#au pair

Babysitters who also take care of the biggest kid in the house.

Brace yourselves. This is the story of how I made a slow descent into madness. 

I met the Maline* family the third day I arrived in France. I had already skyped the mother twice the week prior and had fallen in love with her vivacious spirit. Marie*, we will call her. She was warm and sunny. She had long auburn curls and an infectious smile. I could just tell she was the most popular mom in the neighborhood. She already had two babysitters, but she was looking for a live-in english tutor. She assured me that my  *sole* responsibility was to help them with their english homework and babysit them every now again. Weekends were completely mine and I received weekly pay on top of free housing, a phone, and money for transportation. Who would turn down a deal like that? 

The Warm Welcome

Three months ago, Marie picked up my mother and me from our hotel promptly at noon. Her energy was through the roof. She was excited to meet us and my energy quickly matched hers. Their home was something of Martha Stewart perfection. Every room was immaculate, carefully constructed to allude the perfect balance between elegance and modesty. 

Hugging the entire back of the house were 5 shuttered French doors, which on this first visit were completely open to allow in the sun’s natural light. In the backyard were two little boys, ages 6 and 9, bonding over soccer with their father. In the living room was the eldest daughter, age 12, intensely focused, practicing the drums for an upcoming recital. 

What I loved most about my surroundings were the decorative artifacts in every corner of the house. Congolese masks in the office, Russian dolls in the den, Japanese art above the oven. They were trying to make a statement, for sure. “Not only are we well traveled, but we fully embrace other cultures within our home!” Honestly I dug it.  It was a nice touch to an otherwise vanilla home. 

After having a 5 course meal complete with red wine AND Champagne, Marie asked me when I was planning to move home. HOME. Whether this was a result of broken english or not, I took this as a sign that she already saw me as one of the family. I looked over to my mother & had an Orphan Annie moment. 

I moved in a couple days later, believing fully that this was the best gift I could have received in my move.

I was wrong. 

The Red Flags 

The first couple weeks were great. I was adjusting well to my teaching job. The kids were well behaved (for the most part). Marie and I got into the habit of having late night talks after dinner before her husband came come (which was often super late). We would watch TV, laugh, discuss cultural differences & sometimes even share a glass of wine. It was a very relaxed environment. She even encouraged that I go out more.

“You’re young!”, she said. “Paris is a beautiful city. See it every chance you get. Make friends! Meet boys”.

(Looking back on it, these late night talks are what ultimately hurt us. At the end of the day, Marie was my employer. And sharing a glass of wine every night with your employer blurs quite a few lines of professionalism.) 

One day, Marie fired one of the babysitters and needed me to drive her kids to and from activities on Mondays and Thursdays. I would have been happy to do so…had the family had automatic vehicles. I had never driven a manual car in my life and I certainly didn’t want to put her kids in potential danger. Because I wanted so badly for this situation to work out, I decided to take driving lessons. I thought it would only take a couple classes…but it didn’t. STICK SHIFT IS HARD. I had to learn how to drive an automatic car, in french, in a country with completely different driving rules. And Those lessons were not only stressful but they were costly (about $90 per class), and the Malines didn’t help me with any of it. 

What’s worse is Marie came to the conclusion not to pay me the first couple of weeks until I had gotten my driving together. She somehow convinced me that this was okay. 

During a late night heart to heart she admitted that her last au pair quit after only two weeks. When I asked why, she said, “she told me my kids were horrible” and started to tear up. I hugged her and said “I can’t believe someone would say something like that!” But I should have known then. 

She was very particular about how I kept my room, which I thought was odd. She asked me to deep clean my room AND my bathroom every Saturday morning (sweep, vaccum, mop, dust, wash and iron my bedsheets etc). Sometimes I even came home to my things put in different places without my permission…

Toussaints Break finally came and Marie insisted I go on a trip somewhere. I decided to go to Barcelona & London with a friend. When I left, a smiling family of five was waving me a bon voyage. When I returned, a monster was at the front door. 

Where Everything Went Left

I got back on a Saturday evening from an amazing trip. I couldn’t wait to tell the kids of my adventures. When I rang the doorbell, Marie opened the door with contempt in her eyes. “I need to speak with you”, she spat. 

She led me into the kitchen and told. me. off. 

“Who do you think you are?!! This is not a hotel!! You can’t just come and go whenever you please!! The room wasn’t clean enough before you left!!! You told me you were coming back in the morning?? THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. THIS IS A FAMILY, WE HAVE STRUCTURE AND YOU MUST ABIDE BY OUR RULES”

Let me first explain myself. Yes, I did return earlier than I had anticipated. BUT I had informed her of this change THREE days prior on the phone, which in my opinion is ample time. As far as my room not being “clean enough”…I call BS, because I spent a good 2.5 hours making sure that room was spotless. 

