“Just annoyed.”
“Why?”
“Why what? Why wouldn’t I be annoyed. You’re spending so little time with us.”
“With you.”
“Huh?”
“You meant I’m spending less time with you.”
Remus huffed, rolled his eyes. “Fine. With me. I miss you, ‘kay?” he admitted. And he would have been embarrassed of the admission had Sirius not immediately beamed at him. Remus smiled back carefully, and Sirius felt his heart do a little jump.
“But Moony! You know I’m not going anywhere! You’re stuck with me—” he tackled them both onto his bed, pushing down Remus’ skinny shoulders before starting to madly tickle his sides, “forever—”
Remus laughed breathlessly as he tried to shove him off, “yeah alright, alright! Gerroff me now!”
-
However, all that was forgotten the moment Peter and James barged in the door, breathless with laughter, shouting “Mate, you won’t believe what we did to Filch just now!”
“Is that why you missed dinner?” Remus muttered, “you tossers.”
“Oh no, it was so worth missing dinner for.”
“I don’t know, Prongs. Aren’t you hungry? I’m hungry.” Peter’s stomach grumbled on cue. He looked at them hopefully, “haven’t got any food, have you?”
Sirius shook his head, but Remus smirked, producing two wraps from his bag.
James cheered, “Oh Moony, you’re the best!”
“Now let’s see… what should I demand for this?”
“Name your price!”
“Hmm. What about the astronomy charts for a week?”
Peter snorted, “as if you’ve ever done yours.”
“Sure I did. In first year.”
-
Time disappeared in stretches of hours when it was just the Marauders bundled together in a room. Therefore, it was nearly two hours later that Remus suddenly sat up and kicked Sirius in the shin.
“Ow! What!”
“Sirius, didn’t you promise Anne to meet tonight?”
Oh.
“Who’s Anne now?” Peter asked, head hanging off the side of his bed, on which James was standing eulogising the greatness of the Czech national team.
“Sirius’ girlfriend?”
“Awh.” James paused in his act, jumped down from the bed, “have you got to go now?”
“Yeah… probably.” He glanced towards Remus, who was giving him an unreadable look. He remembered their conversation just earlier. “But… it’s already so late. She’s probably already gone.” Sirius shrugged.
“Huh. Alright then. No harm done, yeah?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
-
“I waited for you outside the Gryffindor dorm for so long. What do you take me for? A fucking doll at your beck and call?”
Sirius looked skywards. Only to be met with centuries-old wooden beams and vaulted ceilings. He had a sudden bizarre vision of the sons of Gryffindor himself walking these halls bracing themselves through petty teenage affairs.
“Are you even listening to me?”
Sirius winced. “Sorry Anne—”
“Oh, you are a right bastard aren’t you? Good day, Black, hope you have fun with whatever you did before me.” She spat, before she spun on her heels and marched away.
Sirius sighed. He probably deserved that. Oh well. All this was only fun till they started wanting to be around all the time, anyway.
—
“You don’t always need a girl by your side, you know?”
“What you do mean,” Sirius gasped, faux scandalised, “course I do, I’ve a reputation to uphold!”
“Hey, I’m serious.”
“No, I’m Sirius.”
Remus ignored him. “You shouldn’t be dating because you feel like it’s something you need to do.”
“Moons, that’s ridiculous. What even gave you that idea?”
—
Sirius felt all the butterbeer bouncing in this veins, and his grin was jaw-achingly wide as he watched James, two ridiculous pointy hats on his head, trying to drag every passer-by into the party that was growing louder and more crowded by the minute. Not even another rejection by Lily Evans could deter his birthday spirits.
However, Sirius was far from as robust a soul. He was just as second too slow ducking behind the record player, and Zoe had caught him by the wrist.
“Now where are you going? Don’t you want to hang out with me?”
“No, why don’t you leave me alone?”
“Sirius, what the fuck?”
“Merlin, it’s my best friend’s birthday, I’ve gotta be with him!”
