It’s been a while…..With my baby boy’s birthday being just around the corner the sappy me thinks back to the day that he was born. March 10, 2014 will forever hold a special place in my heart. On that day I became a mama and I met the most beautiful baby boy. We named him after my husband (John) but decided that he would live his life as “Johnny”. Being a Johnny Cash and a Dirty Dancing fan I was sold. For anyone that did not get the dirty dancing reference, Patrick Swayze’s charecters name was Johnny. If you have not seen this movie, put your phone down and watch it now! You will not be disappointed! On the day that i had my son, my heart learned a new kind of love. The kind of love that is unconditional, pure and consuming. It’s amazing how becoming a mom trumps just about anything I have ever done. I complain about motherhood as much if not more than the next mom. I work full time, I am always tired and I go days with out washing my hair (today is day 6) I lied it’s actually 7. I should be a spokesperson for dry shampoo! In just a few short weeks my 1st born will be 6 years old. It flew by so fast, too fast. He’s smart, opinionated, strong, stubborn, energetic, kind, thoughtful, funny and most of all the biggest pain in my ass. I am so proud of him and I hope that he goes through life and never questions my love for him. Happy almost birthday Johnny!

My life lessons

With my 32nd birthday being just around the corner, here are 32 things that I learned so far.

1. Travel as much as you can.

2. It is ok to marry your high school sweetheart.

3. Apologize only when you mean it.

4. Spend time with your family.

5. Kids really do grow up way too fast.

6. Always say I love you before you hang up the phone.

7. It is ok not to know what you want to be when you grow up.

8. Collect memories not things.

9. Dry shampoo is a miracle worker.

10. It is ok to like cancelled plans.

11. Always start your day with a coffee.

12. Painted toes say a lot about a woman, so do chipped nails (lesson from my father in law)

13. Take a mental health day when you need it.

14. It’s okay to cry for no reason.

15. Always wear comfortable shoes.

16. Moms should encourage each other instead of judging, we are all just trying to survive motherhood.

17. Leggings should not be considered pants.

18. Learn how to cook even if it’s boxed mac and cheese.

19. You don’t have to win every argument, agree to disagree.

20. Laughter really is the best medicine.

21. Toddlers are like stalkers that live with you.

22. Be on time.

23. True friends become family.

24. Don’t stress out about the little things.

25. Some people are just assholes.

26. Try something new.

27. Believe in miracles.

28. Your mom was right about so many things.

29. You can become whatever you want to be.

30. Don’t believe everything you see on social media.

31. Stand up for yourself and things you believe in.

32. The best is yet to come.

Everyone keeps telling you how much you’ll love school. That is very true. Everyone keeps injecting you with mini boosts of confidence. But as I listen to each well-intentioned person try to drive out any fear, it’s occurred to me you might also need to hear this: It’s okay if you’re scared. Because here’s the honest truth- Mama is scared too. Of what, you’re wondering? I’m scared of being apart from us for 8 hours every day. I’m scared of you spending too many of those hours in a chair, and too few running wild and free. I’m scared of the new words you’ll hear, the new behaviors you’ll see. I’m scared of the boxes you might get put in, the labels you might be given, the pegs you’ll be expected to fit into. I’m scared you’ll change. I’m scared you’ll lose your innocence, your sweetness. I’m scared people will try to harden your edges, toughen you up. And I’m just going to say it: I’m scared to give up control. To lose any influence your dad and I might have had on you up to this point. My dear son, Mama is scared to let you go. Clearly fear is present in my heart, and it’s normal if it’s hanging out in yours too. But here’s the good news: Fear is not the only story. Right next to that clenched ball of panic in my gut is something far more powerful: Hope. Hope for the opportunities your school will give you, ones that our little family alone cannot. Hope for the wider diversity of kids you will get to meet—and befriend. Hope for the chances you’ll have to show kindness to those who need it most. Hope for the chances you’ll have to receive kindness in the moments you need it most. Hope for the new and exciting ways your brain will be challenged. Hope for the new and exciting ways your heart will be too. Right now we’re sitting in the blurry place. We can kind of see what lies ahead, but the path forward is still fuzzy. There is so much we don’t know about the coming weeks, months, and years. But there is one thing we do know, without a doubt: You are ready. You will have to do hard things—but you will quickly see that you CAN. No doubt some days you will come home beaming, so proud of what you did that day. Others you will come home crying and collapsed. Some days you will feel on top of the world. Others you will feel utterly drained and depleted. You are ready for all of it. We’ve raised you to be kind, creative and empathetic—but our intention was never for you to be all of those things in a bubble. It’s time for you to take your kindness, creativity and empathy into the bigger world. And yes, you will change. I know that. But deep down I’m happy about it. I don’t want you to remain the same—static and stuck. So as you head to kindergarten, my precious boy, I have to let you go…a little bit. But I’m also going to stay right here: walking beside you, crying with you, cheering for you. Loving you as fiercely as ever. Facing my fears so I can be here with you as you face yours. Yes, Mommy is scared. I’m scared to watch you jump because I know sometimes you’ll fall. But without the fall, you cannot rise. Without the jump, you cannot soar. It’s time to see just how high you can fly. Johnny boy- you were destined for greatness. 

