Idea for this one came from this prompt. Definitely an AU, wherein Susan and Diane met earlier than in canon.
Diane’s date shrank away a little. “Oh, come on. It sounds like a better idea than puking our guts out all day, doesn’t it?”
“First off - if all it takes to get you to throw up for eight hours straight is riding one thrill ride… ew. Second, I’m not going to neckon Pirates of Lake Michigan.”
“Why not? It’s dark, there’s plenty of room between the boats…” He tried to sidle up to her again. Diane stepped back.
“There are security cameras over every square inch of the ride.”
“They won’t see-”
“Infrared cameras. Second, do you really get turned on around the smell of water that probably hasn’t been changed since this park opened?!”
“I-”
“Look, you want to ride that, feel free. I’m going on something else.”
“O-okay? Uh - where should we meet up?”
“School. Maybe. Later.” She stormed off, pulling her phone out of her bag. The Midwestern Kingdom was a weird park - it had started out as a blatant ripoff of Disneyland, a la Nara Dreamland, and had grown into its own thingin the seventies. The odd ‘WE CAN’T SAY DISNEY BUT THINK DISNEY’ elements were interspersed through thrill rides that were too odd to be picked up by King’s Island or Cedar Point. And while it was normally just open in the summer, it did open its doors for a ‘spring preview’ one week a year.
Naturally, two thirds of her school was there, despite the lingering chill in the air.
NoBottleBlonde: Did you make it out here?
If Lucy was there, she could get a ride home with her. Odds were slim, given what she’d said, but-
XenaWasRight: Nope. XenaWasRight: Car’s still broken down. XenaWasRight: And I never knew fixing it would be this fun. NoBottleBlonde: Fun? Seriously? XenaWasRight: Hey, what can I say, the company makes the activity. XenaWasRight: Gotta go. We’re lifting the engine out. NoBottleBlonde: What? What company? NoBottleBlonde: Lucy? NoBottleBlonde: I WANT DEETS LATER.
Well. Crap. Good that Lucy was having a date she was enjoyingfor once, even if ‘fixing her car’ wasn’t technically a date, but… that left her alone in the park. Unlesssss…
NoBottleBlonde: Hey, are you and your dork friends here? TrillHitchhiker: I choose to take that term as a compliment. And yes. NoBottleBlonde: YES. Okay, my date turned out to be a real creep. Mind if I hang with you guys? TrillHitchhiker: Oh no. I am terribly offended. How dare you suggest such a thing. Gasp. I think I have a case of the vapors. NoBottleBlonde: :P TrillHitchhiker: We’re split up at the moment. Most of us are in one line or another, but we’re meeting in 30 minutes at the entrance to El Torqueno. NoBottleBlonde: I’m heading there now. Can’t believe that guy was too wimpy to even try riding it… TrillHitchhiker: …the vast majority of our party is too. NoBottleBlonde: PFFT. I’m trying it. See you there soon.
She closed down the phone and headed for the new ride. It was an intimidatingcoaster. A bright orange steel thing that wound in and out of ambiguously-industrial theming. Each pair of seats were also able to rotate around end over end. It was fast. It was intense. And - yes, if you had a weak stomach… but she was made of sterner stuff. She could manage it.
Right? Right.
The line wasn’t especially interesting. She did enjoy the fact that they were at least trying to build suspense, letting the line cut past several stretches of track, so you could hear the screams and roar of the ride and really soak in what was going to happen. She didn’t notice the sign until she was in sight of the boarding platform.
Single riders will be paired.
Oh. Great.
She looked around rapidly, trying to make sure the creep wasn’t there. No. No, he hadn’t been clever enough to try to pull that. Good. So she had to ride with a stranger, but that wouldn’t matter much. It was just one ride, and then she’d be with her… estranged nieceCousin by blood friend and her friend’s friends. God. So much easier to ignore the blood relation. The last few minutes of wait were short, and then she was there, waiting on the platform alone as the operator herded her to a seat right at the back, and - then waved over another girl about her age. Shorter. More pear shaped, though she definitely made it work. Also blonde. She said something, though it was drowned out by the sound of the ride and the music over the PA. Diane just shrugged in return. The other girl grinned, rolled her eyes, and gestured to the seat. In they went, and the harnesses clicked into place… and that was it. A minute passed. Two. And then they were heading for the lift hill. The girl next to Diane let out a whoop.
