Romance With Toxic Undertones

Toxic and emotionally abusive relationships are hugely overlooked in literature. Many red flags are so romanticised that real people believe these warning signs are actually romantic. Here are a couple of examples and what to try writing instead.

“I can’t live without you!”  

In the 1950 film Sunset Boulevard, we see the crazed Norma Desmond telling the much younger Joe that she couldn’t go on without him, that she’d kill herself if he leaves her. Here it’s clearly portrayed as manipulation, but you’ll see many versions of this line in current media pretending to be a declaration of love. Dependency does not equal love and this hugely manipulative sentiment 

Instead try, “You are the best thing in my life.” This retains the sentiment of valuing a significant other, without the threat of what will happen if their love is unrequited. 

“I will not let you do that. End of discussion.” 

Ohhh we see this one a lot in fantasy. A good portrayal of this being toxic is the song ‘mother knows best’ from Tangled, but most of the time when we hear this it’s between a romantic pairing and it’s portrayed as okay when it’s not. It’s is instant shut down of communication presented as being protective. Communication is key for functioning relationships and decisions that affect both parties should be made together. Also, maybe don’t just tell your partner what to do. Just a thought. 

Instead try, “If this is what you really want, I won’t stop you, but can we talk about this first because It worries me when you put yourself in danger.” Please find a better way to word that, but the idea is to keep the ‘I’m really worried about you’ without all the ‘I know better, you don’t get a say.’

“I can’t stand it when you talk to [enter name]”

No, extreme jealousy is not a healthy part of a relationship. it can lead to the victim cutting themselves off from friends to avoid hurting their partner and this isolation makes them easier for their partner to control. Trust is important in relationships, and if the love interest refuses to trust the MC around other boys/girls then they’re being toxic.

If you want a plotline where character X is trying to steal the MC away from their partner try having them bring it up like, “I think X is trying to flirt with you” “Really? I just thought they were being nice.” “I doubt it, but it’s fine. I trust you.” 

If you found this post helpful I have a couple of older ones on red flags that are frequently romanticised. [1][2] 

Disclaimer: I am not a trained relationships counsellor or therapist, I just have experience with toxic relationships and have done researched into the early signs and toxic behaviours. If any of my suggestions are wrong I am open to being corrected, but this is something I wanted to share.  

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