“Why did you invite me, then, if you were going to ignore me all night long?”
“Well you wouldn’t have been happy either if I didn’t ask you to come, would you?”
The girl scoffed, “you’re not trying to blame me, are you?”
“No, of course not, I—” he ran a hand through his hair, and scanned the crowd. “Hey, Remus!” he called out, then turned back to the girl, “Look, Zoe, we’ll talk later, alright?” he said, without a shred of intention to continue this conversation.
He tried to put a hand to her arm, but she shirked him off. “Suit yourself then, Black.” she muttered in a dangerous undertone, then spun on her heels and disappeared through the crowd.
It was just what he needed to turn around and see Remus approaching, looking at him disapprovingly. “What was that about?”
“Oh, nevermind. Can we go get the cake now?”
-
The Friday afternoon after James’ party, Sirius sat by the lake alone waiting for Zoe to show up. He had with him a bunch of flowers, as a half-hearted gesture of apology. The moment he saw the expression she approached him with, Sirius groaned internally. Why does this happen every time?
“Yeah. So I’ve been thinking. We should probably stop seeing each other.”
“Oh, what happened?” Sirius said disinterestedly.
Zoe narrowed her eyes at him.
“Fair enough.”
She shook her head. “I can’t believe you, Black.”
“Yeah. Whatever. See you around.”
She huffed, and left without a response. Sirius took the long way back just to walk in a different direction.
-
When he was back at the castle gates, Sirius was still holding the flower bunch. He sighed, motioning to toss it away, but stopped himself at the last second. It would be such a waste, wouldn’t it? And in any case, why didn’t he buy flowers and chocolates for his friends? The thought filled him with excitement, and he raced to the common room with newly lifted spirits, thrusting the bunch of flowers at James the moment he found him.
“Here— these are for you!”
“Mrmgph,” James said through a faceful of flowers, “the date went well then?”
Sirius snorted. The oblivious bastard. “What date?”
“The one you had just n— OH. I see, alright.”
“I don’t know what you’re seeing, James, must be a smudge on the glasses. Anyway, I got these just for you!”
“Really,” James said, amused. “What suddenly gave you the idea?” His eyes twinkled teasingly behind the glasses.
“Oh well, I just thought we should. Why don’t we buy flowers and chocolates for each other, you know?”
And there started the legendary week during which their dorm overflowed with bunches of all kinds of flowers, as Sirius and James sought to one-up each other with their loving proclamations. By spillover, everyone started finding flowers in their bags and their clothes. The unfortunate ones with an allergy cursed the living daylights out of them. Remus quietly stashed away all the chocolate that came with.
Sirius had even managed to steal a small sprig of hyacinth into Remus’ hair behind his ear without him noticing, and he’d gone around for the greater part of a day with the purple flowers tucked in his curls. The sight had made him ridiculously bubbly.
-
A week later at breakfast, Remus was, without explanation, suddenly staring intensely at him.
“What are you looking at?”
“Don’t look away.”
“Ooh, staring contest?” Peter said from beside them, between mouthfuls of food.
“Huh I see. You’re on, Moony.” Staring back into Remus’ eyes with as much concentration.
Though moments later, Remus snapped his finger, Sirius blinked, and a flower crown appeared on his head, of primroses and daisies and soft pink roses.
James laughed delightedly, “you totally had that coming, Pads.”
Remus smirked satisfiedly. Sirius tried to lift the crown off his head, but the curling strands furled right back onto his hair. Well that’s impressive.
“It won’t come off till dinner.”
“Good thing I pull it off, then.”
“Yeah, you sort of do.” Remus said, smile turning soft.
-
It was just his luck that one of the letters from his mother arrived for him in Hogsmeade, on his date, of all times and places. He couldn’t help the dark mood that followed him like a raincloud on steroids all afternoon, and try as he might, he simply couldn’t muster up the energy to pay attention to the girl beside him.