C-section

Since April is a C-section awareness month I thought I would share my experience. My son was born “naturally” after the world’s best pregnancy. My pregnancy with my daughter 3 years later was anything but easy. I was sick for most of it and at my 38 week appointment I got news that she was breech. Lack of breath that I thought was from her butt being in my rib cage was actually her head. I was scheduled for a version procedure the next day. I showed up and did another ultrasound and my little flipper was in the right spot! A few days later however she was breech again. I was admitted into the hospital and had 3 versions, yes 3. After the last one they actually tied bed sheets around my belly to keep her in place. I was induced, they broke my water. Labor lasted for 2 days but felt like weeks. 3 epidurals, 2 days of contractions, I was so weak and only at 9.5 centimeters. I was told that I had to wait until I was at 10 to push. Hours went by and my body was done. I was told that my daughter’s head was stuck and I would need an emergency C-section. They rolled me away and handed scrubs to my husband. I have never had surgery before, I’m not good with pain. I had chills to the point that my hands were shaking. I cried the whole time. When they allowed my husband to be by my side I made him promise to tell our son that mama loves him in case something happens. Yes I know a bit dramatic but in that moment I really thought that I might die. I didn’t see my baby first but I heard her cry. They weight her, measured her height and only then wrapped her up and handed her to my husband. He held her by my head and I finally met the little lady that’s been renting out my belly for the past 9 months. She was beautiful, our little Eleanor. My husband held her for the rest of my surgery. They rolled me into the recovery room and I was in and out for most of the night. I was in so much pain. When I would ask about the baby I was told that she’s in the nursery so that I can rest. The next day I finally held my child. I thought that if I tried to stand up my insides would just fall out of my stomach. I know how crazy that sounds but I really thought that the scar would rip. I never understood how important skin to skin was with a baby until that day. I didn’t get to have that with her and even though she was mine I didn’t feel connected. I had to have my husband be the one to pick her up and hand her to me, I felt so helpless. What kind of mother can’t pick up her own baby? She would cry and my husband would whisper sweet nothings in her ear and she would stop. To this day I know she feels safe with him, she knows his hands were the first real touch that she had, she knows his smell and voice. I already had a child and I loved him so much I wondered if my heart could love her too. I was worried that maybe my son would feel like he’s missing out with the new baby getting all the attention. He surprised me and embraced the role of big brother since day one. I learned that time really does heal all things and the scar that I thought would split open is still intact. The baby that I didn’t feel connected to is almost 2 and is the most amazing little girl. She can light up any room and her laugh is contagious. My heart made room for her and I can honestly say I love both my kids the same. People that think having a C-section is the easy way out probably never had one, so please keep your opinions to yourself. And to all the moms that have the scar- you are superstars! It doesn’t matter how you became a mother, natural birth or C-section what matters is how you raise your kids.

Recently I came across an instagram account of a mother who is going through the worst possible thing that could happen. She just lost her beautiful little girl. Being a mother myself and recently going through the pain of having sick child and feeling helpless her story hit home. My daughter has recovered from her surgery and I thank god everyday for my 2 healthy kids. I know I take a lot of things for granted and rarely stop, look around and appreciate what I do have. I complain about things that don’t matter and get upset about small things that mean nothing in the end. Seeing the pain that poor mother is going through makes me hold my babies longer and tighter. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child and I hope I never do but watching her journey has opened my eyes to be more in the moment. Kids are only going to be little once and I need to be more involved. I use the fact that I am a working mom so much as an excuse to not build legos when I come home or play or board game. “I’m tired" "I’ve had a long day" are my responses when I get asked to play a game. This is the time that I need to cherish because before I know it they won’t want to play with mom. I am making a promise to myself to be more involved, to even when I’m tired from working all week or stressed out I’m going to put my kids first. I want them to grow up and know that they are the most special people in my life. To the mom who just lost her baby- I have no words, I am just so sorry. 

