Asking for Sex: What Do You Do When the Guy Says No?
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#TrueStory: chalk it up to #VenusRetrograde but last month saw exes coming out the woodworks. I had a chance to have dinner and clear the air with one that I really liked. After a lovely dinner and good conversation (not to mention an extended drought), I asked if he’d like to accompany me back to my room.
Surprise of surprises: he declined. Exasperated (and horny) I asked “Why?” Lo and behold, he flipped the gender script and told me some version of: “I’m happy to have you back in my life. I don’t want to move too prematurely because we are rebuilding our relationship.” Riiiiight. What I wanted to know is what our “relationship” had to do with the sex that I needed to have right then and there.
For that there were no answers.
…
But what I can tell you is this: Getting my courage up to ask a partner that I trust for the sex that I wanted only to be turned down left me feeling hella disempowered.
As feminists one of the major tenets of hetero-sex positivity discourse is making women feel empowered to ask for what we want, to know that our needs and desires matter. Back in the day, some of the original pro-sex Hip Hop Feminists, TLC said, “yo, if I need it in the morning or the middle of the night, I ain’t too proud to beg”
…
Now that women are prioritizing sexual pleasure, men are changing the rules. They are recognizing that sexual performance can decline with age just like beauty.
But frankly, strictly speaking from my own experience, I think that men say no as a way to regain power.
I have a strong personality, I’m outspoken, and smart. Whatever the fuck Steve Harvey says, I know some brothers have found it intimidating. Denying sex becomes an easy way for men to let you know who’s boss.
Of late, I’ve had more than a few homegirls tell me about the negative reactions that they have gotten from men they were casually involved with, when they tried to prioritize sex in the interaction. Apparently, even when these brothers weren’t all that interested in a relationship, they took it as a serious blow to the ego, to find out that sisters just wanted to engage them for their bodies and sexual talents.
And in the classic fashion of those with privilege, they played the victim, changed the rules, and refused to give the thing they had the power to give. In this case, sex.
wat
WAT.
Apparently, NO MEANS NO UNLESS YOU’RE A MAN, THEN YOU ARE DISEMPOWERING ME WHEN I WANT SEX.
*presses pause*
DID I READ THIS CORRECTLY??
I’m pretty dumbfounded. I almost think this is a joke?
WAT
because all men are apparently sex machines. all they want is sex. if they deny it, that obviously means they’re up to something.
good lord.
“Denying sex becomes an easy way for men to let you know who’sboss.”
wow lol
Holy shit it’s like a pile of the reverse of everything spewed by PUA’s, and it’s no less disgusting coming from the other side 8|
How hard is it to say ‘okay’ when they say no
this post is old but still makes me shake my head.
“What to do when he says no?”
Something else other than sex, obvs?
Remember Robin Thicke is a rapist but the lady who wrote this is is a strong, proud womyn who has a human right to sex
If that’s not sexism, I don’t know what is
That woman’s a rapist and she ought to be slapped.
Dear christ that was painful to read
“What do you do when guy says no?” Resspect his decision and don’t force him to do what he don’t what to, OBVIOUSLY. If you don’t, well, then you are rapist and ultimate human garbage. Please get back to trash can where you belong and stay the fuck away from normal people.
Now now. Women have the right to be horrible people too.
Whelp. i’m going back to bed and not leaving it again today.
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My thoughts on Melanie Martinez and Timothy Heller:
Girls can rape girls. Girls can sexually assault girls. Girls can commit intimate partner violence against girls. Girls can stalk, control, isolate, and abuse. Girls are human and party to all the flaws that every other gender is.
Cisgender women in particular often get a pass in sexually predatory situations. Whether it’s a teacher sexually assaulting a teenage boy, or sexual assault in a lesbian couple, we undermine the seriousness of their sex crimes if the offender is a cis woman.
We can’t allow this to continue. Timothy Heller was brave to come forward, and other people who have been victims of sexual assault or harassment perpetrated by women need to be told that they will be believed too. They need to be told they can come forward too.
Because although sexual assault and rape is overwhelmingly perpetrated by cis men against women, anyone can be an abuser. And all sex crimes must be taken seriously.
For survivors of physical, emotional, or sexual assault at the hands of a cis woman, I believe you. Your experiences matter. You are not alone.
Good Ways To Introduce The Concept of Consent to Kids
1. “Can I kiss/hug you?” and then respecting the child’s answer is an easy way to let them establish boundaries, understand they have a say in who has access to their body, and show them that you (an adult) respects their answer. You’re a role model, and if they see someone they respect seeking consent, they will learn to seek it themselves.
2. When the child is around pets, and one no longer wants to be held or pet, say something along the lines of “it looks like Fido doesn’t want patted anymore, so we need to stop.” Cats are, surprisingly, great examples of the concept of ongoing consent. If a cat bats at you, or the child, in the middle of being pet, don’t berate the cat or call it mean. Just say “Fluffy asked us to stop, and it’d be mean for us to continue”. Kids easily understand this idea when presented in this context.
3. Work the concept of consent into lessons on sharing. “You want to borrow Sally’s crayons? Let’s ask her permission.” and then to the other child “are you okay with Luke borrowing your crayons?” To establish the idea of communication over just assuming and taking.
