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It’s back.

So numb again, the only way I can feel anything is that damn blade. And soreness.

I eat out of habit. Not out of hunger. I can’t feel that anymore. I don’t deserve to enjoy this food. Everything I touch, everyone I try to help just turns out worse.

I’m a coward of I end it, but I’m a coward if I don’t. I offer no good thing to anyone. I’m a burden to everyone, it’ll suck for them in the short term, but in the long term, it’ll be a blessing.

They won’t have to deal with me. No one will. My gift. The only time I’m doing something right.

I fucking hate this.

Relapsed recently. It’s a terrible fucking thing to fall from a time of comfort. It’s worse to remember where you were and to see where we’re at now. We feel like I can’t do anything. It’s so hard to do anything or get motivated to say anything. Every move and every action I feel we need to take will totally get scrutinized and in the end there’ll be no point. I’m useless, and I’m inadequate. I’m replaceable and I really don’t have anything to contribute. 

I’ve helped no one. 

We have no “deliverables.” Everyone else has done these amazing things during their time here and you’ve done absolutely nothing. Your work is, in essence, pointless. We’ve done crap things in the months we’ve been here apparently. We freaking created documents and guides, and fucking pumped up activity in social media and developed new chapters and relationships. I’ve traveled tons around to help promote and you know what I have to show for it? Reprimand because my boss isn’t clear on what he wants from us. When we try to schedule a meeting, it never works. We try to reach out and he’s too busy, which is understandable. I’m a lowly useless minion who’s been more of a thorn in his side and apparently of everyone here. 

We can’t trust anyone because apparently they say things that we’ve said in jest and take it for real. Granted to be fair they don’t know me well enough to know my sarcasm, but when it’s unsubstantiated rumors you have to be mature about the information you receive. 

This is not the place for support. This is a place of stifling and of being put down. Of being micromanaged and of being told we won’t make it through smiles and fake friendships. There is no place less real than here in the office.

It’s all so utterly pointless. I can die right now and it’d make no difference. 

We’ll disappear. We’ll die because it’s all so utterly pointless. We’re expected to do everything and we only get yelled at for the things we don’t do. We have no success. Nothing we’ve done to help.

I am a waste of space. Fuck it all. 

Abortion, sex trafficking, slavery, abuse, racism, hate, war, murder; we live in an incredibly damaged and broken world. Every day, I wake up and there it is, still broken. In the face of this hopeless mess, sometimes all I want is to run; to withdraw from all of it; to stop thinking about it. I just want to bury my parabolic talent in the ground and wait for Jesus to come back. But besides the way things turned out for that “wicked and slothful servant”, the Bible also says in Amos 5:18;

“Woe to you who desire the day of the Lord!Why would you have the day of the Lord?It is darkness, and not light,”.

You see, the point that I miss when I allow the state of the world to lead me to despair is that I was once a part of this world. I was once dead in my sin, condemned to die. And I am living proof that things are not hopeless. Christ has overcome the world and he is making all things new! He is changing minds. He is turning hearts. He is rescuing his people! Christ came to seek and to save and he has a plan for this world! We read in 2 Peter 3:9;

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.

What I need to remember is that Jesus died for the deceived mother as well as the abortionist. He died for the pimps and kidnappers; for the jihadist and the klansman. The same power that raised Christ from the dead, that raised me from the dead; that power can raise them, too. So instead of being overwhelmed by the evil in the world, let’s take refuge in the One who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.

God is in the business of turning the tragedy of our brokenness for His glory. And I believe this often starts with how we, his children, respond to what might otherwise seem a hopeless situation. Do we respond with prideful frustration and defense mechanisms; or do we respond with humility and steadfast prayer?

In Luke chapter 18 Jesus uses a parable to illustrate the importance of diligent unyielding prayer. He ends with this promise in verses 7 and 8:

And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?

So if like me, you are easily wearied by the troubles of this world; I challenge and encourage you dear Christian to take heart! Be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord. And:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. - Philippians 4:6

- Aaron

Its funny the amount of people who interacted with my babygate-related post yesterday, having a hard time bubas?