#but im not sorry

Rating:General

Relationship:Nine x rose

Summary: While waiting out an unlikely infestation/invasion, the Doctor tells Rose and Jack about a rather…unusual…incident from his past.

Notes: Er, so, hi? *waves timidly*. It’s been a long while, I know- RL has been VERY rude. And apparently this is the first thing that my muse has decided that we need to share after all this time. It’s utter crack, from start to finish (totally not sorry!), and those of you who know me are probably not at all surprised by the content of this crackitude. *grins sheepishly* Fair warning, I’m VERY rusty.To be fair, it’s not entirely my fault- a friend sent me this crazy article and, well, the muse took over after that. Thanks to rose–nebula for the beta x Soooo…..yeah. Enjoy the lunacy and if you hate it please don’t come after me with a crepe?

Also on: A03  I  Teaspoon

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Rose turned to the Doctor. “Right, what we gonna do then?”

“Do?” He cocked his head.

“About the crazy giant moose-things that have taken over the ski park, Doctor!’ Rose stared at him. “Or were you plannin’ to just sit here in front of a sixty-first century ski park  an’ wait it out until aliens try to take over the world again?” 

“Who said anything about aliens?”

Jack stared. “Wait, you mean they’re NOT aliens?

“Nope. Just angry meeses.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Rose frowned. “Did you say meeses?”

“Yeah. Plural of moose. Used to be moose, but they changed because of a mad lawyer in the early twenty-first century. Nutella-crazed, moose-obsessed nutter, she was.”

“Nutella-crazed…what? ” Rose shook her head in bewilderment.

“Oh yeah, complete nutter. Whacked me over the head with a crepe, once.”

“Oooooh, kinky.” Jack waggled his eyebrows. “You randy old Time Lord, you.”

“That wasn’t a euphemism, you oversexed sod! She thumped me with a crepe. Literally.”

Rose narrowed her eyes. “What’d you do, then?”

“Why d’you always assume I’ve done something?” The Doctor crossed his arms indignantly, leather jacket creaking. 

Rose folded her own arms in response. “Cause I know you, Doctor. You always do something.”

“Honestly, Rose, I’m insulted. Me own wife, of all people, thinkin’ the worst  of me! Hurts a bloke’s feelings, that does.”

Rose raised an eyebrow. “Doctor.”

“Honestly, Rose! I have feelings , you know.”

“Nope.” The other brow went up. “Not buyin’ it. What’d you do? ”

“Nothing, really.” He cleared his throat. “I might’ve half-inched a jar of Nutella.”

Rose stared at him, not saying a word.

He looked intently at the toe of his left boot. “…from the cafe she was sitting in. As they were about to put it on her crepe.”

“Doctor!”

“What? I was peckish, Rose, and I had a hankering!”

Jack whistled. “You stole a Nutella addict’s Nutella? You’re lucky you’re still alive to talk about it.”

“You’re not wrong. Thought I was going to regenerate then and there,” the Time Lord grumbled. “Not that I was overly fond of that body anway. Too shifty by half, that one.”

“Which you was it?”

“Seventh.”

“Ah.” Rose bit her lip, trying to hold in a laugh.

“What?” The Doctor demanded. “What’s so funny?”

“S’just…the mental image of creepy shepherd-magician you bein’ chased by a crazy woman wavin’ a crepe.” She snorted. “S’ridiculous, Doctor.”

Jack giggled. 

“Oi! That’s enough of that!” The Doctor looked outraged. “I could’ve been seriously injured, Rose! She threatened to throw me to a moose, you know!”

Rose tried harder to stifle her laughter. “Did she even have a moose?”

“Well, I wasn’t takin’ any chances! She was screechin’ about Rupert and the Twice Victorious Meese Army! I wasn’t sticking around to find out!”

“Rupert?” Rose burst out laughing, unable to hold it in any longer. “A moose named Rupert?”

“Rupert the Battle Moose, First Commander of the Regimental Horde of Very Angry Meeses, if you don’t mind.”

Rose only laughed harder.

“It’s not funny, Rose! I could’ve been seriously injured, me! Have you seen the size of them?”

She tried to stop laughing. She really did, but Jack’s explosive laughter didn’t help. 

“Stop that!” The Doctor snapped. “Death by moose is a very serious business, Rose!”

She squeaked.

“Rose!”

“Death by moose,” she wheezed. “Death by moose!”

“Yes, death by moose!” He shuddered. “Pretty certain that regeneration by meeselation has never happened before. Can you imagine what I’d look like if I’d formed meself on the last thing I’d seen?

Unable to help it any longer, Rose collapsed in a pile on the ground, laughing hysterically. Distantly, she heard Jack crackling with laughter. She wasn’t surprised; picturing the Doctor with antlers and a goofy-looking moose face did that to a person.

The Doctor narrowed his eyes. “I picked up a jar of Nutella from Tesco on our last visit to Jackie- you just see if I share any!”

“Course you will,” Jack wiped at his eyes. “As if you’ve ever been able to say no to Rose.”

“Of course I can!” The Doctor scoffed. “I’m a Time Lord, me- stern of will and strong of purpose.”

“And smitten of the Rose and whipped of the affection.”

“That’s not the right phrasing.” The Doctor scowled. “And I’m not whipped.”

“As a training post in a Victorian army camp, oh, yes you are.” Jack waggled his eyebrows.

Rose smiled cheerfully at him from the forest floor. “You know you love me, Doctor.”

The Doctor grunted.

“You know you do.” She stood, dusting herself off and slipping her arm into his. “An’ I love you, even if you do get yourself attacked by crazy people carrying random foodstuffs.”

He grumbled.

Winking at Jack, she steered the sulky Time Lord towards the clearing in which they’d left the TARDIS. “Come on then, why don’t we talk about it over a nice cup of tea and some Nutella on toast?” 

“S’pose,” the Doctor muttered at last, absently lacing his fingers with hers as they strode along.

“Honestly.” Jack shook his head as he watched them go. “ Sosmitten.”

Fin