Do you ever have a feeling that you‘re doing something wrong? That there could be more in your life? That you chose the wrong path? That things were meant to be different? That you should do something much different from what you are doing now? That you should be a different person? A better one?
I spend a lot of time trying to engineer uncertainty. I want to create surprise, wonder, amazement, awe. Have you reeling on the bed, giggling, laughing, crying, not really sure what to think but knowing that it’s all good, that you can just drift in this pleasant unexpected, throw yourself to my whim and come what may.
But for all my pomp and circumstance, there’s a moment when I’m completely superseded, when all my planning and cultivating exits stage right, and we’re left with just the physical uncertainty, the barely whispered question of whether we’re going to continue, or whether we’re going to wind down, let out that breath we’ve been holding for god knows how long, and relax.
It’s at its best when you’re on your second, or maybe third. When your body has been pushed to the edge a few times, tumbled off it just the once, and that breathlessness is no longer affected. Each lungful is snatched out of the air, and fingernails dig into skin with an involuntary fierceness. It’s panic, in that moment, the pleasure too much, but still so fucking good, and you’re not sure if you can take another. But you want it.
So you lie there, panting, brow furrowed and eyes staring up, pleading, asking that question. More? Just a tiny, little bit more?
If you wanna support a clown look up Puddles Pity Party on Youtube. He’s a clown worth supporting. He’s a sad clown with a beautiful voice, does great covers of songs, and the nicest clown in existence.
This is his description from his channel “Hello and thanks for being here. I like posting videos of music and sad and funny things. The world is a sad and beautiful place and it’s OK to feel sad sometimes. Keep weepin’ and keep the party going. It feels good. Let me know how you feel. We’re in this together.“
