I did not fit into the MRI. I will not fit in other MRIs in my general area by about 15 CM. Fun! So, because my doctor does not have the imaging, he is going on the CT scan from October 4th. He says he is not convinced enough that it’s cancer to start me on medications that will make me sick. Additionally, if my cancer has spread and that is what is showing up in the liver, then the health effects won’t be too bad in the next couple of months. So he wants me to have another CT scan in January 2022.

However, if it is cancer, if my ovarian cancer has spread to my liver, then it is incurable. It is treatable, but not curable. It will be stage 4a ovarian cancer.

ONCE, FOREVER

NAMJIN X READER
NORMAL LIFE AU

CHAPTER 5 (4.6k words)

For more information about this story, find it here

(four years ago - Namjoon and Jin)

Jin wakes up in the most painful manner he could ever imagine.

He wakes up to the sound of Namjoon crying.

What makes it the worst is not that he’s crying in itself, it’s that it sounds agonizing, and he’s still asleep.

Jin doesn’t need to ask any questions, doesn’t need to wonder what the dream - or nightmare, he never really knows - is about, it’s always about Y/N, their baby, their lonely baby.

He scoots closer to his crying boyfriend and hugs him tightly, head cradled to his chest as he starts whispering sweet words, his own eyes burning because he can feel Namjoon’s pain as if his own, he himself woke up crying and in Namjoon’s arms just a few days ago after all.

Sometimes they’re good memories, or things they want happening with her, or simple holding hands and kissing, sometimes it’s making love to her and telling her how much they love her, and other times, it’s the day when she left them, or the apartment rotting around her until it swallows her whole, sometimes it’s her crying on a pile of the trash they took out when they deep cleaned the house, it doesn’t matter what it is, they’ll cry.

It takes a while, but Namjoon’s trembling body eventually tenses and when he wakes up through a small sob, he startles, despair showing off on his beautiful face because it happened again, yet there’s nothing they can do about it, nothing at all.

Jin cups his face, his soul in pieces because of this exhausting morning, he didn’t know their everyday life would get so hard even after a year, even after they moved out of the hell hole, they thought maybe things would get better but they can only come to the conclusion that as long as they don’t have her with them, nothing will ever be better, not in the way they need.

“We need to find her babe, we need her back” Namjoon whispers with a trembling voice as Jin removes the tears from his boyfriend’s puffy eyes before nodding his head accompanied with a kiss to his forehead.

“We will find her, Joonie, I promise you, and when we do, we make sure to let her know that she belongs with us and nowhere else, we make her see that her place is with us, but for that to happen, we need to work hard, Joonie, we need to work hard, okay? Can you do it?” he asks the younger man, and when the latter softly hums before breaking into tears again, Jin hugs him tightly, a melody out of his lips to calm the broken man.

“She will be back with us, Joonie, no matter how long it takes us to find her, we were always meant to be together, the three of us. She’s near, we just have to catch her before she slips between our fingers again”.

(present day)

Walking out of the restroom is the most awkward thing Jin and Namjoon have ever experienced, their eyes red and puffy from tears, they try to at least protect Y/N’s dignity by hiding her as they walk back to their table under the scrutinizing gaze of the employee.

When they finally walk behind the wall separating them from the counter, they all relax and groan tiredly, especially Y/N, goodness, she looks just as adorable as before when she’s sleepy, even if it’s because she cried.

“Why don’t we drive you back home, baby? Tonight has been high in emotions, we can meet again soon” Jin offers, his heart swelling with big fat love when she nods her head with a yawn, she doesn’t even bother hiding her mouth as it opens wide before she rubs her eyes.

This would have been the kind of night where they would have cuddled on the couch with her in his arms, he would have caressed her hair until she would fall asleep and he would have observed her until Namjoon would ask him to get in bed because he didn’t want to sleep alone.

This scenario might not happen just yet, but he got to kiss her lips again and that is enough to make him patient.

Okay, who is he kidding? Jin is not a patient man when it comes to the people he loves, he wants all they have to give whenever he wants. Jin has a lot of love to give, but he requires just as much from them if not more to be satiated.

Luckily, he’s always so easy to satisfy, a loving glance, a smile, a light touch to the arm, his love meter fills so easily, so when Y/N stares at him and grins sheepishly with her tired eyes creasing on him, he knows instantly that he’s a lost cause all over again, just like when they met her for the first time.

Namjoon hands Jin his coffee before drinking his own, they both need as much of a clear mind as they can get because there’s not a chance they’re waking up tomorrow morning with a blurry memory of how this night went, they want to remember everything, every little second by heart.

Y/N finishes her hot chocolate too, but she grimaces through it all, “It’s cold and so sugary, I’d forgotten that they always put so much sugar in these” she says as she sets the cup down and Namjoon sighs, he had a feeling her answer from earlier wasn’t completely honest, so this was why.

“Why didn’t you say so earlier, kitten? We could’ve gotten you something else” he asks her but she simply shrugs before wrapping her arms around one of his own, her sleepy head resting on him while the rest of her body tilts from one side to the other, she looks drunk, it makes Namjoon’s chest hurt with how much love the sight causes to burst within him, is it possible to love someone as much as they love her?

Jin smiles and walks to her free side, a hand on one shoulder while the other rests on her back to keep her steady until they make it to the car. “Look at you baby, you look like you’re going to fall asleep anytime now, can you hold on until we reach the car?”.

She sighs, eyes closed as she struggles to even lift her head up anymore, something Namjoon will not complain about, he looks in heaven with her arms squeezing around his own tightly, her cheek squished against his bicep, Jin can’t blame him, he would be the exact same.

“I’m ‘wake, le’jgo” she slurs right before her legs give up on her and the two men react quickly to catch her only to realize that she’s now completely gone, her neck bent in half until Jin moves in front of her to pick her up and carry her in his arms, her head now resting on his shoulder where she mumbles lightly before snuggling in as close to his warmth as she can.

They both huff, a smile pulling on their lips because they can’t believe it, she’s never fallen asleep on them like that before, especially not in a coffee shop but they guess there has to be a first for everything.

This night has taken them on a literal rollercoaster, they hope it won’t get any worse, they’re not sure they can handle any other big emotions for now.

“Can you get her phone, Joonie? We should see if we can reach Hoseok or that Yoongi, she won’t be able to answer us in that state” Jin asks as they start making their way to the exit, the employee too occupied on their phone to see that two men are walking out with a girl asleep in their arms, that would make anyone suspicious, Namjoon would actually be very disappointed if he wasn’t the one leading said sleeping girl away.

They reach the car and Namjoon opens the front door so that Jin can carefully settle her on the seat, they won’t have her at the back again, it doesn’t matter if she’s sleeping or not, they want her where they can both see her.

“She locked her phone” Namjoon swears as they both get in the car, Jin the one driving as usual.

It’s not like Namjoon can’t drive, he got his driver’s license because of work, he didn’t really have much of a choice but when he can avoid it, he does so wholeheartedly, he hates driving.

“Is it a code?” Jin asks as he twists his body to have a look at the screen just as Namjoon shakes his head. “No, it’s a pattern”. “What about face recognition?”. “Oh, try it on her, maybe it works”.

The older man accepts the device and gently straightens her face before lifting the phone in front of her and… “Nope, nothing, it does look like an older model… do we go back to the restaurant to tell her friend about her being asleep in person? Can we do that?”.

“Well… maybe we can wait in the parking lot outside? We’d just have to keep an eye on the door, ten is approaching so he should be done with work soon after?”.

They both click their tongue, they hate not knowing how much liberty they can take with her. If it were up to them, they would’ve taken her to their house right away, but would she be comfortable waking up there? Without her consent? It’s not because they kissed that they’re allowed to do whatever they want.

They’re about to go with Namjoon’s option, it’s not like they have anything else they can do at the moment but then suddenly, her phone starts ringing and when they look down, they see Hoseok’s name. Wonderful timing.

Jin quickly accepts the call before it’s too late and brings it to his ear. “Oh thank goodness you called, we’re currently on a predicament that requires your advice” he says right away and the other side of the line is quiet for a moment before they hear a soft confused noise.

‘Which of her two exes am I currently talking to?’.

“Jin, Kim Seokjin but please call me Jin”.

‘Jin, right, the tall one with the wide shoulders, right? Yeah, okay, what predicament are we talking about? Did she trip while staring at you and get hurt? Did she crack her skull because she couldn’t get enough of you?’.

Jin blinks in shock before shaking his head adamantly. “What? No, no, we uh… well she had a panic attack, we helped her through it but she fell asleep and now we’re in the car wondering what to do with her”.

Silence. ‘Oh, shit, okay, yeah okay, her panic attacks are always rough on her, do you have anything to take notes? I’ll give you the apartment’s address and my phone number so you can call me, Yoongi is on the way soon to pick me up so we’ll be there shortly’.

“Joonie, your phone” Jin says while putting the call on speaker mode and when Hoseok is told to go ahead, Namjoon enters in his the information given before repeating everything to make sure they got it right, after which he saves the note file properly, he’s not losing this one.

‘Gosh it’s really too bad that she fell asleep on you, she must have been overwhelmed, she really wanted to see you two again, ever since I met her the first time. You know, she even went back to your old apartment a little over three years ago when she was all better to see if you were still there.

She was heartbroken when she saw a stranger’s name instead of yours, especially when no one could tell her where you went, so to suddenly have you appear in front of her like that tonight? I don’t think she was quite ready for that possibility. Anyway, like I said, head to the address I gave you and wait there, we won’t be long’.

He ends the call before Jin and Namjoon can say anything and they both take a few seconds to process what they just heard.

Three years ago? When she was better? Namjoon starts running his thumb over his knee, his thoughts all over the place as Jin sets the address in the GPS with a frown.

Did he mean the addictions? When she finally got out of that pattern, is that what he meant by her getting all better? Is that the conditions she talked about earlier? But then why would she have a panic attack after looking like she said something she wasn’t supposed to say?

Something doesn’t add up here.

“We should’ve left something behind when we left that place, we should’ve left a message behind for her” Jin mumbles, angry at himself, they left so quickly when they could finally afford somewhere else, they didn’t think of the possibility that she would come looking for them there.

While Namjoon knows exactly how Jin feels, it’s already behind them, it’s out of reach now. “I know babe, but what is done is done, there’s no point thinking about that now, let’s start by getting her back home safe. Although it pains me that home isn’t with us just yet, we found her and that’s all that matters for now, we can see how we proceed from there to see her again”.

The older man sighs and nods his head, Namjoon is right, they need to focus on the now, she’s in their car, fast asleep and that in itself is a big relief.