“AWESOME! I’ve been waiting for this for a YEAR!”
“Seriously? Are you that much of a coaster junkie?”
“Maybe? I dunno. I mean, I only ever go here…”Diane craned her head around. The other girl gave a hapless shrug, barely visible in the harness, still grinning. Diane just laughed once. Eh, what the hell. She could drop the thin veneer of self control and just enjoythis for once. Her enthusiasm was infectious. They crested the lift hill, and for a moment they were all screaming, and then - DOWN. The speed was everything, plunging them through a canyon of rust and gray, before it twistedto the side, and then they were flippingbackwards, making it impossible to see where they were going - and the disorientation, the shock, the sheer adrenaline was so good,so pure, so cleansing, that Diane found herself screamingalong with everyone else, venting her nerves and her delight and the sheer sensory overload of it.
Somewhere around the cobra roll, she found herself grabbing the other girl’s hand. She had been sort of flailing, and - wow, she had a HELL of a grip, and - she barely registered that for the rest of the ride. Not until they lurched to a stop in front of the station, and everyone started cheering. They were not quite upright, and the cars took a moment to spin them slowly into place before they advanced to the platform to unload with a loud hiss.
The bars were lifted. They stumbled out, dizzy and laughing and flushed, and staggered towards the exit.
“Oh. My. Fuzzy. GOD. That was amazing!” The shorter girl blurted. “That… that was better than I hoped for!”
“I KNOW, RIGHT?” Diane was tryingnot to gush. “I swear, I - I nearly blacked out for a second. I - holy - frickI can’t even think straight right now.” She stumbled, and nearly fell, only to slump over on the shorter girl, who burst into giggles again - as someone cleared their throat nearby.
“Well. I was going to tell you that we were waiting for Diane, but you found her. Ah - Diane, Sarah. Sarah, Diane.” Susan was standing at the bottom of the ramp, next to Justin, Elliot, and… well… the whole rest of Susan’s little crew. A curvy black girl (Grace, that - that washer name, right?) gave her a MASSIVE smile, grabbing the arm of another girl with a mop of purple hair. She was squeeingin an almost inaudible pitch.
“Yeah, yeah, we rode together. You… you don’t know what you’re missing. I swear, I’m still high off the vertigo.” Sarah nudged Diane upright, and - that was when both of them realized they were stillholding hands. And that they had been clutching each other so hard that they probably had bruisesfrom each other’s fingertips.
Oh.
Oh.
That… probably shouldn’t have gotten a blush out of Diane, but-
“So which ride’s next? We gotta pick something a littletamer for these guys, but - we all up for the Steel Noodle?” Sarah didn’t let go. If anything, she gave her hand another squeeze before pulling her towards the next ride.
She really had to send that creep a thank you letter. A severely passive aggressive thank you letter, but a thank you all the same.
(A/N: The roller coaster type in question is probably nonexistent, but is based on the same concept as a ‘4th Dimension’ roller coaster, albeit with more traditional coaster elements.)
Her mother had always planned to tell Lucy about the curse someday. Soon. When she was older. There was no need to rush these things, her mother thought, let her live the life of an innocent child a little longer. She’d be living with it for the rest of her life, in one way or another.
But biology had other ideas, and Lucy hit puberty rather early, in fifth grade. Her mother knew that the time had come when Lucy said one day at breakfast, “This cereal tastes funny.”
Her mother’s heart sank, but she forced herself to sound casual as she asked, “Is the milk bad?”
“No. It’s not that. It just tastes kinda…boring. Almost flavorless.” She poked at the cereal bowl with her spoon, then took another bite. She frowned as she chewed. “Bleh,” she pronounced, after she’d swallowed.
“Maybe you’re getting a cold?” her mother suggested. “Having a stuffed-up nose can change your sense of taste.”
Lucy sniffed dramatically through clear nostrils. “Nope.”
Her mother sighed. “Well, you need to eat something for breakfast. Just…choke it down, then get ready for school.”
