When I founded the FC that would become The Dusk Wolves many, many years ago, I had a pretty simple goal in mind:
I wanted to have a place I could feel safe while playing the game. Now, what this means for everyone is different, and I can only really speak for myself here, so that is what I’m doing.
I was tired of joining FCs/guilds in MMOs and thinking it was a great place, only to see people tossing hateful slurs around, or making jokes about mental health conditions, and so forth. It just became….well, exhausting.
I myself am disabled: I have fibromyalgia, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. These things are difficult for me to deal with on some days (and some are much worse than others), and the game was always meant to be a relaxing space for me to come and hang out at after a long day of work. Coming home and excitedly logging into the game, only to see someone in a guild or chat popping off jokes about people with the very issues I struggle with made me just want to withdraw entirely.
Gamer culture has always been unfortunately rather toxic, and I just want one little place where that is not the case. I just a little place I can be free of the things I deal with the rest of the day. If other people want to join me, then I invite them to.
So I finally “graduated” from all of my pediatric doctors a few years ago, and now they’re telling me I may have a condition where testing/treatment can only be done….at the children’s hospital. I’m literally old enough to be the parent of most of the patients. I’m just imagining being 50 years old and sitting in a waiting room with highlights magazine and peppa pig.
hi !! long time no see, huh ? i checked when i last was active at all here, and it was over six months ago, now ! that’s insane to me. what’s even more insane is that people are still sending asks, and following, and commenting and reblogging, despite my overwhelming inactivity. i hope you all had a wonderful holiday season & that the new year is treating you kindly.
i’ve been planning on making a post here for a while, but i wanted to think it over, first. for a start, i don’t even use tumblr anymore. i open the app about once a week, and even that’s accidentally. i don’t really have time anymore, in all honestly. i used to love running this blog, and my main. but i’m focused on school, and university applications, and hobbies, and my loved ones, and my own recovery, now.
this blog is coming up four years old now. that’s crazy to me. i was fourteen when i made this !!!! i just turned eighteen last month. fourteen year old evan / thor never thought she’d make it to fifteen, let alone eighteen. when things started to really get bad for me, around age thirteen, i told myself i would be dead before eighteen. that i’d never let myself suffer that long. that there was no point, because i’d never amount to anything. i was self-harming every day. i was in a bad relationship. i didn’t have a single friend. i hated myself.
things are .. different now, to say the least. for a start, i did make it to eighteen ! i’m 133 days clean from self-harm, which is something i never thought i’d be able to say. i’m in a loving relationship with a wonderful person. i have a close-knit group of friends who love me. i have hobbies i enjoy, a cat i adore, i’m top of my class again, and i just sent off my university applications. yeah .. very different.
it’s been .. rough. 13yr old evan was right about the suffering part, at least. i went through hell, and i’m still there a lot of the time. but at least i know now that there is a light on the other side, and that there is a way back to it. that things aren’t hopeless, or empty, or meaningless. the biggest revelation i’ve had is that .. small joy is just as important as big joy. maybe i’ll never travel the world, or change it, or become some lawyer or brain surgeon. i don’t necessarily need that big joy. small joys of reading new books and baking cookies and going on walks are enough. they always will be enough. it’s okay if your light in the darkness isn’t some great shining beacon of hope. often, it’s tiny pinpricks of light that make it easier. sometimes the thought of fresh coffee and petting your cat is enough to get you through. this mentality has saved me in more ways than i can express.
i decided to post today, because is stumbled across the kind of journal / diary / life record i kept at age thirteen to fourteen. i recorded my suicide attempts in here, too. today was one of them. today, four years ago, i tried to end my life. and i can’t quite fathom the amount of things i’d have missed out on, if i’d succeeded. i’d never have fallen in love. i’d never have met my best friends. i’d never have adopted my cat, and she’d have probably died on the street. i’d never have discovered any of my favourite tv shows or books or video games. i’d never have found my favourite places to walk. i’d never have had my first kiss. i’d never have gotten a taste of happiness and recovery. i’d never have realised that i’m actually kind of a cool person who deserves good things. and now, every time those suicidal thoughts start to creep back in, i think about what i’d miss four years from now if i killed myself. graduating university? loving myself? new friends, new books, new shows? all the places i’ve never seen and would never see?
cavetown has been my favourite artist for also four years, next month, and i was exceedingly lucky to see him live in november 2018, just before my fifteenth birthday. then, i cried because he played the song i listened when i self-harmed, when i wrote a suicide note, when i walked around my town looking for way to end my life. i had the pleasure of seeing him live again, november of 2021, just before my eighteenth birthday. this time, when he played that song, i cried for the part of myself who knew only pain and suffering and thought that those things were the only way to deal with that. i cried because .. i want to live more than i used to want to die. i tried to end my life more times than i have fingers on one hand, and for me to be able to say that last sentence is honestly kind of remarkable and mindblowing. i know some of you wonderful people have been following me and my posts the whole time, and i know you’ll know what that means to me, too.
i know that there will always be rough times. that i will never not be mentally ill, or neurodivergent. that money will always be scarce for myself and my family for a long time. that i’ll always struggle in some way. but i also know that there is more than that pain and suffering, and that they’ll eventually become smaller and less meaningful with time. realising that is the best gift i will ever give to myself.