It almost feels like in the past when they would go on long car drives just to change their mind, she would always fall asleep at some point. Them doing that activity in the middle of the night probably had something to do with that, but their goal was always to help her fall asleep so when she would eventually fall limp with a snore, it was to them a victory.

It makes him smile, he missed this more than he previously thought, could they do this again someday? He wishes so.

The address they were given is not that far so they arrive there pretty fast and when Jin parks in the clean parking lot, they both take a look at the building with an approving hum, this definitely looks like a nice place for her.

Knowing that her sleeping form can’t go anywhere at the moment, Jin turns off the engine and then gets out of the car after lowering the windows a little so she can get some fresh air, he smiles when Namjoon joins him near her door as they enjoy the calm and quiet night together.

Or so they thought, they sure don’t expect when all of a sudden, a beast jumps at them with a loud bark, it scares Jin out of his wits and he nearly throws himself over Namjoon, the cop already in position to defend them if he has to until they both find out that said beast is but a puppy which is currently jumping in front of them happily.

It’s a big puppy, but a puppy nonetheless.

Someone bursts into laughter and Jin feels himself blush for the second time that night, he can’t believe he shrieked like that, did he scream? He probably did.

“Oh you little puppy, you tried to scare these newcomers, huh? What a good boy, com’ ere” they hear and one look sweeping over the area reveals an old lady sitting on a chair by a sliding door that must lead to her apartment, a book in hands with the young dog now sat next to her as she scratches his ears.

The halmeoni stares at them with a frown before speaking up. “You two aren’t debt collectors, are you? These young kids are trying so hard to pay on time each months, they’re not in trouble, are they?”.

The two men look down at their attire, a little perplexed, do they look scary? Debt collectors? Young kids? Does she mean Y/N and her friends?

“No, we’re here with Y/N, she fell asleep so we wanted to bring her back home, we got here before Hoseok” Jin explains with what he wants as a reassuring smile, they definitely didn’t kidnap her, would they be here if they were bad guys? They should be fine.

“Is that so? That sweet girl, she must’ve been exhausted then, it’s not easy working ten hours a day, I’m honestly so worried about their health, this can’t be good for them after what they had to go through, what are your names, boys? Who are you to our sweet kid?”.

The two men almost let out a gasp at the information they were given so abruptly, ten hours? Why the hell would she need to work ten hours a day? The halmeoni called them debt collectors, didn’t she? Did their baby get in trouble? What the heck happened to her during their absence?

“My name is Kim Namjoon, this here is my boyfriend, Kim Seokjin” Namjoon answers with a tight jaw, his foot tapping the ground because the more he hears about her, the less he wants to let her go, he feels like there’s a disaster hiding behind crumbling walls and he’s not sure if he’s ready to learn of what it is.

“Oh! You must be her loves then! She must have been so happy when finding you again! Oh, that’s such good news, it broke her heart to leave you guys all those years ago but she thought she didn’t have a choice, she didn’t know she would beat the odds and live past the five years she was given, it’s so good to see that you have a second chance after all” she exclaims, unaware that her words are currently acting like earthquakes and tornadoes in Jin and Namjoon’s chests, what?

“Yeobo! Come meet these two young boys! They’re Y/N’s boyfriends, they’re back together!” she continues and soon, a man comes out of the parted door to stare at the frozen men who are still trying to comprehend the part about her living past five years, what the fuck is that about?

“You two the boys she left to fight her illness alone? You’re lucky her love for you is that strong because if I were her, I would be pissed, you two kids should’ve gone after her, the poor child, she suffered so much” he grunts with a shake of the head, as if disappointed by them, yet they have no idea what the hell he’s talking about and Namjoon is a millimeter away from bursting.

“What do you mean? What are you talking about? What happened to Y/N?” he asks them with his fists clenched, Jin looks like he’s just about to lose his balance and fall to the ground if he hears anymore, yet he can’t keep his eyes away from the old couple who knows something important that they don’t about the love of their life.

“Oh? She didn’t tell you? She never told you about her cancer? I was so sure… must be my memory messing with me then, that’s my bad, that’s what getting older does to you. Sweet Y/N was diagnosed with lung cancer all those years ago, she left and moved in a health center because she didn’t want you to see her die, she-”

A door shutting loudly followed by a “Halmeoni, no!” resounds in the open air but it’s too late, Namjoon and Jin feel like they got their heart ripped out of their chest only to end up kicked around like soccer balls, their soul dies instantly, a light dimmed out before Jin whimpers, a hand over his mouth before he falls to the ground followed by loud crying, no, no no no, no!

Namjoon feels like he can’t breathe anymore, he can’t move, he can’t see, he can’t do anything, he can only relive that day in his mind, the way she had entered the living room looking so lost, the way she’d broke down, her crying one that still fills his nightmares, her trembling body, the bandage on her arm, these would only appear when she’d go under intense stress, her reason for leaving, fuck, they were so fucking blind, so fucking stupid.

“They weren’t supposed to know, halmeoni! Y/N didn’t want them to know! Fuck!”.

“Hobi, you’re going to have to explain to me what’s going on right now, what did I miss? Who are these guys?”.

“Her exes, Yoon, that’s what’s happening, they met at the restaurant but they weren’t supposed to learn of that! Fucking shit”.

“And you tell me that now?! Okay, okay, first of all, I’ll take care of these two, go inside, make some tea and clean the living room, okay? Make sure her bed is ready, we’ll bring her up soon, I’ll handle this here. Now Hoseok!”.

They barely register as the only man they know in this place rushes to the building and disappears inside with more swears leaving his mouth, all they know is that they’re hurting so much it feels like they’re being physically assaulted when really, it’s their soul that’s getting attacked at the moment.

Their emotions are twisting and getting pierced by sharp winds of intense regrets, the very foundation under their feet cracking and breaking until they fall into an empty void filled with her suffering, it’s a torment that grows around them and swallows them whole until all they can think about is how fucking bad they were to her.

Cancer? Lung cancer? She left them because she didn’t want them to see her die? She was getting ready to die alone without ever letting them know about this? She was fighting a fucking deadly cancer all by herself?

“Did I say something wrong? I-”

“It’s okay, halmeoni, it’s not your fault, you should get inside, it’s getting cold, go with halabuji, it’s late”.

“Come, trouble, let’s go to sleep and let the kids handle this themselves, it’s okay”.

A hand on Namjoon’s shoulder and he crumbles to the ground like a sandcastle getting hit by a wave of water, he feels like he’s being crushed into pieces, guilt, anger, sadness, anger, seething anger, towards what? Who?

He doesn’t know, he’s just so fucking angry, at life maybe, he’s angry that she had to be a victim, she had to become prey to misfortune, her of all people and he wasn’t there to keep her safe, he wasn’t there by her side, he hates himself for that.

Jin takes in a deep breath to try and calm down, which doesn’t do shit but that’s the last of his concern right now, how can he keep calm when he just learned that the love of his life, the life source of his very soul left them to die alone?

He stands up with a grunt before opening the car’s door, safety belt undone quickly and then he picks her up and against his chest before he’s back to being seated on the ground, her warmth in his hold as he shakes around her, as he tries to protect her from a past that he has no power over.

He can’t believe she would ever do such a thing, why would she bring such pain upon herself for them?

How strong her love is, she was ready to suffer all alone for the sole purpose of saving them an even greater suffering than they ended up receiving upon her disappearance, she knew they couldn’t handle the possibility of losing her, but what was she expecting? For them to thank her?

Jin feels so angry, saddened, he is broken by the direction her mind took her that day. They could’ve gotten through it together, it would’ve been hard but they would’ve done everything in their power to help her, to take care of her, they would’ve encouraged her, they would’ve loved her a thousand times more, they would’ve filled every days of her life with kisses and cuddles to replace her pain, yet she didn’t allow them that chance.

She decided of everything by herself and took the most painful road out of any of the available ones and he’s mad at her, he wishes she would’ve trusted them more, he wishes she would’ve been selfish, she should’ve been selfish.

Doesn’t she realize that Namjoon and Jin would give away their soul for her? Didn’t they do enough to let her know? Or did their love for her end up being exactly why she made the decision she did?

“Come on you two, let’s get inside and put her in bed first, we can talk next, sitting on the ground like this won’t serve anything and she’s going to get cold”.

Namjoon wipes his face with the sleeve of his shirt and huffs a few times to get himself back under control, fingers squeezing at his temples before he nods, sitting on the ground won’t do anything, the man is right.

He’s a living piece of hurting limbs, a recipient of hellfire as it melts over his head and across his skin until he’s nothing but a skeleton but at seeing Jin holding her so tightly with a look of eternal pain etched onto his face, his normally beautiful and smooth lines distorted as he cries for her, Namjoon knows that he needs to be the stronger out of them, he needs to be stronger because right now, Jin is fading from existence and it scares him.

He bypasses the supportive arm offered to him and stumbles his way to the two receiver of his love, the two owners of his heart where he crouches to pull Jin’s head to his chest for a very needed hug, his hold on the man’s neck strong as he tries to communicate without words that it’s going to be fine, it’s going to be fine, it has to.

Jin eventually sniffles and nods his head against Namjoon’s shoulder, a hand over his face to add pressure to his eyes, he wants to stop crying but the tears just won’t stop, still, after a moment of the bigger man rubbing his back soothingly, he manages to get somewhat of a hold of himself, at least enough to bring her to her bed before he breaks again.

“We- we should bring her inside, it’s really getting cold” he murmurs through a few small sobs and Namjoon helps him up to his feet with Y/N still cradled to him, no one’s taking her away until she’s safe and sound in bed, he won’t be able to let go of her until then.

The man, Yoongi - it has to be Yoongi right? Namjoon isn’t entirely sure, his mind is a mess of jumbled information at this point - comes to them with concerned eyes, takes a good look at them before tilting his head towards the building, after which they start walking, slowly.

The two men are thankful because they don’t have the energy to go any faster. They knew, any more and they would crumble, they just didn’t expect to have this bomb thrown at them all of a sudden.

They definitely got more than they could handle today, a lot more than they were ready for.

PREVIOUS|STORY| NEXT

ONCE, FOREVER

NAMJIN X READER
NORMAL LIFE AU

CHAPTER 4 (3.9k words)

For more information about this story, find it here

Jin holds the door open and smiles at me, a soft motion of the hand for me to walk through, Namjoon close behind before he follows inside the quiet shop, the only sound greeting us one of a coffee machine running in the background and covering the radio that normally plays on the lonely speaker at the counter.