4. Encourage the child to ask permission before giving affection; “let’s ask Billy if he wants a hug!”. Never force the child to receive affection; “you must let Auntie give you a kiss”.
5. Teach the child to recognize personal cues and body language by speaking it over with them out loud. If a shy playmate hides behind his mother’s leg, say “it looks like Johnny wants his personal space right now, we can see if he wants to play later”. If a playmate quietly shakes her head when asked to join a game, say “Suzie doesn’t want to play, and that’s okay, let’s ask someone else!”.
6. Teach the child to respect “no”. If the child is roughhousing with a friend or sibling and they say “stop!”, enforce that the child must do a hard stop. If you’re tickling the child and they say “stop!”, immediately stop.
7. Explain the concept of Good Touch vs. Bad Touch. Good Touches make us feel loved and cared for, like hugs or high fives or kisses or cuddling or ruffled hair. Bad Touches make us feel sad or hurt, like punches and hitting and biting or any other touch that makes us feel strange or gross or bad. Explain that we never want to give anyone Bad Touches, and we never have to receive Bad Touches.
8. Respect their personhood and decision making, where you can. Practice letting them make decisions regarding themself and their body. For example, “it’s bedtime, do you want the monkey pajamas or the zebra pajamas?” Or “Dinner time! Do you want the green beans or the broccoli for your vegetable?” By letting them think about what they want for their body, and then respecting that decision, you are teaching them the foundation of consent.
9. Do not use made up or silly names for the child’s genitalia. If a child asks about their genitalia, or expresses curiosity in how theirs works or why it’s different than someone of the opposite sex, this is a massive learning opportunity. Use an anatomy book, or other scientific source, and approach it as scientifically as possible. Explain that their brother or sister or friend’s privates aren’t for us to use for our own curiosity, but that wondering about genitals is okay and you’ll help them find their answers in a way that doesn’t require anyone’s body or privacy to be compromised.
10. Age up the discussion with the child. A teen or even pre-teen can be spoken to on an even deeper level. If a man in a movie keeps persistently kissing a woman even after she says no, ask the older child to identify what he’s doing wrong, and how they should handle a situation like that. If the older child is in high school, talk blatantly about sexual consent and what it looks like. They may blush, eye roll, say “I know this already”, but the more you normalize the discussion the more you make it comfortable for them to have that discussion with a partner when they really need to.
My mother was fantastic at #10. We’d be hanging out watching TV together, listening to music, whatever, and end up having deep discussions about some issue that’d been brought up. Like, she droped truth about how women should be treated every chance she got so my sister and I knew to accept no less.
If you spoke up, I see you and I thank you for coming forward. If you waited years to report, your story is just as valid. If you couldn’t report, I understand why.
I’m so sorry that this country doesn’t take your trauma seriously. It’s okay to step away from the 24/7 news cycle.
I will work for the rest of my life to make things better.
Yesterday, a white woman — a woman with a PhD, a “credible” and “deferential” and “calm” and “articulate” woman testified about the sexual abuse she experienced at the hands of a monster named Brett Kavanaugh — and Kavanaugh will still be confirmed to the Supreme Court.
To the 53% of white women who voted for Donald Trump because they thought his administration would protect them:
You were wrong.
You will always be objects to be used and abused by the good old boys’ club.
I am a third shift employee at a gas station, my employer often schedules me to work alone on shift for upwards of six hours in the middle of the night. For the most part I don’t mind. And then…… (the following are actual things men have said to me at my job while I was on the clock and did nothing more suggestive than saying “have a good night” after I ring their purchases up.)
…And then I put lotion on my hands which happens to be scented, and a guy walks in and says “Ooh girl you smell nice” Me: oh, thanks, it’s just lotion. Him: “You smell SO good. You’re LUCKY you’re on the clock.”
…And then a customer comes in the door behind me and stands at the counter to my back. When I tell him the register is around the other side, and ask if I Can help him find anything, his response is “no, baby, I’m just enjoying the view” while staring at my ass.
….and then I ask a guy if there is anything else I can get for him along with his purchase and he responds “I’ll take YOU home with me.”
…and then a guy asks for my phone number. Me: “Oh, sorry, no. I actually have a boyfriend.” Him: “Oh really. What other excuses are you going to make up for me?” Me: “It isn’t an excuse. I have a boyfriend. WE have been together for eight years.” Him: “Uh-huh, so if I come in here and you don’t have a boyfriend tomorrow?” Me: “I will have a boyfriend tomorrow.” Him: *walks off muttering at me while his friend behind him starts in with comments about my looks*
….and then a guy comes in on a night when I am not alone and have a guy coworker with me. And he proceeds to interrogate my coworker about me. And lewdly gesture to me and make allusiosn to whether he and I have sex in the store. And when my coworker says no and tries to end the conversastion he continues with “come on, why not. I know you gotta set of keys to the store.”
These are just a few glaring examples of the way I am treated. Every night. In my work uniform while I am just trying to do my job and not get hit on by random ass guys who apparently don’t respect “no”. These are not compliments. Some of them are flat out threatening. None of them respect the fact that I have made it clear that I am not interested. This i why I need feminism.