I was wrong before…

Motherhood………… when I started this blog I had a list of all the hard things about motherhood. Like lack of sleep, privacy, freedom, alone time but i was wrong. The hard list consists of just one thing, a sick baby. I learned that the hard way. My happy little girl had a lump on the side of her neck. We took her to the ER and after lots of tests, procedures and IV’s were told that she has an infection in her lymph node and would need surgery. I held her while she fell asleep in my arms and then prayed the whole time she was in surgery. The doctors assured us that surgery went well. It was the longest hour of my life. That is the hardest thing about motherhood, I had it all wrong before. I complained about not being able to pee without someone starring at me or have a meal without an interruption. I thought that my C-section was the worst pain I have ever felt but it doesn’t even come close to the pain that I had when she was in surgery. 4 nights with no sleep, no shower, 27 cups of coffee, same clothes they let us take her home. The anxiety that I have been dealing with is hard to describe. Last night I had a panic attack and had to leave the house for a little bit. Being a mother of course I went to Target. Walked the isles, looked at stuff that I can’t afford or need, got my 28th coffee and went home. My daughter is 1 and she knew that mama was upset so she put her little hands over my cheeks and gently kissed my nose, If only I could freeze time.

in Jesus name

It sickens me to think that we live in a world where someone walked into a school with a loaded gun and killed 19 children and 2 teachers. I can’t even imagine the pain and sadness that community is going through. The is no longer a safe place for those kids. If kids have stuff going on at home, going to school used to be a safe place. Yesterday changed that. That shooter not only took the lives of those 21 people but also took the comfort of know your child is ok in school from the whole country. No parent should worry that when they kiss their kid that morning it might be the last time. When will this violence stop? People are living in fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of shopping at target and having your child be kidnapped, sending them to school and worrying about shootings. Not ok, do better America. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. For the media to make all this about gun laws is not only disrespectful to the families who lost loved ones but also takes away what happened. Politicians have their own agenda and use terrible events of what happened to speak “their truth”. There’s 19 kids that won’t get to grow up, go to college, get married, start their own family. There’s 2 families of the teachers whose kids will have to grow up without a mother. Those are the victims in all of this. No one has stopped and asked why did this happen? It’s not the gun, it’s not the lack of mental health help that we have, it’s the shit show that we live in. People are going insane, no one is on the same page and instead of having a conversation and try to see it from a different view people blow up. Political views are ripping families apart. So please let’s take politics out of this. I know that I will be hugging my kids tighter going forward. I woke up this morning and thought of the poor parents waking up to a quiet house this morning because their child is no longer there. We all need to come together and do better.

5/25/2022

to MOMS

At the end of each day ask your child what was their favorite part. Trust me the answers will not only shock you but will put your whole life in perspective. What seems irrelevant to us might be the most special thing for your child that day. We tend to run on autopilot between jobs, sports, homework, laundry, meals. Life is hectic, stressful and complicated which is why asking your child what was their favorite part of that day is so special. I ask my kids and you know what they usually say? Some of our usual answers are being outside, drawing a picture, making a paper airplane, watching wheel of fortune, cooking, soccer- all very simple answers. Again, it’s amazing to see how something as little as making a paper airplane was what they took away as the best memory of that day. Being a parents is one of the hardest jobs no one can train you for. There is no book, cheat sheet, no orientation although I wish there was. Everything you do affects them, every step you take they are watching you- especially when you are in the bathroom. Nothing like having your 5 year old daughter announce to the whole baseball field that her mom has a tattoo on the butt cheek (true story unfortunately). So please carve out 3 min out of your crazy day each day and simply ask “ what was your favorite part of today?” and prepare to be amazed. Always remember you are doing what you can, they are little once. You got this mama!

be kind

I want to live in the world where I don’t have to explain to my kids what war is and why I have tears rolling down my face as I watch what is happening in Ukraine. People no longer talk about Covid, vaccines or masks it’s all about Putin and what he’s doing. I want to be able to watch the news and be inspired to be better, I want to be proud instead of being ashamed when I speak Russian to my parents in public. I want people of Ukraine to be free and I wish we could take back everything that happened this past week. I honestly don’t know when it will end or how far Putin will go, I’m not even sure that he knows. Will he stop invading Ukraine or if he takes control of it will he move on to other countries like Latvia which is where I am from? I worry about my kids growing up and seeing this, I pray for the families that lost loved ones and the ones that are currently fighting to protect their land. I hate feeling helpless. I also feel guilty that I am safe and I am surrounded by my family while others are being torn apart. My heart has been heavy and my mind is exhausted trying to make sense of this. I am terrified about what is next and the fact that I may never see my grandmother again that lives in Russia kills me. 3/2/22

