I learnt overtime that I realize my own predictions. Repeat the same process and hope that things will miraculously turn right. I live with this consciousness of stupidity, taught myself to be void of emotions so I will never get hurt. In return it’s a sense of emptiness that consumes every other aspect of self.
This talk of all or nothing, no return is for if I do come back with less of myself, I can think about not losing the whole. I do not deserve to think that I have problems and issues because they are relative terms. How do you fight both sides of a war and still lose? (A reader brought up this statement awhile ago. I am afraid I don’t have an answer, or maybe I am too coward to commit to one)
I am not sure when I started preferring cowardice over failure, emptiness over turbulence, pity over aggression. I don’t plan on fixing them and I don’t want to be fixed. This stubbornness chases my consciousness around. By now I’ve written myself into contradiction so I will just leave it at this.
“But the reality is, as horrible as what happened, it could have been worse. The reason it was not worse is because law enforcement officials did what they do. They showed amazing courage by running toward gunfire for the singular purpose of trying to save lives. And it is a fact that because of their quick response getting on the scene, being able to respond to the gunman, and eliminate the gunman, they were able to save lives…”
I need to take a moment to gather my thoughts for this.
Really? REALLY? First of all, telling grieving families that things could have been worse has to be the most insensitive fucking thing I can think of. You had children covering themselves in the blood of friends so they could pretend to be dead, so they wouldn’t get shot. You had children calling 911, hopelessly begging for them to send police, to send help. You had teachers die trying to save their students. You had a child get shot after police said to yell for help. You had parents pepper sprayed, tazered, cuffed, begging for the police to go in and save their families. A man had a heart attack after learning his wife was shot dead. These are 21 lives cut short. These are families, students, teachers, friends, a whole community with wounds that will never heal.
Meanwhile police were standing outside for an hour, while parents begged and screamed and cried for them to go inside. They could’ve been shot? They were armed, they had the vests, and if an unarmed, unprotected mother can run in to save her kids then law enforcement can do so much more. They stood outside while children were being slaughtered like animals, while they were smearing friends’ blood on themselves to play dead, while they repeatedly called 911 for help.
This could have been worse? How? How can you know that 21 lives are lost, 19 of them children, and have the helium-filled balls to say it could have been worse? Law enforcement did nothing. They had no courage. They were cowards at best. They didn’t run towards gunfire. They dragged their feet. They didn’t go in there to save lives. They stood idly by while lives were lost.
And for only 2 minutes and 30 seconds of an 11 minute speech to be dedicated to this incident, while the rest is about praising law enforcement for their “amazing courage” and “quick response” to it, and about everything they’ve done and will do, is absolutely insanity.
Nobody should have to go through this. How many now are wondering when they’ll be next? How many children are wondering when a shooter will walk through the doors? How many parents fear that when they send their kids to school, their kids might not make it back? How many teachers have to brace themselves everyday for the possibility that they may die trying to save their students?
Layla Salazar, 11
Nevaeh Bravo, 10
Jose Manuel Flores Jr., 10
Xavier Lopez, 10
Tess Marie Mata, 10
Rojelio Torres, 10
Eliahna “Ellie” Amyah Garcia, 9
Eliahna A. Torres, 10
Annabell Guadalupe Rodriguez, 10
Jackie Cazares, 9
Uziyah Garcia, 10
Jayce Carmelo Luevanos, 10
Maite Yuleana Rodriguez, 10
Jailah Nicole Silguero, 10
Irma Garcia, 48
Eva Mireles, 44
Maranda Mathis, 11
Makenna Lee Elrod, 10
Amerie Jo Garza, 10
Alexandria “Lexi” Aniyah Rubio, 10
Alithia Ramirez, 10
But it could have been worse, right?
@o-captain-my-captain
Wholeheartedly agree from Britain. At this point, these politicians and the police have blood on their hands.
Meanwhile police were standing outside for an hour, while parents begged and screamed and cried for them to go inside. They could’ve been shot? They were armed, they had the vests, and if an unarmed, unprotected mother can run in to save her kids then law enforcement can do so much more.
And the police are paid for by the taxpayers– a.k.a, the parents– to prevent such crimes from ever happening in the first place. Is anyone planning on suing them for negligence and dereliction of duty? I think such a motion would gain huge support.
This isn’t the first time that the police have failed to save children. Didn’t they also infamously refuse to confront the shooter at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High until it was too late? And didn’t they also have information on the killer’s mad and violent behaviour from years ago, which they refused to take seriously?
When asked how he thought he would respond if he ever found himself a desperate survivor of a global disaster as does his character in “It Comes at Night,” Joel Edgerton laughingly confessed that his first reaction would be to “Cry. I’d eat all the canned food on day one. Cry, and hide in the cupboard. I’m no leader.”
So numb again, the only way I can feel anything is that damn blade. And soreness.
I eat out of habit. Not out of hunger. I can’t feel that anymore. I don’t deserve to enjoy this food. Everything I touch, everyone I try to help just turns out worse.
I’m a coward of I end it, but I’m a coward if I don’t. I offer no good thing to anyone. I’m a burden to everyone, it’ll suck for them in the short term, but in the long term, it’ll be a blessing.
They won’t have to deal with me. No one will. My gift. The only time I’m doing something right.