But she wasn’t yelling at me for those reasons. I knew it. She knew it. I saw through her. She was mad I went on vacation instead of there to help with the kids. Thats it. Just passive aggressive BS. 

It was clear she had been planning this speech for days. I stood there awkwardly, confused and upset, trying not to tear up in front of this woman and her whole entire family (including her in-laws who were visiting for the weekend). I haven’t been yelled at like that by another adult since I was probably 12. And thats exactly how I felt in that moment - like a child. No longer was I another adult in that house. And no longer did Marie treat me as such. 

After that awkwardness, they all went out for a celebratory dinner with the grandparents. Since the in-laws were staying in my room, I was sent to sleep in the attic. I wish I was kidding. 

This Woman Crazy 

From that moment on, our relationship was strained. I tried to have several conversations to make amends because I wanted it all to work out. And I can tell she was visibly trying too. But that one conversation ruined everything. She continued to just give me more chores that were not discussed when I interviewed. I did their grocery shopping, their laundry, I cooked. I woke the kids up in the morning, helped them get dressed, did their homework. In short, I became the Help. And from that point on everything I did was wrong. EVERY night, she would come home and have something to say about something. Some times they were valid, most times they were straight up petty and contradictory. 

“ Why did you wake the boys at 7:18, they must be up at 7:15! I don’t like the way you load the dishwasher. The french doors should be closed before 6pm. You forgot to set the dessert spoons on the table.Lara’s english is still terrible, you must not be doing a good job. You forgot to mop behind the dresser.My children don’t eat meat at night. Why did the children not eat the chicken I prepared for dinner? Can you make a tuna tart for lunch? What do you mean you don’t know how…I thought you said you could cook? Did you lie about everything? Whats wrong with you? ”

Also, being an au-pair just all around sucks. You are not a glorified babysitter…you are their substitute mother. A typical day went like this:

• 6:30am wake up, get dressed. Open all the french doors for some reason this was always such a task. Make breakfast and set the table.
  
• 7:15 wake up the boys and help them get dressed. (When said kids are 6 and 9 years old this is easily the most exhausting part of your day.)
  
• 8:15take them to school 
  
• 9:30am - 3:00pm Go to my own school because I’m a teacher, remember?
  
• 4:30 pick the boys up from school
  
• 5:00 snack time
  
• 5:15 help them with homework
  
• 5:45 start the laundry/ play games with the kids
  
• 6:30 start cooking/ make sure the kids take their shower
  
• 7:15dinner
  
• 7:45 send them to bed, and read a bedtime story
  
• 8:15 finish laundry, fold clothes 
  
• 9:00 the time Marie would come home and have a long list of things she felt I did terribly and I would pretend to listen and/or care
  
• 9:30pm …..
  

I had to get out of there, ya’ll. I wasn’t sleeping well. I was resentful and mean. I was living with an emotional terrorist. I felt constantly uncomfortable and uneasy. You shouldn’t feel uncomfortable where you lay your head at night. I wasn’t enjoying my abroad experience that way. On top of that, the kids were super rude and disrespectful. I got hit, spit on, and slapped too many times to count. But what do you expect from children who have had 8 nannies and barely see their parents during the week?

In late November, I told Marie that I was unhappy with the job and wanted to leave. She seemed just as enthusiastic at the proposition as I was. She begged me to stay until Winter Break however, because she couldn’t find a replacement. Being the overly nice person I am, I agreed. A couple days later she texted me, TEXTED me, to be out of the house by the end of the week. 

Thus began my mad, mad dash to find housing…which I will blog about at a later date. But just know that was the most stressful situation of my life and I didn’t actually find a place to live until one week after I had moved out of the Maline household and only one day before I left for the US for Christmas. 

Conclusion

I would never recommend au-pairing to anyone. I agree that I unfortunately got stuck with a bad family situation. But even so, au-pairing is exploitation. These families are taking in young girls typically ages 18-25 that don’t speak their language very well and are paying them terribly. If you’re 18-25 you should spend your time abroad…having fun! Not being someone’s play-mother. Like Marie ironically once told me, “You’re young! Paris is a beautiful city. See it every chance you get. Make friends! Meet boys”.

So I’m gonna do just that. 

https://kaylabakitabanana.com/2020/08/02/thasos-greece/

❤️

https://kaylabakitabanana.com/2020/08/02/thasos-greece/

Thasos, Greece

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Seven things to consider if you want to become an Au Pair

I’d like to continue writing in this blog, I didn’t even realize just how many followers I have, and how much I miss keeping a collection of photos/updates of my experiences. 