“Bleh,” Lucy repeated, but she did as instructed.
____________________
When Lucy got home from school that afternoon, her mother sat her down on the couch for a talk.
“Your body is going through some changes—”
Lucy rolled her eyes. “You’ve already told me about boobs and periods, Mom.”
“Yes, but this is different. Every girl goes through that. But in our family…” Her mother took a deep breath. “Our family is cursed.”
Lucy looked blankly at her mother. “Cursed? Like…Princess Fiona?”
Her mother tried to smile. “Almost. But we don’t become hideous redheads, or ogres. Instead…all food is flavorless. Unless it is given to us by one who loves us.”
“Loves us? Like, my prince charming? Or Shrek?”
“No, it doesn’t have to be romantic love, any deep friendship or bond will do.”
“Wait—you made my breakfast, and it tasted bleh—does that mean you don’t—“ Lucy’s eyes went wide, and she bit her lip.
Her mother pulled her close and hugged her tight. “No, no, no, sweetie, I love you as much as ever, don’t ever doubt that. But…the curse begins when you become a woman. And at that point, a parent’s love is not enough.”
“I’m only twelve! I’m not a woman!”
Her mother smiled sadly. “The curse is rather literal. I suspect you’ll be having your first period in the next week or so.”
“Yuck.”
____________________
Lucy had never suspected that the answer to her curse might come from another girl, so when she reluctantly took a proffered Milk Dud from Diane at the movies one night, she was not prepared for the explosion of flavor in her mouth. She gasped, and almost started crying at the return of flavor, something she had not experienced in over two years. Despite her mother’s warnings, she asked Diane for another, only to confirm that the curse only allowed the flavor to exist when the food was freely given, not asked for.
Suddenly her double-dates with Diane took on new meaning. She knew Diane had no romantic interest in her, but she found she did not reciprocate that platonic interest. It was hard not to fall in love with Diane, who provided her with such elemental pleasure. And all unknowing, simply by loving her as a friend.
But she lived for those moments Diane offered her a french fry or piece of candy.
____________________
Once Rhoda found Catalina, Lucy was able to see the smaller girl in a clearer light. She suspected that Rhoda sympathized with her, thought that Lucy had an unrequited crush on Diane. But there was no way Rhoda could know the full extent of Lucy’s feelings for Diane. It wasn’t just a crush, although it had started with a desperate longing to taste something wonderful again. A desire for a sensual pleasure that went beyond sex. Her initial attraction to Diane might have been sensual, but over time it grew to be much more than that.
And still Diane remained oblivious.
____________________
The year Diane gave her a box of Godiva chocolates for her birthday was one of the best birthdays of her life. Lucy had saved and savored those chocolates for months, nibbling each truffle an eighth, or sixteenth, at a time, stretching them out for as long as she could. The sensual delight of chocolate melting across her tongue, exploding with flavor and filling her senses, was almost sexual in and of itself. She wept as she at the last little crumb of chocolate, and hoped and prayed that Diane would repeat the gift next year. She knew she couldn’t ask for it, was afraid to even hint at it.
But what she got instead was a Lush make up kit.
____________________
Lucy watched Diane giggle and shove a spoonful of ice cream into the boy’s mouth, wishing desperately that it was her that Diane was feeding. She couldn’t even recall the boy’s name. He was just another boy. Like the boy she was with. Another stupid, interchangeable boy, getting the attention from Diane that Lucy so desperately craved.
“Excuse me,” she muttered, and pushed her way away from the table. “Gotta go to the ladies’ room.” Her own date nodded and didn’t say anything as she stalked off towards the restroom.
She leaned on her hands on the edge of the restroom sink and stared at herself in the mirror. Her heart felt leaden in her chest as she slowly shook her head.
Give up already, Lucy, she scolded herself. Diane is never going to see you the way you see her. Just…move on already, for God’s sake! Find someone else! Anyoneelse!
But the face staring back at her knew the cold truth. It lay in a lump in her stomach like the tasteless meal she’d just consumed.
Dammit. There is no one else.
She sighed, washed her hands, and headed back out to finish her tasteless dessert.
