#enthusiastic consent
consent through fear is not consent
let’s repeat that again:
consent through fear is not consent
And while we’re at it:
consent through guilt is not consent either
Asking until you get the desired response is not consent.
Threatening someones loved ones until you get the desired response is not consent
Remember not just any consent will do. Consent is only consent if that consent is also enthusiastic consent
❤️in the arms of the angel
E, 38k, wangxian
Summary:So there was this jar, and it had so much peanut butter still in it, and when his fox nose scented it and didn’t catch any poison or spoilage, what was he supposed to do? Not avail himself of this gift? No. He shoved his delicate little snout right in there and got to licking, but, you know… Elegantly. Definitely not snarfing and making horrible little fox sounds and rolling around on the ground while he went ham on the jar. Sure, he had to work a little bit to get at the last of it, but anything good is worth working for, right? So finally, triumphant, no longer starving, and maybe a little thirsty now from eating half a cup of peanut butter in about two minutes, he’d tried to remove his head from the jar.
Operative word tried.
Or: Wei Ying gets stuck. Lan Zhan helps.
My comments: Well, now, this was a hoot and a ride, due to being inside wwx’s head for the whole story (along with his colony of over-caffeinated squirrels and the eighteen trains of thought he has going in and out of his brain depot). He’s a feral cuddle-monster as a fox and an insecure and anxious human if he thinks too much, and there’s zero filter at all, so he often uses mouth words when no mouth words should have been used, and it’s hilarious.
Luckily, Lan Zhan is really *really* into that.
Excerpt 1: He thinks, briefly, about shifting into his human form. Would he just sort of… explode out of the jar? Or would he end up with his human-sized head stuck inside this fox-sized peanut butter jar? That is genuinely the most horrifying thought he’s ever had in his life. No fucking way. Shifting is right out! Not today Satan, not today!
Excerpt 2: He reaches one gloved hand in and murmurs, “Don’t worry, Xiao-gua, I’ll take you somewhere safe.”
Wei Ying dies a little inside and doesn’t think he can be blamed for it. Anyone would feel the same way after hearing that voice coming out of that face calling an angry possum “Little Melon” in Chinese. The possum apparently agrees, because it stops hissing and goes docile, settling into a corner of the box and blinking up at Hot Animal Hero with sleepy eyes. “Good job,” Hot Animal Hero tells the possum. “You’re doing very well.”
Wei Ying is going to fucking marry this man. Tall, hot, smells good, good with animals? He’s gone. He’s done. The crush he develops is instant and all-consuming.
fox wei wuxian, modern au, modern with magic, poverty, humor, chaotic wei wuxian, adhd wei wuxian, wildlife animal rescuer lan wangji, human/fox disaster wei wuxian, shananigans & hijinks, flirting, crushes, hurt wei wuxian, in that his head is stuck in a jar for a long time, caretaking, huli jing, shapeshifting, POV wei wuxian, THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY, insecure wei wuxian, protective lan wangji, thirsty lan wangji, empath lan wangji, touch telepathy, getting to know each other, getting together, meet cute, cuddling, first kiss, first time, scenting, scent kink, enthusiastic consent, hurt/comfort, communication, favorite
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i’ve been on hold at my library for a book about asexuality for a few weeks and i just read an article about some concepts in the book re: consent. and holy shit. blew my mind. i’ve NEVER read about consent in the context of a relationship with an ace and an allo that resonated so strongly with me, and as a person in such a relationship!! it’s so!!! i’m even more excited for the book now.
for anyone interested, the article is How to Negotiate Better Consent: An Asexual Perspective and the book i’m waiting for is Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society and the Meaning of Sex.
god okay, just to gush about this more, the author suggests using the categories of enthusiastic, willing, unwilling and coerced consent (rather than just “enthusiastic consent” or “no means no”). i really recommend reading the whole article linked above, but what blew my mind is the distinction between enthusiastic and willing consent. it gets broken down like this:
Enthusiastic consent:
- When I want you
- When I don’t fear the consequences of saying yes OR saying no
- When saying no means missing out on something I want
Willing consent:
- When I care about you though I don’t desire you (right now)
- When I’m pretty sure saying yes will have an okay result and I think maybe that I’d regret saying no
- When I believe that desire may begin after I say yes
and like!!! it made me realize i may have never actually enthusiastically consented in my life, but like, that doesn’t mean i have never or cannot consent! i almost always fall into the “willing consent” framework and i’ve never seen that….validated anywhere. anyway, it’s just given me this perspective about my sexuality and consent in general and better ways to relate to my partner and!!! idk!!! thank goodness for other ace people, is what i’m saying.