Things have been a little weird since moving to seattle. The whole reason I left france was because I had this huge pull to start working on a career path/make good money/keep pushing my life forward. Working as an au pair just felt like an escape from all that and I thought I needed more. Now that I’m back and the job hunt has grown increasingly difficult, I’m starting to wonder why I even left Europe. On top of that I’ve had a hard time finding my place here socially. I constantly feel like an outsider and like I’m just not meshing with anyone. I dont know if this is normal, since this is really my first time outside of my hometown, or college, or being in a place that already had a social community established for me (my group of au pairs in paris). 
I also still have the travel bug crawling around inside me like crazy.. so lately I’ve started to look at opportunities like joining the peace corps, teaching english in asia, volunteer programs abroad, etc. I dont know what the best fit for me is.. and I dont know too much about those types of programs (if you have any insight - send me a message!). 

so I guess for now I’m just focusing on self care and the jobs I do have, even if they arent what I want long-term. I have a few projects in the works and will update as more exciting things start to unfold.

Again, really bad at this whole blogging thing - but I figured this is something worth talking about.
3ish weeks go I went off and got myself tatted in Paris! Getting a second tattoo is something I’ve wanted for a long time, and when I moved to France it seemed like the perfect opportunity to use it as a way to commemorate my time spent abroad. So I did a little hunting and came across Enfant Terrible tattoos in the 20th arrondissement and found the artist Chimaera (insta: chimaerauniverse). 
Originally I wanted some abstract design that was specific to things I was feeling and experiencing in paris, but after finding this artist, and seeing the beautiful flower work she does.. I decided to go for a magnolia as it just seemed to work for me. I later discovered that magnolias were actually named after French botanist Pierre Magnol, which is a fun little coincidence. 
Overall I’m really happy with my decision and the incredible work this artist did for me. My first tattoo was a very simple, small design that I had picked out beforehand and went to any tattoo shop that would give me the cheapest price.. so this feels completely different and like I now have a real piece of arton my body. I’m even starting to think about tattoo #3 already… whoops!
For anyone in Paris who is interested in getting a tattoo, I really recommend this shop and this artist. & I also recommend checking out a tattoo event happening wednesday june 8th at Le Pavillon des Canaux. For 50€ you can pick from a selection of flash tattoos from some really great artists, plus it’s just a cool place where you can grab a beer or coffee, or hangout by the canal. 

A bit of what I’ve been up to, where my head is at currently, and what my general plans are for the near and far future.
I have now lived in France for about 10 months. I return to the States sometime at the end of July and I can’t believe how incredibly fast it’s creeping up on me. As of May 1st I have been a college graduate for exactly 1 year and I’m having trouble wrapping my brain around that fact. It seems like just yesterday I was planning my graduation party and I had all my loved ones helping me celebrate and wishing me good luck for my upcoming travels. I can’t deny that thinking about it makes me a bit emotional. Not sad, but just choked up at the reality that life moves so quickly and I’m seeing how important it is to embrace each moment.

Since moving to Europe I have visited 9 countries and countless more cities within France. I hope to make at least one more trip before I leave, but it will depend on time and funds. At the very least I plan to see a few more small towns in France. I have had such an amazing time seeing new places, opening my mind to new cultures, languages, and incredibly fun experiences. In the coming weeks I will continue to explore the bits of Paris that I have had yet to see, cuddle my lovely Parisian friends a little tighter as our time together comes to an end, as well as welcome one of my best friends to Paris next week (!!!!)

As for after Paris, this is where things get a little fuzzy. I have no definite plans yet, but here are what my ideas and ultimate goals are:
I know many of my family members would like to keep me close and would love to see me come back to Florida. I won’t say I will ~never~ move back to Florida, but I do not see it happening in the near future. Right now my main plan is to join my friends in Seattle. I have always loved the idea of living on the west coast and I know that having an established community and group of amazing people to share a house with would make the transition that much better. I have been looking at research assistant positions with the University of Washington, and even looking into possible programs there for pursing a masters degree. A few weeks ago I had a scheduled skype interview with the hiring managers in one of the research departments, however they had to cancel after realizing that their project was moving quicker than they expected and they couldn’t wait for my late return date. This was pretty disappointing, but it also gave me a much needed boost of confidence from the fact that they were even considering me at all. They knew I wouldn’t be returning for months, but were still highly interested in having me join their department. The hiring manager has encouraged me to keep checking for future opportunities with them, and at least now I have a direct job contact when I do arrive in Seattle or apply for other positions with them in the future. So I’m staying positive and seeing what else is out there.
Having a job lined up before I make a huge move like this would be the ultimate ideal situation, but I know realistically this may not happen and I may very well have a temporary rough transition period. Another huge reason why having friends in a new city will be extremely helpful. 