Susan’s mother stared at her blankly. She took a sip of her tea, her gaze unwavering.
“I’m not about to call you a liar, dear, and I’m sure that most if not all of what is in that mug came out of the coffee pot, but that’s one of my good Bailey’s mugs. I keep them in the liquor cabinet for a reason.”
“You keep most of them in the liquor cabinet. This one was in with the rest of the mugs in the cupboard.” The older woman continued her stare unabated. She sipped her tea again. Susan sighed, and slid the mug to her. “Feel free to test. I’ll be getting myself a fresh mug.” She didn’t wait until Susan was out of the room to sip - and nod once. No booze. Of course. She realized that her mouth was running as she got to the kitchen, but didn’t bother to shut it off. The grumbling was mostly under her breath, and she didn’t really vent much, if at all. Her usual reaction was to simply shut down or to rage atop her lungs in as eloquent and forceful a manner as she could. Grumbling was novel in a way. As she added creamer to the cup, her mother entered the kitchen.
“You must forgive my suspicion, dear. You are at that age, and you’ve been through more than most people your age.”
“I’m aware.” Susan’s tone was carefully neutral.
“But with that said, I can’t condone certain… coping mechanisms. If you do feel the need to-”
“I don’t.” There was a long moment of silence in the room, before Susan snatched her keys from the rack and headed for her car. She needed some air. There were things not said. ‘My coping mechanisms are not your own’ was the primary one.
“No, I can’t, but…” Tedd shriveled a little under the combined glare. “Look, think about it from a logical standpoint. You open a haunted house for Halloween.”
“The best haunted house ever.” Grace crossed her arms.
“Right, as you said. People start out with your creepy cult theming and eerie ambiance, which sort of draws them in and gets the anxieties up.”
“It’s just good horror tropes in play, right.” Ellen squinted a little.
“You give them a bunch of lesser jump scares, and a few moments that are just plain eerie, including the one where one of you comes out, improvs a short ritual, and hands one of the guests a snake skull, then walks away with no explanation.”
“I found a bag of like two hundred of them at the flea market.” Ellen nodded a little bit. “Plus they’re all garter snake skulls, so they have itty bitty teeth. If that’s the logistical part you have an issue with…”
“No, no, keep following me here. Then they get to the climax, the ridiculously long hallway with the concealed nook where Sarah’s waiting with the TF gun that you snuck from the lab, and they get shrunk to 70% of their normal size while unnaturally-huge Justin chases them with a cleaver.”
“Right again.” Grace remained unmoved.
“THEN Sarah hits Justin with another transformation that gives him spines and purple skin, which amps up the freaky factor.”
“Right.”
“And all that culminates with giant possibly-demonic Justin chasing them out a long hallway into the parking lot, with Sarah waiting in yet another hidden alcove to zap them back to full size.”
“Right. So what’s the big problem here? I thought we had everything under control!” Grace threw her arms up as Tedd sighed.
“What happens if someone’s too fast for Sarah to zap back to full size and they just sprint out the door in their still-shrunken state?”
“Oh, that?” Ellen rolled her eyes, a smile finally breaking out. “We’re going to have one of those buzz-you-out locks in the alcove. Sarah won’t let anyone out until she’s zapped the whole lot of them.”
“Oh. Well, in that case, I retract my complaints. Got room for a not-quite-dead corpse in one of the rooms?”
“ ‘Important message regarding your student loans’, which I don’t have… delete. ‘Latest updates from-’ a news blog I unsubscribed from last year… delete.” Susan mumbled to herself as she cycled through her email, picking out the obvious chaff from things that needed to be saved.
IJustWannaFly: are you getting more emails since we started doing movie reviews?
The message from Elliot wasn’t entirely unexpected, though the topic wasn’t something she thought she’d see for a while yet.
TrillHitchhiker: Not particularly.
TrillHitchhiker: I’ve had a few that have managed to track me down, but most of my ‘fan mail’ has been in the form of comments on our videos.
TrillHitchhiker: Mostly I stopped reading them after hitting the comments about how I need to eat a sandwich.
She took another long sip of her lemonade while Elliot typed. Gods bless him, he needed to learn where the shift key was. At least he was usually better about it when he had a physical keyboard - she had a feeling he was on mobile at the moment.