It’s certainly not a grand and fancy coffee shop, but it offers the tranquility that the two men wanted as they finally reunite with their missing love, one they suddenly doubt if they can even get back, it’s not easy to remain calm when they have an inner wormhole threatening to make everything disappear in the flash of a second.

“Is there anything you would like to drink? It’s on us” Namjoon offers, I hum as I look at the menu, a hot chocolate can’t be that bad, can it? Yoongi makes me one from time to time, he wouldn’t if it was something to avoid.

“A hot chocolate would be great, please, thank you”.

Shoulders relax at some familiarity, they would’ve grown foreign limbs if I had ordered some sickening black coffee without the slightest hint of sugar, I can’t have changed that much.

“Hot chocolate, of course, yes. What about you, babe? Want something to eat?” he asks next and we both watch as Jin shrugs a little, his appetite completely gone. “I think I’ll just take a simple coffee”.

Namjoon nods and turns to counter where someone is being served before it’s our turn. “I’ll take the same, I don’t think I could eat anything right now”.

I purse my lips at that, they came to the restaurant to eat, didn’t they? If they couldn’t eat because of what happened with me, that means they currently have an empty stomach, that makes me feel uncomfortable, big as they are, they need every meals they can get.

“Not even a sandwich? At least share something together, you can’t skip dinner” I try, concern on my face as I glance at them both and… maybe they’re a little hungry after all.

Yes, you know what? They’re very hungry all of a sudden.

“We could take a sandwich each, that one looks good, what do you think Joonie?” Jin asks as he points at one of the choices behind the glass, I grin to myself when the giant nods his approval, as if that was their plan all along. “Yeah, it looks good, let’s take two of this one”.

“That’s more like it” I chuckle, unaware that the sound of my voice causes chills to spread over their skin as if my fingers are caressing a trail up to their heart where it tickles, Namjoon even closes his eyes to relish in the feeling, no matter how short it lasts, he needs it.

When comes our time to be served, Jin motions for the sandwiches and even orders an extra pasta salad, one he knows I would enjoy before, just in case.

It’s healthy so he’s sure to not make me suffer unnecessarily, although he would really like to know the reason as to why I would say a definite no to junk food, that seems pretty drastic to him, once in a while never hurts.

Namjoon then proceeds with the drinks and we then wait in silence at the side, a little more relaxed than earlier, not fully, but better.

They want to jump right in the questions about that man, one who’s close enough to pat my butt and kiss me on the nose, they need to know that first, then they want to ask what I’ve been up to, how I’ve been living, what I do outside of the restaurant job, what hobbies I have, did I get an animal after all this time? Where do I live? Am I somewhere nice?

They pray that I am, it would break their heart to have made it somewhere great while I’m still struggling in a rat hole all by myself, have I been suffering without them?

They really wonder about that, because they remember that last day as if it happened yesterday, the way I stared at them like they held the universe in their eyes, the way I so visibly took a mental picture of them to remember them by.

They know I did not leave because I didn’t love them anymore, they know I started crying rivers once I made it five steps away from the door, they know because they could hear me, and it hurt them so much to not run after me, it hurt so fucking much.

So what is my life like now? They need to know.

“There you go, your orders, two coffees, one hot chocolate, two pesto tomato sandwiches and one chicken and spinach pasta salad, the utensils are right there” the employee informs us with a nod of the chin in the right direction, we thank them before getting the necessities which is honestly not a lot.

I try to grab something to help the guys but they stubbornly refuse, my arms hanging by my sides when all I manage to hold onto is a fork, I’ll go far with that, the fork holder, I stare down at it with a frown, it makes the two men smile, every hint of the personality they know from me like a ray of sunshine in the current stormy darkness that envelops us.

We sit at a table in a far corner, one in which prying eyes can’t reach easily, some habits never change it seems, I smile a little when Jin offers me the cup of hot chocolate, it’s warm to the touch and when I take a sip, it’s very sweet, maybe a little bit too much, Yoongi must put less sugar in the ones he makes me but it’s still good and I decide that it can’t be too bad for tonight.

“Is it good?” Namjoon enquires, his eyes taking in my lack of expression after drinking what used to make me hum in delight, I look up to meet his gaze and nod my head slowly.

“It’s good, Namjoon, don’t worry. I’m just a little nervous, it’s… well… tense, like I can physically feel the five years standing between us, I just need a moment” I admit, they both look down at that, lips bitten in nerves as they keep setting up the table, the pasta salad that I know was taken for me slid closer in a tentative offering.

They can feel it too but honestly, they just want to jump over those years and act like they never were there in the first place, they feel selfish in desiring such a thing when it’s obvious that I’m not handling this so well, they’ll have to take it slow.

“We understand, we’re not really helping you be more comfortable right now, I apologize, it’s hard to know how to behave at the moment” Jin says with his soft voice, he looks so dejected and it makes me want to hug him again, gosh how much I want to feel them hug me once more.

“We’re all in the same boat, Jin, it’s fine” I try to reassure him before using the fork I’m still holding to pick at the pastas and chicken, it looks too good to not eat, the meal calling to me even though I already had dinner, I can see that the sight of me eating is easing them into having their own sandwich, no one is left out and that’s important to them.

After a few moments of silence, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and when I take a quick look at it, it’s to see a message from Hoseok telling me to not be awkward, he can feel our silence from where he stands in the restaurant and it makes him annoyed, I chuckle with a shake of the head before putting it back in my pocket.

Seeing that as an opening, Jin and Namjoon both share a look before the latter speaks up.

“Was it… that man? Hoseok?” Namjoon asks in what he wants as a simple question, a light… so what’s up? but he knows Jin and himself look too serious for this to be but a simple question, they’re trying to see if he’s a threat or not after all.

I nod my head before sipping the drink again, a small shrug before I huff a little. “Hoseok, he’s my best friend, he was just making sure that I’m not making this more awkward than it needs to be” I let them know, Jin fails to keep in his relieved sigh as he nods his head with closed eyes, best friend, he’s just a best friend.

I quirk an eyebrow at him, then at Namjoon who sheepishly meets my gaze, he already knows what I’m going to ask and he’s afraid that the answer might… he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really want to find out if he’s honest.

“You two thought we’re dating? Because of earlier in the kitchen?” I ask them, watch as they both duck their head, eyes looking down at the sandwich as if it would become alive and take them out of their misery, so they did believe that.

I snort and wave a hand at them in amusement, Hoseok and I, dating? Pah!

“He’s way too annoying for me to ever consider dating him, I see how he is with Yoongi and the man’s head over heels in love for him, that’s the only reason why he tolerates the man’s eccentric behavior. I tolerate him as a best friend should, he didn’t really give me much of a choice though” I say with a small laugh, he really did start following me all over the place after that particular day.

Jin and Namjoon share a confused look, they feel like there’s much more to this that they’re missing, our friendship doesn’t appear like any regular best friend relationships they could expect from other people.

“Yoongi? Another friend of yours?” Jin asks, I nod my head with softening eyes, that’s just an innate reaction this man has on me, he makes my heart feel all soft and safe, he’s like a protective older brother to me.

“Yeah, Hoseok’s boyfriend, I live with them, have been for four years now, he takes care of us whenever he can” I hum before taking a bite of the salad, it’s really good.

Namjoon stares at me, the words said weird to his detective mind, because… he takes care of us? Why? What kind of taking care do I require from this man he doesn’t know? It makes him feel uneasy, a bigger part of the puzzle completely hidden from sight, he doesn’t like it.

“What happened to that friend you left to in the first place? Were they not a good help to you?” Jin finds himself asking, his mind taking him in another direction because Hoseok and Yoongi clearly weren’t the friends I had mentioned five years ago, not if I’ve been with them for four years.

Honestly, Jin can’t even think of a single person I could’ve gone to at that time, I wasn’t exactly… friendly to strangers, they were an exception because it was love at first sight but if I had any friends back then, he didn’t know them.

And so, they both don’t miss when I tense up, hand frozen over the salad as my heart twists before I force in a breath and a smile. “Yeah, she, uh, she had to move for her job, she’s in Canada now” I answer, hoping this would appease them but it doesn’t, how did I come to live with the two men then?

“How did you meet Hoseok and Yoongi? Did you know them before you started living with them?” Namjoon asks, he can only hope he doesn’t sound like he’s currently working because his work mind is definitely doing its job right now.

I gulp, eyes blinking a little too quickly for comfort as I try to come up with something, anything, gosh darn it, I should’ve come up with an answer before, just in case I would ever be confronted to this moment.

“I knew them before I moved in, of course, we met… at work, yes, we met at work, Hoseok and I got close first and when I met his boyfriend, we got close too, so when I told them that I had to move away… they offered me to stay with them” I try to sound confident in my story, not everything is a lie, it’s got to count for something, right?

Jin nods his head with a thankful hum. “That was very nice of them, to let you move in with them like that.

Yes, thank you for believing me, Jin!

"What does Yoongi do for a living? Do you live somewhere nice? Is it safe?” Namjoon asks, he needs to make sure that I’m not in a shithole, I can see the concern in his eyes, it makes me melt, their care has always been enough to make me melt.

“Yoongi works at a radio station, he takes care of the daily playlists, takes the requests of the people calling to fill in the blanks, we live in a nice building, it’s big enough for the three of us and it’s clean” I start before perking up when I think of the old couple who sometimes comes knocking at our door bearing gifts.

“The neighbors are nice, the halmeoni next door sometimes gives us some food and side dishes when she’s made too much and her husband sometimes give us clothes from his son’s shop, they’re awesome, they take care of us like grandparents would, oh and there’s a guard dog by the front door outside! You should see the good boy, he’s so handsome, he loves ear scratches” I chirp out the end, it makes them smile, hearts endeared, relief flooding them because that’s much better than the other alternative they were afraid of.

“That’s good, I’m glad that you have those grandparents to watch over you” Namjoon says softly with his husky voice, it makes my heart tingle as I nod my head solemnly.

“Yeah, they’re aware of Hoseok and I’s conditions so they try to be as helpful as they can, they give Yoongi a hand in taking care of us” I blurt out without thinking, but when I realize what I’ve done, I quickly look up to find my two exes staring at me with tight jaws.

“Conditions? What conditions, baby? Why do you need these people to take care of you? What happened in our absence, kitten?”.

Fuck, stupid girl, you’re so freaking stupid, fuck fuck fuck.

I look away from them, eyes on the restroom’s door as my heartbeat becomes painfully fast in my chest and my lungs start burning, I can’t let them find out, fucking hell, I’ve always told them everything without hiding anything, I could always easily speak what’s on my mind without thinking too much, I should’ve expected that it wouldn’t change so easily.