He couldn’t decide if it was a blessing or a curse that she’d clocked why.
“I could help you, Sirius.”
“Greta, no really, you don’t need to worry about it.”
“You should talk about it with someone else, shouldn’t you? And I could be there for you, just let me know what’s going on.”
“I mean, if this your idea of a good conversation topic for emotional bonding—” Greta looked affronted, “it’s not, alright? I’m not going to tell you about my family.”
“I’m only trying to be considerate! And don’t you shout about your family all time time?”
“Well yeah. But what happens between my parents and brother stays between us.”
“So it’s about your brother— are you fighting?” She creased her brows and put on a concerned voice.
“Can we, maybe not?”
“Why are you being so stubborn about this—”
“I don’t want it going around in the gossip mill, alright?” Sirius almost shouted.
Greta’s face contorted, froze in a shocked grimace. “Is that all you think of me?”
“Oh schlizers.” Sirius ran a hand over his face, “I didn’t mean to say that.”
“But you thought it?”
“No, I—”
Sirius stopped at her look. She bit her lips, expression stony and on the verge of tears as well. She glowered at him for a long moment, then began:
“I thought you wanted something with me, Sirius Black. I thought we were onto something here. And what did you think? That I came from the gossip and will be to the gossip? God I can’t believe—”
“Hey, wait a second. When did we ever say we were going to be more? It’s you who kept pushing—”
“What did you want then? Snogging at the back of greenhouses and tossing the girl out once you get bored? Should you have wanted us to sign a contract on it to say I was okay with it?”
“Look, I don’t know where you’re dragging in all that from—”
“Black. No, I’m not going to stand this. If you could take one moment to try and be less selfish—”
-
The thought stuck grimy in his mind long after Sirius had stormed off. But he wasn’t selfish, inconsiderate, was he? He wasn’t a bad person and friend, was he? As though to prove himself a point, he took a long detour all the way to the kitchens to pick up a chocolate fudge cake, a lemon meringue pie and a whole basket of overbaked naans.
—
“Sirius Black!”
Sirius sighed, paused in his steps, and turned around down the corridor. “What is it?”
“I need to talk to you, now.”
“Yeah, sorry Kat, not now, alright?”
“Yeah well. You’ve been saying that for a week.”
“I am genuinely sorry. Look I just, I’ve got somewhere to be right now.” It was the full moon that night, and the Marauders stuck around Moony, doing whatever they could, before and after the moon every month. It was unnegotiable. They’d figured out what their animagus forms were going to be just after new year’s, and he couldn’t wait until they were finally able to actually accompany him.
Kat was still glaring at him. “Tomorrow then.”
“Yeah, can’t do that either.”
“Why?”
“Can’t really tell you.”
“I just want to talk to you, what’s so hard about making time.”
Sirius was starting to get annoyed. “Look, if you want something else, why don’t you go find someone else?”
-
The moment Sirius made it through their door, Remus’ head snapped to him, “what’s up with you now?”
“Nothing! Kitchen mission has been successful—”
“No, no.” Remus pointed a finger at him, “you reek of psychological distress.”
“Oh right. Fine.” Sirius never ceased to be absolutely awestruck by the wolf peeking through, “Well, um. Another one down.”
Remus snorted. “Not again, you.”
“Unfortunately, yeah.”
“What’s it this time?”
“She thinks I didn’t care about her feelings.”
“Classic. Don’t it make you wonder if it just might be true?”
“What can I say? Everybody’s looking for sympathy but nobody’s ready to give them,” Sirius intoned dramatically, “I just want love, Moony! Is that too much to ask for?”
“I told you to stop stealing James’ crappy romance novels.”
“Hey— I most certainly did not—”
—
“Do you want to have sex?” Elena asked him under her breath, the two of them having broken apart for air behind one of hidden alcoves.
“Why, do you?” Sirius asked, a little startled and trying not to show it.
“Yeah. You’re so handsome.”
