#by request

dwpreturns:

(Originally posted circa 2012, © Domwithpen.)

There you are, on the couch, making out.  You take your boyfriend’s hand, pull it back and slap it against your ass - you’re getting him started. Encouraging him to spank you. His spank wilts into a tender caress. Inwardly, you groan with frustration. You take his other hand, move it up into your hair, and ball his fingers into a fist. You give it a little tug. See? You think. Pull! His response? He begins to run his fingers through your hair, slowly, lovingly, while gently petting your ass.

At this point, 99 girls out of 100 are dying to kill you and steal your boyfriend. But not you. You? You’re like, “SPANK ME GODDAMIT!”

Sound familiar?

I’ve had a recent surge of questions from eager, fairly inexperienced submissives wanting to know how they can turn their BF into the Dom of their dreams. I don’t know if anyone can deliver that kind of transformation on a blog - but here’s my best advice.

#1 Figure Out What You Want

You need to decide exactly what it is you want, and that means writing it down. Blog about it. Write in a journal. I don’t care. Just get very, very clear what you want and what you don’t want.  It’s hard for new Doms, non-Doms, and just plain old “nice” guys to wrap their head around treating you in a way they consider “bad.” Your guy’s number one fear is that he is going to hurt or offend you - so you need to be really clear what will hurt or offend you BEFORE you ask him to start Dominating you. Don’t tell him you want to be tied up and spanked, and then freak out when he takes off his belt and starts wailing away. Maybe that’s how he was spanked as a kid, and he’s just trying to fulfill your fantasy, only to find out you LOSE YOUR MIND at the slap of leather. Now you’re crying, and he thinks he’s become some sort of monster. You both lose would could have been a win-win scenario. Need some help figuring out where your limits are? Try thischecklist. There’s probably some stuff on it you’ve never heard of. (Hell, there’s some stuff on it I can’t pronounce.) Write down five of the things you like, and be specific. You never have to show anyone - you just have to KNOW what you want, so you can ask for it.

#2 Drop Some Hints 

This is the ONLY PART OF THE PROCESS where I advocate hints. We’re not even expecting your guy to process these. The hints you’re going to drop may only register deep in his subconscious, so that later you can point out his reactions (which he won’t remember) and he’ll be convinced this was his idea all along. What kind of hints? RentSecretary and watch it with him. Comment on the parts that get you hot. If you watch porn with him, hint at the parts you like. If you’re a 50 Shades kind of gal, read the parts you like aloud to him. I know, I know, these seem like REALLY obvious moves. They’re not. They’re hints.

#3 Exhibit Submissive Behavior

You want to create a sort of D/s onramp for your unsuspecting future Dom. What I mean is, you don’t want to go from vanilla make-out sessions straight to “call my your fucking whore and hang me by the feet from the chandelier while you choke me” without a little warm-up. You want to ease him into it. I suggest starting off with some submissive behaviors that will a.) put you in the right head space and b.) start giving him that power-high that comes with being a Dominant.

Ask for permission. Just start asking for permission to do things that you normally would NOT need his permission to do. Asking permission is a very strong move. You’re giving him power over your decisions. You’re letting him know that you seek his approval and consent. You’re putting him in charge. I’m going to give you a script. Don’t change the words. Say it just like this (trust me.) Examples:

“May I go read my book now?”

“May I wear this dress to the party?”

“May I buy these shoes?”

If the “may I” sounds too formal, start with “Is it okay if I…” or “Can I…” but work your way up to “May I…” if it works for you. “May I” has a formality about it that many Dominants respond to.

Serve him. Make him dinner. When he’s about to get up and grab another beer from the fridge, say, “May I bring you another beer?” (Permission and service in one stroke! Bonus!) Start anticipating his needs. Do his laundry. Think of things he doesn’t like to do and take care of them for him without being asked. I hate sorting mail. girl goes through my mail, eliminates the junk, and presents me with only the things I really need to see. Weird, but it turns me on big time.

Make sex all about him. Don’t worry! This investment will pay big dividends. (Or you’ll dump his ass.) Here’s what I mean.  Next time you’re on the couch, watching a movie, or he’s sitting working on his laptop, walk up to him, get on your knees, and look up at him with those big subby eyes of yours and say, “May I suck your cock?” Yeah. That’s a bold fucking move. But if there’s a Dom in there, that will awaken him. Here’s another one - when you can tell he’s about to cum, try this: “Please cum on me. Wherever you want.” Are these typical porno stereotypes? Sure. Do they work? Absolutely What you’re really up to is letting him know that his desires come first. That you want to fulfill his fantasies. That pleasing him is what really turns you on.

#4 Talk to Him. (No More Hints!)