IJustWannaFly: so I guess its just me then?
TrillHitchhiker: Probably. How are they getting your email, anyway?
TrillHitchhiker: You haven’t put it up on the videos.
TrillHitchhiker: And we don’t exactly have a ‘contact us’ page anywhere.
IJustWannaFly: I don’t know!
IJustWannaFly: maybe my facespace account?
TrillHitchhiker: Facespace.
TrillHitchhiker: I can imagine your details getting leaked from that page.
TrillHitchhiker: You left it on a comment there, or some such?
IJustWannaFly: uh
IJustWannaFly: well I mean its kind of right there on my page
He wasn’t that dense, was he?
TrillHitchhiker: You have your email set to ‘publicly visible’ on your Facespace.
IJustWannaFly: yes?
TrillHitchhiker: …is your page set to ‘friends only’?
IJustWannaFly: no?
TrillHitchhiker: How many ‘fan mails’ did you wake up to?
IJustWannaFly: 3000ish?
IJustWannaFly: but like half are from the same address
TrillHitchhiker: Burn the address.
TrillHitchhiker: Make a new one. Do not put it on any social media.
TrillHitchhiker: Salt the earth and move on.
IJustWannaFly: is that really necessary?
TrillHitchhiker: SALT THE EARTH AND MOVE ON.
IJustWannaFly: we only have 1000 subscribers. it isn’t like that’s this big a deal is it?
After several long, blushing moments, Elliot finally broke the silence. He mumbled, “Um. Listen. When I said I thought you were cute, I meant that in a manly, platonic sort of way. I mean, it’s not that you’re not cute, but I didn’t mean to sound emasculating. I don’t think of you as girly, despite your long hair. You’re also hot, in a studly sort of way, and, and, and, I’m just digging myself in deeper, aren’t I?” He squeezed his eyes shut as if trying to make the whole world go away. Where was that demonic duck when you really needed him?
Noah’s awkward expression slowly gave way to a grin. “You do not know how to handle this, do you?”
Elliot sighed and reluctantly opened his eyes. “What, finding guys attractive? No, not at all. It’s…not something I ever knew about myself. Until recently.” He grimaced, and muttered, “Until meeting you.”
“Well, for starters, you might wish to treat that attraction the same way you would an attraction to a pretty woman. How would you approach complimenting, say, Susan?”
Elliot snorted. “With a ten foot pole?” he suggested wryly.
“Very well, maybe she was not the best example. Perhaps a better question would be, how would your girlfriend feel about you expressing appreciation for the appearance of another woman. Or man.”
“Oh.Oh! Uh, yeah. That is a consideration.” Elliot couldn’t believe he’d forgotten about Ashley in the middle of all of this.
“Unless the two of you are in an open polyamorous relationship?…” Noah suggested hopefully.
“Um. Well, not to the best of my knowledge.”
Noah blinked. “I…what? That is not… What?” He looked utterly confused.
Elliot sighed. “Our relationship is…complicated. Let’s just say, we haven’t discussed that possibility, but…knowing her, it’s not something that’s outside of the realm of possibility.”
Noah’s eyebrows shot up. Well, at least the one Elliot could see. He assumed the other one was up too. “I see. I must admit, I never got that impression of Ashley, but I have only met her a few times.” His smile slowly returned. “Well. In that case. Might I suggest you have a heart-to-heart conversation with her about the subject, and we can return to this discussion at a later date?”
Elliot stared at Noah, eyes wide, his blush returning in full force. He was surprised at just how forward Noah was being, but then again, he’d always been almost painfully blunt. He smiled back. “Yeah. That sounds like a good idea.”
“In the meantime, those middle-schoolers have finally cleared off the court, so let us go throw some hoops, as they say.”
Elliot laughed. “Shirts versus skins again?” He and Noah peeled off their t-shirts simultaneously.
“How about, skins versus skins,” replied Noah with a knowing smile. He let his gaze linger appreciatively on Elliot’s pecs for a moment.
Elliot grinned and trotted onto the court. He tossed the basketball to Noah. “Don’t think I’m going to go easy on you just because you’re cute.”