“Oh I know love,” Sirius smirked, and tried to distract them by pulling her back into the kiss.
But she caught his hands, “And so gentlemanly too. You never asked for more, never pushed us to do anything else. But here—” she left his hands at his side, and started reaching for the buttons of her blouse.
Sirius was stunned. He didn’t know what to say or do. Having taken his widened eyes as a sign of encouragement. She continued undoing the buttons until the shirt was hanging open between them. She wore only a thin cotton bra underneath. He could see the shape of her nipples.
“Do you want to—” Elena took both his hands in hers, and drew them to her chest.
Sirius had completely frozen, even when she placed her hands over his and squeezed a little. Her flesh was too warm, too full under his hands, even through the material. Some deep-seated voice in his mind told him that he was feeling full-bodiedly uncomfortable.
“Or do you… just not want to.” Elena said questioningly.
“I—” Sirius tried to push past the tightness in his throat.
Looking at him for a couple more long moments, her eyes widened a little, as she appeared to clock something in her head. “Hmm.”
She let his hands fall, and started doing the buttons of her shirt back up again.
And finally having found his voice, Sirius felt such a devastating wave of embarrassment wash over him. Godric, what was wrong with him? What in hell possessed him to freeze up? “I’m sorry, I just—”
“Oh, Sirius, dear, don’t worry.”
“I don’t know why—”
“Really, it’s okay!” She smiled to reassure him. It looked genuine.
“Do you want to kiss again?”
“Nah, we’re alright.” she took his hands in hers and squeezed. “I did think you seemed to be more interested in the sneaking around than the snogging, in general, anyway.”
“What do you mean?” Sirius muttered.
She shrugged, lips twitching with a smile.
As they fell quiet. Sirius frowned and looked away.
“I think,” he said after a few moments, “maybe we should, um.”
“Break up?”
Sirius turned to face her, realising that she’d been looking at him carefully this whole while. “Sure.”
“Or did you think there’s nothing to break up if we weren’t really in a relationship in the first place?”
“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. I just meant we’ll— stop doing, this. Sorry.”
“Oh no, don’t worry. I’ll just have to go after some other fish. Tianze seems like a bright boy, good looking too, no?”
“Oh yeah,” Sirius nodded enthusiastically. “Great bone structure, killer of a jawline. Good height as well.”
She smiled at him mysteriously.
“What?”
“You’re so lovely, Sirius.” She pecked him lightly on the cheeks, “whoever you find will be so lucky to have you.”
-
All the way back to the Gryffindor tower, Sirius couldn’t shake off the overwhelming wrongness he felt under his own skin. He replayed again and again the few moments, wondering, wondering what the hell was broken inside him. What did it mean, what was he going to do.
When he threw open the dorm door to the three boys playing gobstone on the floor in their pyjamas, they all looked up at him in surprise.
“Sirius! I thought you were hanging out with that Ravenclaw girl.”
Remus rolled his eyes, “Elena’s got a name, Prongs.”
“Which one is she again?” Peter said distractedly, “long white hair, brown eyes?”
“I think so. Really smart too.”
“Oh yeah.”
“Anyway, Pads, what happened?”
“Nothing!” He shrugged, flopping onto the floor and upsetting the game, “thought it’s a Marauders night tonight— let’s go do something.”
“Can we get food? I’m famished.”
“We could sneak into the kitchens and make pancakes!”
“Oh Merlin, yes! Wait, I’ve got a recipe somewhere too!”
Sirius grinned. He knew his friends would help take things off his mind. “Brilliant— let’s go now!”
-
Midnight found Sirius laughing his stomach into stitches as they made a riot of the kitchens, covering every surface with flour. Remus was purposefully dribbling the batter all over the place, making a horrific mess of the pancakes on the stove, which was sending Peter into an absolute frenzy because “REMUS that’s my MOTHER’s recipe!” and “can’t you make them circular?”