I’m really excited about starting my next big adventure after France. Weirdly it feels a lot scarier moving to a new state than moving to a totally new country. Being an au pair is (in my opinion) the ideal way to make such a huge move like this. I had every bit of security I could ever want: a loving family here to guide me in my times of need, an apartment and job already lined up, and a solid community of other au pairs that made initially making friends so much easier. Now I have to consider going back to ~adult~ life where rent, insurance, and student debt are going to drown me with responsibility.. but weirdly I’m not as stressed about it as I have been in previous years. I (hope) for the first time in my life these financial constraints won’t be quite as difficult since I will finally be able to work a full-time and well paying job (or at least better paying). I don’t expect that it will be exactly easy, however it is a nice feeling to consider these responsibilities and feel confident that I can make it work. 

So here’s to moving on and moving up! Even if I’m not exploring new countries in the next year, I am equally (if not more) excited to explore more of my own country and get a better grasp on what I want to do for myself. This year has provided me with a lot of great personal insight and experiences that I know I will use to keep pushing myself forward. 

The little cartoon town of Colmar, France.

I honestly feel like the luckiest person in the world.
I got a whole extra week off of work in April so I booked tickets to visit Keukenhof (the tulip gardens in the Netherlands) and Dublin!
Both of which I’ve wanted to see for as long as I can remember.
I love my life, I love being able to travel, and I love all of these amazing opportunities that keep coming my way. 

(from top to bottom: Sainte Chapelle, Palais Garnier, & Galeries Lafayette)

There was a small moment when I let the negative sides of this city get me down. The gloomy winter, the smelly metro, and an unfortunately high number of homeless people. Things that should be addressed when painting an overall picture of what this city really is and recognize that it’s not without its faults, but not to let yourself get jaded when there is also so much extraordinary beauty that Paris has to offer. When I look around at all the incredible detail on almost every single building, I think about how much time and care has gone in to the architectural beauty of this place. Every corner turns to another work of art.
When someone tells me that they visited Paris and didn’t care for it, or had a negative experience, it truly makes me sad. Sure, everyone is different and has their own preferences and sees things from their own perspective. But I just don’t know how you could visit something like Sainte-Chapelle and be anything less than blown away. Or how you can live in a place like this for most of your life and not take advantage of just how much there is to do.
Living abroad is such a unique experience to see a place with a totally fresh perspective. As a local foreigner. A temporary resident with an expiration date on our experiences. Parisians tell me all the time that I know this city even better than them, but I try to use these opportunities to encourage them to correct that. If someone who has lived in your city for a mere 7 months has seen more than you have in your whole life, use that realization to get out and explore! I know life has a tendency of getting in the way, but its never too late to start.

It feels incredibly weird to have an entire week off in Paris. In the past 6 months my holiday time has always been filled with working, vacations with the family, or my own ventures to other countries. I assumed the February holidays would be the same since next week I’m going to the Alps with my host family, but a few weeks ago my host mom told me I had the entire first week free as well since she is taking the children to their grandparents’ house. 
So to make use of this time, on Tuesday I took a 2 euro megabus and made my way to the northern French city of Lille. 

I’m always a little hesitant to take trips on my own, but this seemed like the perfect happy medium since it was only for a day - no different than the days I spend wandering around Paris. I arrived at about 11:30 and just spent the entire day walking to different parks, cathedrals, and exploring little back streets. The weather was pretty gloomy but lucky for me it only rained while I was inside having lunch and for about 10 minutes while I was walking around. 
Lille really felt like a mini-Paris. Many of the monuments were dedicated to the same people so even the streets and parks had the same names as in Paris. I walked from the main city center, to Vauben park and the park surrounding the Citadel. 

Even in winter this area was so beautiful, I would have loved to see it when the trees aren’t so naked. 
My favorite part was the utter freedom I felt to do whatever I wanted. I could focus on my photos and not feel guilty for holding anyone up. At one point I just sat in the park and enjoyed the scenery with zero concerns for a schedule or plans. On the other end, it’s always nice to have company and share new experiences with fun people.. but one of the major things I wanted to gain by moving to France was more independence - or rather to be more content in my voluntary solitude - and that is exactly what I have been getting. I appreciate my alone time so much more than I ever have before and I’m incredibly grateful for that. 

The next solo trip I’m taking will be a little more extensive. I booked a train ticket to Geneva, Switzerland and will be spending two days hiking around Lake Geneva. As much as I love exploring new cities I’ve been really craving some outdoor adventures. So I’ll be headed there in mid-April and from there I’m flying to Berlin for a few days. 
In the meantime I have snow to look forward to starting Saturday, and my sister comes in 2 weeks! :)
Very excited. 

xx

I can’t get over how perfect this day was.