“I’m going to the restroom” I manage to say between two painful inhales as I stand up fast, chair falling down behind me but I don’t care, I can’t have a panic attack here of all places, not with them.

The lull of old pain crawls up my spine and spreads through my rib cage, skin turning sensitive and limbs getting numb, a mind never forgets they say, it’s a bitch, chemo pain isn’t something I want back when I panic, damn it!

“Y/N!” I hear just as I shut the door behind me before I slide down against it and to the floor, a hand grabbing at my lungs, it hurts so much, it’s like I’m reliving all over the endless fight against the cancer and it makes me want to cry, we had been so careful in avoiding me panic attacks and here I am, messing it all up because I said too much to the very people I never wanted to find out about this part of my life.

I gasp in air, heart thumping with so much strength that it’s all I can hear, it’s so hard to get through because I know that I need to breathe to calm down, yet breathing is exactly what hurts the most right now, it brings back so many bad memories, when Hoseok would struggle making me calm down on his own, his tears merging with mine, those were not fun times, yet I still wish he would be here with me right now.

When it feels like my throat contracts on me, when it feels like air barely manages to seep through the small corridor, my lungs become literal lava and I start crying, I just want to live a normal life, I never asked for this, I never asked for any of this so why is it happening to me anyway?

I don’t even notice when the door pushes open, when I’m pushed along with it, all I know is that all of a sudden, I’m floating before ending up cradled in a tight embrace, a shaking hand on my head to push to a neck, lips rough and heavy on my hair, it’s warm, safe and familiar and the effect is almost instantaneous, the way my heart calms down, the high-pitched noise that kept screeching into my ears dimming slowly until I get to hear his voice.

“I’m here, kitten, stay with me, okay? I’m here, Jin is here too, we’re both here for you, you’re alright, breathe for us, baby, I know it’s hard but you have to breathe for us, you’re safe, we’re sorry kitten, so sorry, you’re fine, please”.

How much different things would’ve been if I’d never left them in the first place? It’s a thought that has my whole chest clenching before a sob breaks through me, out of pain or out of relief, I’m not sure, I just know that I don’t want to let them go again, I can’t go through that a second time.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for leaving you before, please don’t leave me, I can’t do this again” I whimper as I grip on Namjoon’s shirt as if that would keep him near, anything to end up alone once more, anything but that.

His arms relax around me before I feel his large hands on my cheeks to pull me out of his neck, and when our eyes meet, it’s to find his sweet yet sad gaze on me.

“Kitten, we let you go once before and that was the biggest mistake of our life, we’re not leaving you ever again, you’re stuck with us forever” he whispers while running the pad of his thumbs under my eyes softly as I hiccup remnants of tears.

“Namjoon is right, my love. After you left us, it was hard, but we knew why you left us, you were right baby, so we worked hard to change, we did our best to achieve our dreams, we did everything we could to make you proud baby, we did everything we could so that you would come back to us. We’ve been searching for so long, how could we ever leave you now that you’re here with us?” Jin continues, I turn my head to see him kneeling besides us, his eyes just as soft and wet as Namjoon’s.

He leans in to kiss my cheek when my chin wobbles, right at the corner of my lips, it’s the most he can allow himself and he will take it selfishly, but when he sees me close my eyes, my body melting in their hold, he can’t resist another one slightly closer to my lips and when they part for him, gosh, how could he resist?

He brings a hand to the back of my head and once his fingers have gotten a hold of my hair, he brings his lips to mine and his heart soars high in the sky when I let him in.

This feeling, this softness, he missed this so dearly, as have I, the plumpness of his thick lips so warm and tender, it’s a simple lips on lips kind of kiss, but he presses with so much desperation, all of his love poured into this contact, forehead meeting mine as he tries to keep it going for as long as he can until breathing becomes needed and I can only hope I’m doing enough to let him feel my feelings as well, that it’s not just him wanting this.

When our hearts feel like they’re going to explode if this keeps going any longer, he lets go of my lips but remains otherwise right where he is, nose rubbing against my own, his soul aches so much, getting a taste of what we used to have making him long to get everything that we used to be back right this instant, he knows it’s not realistic but he can’t help it.

“I love you, baby, I never stopped loving you, not one second, please come back to us, baby, please” he pleads, his voice cracks as tears finally run down his skin before transferring to my own where they slide down my neck, or are they my tears? Maybe both of ours.

Namjoon’s cheek meets mine, one arm back around me while the other wraps around Jin, this feels so precious and to be part of it again… I thought it would only happen in my dreams.

“We’ve been dreaming of finding you again nearly every night, kitten. Doing anything without you, it never felt complete, our life without you, it’s not the same, we need you with us. It doesn’t have to be like before, we can take it slow, but please, we love you so much it hurts, I love you kitten, please give us a chance, stay by our side again?”.

Their words feel like a healing balm over my heart, all the emotional pain that filled every nook and crannies of my past soothed, if only for now.

I turn my head to nose lightly at Namjoon’s cheek before kissing it, an arm circling over his shoulders and behind his neck, he takes the hint and he would be cursed if he ever let this chance go, his own face turning to face me before he too starts kissing me like it’s his life source.

He’s less stationary as Jin, much more passionate in the way he can’t keep himself from taking more and more, the past a nightmare that we can finally forget in this very moment and he will do everything in his power to seal our fate right here, right now, no one’s going away ever again.

Those are all the things he wants to let me know as his lips move over my own, the way his teeth tug gently on my bottom lip to remind me that I am theirs enough to make me forget about everything else, my previous panic now non-existent, the restroom in which we’re seated the last of our worries, because finally, after five long years…

We can start anew, a new beginning for the three of us.

PREVIOUS|STORY|NEXT

ONCE, FOREVER

NAMJIN X READER
NORMAL LIFE AU

CHAPTER 3 (3.8k words)

For more information about this story, find it here

(five years ago)

I’m constantly in pain, yet I don’t know which one is worse. My body, or my heart? Which one is beyond repair right now?

Surely my heart, it must be the source of all this excruciating pain I’m feeling every seconds I am awake, I can’t even feel my toes at the moment, my whole body numb and tired, heavy yet completely empty, I feel like the shell of who I used to be.

I lay on my bed, eyes staring up at the white ceiling, my mind the only thing working and its favorite memory to replay again and again is the sight of Jin and Namjoon crying, as they beg for me to stay and my heart breaks over and over again every single time.

It’s a nightmare that never ends, one that was caused by myself, yet it was the only thing I could do, that reality has not changed.

It’s better that I remain in pain alone and die, than let them hurt with me only to die anyway. Their reaction when I left them, it would be nothing compared to the one they would have were they to find my body lifeless.

But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to endure the pain, because all I can think about is how our last day together, the last memory we could make together, is one of pain, pain I gave myself as well as them.

I am going to die with the knowledge that they’ll hate me for leaving them like that, for never coming back. Would they ever forgive me? I want to hope for it, yet what would it serve? I am not seeing them again.

I’ve come to wonder what would even be the point of living these five years if I make it there. What’s the point of suffering for five more years? It still would not make it possible for me to go back to them.

Maybe all of this is completely useless and I took someone else’s chance away in this center, why am I trying? Why am I going through all of this if my only salvation is through death? I’m tired of being in pain, I’m tired of looking forward only to see pain there too, is that all that waits for me?

I’m aware of the hurt and sadness I caused, so why do I still long to hear them say my name with love and warmth? Why do I keep yearning for their arms around me when I don’t deserve it anymore?

Why am I such a fucking mess? Maybe it’s better if I end it all here.

“Hey, psst, are you awake? You are aren’t you? I can hear you sigh, you just came out of chemo too? That shit hurts so much, I just had my first session and I already wish for it to be the last”.

I close my eyes, maybe if I pretend to be sleeping-

“I saw your eyes open, don’t act like you’re still sleeping, I’m not that dumb. I’m just- having nothing to do while we wait here is boring, keep me company, please? What’s your name?”.

I let out a long sigh. “Shouldn’t you give me your name first? It’s not polite to ask for someone else’s without giving your own”.

“Oh, right, sorry, my brain’s a little fried right now. My name is Jung Hoseok, I’m here because of liver cancer, early stage, it’s not really life threatening yet but I’m on the list to find a donor, they have to give me a new liver so I can have a chance at recovering, although they did say that the normal expectancy often doesn’t go higher than five years… oh well, five years are better than none at all”.

“I admire your optimism, Jung Hoseok, the five years I’m expecting seem worse than the time I’m spending here right now” I mumble, then hear him shift with a grunt on his own bed until I hear the patter of his feet on the floor and the next thing I know, a body climbs in my bed to rest besides me.

I tense up and eye the man now smiling at me, a hearty smile, just what is he trying to do? “Go back to your bed, you’re annoying” I groan, head turning away from him but he simply hums and pulls on my pillow to drop his head on it.

“You didn’t give me your name. I gave you mine, so the only right thing to do is that you reply properly”.

“What would be the point? We’re both going to die in five years, I don’t need new friends” I deny him, grumble when I can’t seem to turn my body away from him, this sucks.

Hoseok stares at me and smiles lightly, his eyes understanding, it makes my heart weaken, why is he looking at me like that? “You’re pitying me, stop that”.

“You’re giving up without even trying to see where hope can lead you. They say five years, but it happens that some people make it much farther than that, it all depends on how much you’re willing to fight”.

“Oh, so now you’re trying to convince me to not give up on my life, you want to hear my name that much?”.

“I do! If we’re both going to be here with the same life expectancy, we might as well stick together!”.

I can tell he’s going to be annoying, I did not sign up for that.

“Okay, fine, Y/N, lung cancer stage 3, I left my ex boyfriends and made them believe that I’m now living with a friend so I can keep them from seeing me die and now living feels like a whole lot of nonsense, something I should’ve seen coming because they were my only reason of existing. Happy?” I snarl, my patience already low because of the pain, speaking about this isn’t helping, damn it!

Silence welcomes my words and I don’t know if it annoys me because this is when he decides to shut up or if it’s because I decided to blurt out all of this only for him to give me no reaction at all.

I’m about to push him off the bed, if only my body would cooperate when I instead feel arms wrap around me, gentle and warm, it takes me aback, every thoughts I had fading into nothingness.

“W-what are you doing?” I ask, my voice much weaker and wavering than I would’ve wished for but he keeps hugging me without saying a word, a hand behind my head pushing my face to rest in the nook of his neck and I feel myself tear up, this comfort…

If he makes me get a taste of it here, I’m going to want more and the pain is going to be greater when we reach the end, yet as I try to work my tongue to ask him to let go of me, my body does everything to keep me from going through with it.

