#disaster werewolf children
Teen Wolf AU: after Chris lets them go, Erica and Boyd immediately hightail it to Stiles’s house because okay, message received, obviously they’re in deeper shit than they can handle and at least he tried to help them, and Stiles is wondering if Gerard hit him in the head harder than he thought because how the fuck did they get in his room and why are they sitting on his bed looking at him like a pair of sad Labrador Weretrievers?
Erica: If we’re in a relationship, your clothes are my clothes too. Don’t ask me why I have your shirt on, this is OUR shirt.
Stiles: When I come to the next pack meeting in your miniskirt, I don’t wanna hear shit.
Malia: Wait, you guys are dating? I thought you were straight.
Stiles: Nah, Derek’s a werewolf, and I’m a bisexual spark. A bi witch. A bitch, if you would.
I wonder how many people assumed the betas were actually Derek’s kids?
Like, they don’t know him, he’s not ~Derek Hale~ he’s just a call-in regular who’s always polite on the phone, a servers fave, but still, there’s some assumptions to be made. Everyone does it, makes guesses about the person who goes with the voice on the phone. The experienced ones can identify a Karen by word one. And it’s fun, something to lighten the mood. So, he’s calling in a takeout order (the delivery guys love him, always tips over 20) and the server writing down the honestly staggering amount of food can hear noise in the background, laughter and yelling, and Derek stops mid-order, his voice taking on the tone of every parent dealing with an unruly kid.
“Hold on a second - Erica, I swear to God if you jump off there one more time, you will survive the fall, you will not survive me, understand? Yeah, that’s what I thought - okay, sorry, where was I?”
And this time he says he’ll come pick it up himself, and everyone is expecting a Mark Sloane-type dilf with at least two small kids, based on the background noise alone, and then he shows up, he’s just like….a college dude. He’s got three teenagers with him. He calls the blonde babe Erica. He tells them they better help carry the bags or they won’t get any of the lemon bars Stiles is making (what the hell is a Stiles?) and they listen. He leaves a thirty dollar tip.
Scott: Hold up, let me get this straight. You guys have been together since high school?
Stiles, sitting in Derek’s lap: There’s literally nothing straight about it, but yeah.
Peter: If I’m ever shot, what do you do?
Stiles:Reload.
Isaac, over the PA: Will the owner of the blue Jeep please come to the front?
Stiles: Are my lights on?
Isaac: Nah, I just wanted to see what you look like, man, your car’s ugly as FUCK.
Stiles, climbing over the counter:MOTHERFU-
Scott, concerned: Why is there blood on your sleeve?
Void Stiles, holding a knife: I may have…aggressively poked someone.
Scott: You stabbed someone?!
Void Stiles: No, no. Aggressively poked.
Scott: Allison has a good heart.
Stiles, McFucking Done: Yeah, I’ve noticed you staring at her “good heart.”
Teen Wolf headcanon: werewolves are Not Morning People. Natural wolves’ sleep habits vary depending on time of year, but for the most part, they’re nocturnal. In summer, they might not start moving around until late evening/early night.
For bitten wolves, it’s not as bad. If they were morning people before, odds are they’re still morning people now. Even so, between the hours of 11 and 3, good fucking luck trying to get them to do any kind of strenuous activity. Wolf Brain says Too Hot.
Born wolves, however, is a whole nother ballgame. You wanna wake them up before noon? Best be ready to dodge some claws because they WILL take a swipe at whoever dares. Can’t even try the old ‘yoink the blankets’ trick because werewolf strength. And of course, you should never send one born wolf to wake up another, odds are they’ll just climb into bed with them and go back to sleep with bonus cuddles.
Derek is this weird kind of hybrid. Odds are, he will be awake on a given morning, but do not try and engage with him in any way, shape, or form before 10, or at least until he’s had minimum three cups of lycanthrope-strength coffee. And don’t ask him to wake up anyone else because no, he will not use his Alpha authority to get their asses out of bed, he will go “oh, den comfy,” and crawl into bed and go right back to sleep, and good fucking luck trying to get BOTH of them up. It does not matter whose bed it is, or who is in it. A warm bed is a warm bed, and snuggles are snuggles. This has happened with Peter.
Of course, not everyone tries to fight. Stiles, Allison, Lydia, as the pack’s mostly human members, are generally relegated breakfast tasks because they’re the only ones with enough functioning braincells, but sometimes they want to sleep in, too, and werewolves are cuddle-oriented. They don’t give up their snuggle-buddies easily. All they gotta do is cuddle up with their werewolf SO and mumble, “I’m cold, baby, hold me,” or anything to that effect, and BAM, they got a surefire wakeup call deflector.
Stiles is the worst about taking advantage of this. In fact, the little shit has specifically set things up so he can sleep in. He waits until Derek gets his first cup of coffee in before off-handedly suggesting, “Hey, wanna go wake up Erica?” because her room is closest to the kitchen, obviously. And off Derek shuffles, still too asleep to question it. Stiles waits ten minutes to be certain, then goes into Erica’s room, and yup, they’re both deadass asleep. He goes to the end of the bed and crawls up between them, and they move to let him in because yes, two snuggle-buddies is better than one, and voila, Stiles has now guaranteed himself another three hours of sleep because no one is suicidal enough to try waking up Derek and Erica at the same time. They’re not wakeup call deflectors, they’re a goddamn SHIELD WALL.
Allison, Lydia, the morning betas: Alright, everyone up, let’s go! Evil waits for no were! Good werewolves don’t sleep in, let’s move it.
Stiles, snuggled between Derek and Erica: Game, set, fucking match,bitches.
Isaac: Scott doesn’t want to be in the pack. You shouldn’t force it.
Derek: I’m not forcing. I’m aggressively facilitating.
Derek: *shows up at the clinic with the pack*
Deaton: How many children are you friends with?