this post is far, far longer than i thought it’d be. but i hope that anyone out there who’s struggling finds themself at all in these words, and know that it will always improve. that there are so many small joys in your life for you to find, and so many people waiting to meet you. you’re a light in this world.
endogenic systems/supporters can follow me and use my emojis but i am anti-endo so it’s up to you if you want to. i will not engage in syscourse on this blog regardless, i’m just putting that out there for peoples personal comfort
••••
i used to do requests but since they overwhelmed me and made this blog less fun, i no longer do them. i’m considering opening up commissions if enough people show interest but as of right now i’m just doing my own thing
I’m perfectly happy to assist people with boosting their donation posts when asked, but when that’s the only type of ask I get, it wears on me. It makes me feel like people only see me as their personal reblog machine, like everyone only wants to talk to me when I can be useful to them. So this is a(n extremely) temporary measure. I’m still okay with being tagged in donation posts, though, so I’m not freezing people out completely!
You know, ever since I made this post people have completely ignored me. I still get asks about boosting donation posts sometimes, as if I said nothing, or that no one cares what I said. It sucks that no one gives a shit about what I want and just continue to treat me like their personal reblog monkey or soundboard; it’s like no one sees me as a person. I have had to explain this over and over again and I’m sick of my clear and kindly communicated boundaries being disrespected over and over and over agai. Now I’m just blocking people, no questions asks, if you try this shit with me.
also my sister’s job, which she’s been at for like…15 years or some shit, told her making associate, even though she’s licensed and has been project managing like a motherfucker working 10, 12 hours days this entire pandemic, “is not based on merit.” i was like …. a title change with a raise “is not based on merit”…………..what the fuck is it based on. what it is is it’s not based on any of the traditional things black women use to communicate that they are competent talented deserving (accreditation, objective reality, etc). it’s based on white men being like “oh like you, another white man” and voting to make him an associate. like her job literally is not built for her existence. this is what all these fucks saying “diversify” don’t understand. we’re entering hostile environments, not being welcomed by places that all of a sudden want us working there. anyway.
hey ! just a reminder this is an AESTHETIC SIDEBLOG only and to please not send any rp memes here ! this blog is just for me to dump my meme posts and ooc content, there’s no actual roleplaying on here ! thank you ! ♥︎
It’s months late for an update but I really wanted to thank everyone over here who helped me get my top surgery. It was the most stressful thing I have done since moving countries (the procedure, hospital stay and recovery all went pretty smoothly - I’m talking juggling work, required pre-surgery self-isolation and travelling without family or close friends nearby) plus the happiness I got from it was more of a ‘fucking finally’ feel of immense relief rather than an ecstatic kind, if that makes sense. But now I’m fully healed and my body took a shape I felt it should have always had, and it’s summer, and i can really feel that happiness.
I still have a bigger list on my drafts to keep track of the fics and smaus I’m reading, but I’ll share the ones that are being actively updated (kinda)
hiya! i’m making a new pinned post!! I’m not sure about my name yet >< i’m cycling through tons, trying to find one to fit. right now, I’m going by bee! and I use they/them pronouns! :] this is my cglre/agere/agedre blog! before you interact or follow me, make sure to read thedni on my carrd!there’s also info on there about me, the types of content you can find on this blog, and info about requests!
requestsclosed! (i’m trying to catch up on old ones) ongoing requests number: 10! find more informationhereon my carrd!
I have some advice asks still sitting in my inbox! Just wanted to let the senders know they are not being ignored! I am still with family and they’re keeping me busy + it’s hard to get in the headspace for kink advice!
Thanks for feeling comfortable with me to ask those questions! And thanks for being patient with me! I am excited to get to them!
send “ look at me. “ for my muse’s reaction to yours grabbing mine by the chin and forcing mine to look at them during a tense / highly emotional moment.
I was watching an old child abuse trial (the Turpins if anyone is interested, be warned it’s pretty horrific) and they talked about how the parents demonized CPS to keep the kids from calling them. And it reminded me that the first time I called my dad an abuser he got scared and told me that if I told anyone I was being abused (in his words, “lied about being abused”) my mom (who works in foster care) would lose her job. 1) I’m pretty sure you don’t lose your job if your husband abuses you, that seems fucked up, and 2) you don’t lose your job because your husband gets falselyaccused of abuse. He knew damn well he was abusing us and he knew damn well wasn’t the uncaring monster he said I was, I love my mom and I love how happy her job makes her and I wouldn’t do anything to undermine her. And fuck I just hate that I fell for it.
Little miss Tallulah Raelyn Dimple was born. Weighing 9lbs 1oz. 20.5 inches long.
We’re 11 days old now. We’re EBF and doing so, so great at it which might not be much to some but she’s my first boobie gal that I’ve made it this far with. Her big sisters fight over her daily on who gets to hold her and it’s possibly the cutest thing yet.
I completely got caught up with babies, married life and just everything else in this crazy world, that I totally forgot to update y’all up on what baby #6 was. Welllll, we had ANOTHER GAL! I’m a mama to SIX girls, yep, you heard me right— SIX! Everyone meet miss Archie (Names do not have gender, so hush ya it BUT yes, she is however named after her great grandpa because clearly home girl here can’t have boys lol). But here’s a few pictures of my youngest four bebes.