“You’re so brave for protecting them like that, pretty bun, it must be so hard, so hard” he murmurs before starting to rock us back and forth slowly, my bottom lip wobbles and I feel the tears hit his skin before I register the blurry burn to my orbs, a sniffle as I try to keep calm, a fight I know I’m already losing when his arms tighten around me, a gentle shushing noise before he kisses the top of my head.

“I can’t promise you that it’s going to be all fine, Y/N, but I can promise you this, you and I, we’ll stick together from now on, alright? I won’t leave you alone, no matter how much you push me away, I’ll keep following you around until you have no choice to accept me. I’ll show you that although short, any years we can gain in this life will be worth it”.

Such proud words considering that he has nothing to gain out of this, still, he makes me want to lean on him for what time I have left, maybe having him by my side wouldn’t be so bad?

“You’re going to be annoying no matter what I say, aren’t you?” I mumble with a small huff, he chuckles with a nod of the head.

“Absolutely. I’ll be the best annoying friend you’ll ever have”.

I allow out a small smile and shake my head. “That doesn’t sound like a good thing but… sure, do what you want”.

(present day)

“Kitten, is it really you? Y/N, please tell me it’s you, please”.

I slowly turn around to gaze at the man who used to be mine, the man who used to cherish me every single day, the man who would tell me I love you any chances he would have and as our eyes meet, I feel time slow down as I take in his appearance.

Namjoon now looks bigger, larger and so deliciously handsome, yet his tears currently fall like waterfalls as he takes me in, his pupils blown wide on my form as if he can’t believe what he’s seeing.

It takes me a moment to register my own tears as they fall down but I couldn’t care less, not when I have one of the two men who mean the world to me, the only ones worthy of my love standing in front of me.

“Namjoon… Joonie” I whisper, unsure of how to behave, it’s been so long after all, five long years, how much has changed since then? Is he here with Jin? Is Jin here too?

“I can’t believe it… Jin! Babe, come here, now!” he suddenly exclaims before closing the distance between us until I end up bumping into his chest, his arms circling around me tight and desperate as he keeps me in place, as if afraid I might disappear anytime.

“Oh my baby kitten, you have no idea how much we’ve been searching for you, we’ve been searching everywhere for years and you were right here? I thought we wouldn’t ever find you again”.

I bite on my lips guiltily before hugging him back, my soul finally feeling at home and at peace, I’ve been missing this so dearly, his warmth, his strength, I missed him terribly.

“Joonie? What’s wrong?” we both hear Jin ask, my heart skips a painful beat as I lift my head to see him enter the kitchen and just like Namjoon… goodness, what have they been doing during these past years?

Have his shoulders gotten wider? Did he get taller? Is that possible? His handsome face is even more perfect than it used to be, smooth lines easing the eyes in, he’s glowing, they both are, did my absence do this to them?

He freezes mid-step when his eyes fall on me, brain lagging for a small second before he’s running over and stealing me from Namjoon’s arms with a delighted half sob, half laugh and then makes us spin in circle as he squeezes me so tightly that it hurts, but it’s a good kind of hurt.

“Oh my baby! My love, my baby, oh Joonie, she’s here!” he shouts, happy beyond what I could have ever dreamed of, how can he be so excited to see me when I left them without any warning? I was gone for five years, am I really allowed this right now?

He sets me down on my feet before cupping my cheeks, thumbs wiping my under-eyes free of tears before he really takes the time to look at me, his eyes shooting stars and hearts.

It feels like we’ve never been apart to begin with while also feeling like we’ve been apart for hundreds of years, it’s weird but welcomed, I can’t help but smile shyly at him, I can’t believe they’re here, in front of me.

A throat clearing and reality comes crashing back in, the sight of my coworkers staring at us with badly hidden curiosity enough to make me step back in embarrassment, fuck, I’m still at work, I can’t act all lovey-dovey with my exes!

And it’s not like I’m ashamed of having been part of a poly, but it’s a little awkward right now. It’s been years and they’re still together, there’s such a gap that took place between us and… I don’t think here is the best place to talk.

Jin looks heartbroken to have me already out of his arms, but one look around him and he too blushes a little, his ears turning red just like always, it’s comforting to see that some things have yet to change.

“I… uh… I need to complete my shift but… I finish at ten, we could talk then?” I ask hesitantly “if you want” I’m quick to add, I can’t will myself to take this for granted even if Namjoon clearly stated that they had been looking for me, it still feels surreal.

The latter frowns and looks around the room until his eyes stop on the manager who tries to make himself as small as possible while working the post Hoseok left, he can feel the investigator’s orbs on him and he hates that.

Investigator, it’s a title that suits Namjoon so well, it was his dream job so to know that he achieved it, it makes me so proud of him, he looks the part, he’s a sexy investigator, he feels so much out of reach now, they thrived while I only survived.

“You, Daniel, you can do her job while we take her away, right? Since you seem to know how to do this job to a perfection, I’m sure you can handle working her post until the end of the night”.

My eyes widen, as do the manager’s while Hoseok’s crease in excitement, oh this is gold.

“Namjo-” he stops me with a finger raised and I shut my mouth with a light pout, yeah, some things just don’t change no matter what.

“Yes, I- of course, I’ll do it, yes” the man mumbles and my jaw drops to the ground, I can’t believe the asshole is agreeing so easily, the power my ex holds is not to be taken lightly, but then again, with his job title, I would be freaked out too if I was on his bad side.

Hoseok winks at me and hurries back to his post to continue what was already being done, he’s definitely not going to get in the way of me leaving work sooner, not when he can see that I’m wanted somewhere else, the two people I cried so often for clearly eager on taking me away.

“There you go, now you can come with us” Namjoon says proudly before offering me a hand, his large palm turned upwards for me but I hesitate, it feels… intimidating for some reason, it’s almost scary.

“It’s okay, baby, we won’t push, if you feel like it’s too soon, we’ll respect that” Jin assures me with a gentle smile, but his eyes are sad, it makes my heart pinch painfully, that’s not what I want, but that’s probably what we need.

It was five years, we’re not who we used to be anymore, that much is obvious, they seem like they have a much better life quality than I do now and I’m really happy for them, but it’s making me feel embarrassed about my situation.

I’m deep in debts and I can’t possibly let them know what they’re for, I can’t let them know what happened, they’ll be devastated.

“Don’t get me wrong, I want to… but I think we should talk first, we just met after five years, we all need a moment” I mumble while looking down, something Jin doesn’t like because soon, he’s hooking a finger under my chin to make me look up at him.

“Don’t feel bad, don’t look down. You’re right, we’re just excited to see you again but we’ll slow down a little, don’t worry, now come, let’s get out of here, restaurant kitchens always smell terrible”.

“Yeah, okay… let me just go get my things before I come with you, I’ll be quick” I utter before rushing to the locker room behind the kitchen, should I let Yoongi know that I won’t be there when he comes to pick Hoseok up later?

Nah, he’ll handle it for me, I’m pretty sure Jin and Namjoon will want to drive me back home so I’m not too worried about that, they won’t leave me on my own.

With that in mind, I grab my back and phone before closing the locker, then make my way back to where my exes are standing, but before I reach them, a hand closes around my wrist and I turn back just in time to have my best friend hug me.

“Make the most out of this moment, okay? You don’t leave them without their phone number, you don’t say goodbye without scheduling another meeting, I swear to God, Y/N, I will murder you if you come back home empty-handed”.

I frown. “You’re going to finish what you started five years ago, that it?”.

He nods. “Absolutely, don’t tempt me, bun, I can be even more annoying if I want, you just got used to my normal level, that’s why you feel like I stopped”.

Damn, he’s right, isn’t he? He never stopped being annoying.

He pulls back and pats my butt with a grin. “Now go, don’t make them wait any longer, I can feel the lasers pointed at me and I don’t want your boyfriends to attack me”.

I wince at the term he used, that one feels too… “Too much?” he says with an apologetic smile, I nod before patting his arm. “Yeah, but it’s okay, I mean… maybe it can go back to that? After we get used to each other again”.

He hums and pulls me in for a hug again. “Take your time, you can enjoy being with them without feeling like you have to make anything happen. Your comfort is your top priority, okay?”.

I make a noise to let him know I got it and when we part once more, he kisses my nose before gently pushing me away so I can join Namjoon and Jin, I can see thousands of questions on their faces, their eyes showing off a pain that they try to hide, they’re trying to explain my distancing and they’re coming up with wrong answers.

I wish I could be honest with them and tell them everything, about how Hoseok and I met, how much he means to me, they would understand much better if they had the context, but I can’t, not without exposing the reality of my cancer, it’s too risky.

“Shall we go?” Namjoon asks when I reach their side, this time without offering a hand, he keeps them in his pockets. I smile lightly and follow behind him next to Jin, it feels tense this time, awkward, it’s making me feel uneasy.

We make our way through the building, I wave goodbye to some familiar faces as they stare at us without shame, their eyes judging, how the heck could I be acquainted with such men? If only they knew…

“Are you comfortable with taking our car? We could go to your favorite ramyeon place? They still make the cheese one that you like so much” Jin tries to brighten the mood but I pinch my lips into a thin line, as tempting as it is…

“I don’t… really eat any junk food anymore, Jin, but thanks. I already ate dinner anyway, Yoongi made Hobi and I something before we had to leave for work, I’m not really hungry. We can go somewhere you want to go instead, I don’t mind watching you two eat”.

They both whither, because me and junk food, we were one, it used to cheer me up instantly all the time in the past, but they can see that now it only causes worry to flash across my face and it makes them concerned, they don’t understand why that of all things changed.

After the treatments came to an end, my doctor told me that if I want to avoid as much as possible my cancer coming back, then I need to eat healthy food, I need to exercise more, I need to avoid stress, all things that sound easy but aren’t.

The simple thought of cheating a little with junk food freaks me out, I’d rather not risk it.

“Okay, we can just head to a coffee shop then? You can get something to drink there” he offers instead and I nod with a soft hum. “That sounds good to me”.

We reach the parking lot and I look around us, unable to imagine what kind of car they have now, the one we used to have was old and run down, but seeing how they dress themselves today, I doubt that they kept the same one.

“This is ours” Namjoon points at a SUV, a gorgeous blue, it’s definitely a recent model and it makes me gulp, are they rich now?

It does feel like it, Namjoon did often talk about the salary of a criminal investigator in the past and the yearly amount wasn’t anything to laugh at, I’m sure they live very comfortably now, I’m happy for them.

“It looks nice” I murmur, and when the lights flash as Jin unlocks the doors, I get in the back before they can offer otherwise, I don’t think it would feel right if I sat at the front like before.