“Pete, it’s pancakes, they’re supposed to be fucked up! And hey— we’ll clean it up when we leave, don’t you worry about the house elves!”
The whole thing was sending Sirius into fits of laughter, for no apparent reason. His hands shook as he continued trying to make his pancake the shape of a penis.
Remus looked over and shook his head, “you are so fucking dumb.”
And then James hit him on the back of the head with a ball of cookie dough, causing them to descend into absolute chaos, until all four were covered with mysterious mixtures from head to toe. As they lunged and grabbed at each other to make even more of a mess, Sirius wondered why he would ever want for anyone else.
-
Aroace Remus headcanons <3
Note: This is based on a queer headcanon promt for aroace Remus, and in this he uses He/they pronouns and is a cupioromantic and polyaffectionate (maybe bi oriented aroace as well but you all can decide upon that for yourselves). In summary, this is just aroace Remus wanting a relationship and getting advice from Regulus. I really enjoyed writing this as well as addressing the arospec struggle of wanting an intimate relationship but not having romantic attraction at all or often (honestly this isn’t talked about enough). If you all have any queer headcanon prompt ideas feel free to let me know and also I am not proof reading this :)
- Remus had known for a while that he was aroace, and was perfectly fine with it too. He was definitely really confident in their identity and all of his friends were really supportive too
- They were proud to identify as aroace even if a lot of people disliked it
- They still had close relationships with others- just not romantically of course. He had Sirius and Lily, two people they felt very close with and knew he could trust with almost anything. They were his closest friends and he cared for them a lot
- Usually he’d be fine with the idea of not being in a relationship with someone else, but other times the idea of never having a partner upset them
- He wanted to be really close to someone like that, to have someone to go to for emotional support, kisses and cuddles, and even just have someone that cares about them deeply
- The thought of never being able to have that with someone else saddened him
- They wondered why he couldn’t simply do those things with friends, and why it always seemed like they were something only romantic partners could do
- I mean why couldn’t you cuddle with your closest friends and rant to them when you’re mad or live with them in a little cottage together and just spend your days with them and it still be platonic?
- Eventually Remus decided to talk about how he felt with a friend of theirs that was also aroacespec
- Regulus is an asexual demiromantic, and doesn’t exactly have romantic attraction often since he usually doesn’t get very close to people. They’ve known for quite a while that he was aroacespec and Remus figured that they might be able to give him some advice
- “My problem is I do want to be in a relationship but I’m aroace and don’t have romantic attraction to people.” Remus wasn’t even sure if that made sense. I mean weren’t aroace people supposed to dislike the idea of relationships like that?
- “So you’re a cupioromantic?” Regulus asked him. They honestly weren’t really sure about what it actually meant.
- “What does that mean?”
- “It’s like the aromantic version of cupiosexual. It means you don’t have romantic attraction but would like to be in a romantic relationship.”
- “That’s a thing?!” It never really occurred to him that other aroace people might feel that way too. Maybe they were a cupioromantic
- “Yep, plenty of arospec people want relationships and are cupio. That’s part of the reason why queer platonic relationships are a thing. I’m actually in one myself.”
- “A queer platonic- what?”
- “A queer platonic relationship. It’s a relationship that’s not quite a platonic friendship but not exactly a romantic relationship either. They’re very open and broad and each couple can really set whatever boundaries and rules they want for themselves. For example, my partner and I cuddle and spend a fair amount of time with one another, and care about each other a lot, but aren’t exactly romantically attracted to each other. These types of things can really vary for different people. Some enjoy doing sexual things with their partners, while some don’t even like physical affection like kissing. Queer platonic relationships allow people to have what some call "platonic partners” and have a relationship with them.“
- Remus really had to think about that for a minute. So he could have a relationship with someone even if they’re aroace. He really liked liked the idea of QPRs even with what little they knew about them, and honestly, he kind of wanted one.
- "How do you know if you like someone in that way?”