Day two of EGS Flashfic Week! A slight warning: This story is a little more suggestive than our usual fare, though it doesn’t go beyond the usual level of, say, an episode of Futurama, and is probably SFW unless you work in a convent. A ‘read more’ link has still been inserted.
“Do… do I want to know?” After several long seconds, that was the only thing that could escape Sarah’s mouth. Grace cocked her head to the side - the squirrel girl was wearing a transformation that Sarah had never seen before, a somewhat disturbing fusion of mammalian and cephalopod traits. Mostly, she looked human-ish, though her skin was… different. Constantly shifting colors, subtly. Her eyes were WEIRD, and her arms were… not there. Replaced by a cluster of three tentacles apiece.
“What do you mean? This is awesome!”
“Yeah, but do I want to know why you and Tedd made this form? I mean, I can only imagine the shoehorning that he had to do to get the genetics to work.”
“Magic does a LOT to speed that up.” Grace winked, wrapping a pair of tentacles around Sarah’s shoulder. Sarah locked up at the touch, staring down at the tendrils, trying not to think about it. She was thinking about it. “I wanted to see what it would be like to have no bones for a while.”
“NO bones?!”
“None at all!” Grace grinned, and Sarah realized just why Grace looked wrong - her face was constantly shifting in SHAPE just a little, held in place only by - what? Musculature? Fluid sacs?
“That’s… that’s pretty freaky, I’m not going to lie. How different does it feel?”
“Honestly, except for the arms, you don’t think about it too much?” She shrugged. “And these are pretty cool. You’d be amazed at what you can do with them.”
“Yeah, I’d imagine.” Sarah’s blush ratcheted up a few notches, as Grace giggled.
“I mean like ‘scratching my own back’ or ‘tightening nuts without a wrench’, not THAT.”
“Riiiight. Like you and Tedd haven’t-”
“Oh we HAVE. I’m not denying anything there. But that doesn’t need to be the first place your mind goes.” She stretched upwards with all six limbs. “Look at these things! They’re nature’s perfect all-purpose tools! Infinitely flexible, super-strong, and able to do SO much more than arms can, My tentacles are naughty because I’M naughty, not because of the mere fact that they are tentacles!”
“Fair. But I’m going to have to ask you to change back before we play Mario Kart.”
“-but if you look at the physics, everything checks out. So Remnant’s moon is actually what’s left of a titanic Grimm.” Tedd ended his argument with both arms raised triumphantly in the air.
Susan just looked at him with an eyebrow raised. “Not believing it. Grimm dissolve, and the shattering pattern is all wrong anyway.” She folded her arms, ready to resist any argument.
“Fiiiiine. I’ll prove it to you. I’ve got a physics engine on my computer at home; let’s finish up here and then I can show it to you. I promise you it’ll make sense.” Tedd took a massive bite of his burger and washed it down with half his Coke. “Jesh guffmh uhn manuh.”
“No. Eat your food like a normal person.” As if to set an example, Susan took ten minutes to finish her meal. By the end of it, Tedd was wriggling with impatience in his seat.
“C’mon, let’s go already! We could’ve started simulating already!”
Susan sighed. “I’m done now. Toss my-“ Before she could finish her sentence, her tray was whisked away from her by Tedd and thrown wholesale into the nearest garbage can. “You know you’re not supposed to throw away the tray too, right?”
Tedd wasn’t there, however. He had already bolted out the door and was standing by Susan’s car, dancing in place.
“I’m tempted to just leave you here, but now I’m curious.” At a reasonable pace, Susan followed her friend and unlocked her car. “Get in, and don’t touch anything.”
–
As soon as he unlocked the front door, Tedd nearly dove headlong down the basement stairs and into his desk chair. “Give me five minutes and I’ll put all the parameters in and have it ready to start calculating.”
