#ebony darkness dementia raven way
random bitter aspiring authors on “writing advice” blogs: Don’t make your main characters super special mary sues. don’t make them better than other people or more interesting. your main characters should be boring average guys with the personalities of wood pulp
the Epic of Gilgamesh: Gilgamesh was objectively the best man ever. He was the hottest, sexiest, most gorgeous hunk of pure manly awesomeness that ever lived and he used a sword that weighed 120 pounds.
The lesson here is that your main characters can be as special, overpowered, and unrealistically skilled at everything as you want, as long as this has the purpose of driving the plot via all the problems they cause (because they’re an egotistical nightmare and a gigantic raging asshole).
The second lesson here is that no matter what randos on writing blogs say, people like stories where the characters are unique and iconic. Or at least they rememberthem.
(I have a theory that the stories that form long-lasting fandoms, and/or are recognized and referenced frequently in pop culture, are stories that have the same sort of “iconic” elements that are long-lasting in folklore and mythology. I think superheroes are particularly well suited to lasting centuries/millennia into the future because they’re just so simple and memorable conceptually.)
Hi my name is Gilgamesh Hammurabi Ziusudra Euphrates Ishtar and I have the same heroic build as my lordly ancestors (that’s how I got my name) with bulging muscles and chiselled features moulded by the goddess Aruru, and icy blue eyes like the limpid waters of the Great Flood, and a lot of people tell me I look King Enmebaragesi of Kish (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da Kur out of here!). I’m not related to Ishtar but I wish I was because she’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a demi-god but I’m not immortal. I possess extraordinary strength. I’m also a king and I rule a city called Urduk, where I force my subjects to erect lots of ziggurats (I’m known for my cruelty). I’m a Sumerian (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly animal skins. I love the forbidden Cedar Forest and I slay and skin all my beasts from there. For example today I was wearing a skin made from the Bull of Heaven with a matching sheep hide skirt, gold armlets, a carnelian headband, and black combat sandals. I was wearing black kohl eyeliner to ward off conjunctivitis. I was walking outside the twin peaks of Mount Mashu at the end of the earth. I came across a tunnel which no man before me had ever entered, which I was very happy about. Two guards that were giant scorpion monsters stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
This is objectively genius writing but the size of the audience that can properly recognize its brilliance is so small
I’m just glad to be part of it
NOT THAT SMALL
Me: Reading this to my wife and trying to explain the complex mental gymnastics by which I relate to Gilgamesh putting up his middle fingers at the monsters of the gods because I did so last night.
@dovewithscales: So, you get the joke right?
Me: Yeah, it’s written in the same ridiculously terrible fanficy style as Gilgamesh, but like, modernized. It’s hilarious.
@dovewithscales: *who is smarter than me* That’s only half of it. The other half is that it’s written almost word for word like the first paragraph of My Immortal, the worst fanfic ever written.
Me: *reads the first paragraph of My Immortal, rereads the first paragraph of The Epic of Gilgamesh … OMG. I love tumblr and my wife and humans in general. All of them are fucking brilliant and we deserve to be allowed to put our middle fingers up at the gods anytime we want as long as we are being interesting while doing it! Also, as humans we are all fanfic for the gods. I firmly believe this. I just wish I wasn’t such a godsdamned woobie!
LOLOLOLOL
(yes, it’s a My Immortal joke)
“you somehow convinced the entire internet that you are the true author of my immortal when you’re not, i am, and thats cool and everything i dont really like the spotlight but if you get questions about it could you foward them to me so i can tell you how to answer them correctly because im actually pretty attatched to ebony dark'ness dementia raven way now and omg they want you to update, ok i have a bunch of chapters i never published do you want to meet up so i can give you my notebook? oh my God you never said you were hot”
I’m supposed to be doing my Frankenstein homework but I have hit the roadblock of being unable to write the word ‘darkness’ without thinking of
‘Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair‘
help-
Hi my name is Michael Dark’ness Dementia Raven Wheeler and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with bangs and a mullet that reaches my shoulders and dark brown eyes like the desperation of my soul and a lot of people tell me I look like Freddie Mercury (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Eddie Munson but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a nerd but I think I’m pretty cool. I have pale white skin. I’m also a D&D paladin, and I play with an awesome party called the Hellfire Club at Hawkins High where I’m in the ninth grade (I’m fourteen). I’m an emo (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing an oversized yellow shirt and a purple tank top with matching green shorts and white sunglasses, a tie-dye hat, and flip flops. I was walking outside Hawkins High. It was the day of spring break so I was about to leave to see my girlfriend and her brother who I secretly have a crush on, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
(inspired by this art)
Made a new My Immortal animatic if yall wanna check it out
youtu.be/mg9SkeQTeRw
P.S. I can’t what to see finally see Snap And Looping and their masticating shenanigans!
Don’t worry. Enoby is just helping her be a depressed mournful goff. I mean, someone might think she’s a prep otherwise!
I’m going to post this here since I like it!! I’m mostly active on insta though I’m at panini_is_good_cosplay !!
Or if you’re interested in my other life Im also:
@howbadcanthewrongneighborhoodbe
@shitiseeinreallife
@yurionicetexts
@mannquant
@domestic-victuuri
✌✌
Post link
I HAD NEVER HEARD ABOUT MY IMMORTAL? Honestly, it’s a MASTERPIECE OMG HAHAHAHAHA
Plus, screw it Drarry, Dramione, Drastoria, Drapple, Dranyone…
DREBONY IT IS, DREBONY FOREVAH
J.K. should make Ebony cannon PLEASE MAKE DREBONY REAL
AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.
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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.
I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).
“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice.
“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.
“You come in cold, you’re covered in blood They’re all so happy you’ve arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).
“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.
Suddenly Draco looked sad.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.
“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.
“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.
“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.
The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!
Chapter 4.
AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!
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“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”
Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.
“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.
“Ebony?” he asked.
“What?” I snapped.
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.
And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!
Happy Easter to all of my Chocoholic fans. Enjoy your day with your family and friends and cum see your favorite stripper later.