They both sigh heavily before entering the car as well, Jin in the driver’s seat while Namjoon sits besides him, fingers tapping on the GPS in the middle console to find a nearby coffee shop that could be open until they select one, then we’re on the road, all of that in silence, the thrill of finding each other earlier now gone as we instead become nervous, anxious even.

My heart is beating so fast I feel like I’m going to be sick, so I lower my window a little, just enough to stick my nose in the wind as I rest my head on the side, it helps distract my mind.

They don’t miss the act, it makes them feel bad, this is so very awkward and they can’t help but feel like they could do better to liven up the mood, yet they can’t, they have so many questions they want to ask, mainly about that friend of mine and they don’t know if they can ask without sounding jealous.

Friend, or boyfriend? They’re not sure, it makes their soul tremble like a leaf, they’re so afraid of the possibility that they found me too late, that all of this was for nothing, they fear that possibility like they fear death.

Can this night go well? The three of us dearly wish so.

PREVIOUS|STORY|NEXT

ONCE, FOREVER

NAMJIN X READER
NORMAL LIFE AU

CHAPTER 2 (4.4k words)

For more information about this story, find it here

(present day)

“Hey bun, you have to wake up, we have work soon”.

I sigh, eyes still shut even if I’ve been awake for a good twenty minutes now, I just wanted to get as much rest as I could. I sit up slowly and run a heavy hand through my hair with a grunt, what I wouldn’t give to stay in bed for one more hour.

A chuckle reaches my ears until hands cup my face, fingers pinching my cheeks to help me up and about.

“Come on, bun, you know the drill, we need to make money if we want to pay those debts, we’re lucky enough that we could get a job together for the both of them, don’t make me end up alone because you didn’t want to get out of bed”.

I pout at my best friend, my biggest supporter who stayed by my side for most of the time I remained at the center, a dear friend who I didn’t know I needed but now cannot see my life without.

He arrived there a few weeks after I did, liver cancer in the early stage, his life wasn’t really in danger but it didn’t make the treatments any more fun, we bonded quickly when we ended up in the same room for recovery.

Jung Hoseok, my friend soulmate.

He knows everything about me, about my past, about the two men who still own my heart, there’s not a single thing I’ve kept from him, the times crying because I missed them so much spent in his arms as he hugged me through the pain, he’s been a wonderful friend for me.

As for him, well Hoseok didn’t really need the same support from me. His boyfriend, Yoongi would come visit him as often as possible, he didn’t really care about me at first, he was there for Hoseok and only him, but after a few weeks, when he saw how close we were getting, the man allowed his heart to open up to me as well, so now we’re very close.

So close that we in fact all live together. They let me move in with them once I could leave the center, they knew I couldn’t just go back to my exes, not when I looked like death, my appearance one of a sick woman, it took a lot of time for me to get a healthy physique back.

We all share the living expenses for a nice apartment, which is really helpful, for me but also for them, it’s a winning situation for all three of us.

Yoongi was living in a small room in a public house with Hoseok when he was diagnosed with liver cancer, they didn’t have such a good job at the time and couldn’t afford more, it was unthinkable for Yoongi to make Hoseok live there while going through chemo, which is why they decided to go with the center where he would have better living conditions, but it sure took a toll on them, debts climbed quickly and they decrease much slower.

We’ve been living together for four years now and… we’re getting there, slowly but surely, the debts go down and that’s all we can ask for.

A pat to my cheeks to get me back to the present, I grumble as I try to push Hoseok off of me but he giggles before pulling me up to my feet just as my bedroom’s door opens to reveal Yoongi with a spatula in hands and a disappointed frown on his face.

“Don’t you dare get to the restaurant late, get dressed quickly and come eat before you leave. You’ll have to take the bus to get to work but I’ll come pick you up at 22h, okay? Just a little four hours” he encourages us before leaving the room, I offer Hoseok a smile before going along with the eldest’s request.

The first year after completing our treatments wasn’t fun for Hoseok and I.

He ended up with a new liver after a few months of chemo and the after-effects were rough on him, he was in a lot of pain until he started feeling better.

Then there was me with my inability to walk even a few steps without getting out of breath, breathing at all was painful at times.

Yoongi was a strength that pulled the both of us forward many times, we owe him a lot. My surviving the cancer was honestly not even in the cards for me at first.

The first few months weren’t very optimistic, I didn’t have the will in me to fight at all, my heart was in crumbles no matter how much my two new friends would try to talk me through it and my health had dropped to a point where the cancer had quickly gained in size, which almost took me out.

It took Yoongi getting mad at me, it took him telling me that if there was the slightest bit of chance that I could survive, then I needed to take it, it was the price to pay to see my ex-boyfriends again, the overwhelming pain a very hard price to pay, but that if I could get through it, then maybe, just maybe, I could find Jin and Namjoon again.

That possibility… it felt selfish, so very selfish of me to grab onto, I was the one who left them after all, but I couldn’t help but long for their arms around me again, to hear their voice again, their eyes on me, and that could only happen if I kept fighting, so I did.

It’s crazy how much your mental state affects your body, because soon, the tumor was shrinking again and getting weaker, and then one day, it was gone.

My rate of survival had climbed from 23% to 78% with a life expectancy that could maybe go beyond five years, everyone couldn’t believe their eyes at first, but the numbers were there and it was a victory for all of us, Hoseok cried tears of joy for me that day.

As for Yoongi… he welcomed me in with a nice warm meal on the table with a bedroom furnished and waiting for me.

Hoseok might be my friend soulmate, but Yoongi is my half soulmate. I love them both to bits, I owe them my life today, most definitely.

There was one day when I dared go back to the apartment building where I lived with Namjoon and Jin, Yoongi and Hoseok were with me for mental support, but before I could even enter the building, I had taken one look at our door’s number to find a new name besides it.

They had moved out and no one knew where they’d gone, they only knew that they barely packed anything, they looked like dead men when they gave the key to the landlord before driving away.

The ride back to my friends’ place had gone with me crying in Hoseok’s arms once more until Yoongi had made us stop at an ice cream parlour where he treated me to the best ice cream I had ever eaten in my entire life after making me promise to stay strong and to not give up.

Needless to say, Yoongi is a very caring man and I feel very lucky that he allowed me into his heart, one that was reserved uniquely for Hoseok.

I step out of my room to enter the kitchen where Hoseok is already eating, a plate next to him waiting for me while Yoongi is now nowhere to be seen, he must have gone back to work at the radio station.

I get on the chair next to him and grab my fork before digging in, a satisfied hum leaving me because he really is such a good cook, not too far behind Jin.

Namjoon though… goodness, the man can’t cook a single carrot, I wonder if that’s something he worked on. If he can make pastas all by himself… it would be reason enough to celebrate, especially if they’re edible.

I smile to myself at the thought, it doesn’t hurt nearly as much now, I’ve learned to accept the life that is currently mine and… who knows, maybe one day we’ll cross paths again?

Even if all I get to see is them from afar, I still would be very happy, if only I could see how they are doing, if they’re smiling, laughing, loving each other.

“I wonder if one day we’ll be able to live normally” Hoseok speaks up all of a sudden and I look up from my plate to glance at him just as he continues. “We work at the coffee shop during the day, then at the restaurant in the evening, it’s ten hours a day, Yoongi works eleven, how do we even survive?”.

I purse my lips and shrug a little. “We fought cancer, now we have to fight life and debts. Once we’re done, maybe we get sick again? It’s the cycle of life on this planet, you overwork to keep yourself from sinking, you fall sick, you get debts, you recover, you overwork to keep yourself from sinking. We’re right in the middle of it”.

Hoseok stares at me with light disgust. “Wow, thank you, Y/N, that’s nice, really cheering me up right now”.

I grin and wrap my arms around him with a hum. “Hey, it’s okay, we’ve got each other, right? We met because we both got sick at the same time, not everything has to be bad”.

He sighs before hugging me back. “Yeah, you’re right, but one time is enough, I don’t want to go through that hell again, I hope those tumors never come back”.

I rest my head on his shoulder and purse my lips. “Me too, Hobi, me too. Once was enough”.

But we both know, even if we never say it directly. We know that it’s very possible that the tumors come back, it could be anywhere and just as deadly, what then? Can we handle it a second time? I’m not sure if I want to find out.

That’s not the cycle of life we’re stuck in, it’s the cycle of death, and it follows us everywhere we go, a shadow looming over our heads.

It’s just something we have to accept, there’s nothing we can do about it. Being alive right now… it’s something that needs to be cherished, it’s precious, so precious.

—

“More dishes are on the way, Y/N, what the hell are you doing? There are barely any utensils left, the glasses are still dirty, move faster! You’re not paid to lounge around!”.

I grit my teeth at the manager’s comments, because I have not been lounging around, I’ve been running all over the kitchen and doing my best, I take one minute to breathe because my lungs started to hurt and suddenly, I become a slacker.

Asshole!

This is a chic restaurant, I would’ve thought we’d be treated well even if the jobs are shit, but no, that was a futile wishing, we’re still treated like garbage.

I don’t respond and instead keep doing what I never really stopped doing, which is putting dishes in the dishwasher after drying the clean ones to put them where they belong continually until the night ends.

“You know that speed is important in this job, especially for us so unless you want to lose your job, do better! I don’t care what kind of health sickness you have or why it makes you slower, you working here is not a game, am I clear?”.

I remain silent, the weight of the others glancing awkwardly my way making me feel like shit, gosh I don’t need that kind of crap.

I meet eyes with Hoseok as he makes side dishes and discreetly shake my head when I find him more angry than he’s allowed to be, I don’t want him losing his job because of me, we really need this here, the pay is great even if the job sucks.

A hand on my shoulder and I’m turned around forcefully to face the sick fuck that calls himself our superior. “I said. Am I clear?”.

Breathe, it’s okay.

“Yes sir, very clear”.

“Good. Now do your job properly” he spits out before spinning around to point at the wandering eyes. “You too! Stop staring at what doesn’t concern you and do your job, we’re on a rush here and the food won’t make itself!”.

Just a little four hours, Yoongi is right, it’s nothing too bad, we just need to get through these four little hours.

I can do this.

Namjoon’s POV

Jin and I enter the restaurant we made a reservation at hand in hand, smiles on our lips because it’s been a while since the last time we did something like a romantic outing, it hasn’t really happened ever since Y/N left us.

Learning to live without her… it was hard, so very hard. We waited a year for her, we waited a year at our shithole before moving out, realization that she was not coming back obvious to us, yet we never really lost hope of finding her again one day.