After a few days of this behavior, he’s going to know something’s up. You’ve been priming him, pumping him up. He knows something is coming (that’s what she said), but he’s going to keep his mouth shut and just enjoy it while it lasts. Now’s the time to talk to him.

Every guy is different, but we all have one thing in common: WE SUCK AT HINTS. Let me put that another way: ME GUY, NO GET HINT! Guys do not speak hint.  We need you to SPELL IT OUT for us. Even if that’s not your nature, even if it makes you uncomfortable, you need to spell it out. You need to stretch past your own boundaries if you want him to do the same. So. Here is my coaching on how to have “the conversation.”  Don’t deviate from this too much. The parts in quotes I want you to say exactly how they’re written. If guys are bad at hints, submissives tend to be equally bad at straight talk (it’s not always true, but it’s common.) So when you think you’re saying “HOLY FUCK THE BUILDING IS ON FIRE!” what your guy hears is, “Do you maybe, um, smell some smoke or something? Oh, never mind. It’s fine.”  Seriously. That’s how big the divide is. So don’t change the script! What I’ve written in quotes works. Even if you feel ridiculous saying these words, say them like this. Stop arguing with me! I thought you were submissive? Here’s the play:

Get him on the couch. Don’t do this in bed. Don’t do it in the kitchen while you’re washing dishes, don’t do it while he’s driving, and don’t to it over the phone. Get him on the couch. It’s sexually neutral territory. You can have sex on the couch, but you can also study for midterms or fold laundry and watch Game of Thrones. Okay that’s pretty sexual. OITNB? No, still sexual. Dora the Motherfucking Explora. There.  Do this when you’re watching a movie - or better yet, while you’re both iPadding or laptopping. (Or lapbottoming.)

Interrupt that activity by reaching over to stroke his cock through his jeans. Yup. Be that bold. You’re making an overtly sexual gesture here. This isn’t cuddly. This isn’t affectionate. This is sexual.  Likely, kissing will ensue, and at some point one of you will come up for air.  At that point, here’s what I want you to say. (Don’t wait for “the right moment” - it will never come. You’re just looking for a breath here where your lips aren’t locked.)

“Do you think you could do something for me?”

“Yeah.” (Guys say “yeah” a lot when you try to talk to us during sex. It’s one of the six words our brains can form while half the blood is rushing to our penis.)

“I… I want you to bend me over the side of this couch and take me really hard.”

“Okay.”

When you’re in the position, and he’s doing his thing-

“I want you to spank me.”

“What?” (He’ll say what. He may sound surprised or indignant, or he may laugh. None of that has anything to do with you. His cock is in you. He’s not THINKING at all. Just ignore his reaction and go right into the next part.)

“Please, spank my ass. Spank my ass with your hand, please.”

When he does it, no matter how gently or pathetically he manages to spank you, you moan like James Deen himself has just written his name on your cervix with the tip of his dick, you hear me?!? Moan, girl, moan! Then say:

“Oh god, yes. Please, again, Sir. Harder, Please.”

PLAY OUT THIS SCENE. It should unfold nicely on its own at this point. If, for some reason, this goes horribly wrong - I’m very sorry! But this is what it might take for you to find out your guy may not have a Dom in him. At that point, you can accept him as he is, or take more baby steps - or you can let him run into the bathroom and curl up in the fetal position to weep, while you log onto fetlife to update your relationship status.

At this point, experienced subs are calling shenanigans on me, saying “That’s topping!” And, some of you subs are saying “But I don’t want to have to train my own Dom!”  

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But look. You’ve got a guy, right? And maybe he didn’t sign up for this when you hooked up because you forgot to wear your “I’m a submissive” choker on that first date. So on the one hand, you’ve got this guy. And on the other, you’ve got these fantasies you want fulfilled. Someone has to initiate the process - and since you’re the one reading this, that’s clearly YOU. I’m just leading you to that first step. I’m helping you get the activity you want in the hopes it will awaken your guy’s inner Dom. He might not have one!! But if he does, and if you follow the above, you’ll have his strict attention. And from there, you can explain that you want him to be in control. Not you.

After this initial session, you’ll want to debrief him. My advice is to let this go how it goes. I only have one coaching: DO NOT ASK “yes” or “no” questions.

“Did you like that?” You ask. GUESS WHAT HIS ANSWER IS?

“Yeah.”

Now you not only don’t know whether he really liked it, you haven’t learned ANYTHING about him. So ask Open-ended questions only. Here are some conversation starters:

“How did it make you feel to Dominate me like that?”

“What did you like about that?”

“What did you like doing to me?”

“What else would you like to do to me?”

“What would you like me to do for you?”

