It’s the holidays. Thoughts turn to family, etc. I have to admit, this is an interesting year for me. My parents are both gone, and with the exception of one cousin, I’m pretty estranged from my family. My husband’s family hasn’t always been easy, but we’ve maintained a relationship. Different points of view, different ways of approaching my son’s autism and my daughter’s outspoken nature haven’t made it easy. With my husband’s parents’ advancing age, we’ve been spending more time with his side of the family. Including yesterday’s Thanksgiving. Each time, I saw him spend a full day mentally gearing up for the visit….and hours in exhausted silence decompressing after. It’s worthy of note that his brother and brother in law said not a word to him during the entire meal, not even a hello. And his brother in-law shuttled our niece out so quickly after dinner was done none of us could speak to her. When we got home, both adult kids and my husband went into separate rooms for several hours to decompress. And I found myself wondering if it was all worth it.
As we were sitting at our Thanksgiving dinner, my kids’ conversation turned briefly to Christmas. In hushed and paused conversation, they asked if their “other family” could be included in some of our celebrations this year. We’ve been out to our kids almost since the beginning, and since moving within a mile-ish of each other last year, our kids have gotten close. When we got back last night, I couldn’t wait to see them-my real family. The family that I get to choose everyday. We talked about that last night. My girlfriend asking me how I felt on days like Thanksgiving without my big family. I used to miss it. I did. But knowing that I can have a family of love rather than a family that leaves you exhausted doesn’t make me miss it anymore.
It took me a long time to understand that, just because people share your genetic material, it doesn’t mean you have to spend time with them or even like them. It’s not like you got to choose your biological family. If you weren’t related, would they be people you’d hang out with or talk to? If the answer is NO, then you should have no obligation to do so just because you’re related.
Family can be chosen, and chosen families are often better than those of the biological variety. You see and spend time with them because you want to, not because a holiday (or a guilt trip) obligates you to be with them.
✨The past couple of weekends have been the right kind of softness. Spring is around the corner and my body is unweaving. Grateful for the friendships that usher calmness and love…From small arrangement of flowers by @vivian._.lam , poetry space held by @hija_de_la_diaspora & @influxcollectiv , the most amazing yoga session with my beloved @lifewithbianca_ , the best playlist by @jessxsnow , to garden miracles embodied in the smallest strawberries and tomatoes… there is love here and growth and softness. Sometimes (most times) life holds a sort of sharpness, and sometimes (most times) life holds a sort of magic. Blessed be these magical friends holding each other in the in betweens and aches and tender and softness. ✨✨
ID first slide a hand holding a small arrangement of flowers, 2nd picture of two people posing with #NostalgiaAndBorders book at a poetry reading , 3rd slide @yogawithbianca seated at a park about to lead a yoga session. She wears orange top and pants. 4th slide is a black and white photo of children flying a kite , 5th slide is a text from @jessxsnow that reads “ they are songs for you to listen to when you feel lonely and sad, and also some songs to dance and work to”, 5th slide is a hand holding small strawberries and one small tomate
✨Happiest birthday to the bestie , Trans sibling, and creative life partner @rommyyy123 . Pisces season always brings an ocean of waves and reflections and celebrations. Today and always we celebrate you! The world is a better place with artists like you. Thank you for these past 7 years of friendships and boba tea. Let the return “home” be soft and tender and always glorious. So much love to all the Pisces artists and Queer migrants out there!! ✨✨ #Pisces #TGNC #migrant #artist #chosenfamily (at Chile, América Del Sur) https://www.instagram.com/p/CbQm1mCPOhV/?utm_medium=tumblr
Look at them. I love them. Even when they are dumb. Especially when they are dumb. These five are a few of the main characters of the second half of my personal story Tendaji’s Bastards. All but Trent are, to some level, “afflicted,” victims of an atavistic mutagen. Markos is virtually untouched by mutation, only betrayed by possessing a tapetum lucidum, a condition that is very common among afflicted. #originalcharacters #sketching #doodles #characterart #portrait #chosenfamily #characterdesign #charactersofcolor https://www.instagram.com/p/CCYzK4ble4-/?igshid=zkgy52d1ew7w
What if a munch was a mixer instead? What if you could meet new people, and socialize in a low pressure kink-friendly space? What if you could create some art there, if you wanted to? What if you joined us?
House of Darker (@houseofdarker) is an artistic collective whose endeavors regularly weave together social and creative aims. We are delighted to bring our signature bohemian style to Lot 45 Bushwick, conjuring a fetish-themed setting for the kinky and kink-curious to mix and mingle, hosted by the inimitable Ms Dorothy Darker (@msdarker) with assistance from yours truly, Ms Elsha LaRossa.
Each month will feature a new theme - and offer drawing poses and performances inspired by different power dynamics, kinks, or fetishes. These tableaux are guaranteed to spark conversation with like-minded friends and new acquaintances, and inspire those who wish to draw from life.
Fetish wear is welcome but absolutely not required. Wear your collars and cuffs, but leave your toy bags at home. Tableaux is strictly a mixer and an opportunity for those of all comfort levels to socialize outside of a play environment.
Our first event will be on Tuesday, January 3, 2017 at 7 PM.
For more information, location details, and to RSVP and be notified of any future updates, please see our Facebook event page, here.
We look forward to seeing you there, and creating something beautiful together.
Chosen families do not come to us in perfect packages; their very structure aims to resist the idea of family as something we are given and must accept. Holiday season, as much as any time of year, can be confusing and challenging for folks, especially for those who have been rejected/estranged from their biological families. It’s important for us as queer and trans people to remember that we CAN and DESERVE to create generative, healthy bonds, where we can experience abundant love, joy, safety, and belonging with people who allow us to feel valued and whole in their presence.
How do you find chosen family? This can be done through mutual friends or comrades, community organizing spaces, or shared interests! This can look like asking for help or support, becoming accountability buddies on projects and day-to-day tasks, ordering take out or groceries for each other during the hard days, showing up when you have capacity, and being open to receiving from others when you don’t. The process of finding chosen family is like planting seeds and nurturing a garden. One day, you look up and realize they’ve bloomed, and there are simply too many to count.