Finding her as in… we’ve been looking.

Everywhere we could think of, we went, we asked around, we showed pictures, yet nothing. Not a single hint that could lead us to her.

You’d believe I’d be able to manage something now that I’ve become a criminal investigator, now that I have contacts who can help me but fuck, she’s… transparent, a ghost.

After she left us, Jin and I, we started re-evaluating our way of living, we knew we had fucked up, we let ourselves fall down a pit without seeing how it was hurting her. When she’d said that it wouldn’t change anything if she stayed with us, that we tried to change before only to give up at the first bump, she was right, so very right.

So many times she’d tried to push Jin and I to accomplish our dreams, we had started, so why did we stop? Because it was scary, we needed to be clean to make it there and that’s exactly what we weren’t, yet instead of dropping drugs and all that shit, what did we do? We dropped our dreams.

We dropped her.

Once we could understand that, we took the matter between our own hands and cleaned the apartment, a deep fucking needed cleaning spree. We’d armed ourselves with a trash bag each and we got rid of everything toxic, everything that made her leave us.

Needless to say, the final result broke us, we cried for what was probably hours when we saw the pile of bags in the middle of the living room. Just how low we had fallen for the simple reason that it was all we had known growing up.

For that first year, we pitied ourselves a lot. Gosh we felt empty.

We didn’t have Y/N by our side and the idea of using what had taken her from us to get over her being away from us felt so wrong, we couldn’t do it anymore, we were living corpses, even the neighbors would stay away when they’d see us.

It was hard, so very hard, and then one day when I came back home from work, it was to see that Jin had gathered every single pictures we had ever taken with her, even those only in our phones, they were all printed out and neatly piled up on the table with dozens of frames on the side, and he was just sat in front setting them up to decorate every surfaces we had.

The TV stand, the kitchen counter, the coffee table, our bedside tables, her face was everywhere and the sight made us cry again, because it served to remind us of what we had, what we had taken for granted.

But then, it’s like a flip was switched within us, because instead of continuing to mop around like imbeciles, we used that pain to act and finally go forward with what used to be our dreams.

If we wanted her back, then we needed to show her that we were worth it, we were worth her trust.

So Jin became a model first, he did every little odd jobs he could find, ones that had no exposition at all, and when he saw the opportunity, he moved behind the cameras, he became supervisor, and then he moved to the office where he would come up with ideas for the projects, and now he owns his own modelling agency, and he’s so proud of it.

As for me, I finally contacted the Police Academy and finished my studies there, I worked hard, I made my proof, and suddenly I was promoted to criminal investigator where I now strive, I love my job and the salary is great.

So great that we in fact bought a house, the kind of house that we know she would love, the kind of house she would talk about with sparkling eyes in the past, the kind of house in which she would talk about a life as a family, maybe we could get a dog, or a few dogs, cats, bunnies, birds, gosh, how much her face would brighten up at the sight of animals.

It came to no surprise to Jin and I when she’d told us the first time that it was her dream to have a farm, it really fit her so well, a job surrounded by animals. I wonder if she made any progress in that direction?

All I know is that we could easily build one behind the house because the land we own is a few acres large, we had to move out of the city for that to happen but it’s worth it, the air is cleaner and the sights we now see every morning, they soothe a heart like nothing else can.

“Hello, we have a reservation under Kim Seokjin?” I hear Jin speak up and I blink in surprise when I take notice that we’re now standing right in front of the front desk, the line was so long when we’d first come in but now it’s behind us, I’ve really been out of it, Jin is one patient man.

“Yes, right this way please” the hostess hums after finding his name in the book, then starts walking in a direction, Jin looks a little surprised when he doesn’t have to pull me by the hand to have me move this time.

“Back with me, Joonie?” he muses and I smile sheepishly. “Yeah, sorry babe, just got a little lost in thoughts there”.

He chuckles. “A little? Joonie, I had to drag you all the way to the desk and you didn’t even notice it” he says before his smile falls a little. “You were thinking about her?”.

We thank the hostess once at the table and we sit down face to face before I nod slowly. “Is there ever a time when we don’t think about Y/N?”.

He smiles softly. “Not really, no. She would probably think us obsessed if she knew”.

At least she would know that we think of her. That’s what I want to say, but I don’t, what would it serve? Jin looks like he’s in a good mood and I want to cherish this moment, we deserve to relax without having any depressive thoughts for once.

When a server comes to hand us the menus, Jin and I both order a non-alcoholic drink before looking down to have a look at what we could eat, it’s our first time here and we only saw good reviews about it so we were pretty excited to try their food for ourselves, but a loud crashing noise reaches our ears from what seems to be the kitchen and the room falls silent just as a voice raises in anger.

“What the hell was that?! You- stupid incompetent! Clean this up right now and then go back home, I don’t want you here ever again, you clearly don’t know how to work in a restaurant!”.

Everyone in the room shares a look with each other, uneasiness crawling up our spine because… that was harsh, it must have been an accident so that way of talking is completely unnecessary, I feel bad for whoever lost their job publicly.

“I don’t care that you need the money, you’re costing us way too much for the help you bring, I’ve had enough! You! Go back to your post, you’re not done with your shift- Hey, did you listen to me? Stop helping that stupid girl and- Jung Hoseok!”.

Whoever it is that is speaking right now, they’re ruining everyone’s night, it’s definitely not worthy of such a chic restaurant, and to hear them speak to those employees like that… gosh, it gets the cop in me itching to get up and see for myself what the heck is going on, maybe I could bring some order back in there, this is ridiculous.

“Why don’t you go have a look, Joonie? I’m sure they could do with someone like you to watch over them, at least until they make it out of here” Jin tells me with a smile, he always knows me so well, I quickly nod my head before standing up as I grab my badge, it doesn’t take long for the server nearby to see it and then he’s leading the way to the kitchen in a hurry, clearly this isn’t the first time this is happening.

A few of the employees step aside when they see me arrive and when I stop in the doorway, the first thing I notice is the broken porcelain on the floor with a woman in the middle, her back turned to me as she tries to gather the pieces with another man by her side, I can see the way she’s shaking in fear, it makes me feel bad, no one should be treated like that.

“And who the hell are you, huh? What are you doing in my kitchen?”.

I look up to see a man attempting to tower over me, which he could never because I’m easily a head taller than him, one look at him is enough to let me know that he’s the kind of manager everyone hates, arrogant and cocky.

I show him my badge, watch as his skin pales as he takes in that I’m not a simple cop.

“Criminal investigator, Kim Namjoon, I’m here to see the cause of all this screaming, it sounded like something terrible but from what I can see, it’s only a broken plate” I state firmly, unaware that two bodies freeze at my words, my gaze focused on the man who wilts in front of me with every passing seconds.

“I… uh…” I ignore him and turn back to the two bodies frozen on the floor into a crouching position, that can’t be comfortable.

“Do you guys have a broom? You should start with that, you could cut yourself, come over here” I request, a hand reaching out to help them step out of the circle of destruction, it wouldn’t do if one of them steps on a sharp piece, they could get badly hurt.

The man, one I can only imagine as Jung Hoseok since he’s the only one helping the poor girl, stands up first and helps his friend do the same before leading her out of the area of broken porcelain until they both stand slightly in front of me and to have the woman so near…

I tilt my head in confusion, something about her that is strangely familiar before I see someone come back with a broom to clean the area, I smile at them, thankful before turning back to the manager who’s clearly abusing of his title.

“As for you, you can be sure that I’ll be calling the owner of his restaurant to share how a certain… Daniel is screaming at the employees as well as causing customers to leave, you can be sure they won’t be back, I’m sure that’s a much bigger loss than a simple plate, am I wrong?”.

He quickly shakes his head in silence, head bent down in surrender, he knows he’s already lost the fight and I can only applaud him for keeping quiet.

I motion for him to walk away and after a nod of the head, the employees in the kitchen get back to their task, the sound of chatter starting anew in the dining room, there’s at least that part that’s now solved.

Before going back to join Jin, I bring my attention to the woman who still has her back turned to me and I sigh deeply, she must be shocked.

“What do you two want to do? If you want to get out of here, I can escort you to the door myself, and if you give me your names, I can speak up for you to the owner to make sure you don’t get punished for what took place tonight” I offer them, the man smiles at me as he wraps an arm around the feminine shoulders, a figure that seems only too familiar.

“That’s very nice of you, Investigator Kim, thank you for stepping in on your night out, I’m sorry you had to make use of your job to get us out of trouble” he says and I shake my head to reassure him, it truly did not bother me.

What bothers me is that woman, how alike to Y/N she looks, it’s making my heart go crazy, it can’t be her, can it?

“Your names?” I repeat, not missing how her body tenses up while the man glances at her worryingly.

“Jung Hoseok, and this is… come on bun, this is your chance, isn’t it? You’ll regret it later if you don’t tell him, don’t mess it up, you’ve waited so long”.

The woman sighs softly with a nod of the head and my breath hitches in my throat as it dooms on me, reality coming to crash on me like a strong wind, it curls around me, causes shivers to spread across my skin, from my toes to the tip of my hair, it can’t be.

That sigh… I could recognize that sound from anywhere in the world, and suddenly, the very curve from her shoulders to her neck, the ear I can see peeking out from under the hair, the shape of her hips, her thighs, her posture, everything…

“Y/N? K-kitten, is that you?”.

PREVIOUS|STORY|NEXT

ONCE, FOREVER

NAMJIN X READER
NORMAL LIFE AU

CHAPTER 1 - PROLOGUE (2.8k words)

For more information about this story, find it here

(Five years ago)

I stare at the diagnostic in my hands, fingers shaking as I take in the words written on the paper.

Lung cancer stage 3.

Chance of survival?

23%.

I bring a hand to my mouth as tears start rolling down my cheeks, because of all the things to happen to me, it had to be a terminal illness?

“I know the numbers are scary, but this is a general number, we’ll have to do more advanced scans, but if we can find out exactly where it started, we could do more to control the tumor, and while healing is not guaranteed, we expect for you to have around five more years in front of you if we act fast enough” the doctor explains, as if this is meant to comfort me.

Five years? How the hell am I supposed to tell Jin and Namjoon that I’m expected to die in five years?

I let the paper fall on the desk and start scratching my arm, scars catching under my nails because I always scratch the same spot, a nervous tick, all the drug doesn’t help, I’m a ball of nerves, especially when my two boyfriends are not by my sides.

They always know how to calm me but this time… this is beyond anything they could deal with.

If they were to learn that I have lung cancer and that I am almost certain to die from it, what would they do? I can’t expect anything good out of this, it would break them, they wouldn’t recover from it, never.