Susan leaned over the back of Tedd’s chair, keeping half an eye on the numbers he was inputting as she idly mused. Who knew a year ago that today we’d be the best of friends? Hell, I still thought he was just a perverted, misogynistic jerk back then. She let her eyes wander over the TF guns and the myriad of watches Tedd had laid out. He’s still a little odd, but… he’s a good friend. I’m just glad I looked beyond what I thought back then. It’s hard to find someone to talk nerdy science with. Justin’s great, but he leans more toward technobabble. She looked down at the back of Tedd’s head and smiled. Huh. Turns out I really l-
“Susan, are you okay? You’ve been pretty quiet for a while.” Tedd twisted around to look at his friend, worried.
Mod Zee’s first entry to the flashfic week! Enjoy, all.
“I’m heading out to the store.” Hedge tugged his coat on, meandering towards the door. Guineas let out a squeak and threw him a thumbs-up, too engrossed in crocheting and Alton Brown for the moment.
“Which store?” Vladia was slumped in a chair. Counseling had been going… relatively well. She was still a ball of anger and issues, all of them pretty damn understandable given her circumstances.
“Just the grocery store.” Hedge froze near the door. “Hey. C'mon with me.”
Hedge casually cleared out his ears after the outburst. Yep. Those would be ringing for an hour or so. Lack of screech or no, Vladia could get LOUD.
“We’re cleared to make short trips into town. That does include you.” Two weeks since the clearance and she hadn’t left the base once. The former bat/bird/whatever hybrid fidgeted in place a moment.
“I - why would I go to a grocery store? We have food here!”
“Yeah, but they have ice cream. And I have spending money.” He held up a few twenties.
–
Cars made Vladia nervous. People got into chunks of metal, accelerated around at speeds they didn’t really have the reflexes to deal with, and hoped they didn’t slam into each other. Flying was a much more sensible mode of transport… she almost missed it from time to time. Granted, not being stuck as a monster was worth it, but it didn’t make the transit any easier. At least Hedge was a sane driver. He kept his speed under control, kept the radio at a decent volume, and she was pleasantly surprised when he rolled the windows down after a few minutes. A little fresh, moving air did make it easier to stomach things.
When they pulled up to the Sav-A-Bunch she was almost - almost - relaxed.
“Try to keep it under thirty, `kay?” Hedge chimed over his shoulder. She gave a vague nod, and started to head towards the brightly-lit edifice.
Brightly lit.
Populated.
Her breath caught in her chest a minute. She could do this. She could… she glowered as she stomped into the store. Right. Ice cream. This place had ICE CREAM. Ignoring Hedge, she headed off to one side of the store - milk was over there. Ice cream had to be near, right? Milk. Cheese. Deli meat. Beer - no ice cream? She doubled back and checked behind the glass of each door.
“This… makes… NO SENSE.” She finally barked. “If you have all your cold stuff in one area, why would the ice cream NOT be there?!”
“Yeah, I know, right?” She stiffened up. A scruffy looking twentysomething pushing a cart full of empty boxes shrugged behind her. “You go to Wally World and it’s all in the same area.”
“The hell is Wally World!?”
“Uh…” He coughed. “Wal-Mart. Sorry, dunno if that’s a local thing. Should have guessed you weren’t from around here from the accent.” Vladia blinked a few times. She didn’t have an accent! She-
“Yes. That is a perfectly reasonable expectation. So where IS it?!”
“Oh. Uh - yeah, this isn’t the only cold aisle. Most of it’s along the back wall - so’s the fresh meat. I can show you if-”
“I can manage.” Still grumbling under her breath, she turned a corner, and - well, yeah, he was right. The whole back wall of the market was freezers. Meat. Meat. Lots of meat. Ice - who bought ICE?! Wasn’t that why people had freezers in the first place? Her mind reeled at the revelation, but she avoided another ranting fit. Bags of chopped fruit. Potatoes in various sorts of cut up states. And -
There it was. The promised land.
For a moment, she was almost overwhelmed at the floor-to-top-of-case display of dairy goodness, as she was with the fact that there were four - count them, four - doors full of it. With eyes wide, she paced back and forth like a caged panther, trying to decide. Thirty. She had thirty to spend. How much were they per conta-
—
“…you gonna eat all those in one night?” Hedge looked vaguely amused as he put up his purchases - some dry goods and some stuff that Vladia was not paying attention to in the slightest - on the conveyor.
“Clearly.” Six pints of the stuff. SIX. And she was still under budget! She stacked them up, as he shrugged.