#6 Be Patient

Your guy might jump on this! I know I would. But, on the other hand, this kind of behavior may go against how he was raised. Maybe his dad abused his mom and the thought of striking another woman horrifies him. Maybe he was abused. Maybe he was just raised by midwestern folks with traditional family values and he doesn’t know quite what to make of all this. (That was me.) So be PATIENT. Keep telling him how it makes you when he takes control. Tells you to do something. Spanks you. Whatever it is. Give him lots of encouraging feedback.

#6 Research Together

And by research? Read and watch porn. I love this class! You’re already on tumblr. Show him the images that really get your juices flowing. Show him your blog. Let him start his own!

Here are some links to get you started on your reading journey.

Domination for Nice Guys

Advice to a Novice Dom

Learning To Be A Dom

What Makes a Good Dominant

Qualities of a Successful Dominant

What Should A Dominant Be?

I hope this plan gives you a place to start. Drop me anask and let me know how it goes for you.

THEME 4: Sans Comic

Designed with webcomic blogs in mind, this doubles as a standard blog theme.

Static previews: index page,permalink|Code

Features:

• Comic focused options: Comic navigation (option for image or text links), home/“read chronologically” buttons
• Option for header image and two background images
• Option for tall/fixed-on-scroll header
• Custom colors, fonts (Google/Tumblr fonts), font sizes, and post sizes
• Optional title/avatar/description, search bar, like/reblog buttons, tags, Archive/Random links
• Responsive
• Four special tag links, plus unlimited custom links (see my theme installation guide for how to add these)
• Supports new post types/pinned posts
• And more!

My first ever comic theme, and an entry for the Opposites Attract challenge! Features some special scripting to ensure chronological page navigation works smoothly regardless of your pagination choices.

See more about how to customize this theme (especially for comic usage) and theme credits under the cut.

Customization in general:

• Use either all images or no images for page navigation (first/previous/next/last), as the styles for text navigation are only activated when no images are present.
• If you’d like, you can change the four custom tag links to redirect to other non-tag pages. To do this, search for “TAG LINKS” in the theme code, and remove “/tagged/” from the href attributes (href=“/tagged/{text:Tag 1 name}” -> href=“{text:Tag 1 name}”). You will now be able to add any link in the “Tag 1 name” field; this can be repeated for Tag 2, Tag 3, and Tag 4.

Customization for webcomic blogs specifically:

• For the page navigation (first/previous/next/last) to lead to the appropriate pages, set your blog to display only one post per page. Do this by going to Advanced options on the Customize page, then setting Posts per page to 1.
• For the “First” navigation link, add the link to your first comic page under the “First comic page URL” field. To accommodate for future blog URL changes, you might want to write the link simply in the format “/post/1234567890”, deleting all other parts of the URL.

Theme credits: Layout and design concept by kernelbastard,Tippy tooltips by atomiks, icons from Font Awesome,custom like buttonsbyDemirev,NPF photosets pluginbycodematurgy,dark/light mode togglebyeggdesign,custom audio postsbyannasthms,scroll to top script by Fabian Lins

THEME 3: Newsprint

A simplistic, text-oriented theme inspired by newspapers.

Static previews: index page,permalink|Code

Features:

• (Optional) Vintage newspaper-like styling: sepia filtering on images, a fancy description, and the current date displayed at the top
• Custom colors for text and background, with optional light/dark modes (plus a special version of the theme offering glenthemes’ post filtering plugin, that synchronizes with your selected colors)
• Custom post sizes and sidebar positioning
• Custom font sizes, with a choice between Tumblr and Google fonts for the main body and title, along with a default newspaper title font (see note 2)
• Optional avatar/description, search bar, like/reblog buttons, tags, Archive/Random links, and timestamps
• Responsive
• Unlimited custom links
• Supports new post types/pinned posts
• And more!

Notes:

1. For how to add custom links/enable the theme for mobile, see my theme installation guide.
2. To use the default newspaper title font in the header, disable the “Use Tumblr fonts for title” toggle, then leave the “Google font for title” field empty.

Theme credits: Tippy tooltips by atomiks, Feather icons from Cole Bemis, custom like buttonsbyDemirev,NPF photosets fixandspoiler tags pluginbyglenthemes,dark/light mode togglebyeggdesign,stamp patterning by orhanveli, custom audio postsbyannasthms

Here’s a requested caption, a two-parter featuring Emily Feld…

I know your cock is way too big to fit in this cage, but won’t you try… for me?
Don’t be so surprised! Of course I got it in there. Metal always wins over an erection.
Let you out? I lied about us trying it. Obviously. You’re in there until I fix your arrogant attitude.
I’m going to shrink your pride. If I have to shrink that big cock of yours to do so, well… best you learn fast.