PSA to parents

On the way to drop my son off at school we stopped to grab him a water at a convenience store. While at the store a woman walked up, grabbed my arm and said how gorgeous my son is. I thanked her, she started asking me how old he was I said he’s almost 8. At that point she turned to my son and asked him if he goes to school to which he said “yeah, I’m late now because we had to stop and get a drink”. She immediately asks “where do you go to school?”. That’s when I felt something being off. I ignored her question, told her that we are in a hurry and to have a good day. My son and I walked out of the store and she was watching us from her car. I purposely walked very slow to see if she was going to pull out and leave the parking lot but she only made a loop and parked back in the same spot. We got in our car, locked the doors and started to pull out and sure enough she’s right behind us. I took a quick left onto the main street knowing that she won’t have time to take a left to get right behind my car. Thank god for the 3 cars between us. I was starting to panic since I had to drop my son off at school which was less than a mile away but I did not want her to know what school he went to. I turned fast on to a small street hoping that she missed me. My heart was beating out of my chest. Call me crazy, call me paranoid but I trust my gut. My gut said something was off. Probably doesn’t help that I’ve seen so many tik toks lately about kids being abducted at stores. Bottom line is trust your intuition, it’s better to be wrong than sorry. I hate that we live in a world like this, I hate that if you are just being nice you might be judged for being a creep. I hate that I had to explain to my son that there are people out there that take kids away from their families. It’s so sad that at even at his young age he picked up on the weird feeling from the lady. I hope and pray that I am wrong, I hope that any other mother would do the same in this situation. Be aware, be on alert, protect your babies, they are the future. 3/2/22

1/10/22

What would you tell your younger self if you were able to go back in time and give advice knowing what you know now? 

I would say focus more on education and go to school for something you are truly passionate about instead of drowning yourself in debt and not knowing. Credit score is as important as your reputation and I wish high schools would explain that more to kids instead of us solving math problems that we will never use in real life. Travel as much as you can, learning different cultures opens your mind to new possibilities. Follow not only your heart but also your gut. All the tears shed, breakups and drama with the high school boyfriend will be worth it because he ends up being your husband. He loves you even when you make it hard, he is hard on you but it’s only to make you better. He’s kind when you need him and knows exactly how to make you feel special. You have 2 kids, 2 amazing humans that you created with the love of your life. They challenge you everyday, make you tired but most of all fulfill your life in ways you didn’t know was possible. Your parents are going though a lot health wise, they are keeping their chins up and your relationship with your mother is still a work in progress. You raise your kids believing that they can do anything they set their mind to. You want them to have a better life than you. You work hard at being a good mother, everyday. You let yourself go in a lot of ways, gained weight the way you dress but you are working on that right now. You carry a lot of guilt that at the age of 34 you don’t own a home. You know it will happen but it’s always on your mind. You allow the negative thoughts to control your life but you are dealing with it. You need to take breaks for your wellbeing, 1 hour at the thrift shop or getting a coffee and reading a book. You are never alone but you feel alone and that gets tough. You have so much good in your life. Beautiful kids, a husband that loves you who is also great dad, you are starting your little business. You need to push the dark feelings away, you can’t let the demons win. You are stronger than you think, you are kind, you stand by what you believe in. You are compassionate and thoughtful. You take pride in your work and your creativity is endless. There’s so much good in your life, you are so incredibly lucky. Turns out people that say that life is short are 100% right. But what they don’t tell you is as the time passes you mostly only remember the good times and moments so focus on that. Be in the moment, enjoy it and most importantly smile.

1/6/22

Some people come into your life and you just know that no matter what happens and no matter how much time has passed you can call them and pick up right where you left off. I have a friend like that, let’s call her Anne. Anne and I became friends about 15 years ago, when we worked together. We connected on our love of food, art and trying new restaurants. She introduced me to Pho and the rest was history. I can’t even tell you how many hours were spent over noodles. We would force each other to read books that we would then discuss and take day trips to places we haven’t been. She went through a hard break up, changed jobs and I was there. I got married and she stood by me, when I gave birth to my son she held him at the hospital and we named her godmother. She would spend Christmas Eve with us and was part of our family. Then she re-connected with an old friend that ended up becoming her boyfriend and the next thing I know my best friend was leaving to go live in Portland, Oregon. If you don’t know, that’s 3,086 miles from Boston, I googled it. She sold her house, packed her whole life into a huge moving box, got in her car along with her cat and followed her heart. It’s been about 6 years since she left, I miss her terribly. Sometimes I drive by her old house just to be nosy to see if the new owners changed anything. Frequent phone calls turned to once in a while. We used to send packages and this past Christmas I sent a card and haven’t heard back. Our lives got in the way, I had my daugher since she’s been gone, she made a new life for herself which is so amazing. I hope she’s happy, but I miss my friend. She would listen to me without judgement, I did the same. I am making a promise that when Covid is behind us I will visit, Anne do you hear me, are you there Anne, Anne? I will visit. I want you to show me the best coffee shops, best stores to get a graphic tee and can’t forget about Pho. Miss you so much friend.

Wellllll, baby #6 is in the works! 5 girls, so let’s PRAY we get a boy to help us out with all these girls, if not SEND WINE! Lol