- “Once again, it can just depend on the person. For me, I knew I really enjoyed my partner’s company and wanted to do typically romantic things with them. And for them, they knew they’re really liked me, but in more of a platonic way than a romantic one.”
- Remus immediately thought of Sirius and Lily. Perhaps he liked them like that. I mean, they do really love their company and always feels safe around them. Not to mention he absolutely loved the idea of living with them and spending a lot of time with them
- “Well what if I wanted to be in a relationship like that with someone? Would they have to be arospec too? And how would I even ask them to be my partner?”
- “I mean if you want to be in a qpr just find a person that you’d like to be partners with I guess. And no, not necessarily. Plenty of people in qprs are arospec and aspec but that definitely doesn’t mean they have to be. I mean, I’m a demiromantic and can have romantic attraction and I’m in one. And all you really have to do is ask like you would with a romantic relationship and make sure they have a clear understanding of what they’re getting themself into”
- Now Remus had another question in mind. Could they have more than one qpp? I mean he did think of both Lily and Sirius when considering potential partners, but would they be able to a qpr with both of them?
- “Is there by any chance I could have more than one queer platonic partner?”
- “If you want to and both of your partners are comfortable with it, then yes. I mean my partner is polyaffectionate and has another platonic partner other than myself. We’re all three fine with it and have boundaries set and we’re all comfortable with it.”
- “And polyaffectionate means?”
- “It’s kind of like the queer platonic version of polyamorous. People who are polyam sometimes want multiple different romantic relationships and can have attraction to multiple people at once, while polyaffectionate people want multiple intimate platonic relationships like queer platonic ones and can like multiple people like that,”
- Remus spent the next few weeks thinking about what Regulus had told him. They questioned whether they were polyaffectionate or not and eventually came to the conclusion that he was both aroace and polyaffectionate. Both labels fit him well and they enjoyed knowing that he wasn’t the only person that felt this way.
- He finally decided to stop putting off something they had been wanting to do for the last week or so. He was going to come out as polyaffectionate to Lily and Sirius and ask them to be in a queer platonic relationship with them
- Coming out was the easy part, he knew their friends would love and accept him no matter what. Asking them to be their queer platonic partners on the otherhand was not something they were looking forward to. He worried they wouldn’t take the idea seriously and would assume he wanted to be with them romantically and weren’t actually aroace
- One evening he found them talking in the Gryffindor common room and asked if they could talk to them privately. Of course they agreed and the three of them decided to talk under a tall tree out on the grounds
- “I have something to tell you guys,” Lily and Sirius could tell Remus was pretty nervous, and both tried ro sound calm and caring
- “You can tell us anything Rem,” Sirius assured him
- “Yep” Lily grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly, trying to comfort him a bit
- “I- I’m polyaffectionate. I mean I’m still aroace too but I want to be in queer platonic relationships and want to have more than just one of them.”
- “Oh I’ve heard of that before. That’s really cool Remus,” Lily gave them a little hug and then Sirius did the same.
- “Thanks for telling us Rem,” Now that was out of the way. Time for the more difficult part
- “I also wanted to ask you both something,” They both gave him a little nod, encouraging them to continue
- “I was wanting to know if maybe you guys would like to be in a queer platonic relationship with me? I mean of course only if you two are both comfortable with it and stuff.”
- “Of course! Well at least I do. I mean we’ve pretty much been in one for years anyways Moony.” Remus was really surprised to hear Sirius say that.
- “I’d like to too, but only if James is comfortable with it since we’re dating now. I don’t see why he wouldn’t though since we’re both polyam.” Lily smiled at him and Remus started to to tear up
- “Really? I didn’t think you two would want to.”
- “Well we do.” Sirius grabs one of his hands and Lily grabs the other.
- They walk back to the Gryffindor common together and ask James if he’s comfortable with it, and of course he is
- Then Remus becomes partners with Lily and Sirius and they’re all super happy and after Hogwarts they buy a little cottage and all live together (with James ofc) and live happily ever after the end
