#emotional baggage

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Causes and effects.

I used to be so passionate about so many things that I still wonder where the hell did I get all the energy when I was younger. Now, it takes all willpower to do even the barest minimum and anything above that drains me completely.

Maybe it’s part of growing up. Maybe I just “spent” too much when I was little that nothing is left now.

At present, I have to carefully choose where and when I’d spend my limited energy. But damn, people make it really hard sometimes. Especially people who think they know better; people who feels entitled to dictate what’s best for others.

But here’s the truth. My truth.

It’s not that I don’t want to go out. I do. I miss my friends. I miss people.
- but just thinking about the hassle of asking permission to actually go and the anxiety whenever I leave the house in fear of catching COVID (and worse, bringing it home) makes me Not Want it.

It’s not that I don’t like cooking and baking anymore. I do. It eases my mind and it’s one thing I genuinely enjoy even if I’m not particularly good at it.
- but more time spent in the kitchen means eating a whole lot more which is a struggle because of the continuous diet I put myself in.

It’s not that I don’t want to be promoted. I love money and there’s a certain level of satisfaction when your hard work is being noticed.
- but is this what I signed up for? Is it something I deliberately asked for? Or is it something simply dumped on my lap, expecting me to thank them for the extra workload?

It’s not that I don’t want a relationship. Or that I don’t like anybody or no one likes me. It’s easy.
- but I can’t bear the thought of the potential inevitable marriage and childbirth and dealing with in-laws. It sounds extreme but I don’t want to go through the motions only to back out at the last second after everything.

And that puts things in perspective:

That it’s easier to just say you don’t “want” a thing when in fact, you just don’t like to deal with everything it entails.

It also becomes a matter of a certain thing being “worth it”.

• I like going out, sure. But is it worth the mental gymnastics and anxiety and panic attacks?
• I enjoy being in the kitchen, yes. But is it worth the self-damage when the scale stares back at you, taunting you for every cookie and serving of pasta consumed?
• I want to earn more and get a promotion. But is it worth the never-ending burnout and stress and depression and doubt you’ll have to deal with on a daily basis?
• Dating sounds fun, I’ll give it that. But is it worth the emotional turmoil and baggage at the end of the line?

And when the answer to those things are “no, definitely not worth it.” then you bet I’m opting out of it totally.

For the sake of not feeling like a complete emotionless bore, I self reflected on times when these circumstances become “worth it.” I realized it’s when these things have mitigating variables.

Going to the mall? I can’t wait! The anxiety of catching COVID is mitigated by factors such as only being with my family and not using public transport and practicing utmost hygiene safety.

Prepping for a party where I have to cook and bake? Sounds fun! It’s worth the extra workout time I have to put in to burn the calories I’ll gain.

I still haven’t found the mitigating factor to dating though, if there’s any at all.

At the end of the day, I just wish people around me would stop thinking like they know what’s best for my own sanity. It’s so exhausting to keep declining over and over again and explaining why I don’t want A Thing when I shouldn’t be explaining myself in the first place.

A NO should be a NO. As simple as that.

I should have the agency to decide for myself if I want a certain thing or not, because believe me that when I decide on something, I have fully weighed all variables. If I do go through with it without unnecessary convincing, then best believe I found the circumstances worth the effort.

Sometimes though, I say yes to things just so people would stop pestering me. That is when the balance of being “worth it” is tipped. I say yes to things because the peace it will bring me in the long run when they stop nagging is worth that extreme trouble I have to go through - even though it is still admittedly terrible.

In these cases, I lost either way.

Sure I’ll go out, but I won’t be having fun because I didn’t want it out of my own volition in the first place - and I still had to go through the motions to get there.

Fine, I’ll take the job but I’ll be complaining all the time because I. Did. Not. Ask. For. This.

VS when people would stop forcing me to do things and allow me to decline something I want, then there’s only an “ah bummer” feeling but it saves me the emotional labor.

It’s difficult to explain but putting it down makes it a bit clearer in my head. I wish I could explain this to people clearly but above that, I wish they could just respect my decisions and allow me to just be.

I’m so tired. As kids nowadays say: PLEASE STOP PERCEIVING ME.