“I would recommend scheduling to start the treatment as soon as possible, there’s no time to waste since it’s at an already advanced stage, every days count. Do you have anyone you would like to call over? We can take a moment to look at the procedures together, I can answer any questions you have with them”.

I scratch with more intensity until the scar peels off, I barely register the pain as I shake my head, no, I can’t possibly get them into this, they can’t find out about this.

“No, I’m all alone”.

The doctor purses his lips and nods his head. “Alright, in that case, we do offer a program that would allow you to stay at a center so you can get help in monitoring your health, you did say that you have drug and alcohol addictions, I thank you for your honesty on such a sensitive matter.

It’s going to be very important that you put a stop to them, your survival depends on the decisions you make as well as your will to fight so any help you can get, I would recommend you to get it while it’s available. Places are always limited but I’ve been notified recently that they have one free room, I can reach out to them if you’re interested”.

A center filled with dying people, that does sound good for my moral…

At least, the two loves of my life wouldn’t have to see me whither in front of them, and I really do need all the help I can get, I want to stop this sick life that we’ve been living for so long, it’s… fuck, it’s literally killing me.

“It must be expensive, right?” I ask the doctor who sighs, it’s a sound that lets me know that yes, it’s indeed expensive, but my life is worth more than debts.

“I won’t lie, miss Y/N, yes, it’s not on the cheap side, but everything is covered, food, electricity, you could get health care on site and they do offer entertainments but most importantly, you wouldn’t be alone. Many people would beg to have that chance, fighting cancer alone… not many survive it in such conditions”.

“Do they offer… payment plans? Because I really don’t own a lot of money right now and I won’t be able to earn any during the treatments, right?” I ask hesitantly, fingers scratching so much I can feel my skin splitting open, it stings but it helps me focus on something else for a second, a very needed small second.

“They do, you’re not the only one in such a situation. If you have life insurance, they can cover a part of it, the rest you can pay back once you leave the center, so what do you think? Do I call them for a meeting? They could answer your questions with a lot more of information, I’m sure you could move in today as well”.

I breathe in deeply before nodding my head, it all feels so surreal but… it’s real, isn’t it? It’s like a nightmare, except it’s one I might never wake up from.

The doctor offers me a tight-lipped smile before grabbing the phone and I stare back at the paper stating my incoming doom as I try to think of a way to tell the guys that I’m going to have to leave them.

Will they let me go? What will they say? Will they be too wasted to even process my words? I find myself hoping that they would, yet at the same time I wish they’d have a clear mind so I can hug them properly one last time.

They’re going to hate me for leaving them, aren’t they? They won’t understand why and it’s going to be so sudden to them, but I… I can’t bring them into this mess, I can’t let them know about my health condition, about my cancer.

I can’t let them see me die.

I’ll have to cut every links leading me to them, in one way or another because if I do end up dead, I don’t want them to learn of it by getting the debts thrown their way, I don’t want to ruin their life twice.

If I’m completely alone, the debts are just going to disappear and they can continue on with their life wondering what happened to me after today while being with one another.

They will stay together, right? I hope they do, I don’t want to break them apart by leaving, they loved each other before they loved me after all.

I will hate myself even in the after-life if that beautiful love comes to an end because of me.

This is the worst nightmare of my entire life.

—

I inhale deeply before opening the front door of our shitty apartment and right away, the smoke of cigarettes and burning drug wraps around me, something so familiar, yet today it makes me feel sick, my whole soul screaming at me to get out of here while I still can.

I remove my shoes and enter the living room where I find Namjoon and Jin sat on the couch, the eldest currently watching a movie on the TV while the younger man reads a book, a puff of cigarette taken just as he looks up to glance at me through the glasses resting on the bridge of his nose.

“Oh, hey kitten, you’re back, how was your day?” he says with a smile and I feel myself waver for a brief second before I force myself to stay calm.

Be brave, you can do this, Y/N, you have to.

“It… it was alright. Listen, Joonie, Jinnie… I have something to tell you” I start, words that get their attention as Jin turns off the TV while Namjoon puts his book away, yet they both keep their fingers wrapped around substances that most likely gave me this life threatening illness.

“What is it, love? You look… weird, did something happen at work today?” Jin asks with worried eyes, they both share a concerned look when I make no move to come sit with them, right in the middle as I always do, it makes them understand just how serious this is right now.

They both stand up from the couch, ashtray on the coffee table filled until a line of smoke rises from it before they make their way to me, gentle hands pulling me to the dining table where we always have our important conversations since there’s nothing to distract us in that room.

Feeling their hands on my skin makes me want to cry, because I know that this is going to be my last day getting to see them, my last day being allowed to gaze at them before I completely erase myself from their life, it’s so hard to keep my brave facade on when I just want them to hug me and tell me that it’s going to be alright, but I can’t, I can’t.

Namjoon notices the bandage on my arm and he frowns before sitting down next to me, Jin at the end of the table on my other side to keep me between them, their eyes on my form as I shift every three seconds, they can tell so easily that something’s not right and it makes them uneasy.

“Love, hey, look at me baby” Jin calls for my attention with a hand on my thigh and when I turn my head to stare at him, I tear up instantly, chin wobbling as I become unable to keep it in anymore, it hurts so much to leave them, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to be alone.

“Oh, my poor baby, what happened to you?” he whispers as he stands up to hug me tightly, I can’t keep myself from bursting into tears any longer at his question and Namjoon scoots closer to my back, his warmth keeping me safe as much as he can while they share a look of distress, they don’t understand anything and it scares them.

“Kitten, baby, please talk to us, did something go wrong today?” Namjoon asks softly with a hand rubbing my back up and down to try and soothe my sobbing, but the thing is… I don’t want to stop crying, I want to keep feeling them near for just a little longer, just for a little while longer.

They both keep still as they try to soothe me with gentle cooing, they hate seeing me cry and it breaks their heart, they stay as close as possible, kisses to my hair and temples, words whispering that they love me, that they’re here for me, that it’s going to be fine, something I wished to hear so dearly ever since I got my diagnostic, yet it only causes my crying to get stronger again because this is the fucking hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire fucking life.

I take in a deep breath, one that doesn’t help because I can feel the thick smoke filling my already damaged lungs and it makes my heart squeeze in panic, my possible five years of living already so short, what if being here right now makes those years even shorter?

I wipe my face with my sleeves and the two men push back just enough to give me some space to move, their warmth remaining close as they wait for me to open up about my day, their bodies shaking because they somehow expect the worst.

“I… I can’t do this anymore, guys… this life, I can’t continue living like this. I… I’m leaving, Jin, Namjoon. I need some time away from this, the drug, the cigarettes, the alcohol, I don’t want to spend my whole life living in this kind of building with rats, I’m tired of us smelling like smoke every single day, I need to get out of all this” I murmur, feel the way they tense around me before they both drop down on their chair without a word, shocked.

I decide to continue when they both have yet to say anything, my nerves all over the place, I imagine all the ways this can go wrong and I’m simply not ready to see them get mad at me, heartbroken and crying, it’s the last thing I want, but it’s inevitable.

“I’m going to go live with a friend for a while and… I’ll start making better life decisions, I’ll think about my health for once and I’ll stop all this shit, and us staying together… I know that I won’t be able to go through with this plan if I stay.

I… love you two, so fucking much, you’re all I have, all I want, and I know this is surely breaking your heart and I understand if you hate me because of my decision, fuck, I would hate me too but I really need to do this”.

I hear Namjoon swear into his hands while Jin stares at the table with empty eyes before he covers them with one hand, trails of tears rolling underneath until they meet at his chin, I bite on my tongue and look down, hands into fists to keep me from scratching my painful skin again, they hate when I do that.

“Baby… we… we can do this together, okay? We- we don’t like this either, if you want to stop, we’ll stop, I promise we’ll do everything in our power to stop but please, stay with us? Don’t leave us, we can change together” Jin pleads and I close my eyes, fists clenching until my nails pierce my skin, I can feel my heart breaking so painfully at what I’m going to have to do.

I stand up and step away from them so all they can see is my back, because I don’t want them to see the insufferable pain that covers my face, I don’t want them to convince me to stay because in the end, I’m still going to die.

“Change together? That hasn’t really worked so well until now, has it? Whenever we say we’ll do something, we end up giving up at the first difficulty, if I stay here… I won’t be able to make any progress and it’s… you wouldn’t understand, you can’t understand” I end in a sob before rubbing my chest to calm myself, fire spreading through my whole body, it hurts so much.

“But this is different, kitten, if you’re leaving us because of all thisas you said, then we’ll do anything we can to do better, we’ll fight until the end, okay? Please, baby, my baby kitten, we can do this together” Namjoon tries, his voice so desperate, I can hear him standing right behind me, hands about to reach out to me but I walk to our room before he can touch me and it breaks his fucking heart.

I bite on my tongue to keep myself from wailing as I pack my bag with the bare necessities, I know I won’t be wearing any normal clothes often because of the treatments, and I know that they’re standing in the doorway, I can hear them sob as they watch me pack to leave them and it’s so hard, so hard to leave them.

It’s like splitting my soul in half, I’ll never be whole ever again without them, I know that for a fact.

“Baby… please” Jin pleads once more as I walk between them to exit the room, the two of them on my heels as I rush to the entrance and through the thick smoke that makes me cough, it sounds terrible even to my ears, the way my body wheezes and shakes and it freaks the hell out of them, is this why I’m leaving?

Fuck, they really messed up, didn’t they? They messed up so bad.

I wear my shoes as quickly as I can, bag over one shoulder, so light considering that I’m not coming back, and as I face the door, hand on the doorknob…

I hesitate.

I truly hesitate, because once I walk out of here, it’s over, isn’t it? It’s truly over.

I take in a long and deep trembling breath, then turn around, take a good minute to really engrave them in my mind.

Their eyes, orbs that used to look at me with so much love, now showing off all of their pain as they cry.

Their cheeks, those pretty round cheeks that stretch so beautifully when they smile and laugh, now looking lifeless and sad, tensed and dull.

Their lips, those thick lips that feel so soft against my own, those lips that look the prettiest when they smile, now forever etched into sadness, corners curling down with no more hopes of ever going up as they wobble in pain.

What do I look like in their eyes right now, I wonder? Do I look as terrified as I feel? Do I look like someone who knows what she’s doing or do I look like a lost kitty wandering a world too big for its small body?

Unable to stay a second longer, I only manage to mouth an I love you before I leave them behind, their world one of the living while mine becomes one of the dead.

I love you, they mouth back, but it’s too late.

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