“`Kay. Just stop if you get a stomachache.”
“You clearly underestimate my stomach.”
“Having a party?” The cashier piped up. Vladia glared at her.
“Yes. It’s called the ‘Vladia got talked into going out to get ice cream and now she is going to make sure she gets said ice cream into her belly’ party and it is going to be AMAZING.”
“…sounds like it?” Her smile was a little more forced as she rang them up with rapid, practiced grace. Hedge laid down the funds. The transaction was over with another layer of required social niceties, and they were outside again, Vladia clutching a bag that contained her confections.
“Let’s get back quick.”
“…hey. V?” Hedge slid into the car, tucking his own bag behind the seat.
“I know, I know, just - punch it.”
“No, really.” He smiled. “That was pretty good. I’m proud of you.”
“…what.”
“I know this kind of thing puts you on edge. You coped, you got through it. So… yeah. Good on you.” He scruffed her hair - and then opened the glove compartment, and fished out something wrapped in plastic. A single napkin, wrapped with a plastic knife, and… a spoon. She blinked a few times, squinting at him.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t see a reason for you to wait for your sweet, sweet reward?”
“No, why do you HAVE this in the car?”
“Oh. Uh… whoever usually borrows this car likes to be prepared.”
“…there are ketchup packets in there.”
“Yeah.”
“Hot sauce. Hand sanitizer. More napkins - how often do people eat in here?” She already had a pint of Phish Food open and was shoveling it into her mouth. Her rant could pause a beat. She could enjoy this. And… she could check off one more 'regular’ thing that she could get through.
And we’re kicking off EGS Flashfic week! Our first submission is by @bdigfreakingwooper - thanks again, though it’s less a contest and more a general celebration of EGSness. :)
“Maybe I’m missing something, but…” “No, no, you’re right. The movie completely undermines its own moral.” “Really? Oh man. I’m giving myself a cookie right now.”
Starring: Elliot and Susan, acting out of character for the camera.
Elliot stood up, but instead of heading towards the kitchen like Susan expected him to, he opened up a drawer, paused a moment, and sighed. “What are you doing?” “My cookie drawer is empty.” “You have a cookie drawer? Why do you have a cookie drawer in your room?” “Well, I don’t now. It doesn’t have any cookies in it anymore. Give me a minute, I’ll be back.” As Elliot headed off to the kitchen, Susan was left alone with the camera. “What… Why does he have a cookie drawer? That just seems unsanitary, there could be ants.”
A few minutes passed before Susan started getting impatient. “Alright, what’s going on? There’s no possible way that getting a cookie could take that long.” Susan reached out to turn off the camera, but, struck by a whim, she left it on. If they had to edit out the pause anyway, a few more minutes wouldn’t hurt…
The camera dutifully continued to record the empty couch as voices emerged from offscreen.
“Did you actually start baking cookies in the middle of a recording session, Elliot?!” “We were out! Besides, this won’t take long. I said I was getting a cookie right now and I will.” “It’ll take at least thirty more minutes! Get back here and finish the review!” “Or it could be twice as hot and take half as long…” “Elliot, that’s not how cooking works.” “One minute at 10000 degrees!” “Elliot you are not doing this again.” “I shall harness the power of the sun to bake these cookies in a single second!” “… If you burn your house down I’m not covering for you.”
This Saturday starts the First Annual Entirely Unofficial El Goonish Shive Flashfic Week and Demonic Duck Appreciation Festival.
Wait, we didn’t get cleared for the festival?
Stupid frickin City Hall who rents out that many gazebos on one day - okay just the flashfic week. Our submit box is open and we’ve already got our first fic in!
As a reminder, the fics:
Should be written in one sitting with minimal editing.
Should be short.
Should have an out of context EGS panel as the fic prompt (we suggest picking one from here or @just-el-goonish-shive-things. ).
For the week of 9/15 (which has no particular significance) we will be hosting flashfics written by you (and Mod Zee). The only guidelines are that they have to be written by you, written in a single sitting (drabbles are encouraged!) and they have to use a panel from El Goonish Shive, divorced from it’s context, as a prompt.