This is very useful and a lot of sex work can also be best understood as willing consent, where the indirect consequences of having sex (getting paid) are what is desired and the direct consequences (having probably-mediocre sex with someone you don’t actively desire) are not considered so negative that they outweigh the indirect consequences.
Which is a definition of consent that gives sex workers agency and sees their consent as a choice made again and again based on the pros and cons, not something that is coerced and also not something that always exists by default simply because they are sex workers.
Recognizing willing consent is probably validating for a lot of people who have consent to sex without meeting the definition of enthusiastic consent.
[image description: A smiling young bald man stands in front of (and is side-lit by) a huge green traffic light. His suit is dark, his bowtie is untied, his collar is open, and he’s giving a hearty thumbs-up. Text reads, “192, ROGER THAT • the small god of SECURING ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT”]
• • • • •
“Hello. It’s a pleasure to meet you, and really, you’re looking lovely today. Do you mind if I sit here? Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude. I’ll move along. Have a wonderful afternoon.”
Roger can come off as a bit of a used car salesman, but he’s a nice guy, really, and he means everything he says. For him, a lukewarm yes is the same thing as a no; if he doesn’t know, with absolute conviction, that he’s wanted, he’ll move along. He’s not trying to be petulant or to threaten with his absence: he just wants to be sure that no one’s being forced to do anything they don’t want to do.
Pick-up artists and psychological manipulators are his sworn enemies, and some among the pantheon believe that his unwavering refusal to consent to their manifestation are why small gods of those communities have never manifested. Roger wants everyone to be comfortable and free to make their own choices. Cruel gods exist, yes. Manipulative gods, yes. But gods whose sole purpose is getting people to agree to things they don’t actually want, no. And that’s on Roger, and we can all be grateful, in the end.
Even if you or I consented to their arrival, Roger wouldn’t, and that’s enough to keep them out.
Roger knows we must all sometimes consent to things we don’t actually want to do—to medical procedures that will harm or inconvenience, but do more good in the long run, to kale salads for our health or even to acts of personal service that will do us no lasting harm, but will do someone we care for lasting good. He doesn’t need your consent to be joyful, or bolstered by a sincere desire for the thing in question. He just needs it to be enthusiastic, honest, and made without coercion.
His position is not the easiest one to hold. But he loves it, and every time he’s been asked if he would set it willingly aside, he does not consent. He wants us all to be as safe as we can, and this is what he can do.
This is what he WILL do, for as long as he is able.
“Hello. Do you mind if I sit—oh, thank you. Yes, it is a beautiful day. Thank you for letting me join you.”
• • • • •
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I have a huge problem with this. This translates to, “I figured a guy with a rape fantasy wouldn’t have qualms about lying to women, willfully and knowingly violating consent, and refusing women the sovereignty of their own bodies.” This is personally offensive, and more importantly, broadly implicating of men who enjoy rape fantasies.
This is what ‘rape culture’ means. It doesn’t mean ‘all men are rapists’. It doesn’t mean ‘a culture in which men think rape is acceptable’. Rape culture isn’t just about rape or sexual assault. It means taking a cavalier approach to things like consent and objectification. It means relegating women to being afterthoughts in the periphery of a singularly male narrative. It means that the kind of attitude put forth in this brief conversation are shrugged off, seen as normal, and met without reproach.
We need to actively push back against this stuff when it happens. We need to call it out and confront people instead of keeping silent, not wanting to be ‘that guy’, or trying to avoid a scene. You don’t have to be an activist. Just don’t be a bystander.
This. This shit right here.
And this is why I never post any of the submissions from “boyfriends” or “husbands” or “masters” or whatever.
I have no rape fantasies because I want women to consciously and excitedly beg me to debase them, but regardless enthusiastic consent is the piece that we should all stress and emphasize. Encourage ethical and moral behavior and as a corollary you will encourage more women to be active in their descents into fuckhole ism.
Don’t submit photos of others to me, and don’t post or submit them to anyone without the enthusiastic consent of the subject of said photos.
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